Chapter Sixteen

KRISTINA WAS AWAKE, already above the covers. Parker felt her eyes on her as she blinked through the first light of the sun breaking the horizon.

“Morning?”

Kristina nodded, and when Parker reached for her, she stiffened. The warm glow Parker had fallen asleep to, the replay of last night that had woken her, shattered.

“Everything okay?”

Kristina collected herself enough to smile through the dim light, to squeeze the fingers that had caught her knee, but Parker knew.

“Of course. I just couldn’t sleep.”

Cold settled into her bones.

“I have an early meeting, some execs from out of town, they fly out tonight so…”

And like that, she was being dismissed again, but not just for the day. Parker felt Kristina pulling back, untangling the pieces of them that had become so irreversibly knotted together over the past six months. She knew without hearing the words. She had tried to fly, and they had fallen. All that was left to do was meet the ground.

“Kristina.”

She didn’t want to pretend, to wait, to feel it coming. God, she wasn’t ready to lose her.

“I have to go get dressed.”

When lips pressed against hers they were quick, barely there before they were gone. She tried too hard to understand why Kristina had kissed her at all, when kisses were something that had never been expected, as much as they’d been a nice surprise, before.

Stumbling through getting dressed, choking on all the tears she was holding in her throat, Parker heard Marion’s words over and over.

She was always meant to be temporary.

Foolishly she had thought maybe together they could find something permanent. Stupid. Another bad decision, another huge bout of misplaced faith. She’d thought maybe for her, Kristina would change her mind, maybe she could be the exception.

“I made you coffee.”

They knew. It hung between them and Parker just wanted to scream it, and she wanted to bury it, to knock the coffee out of her hand and let it splash all over the smooth floor of the foyer and kiss her until they could forget. She was frozen.

“Sweetheart?”

Hope glittered in her chest, dangerous, but the regret, the remorse in Kristina’s eyes following the endearment, crushed it.

“Right. I can eat at home, if you need to go?”

Kristina nodded gratefully, and Parker followed her to the garage. Horribly, achingly aware this was the last time she would see the house, the last time she would be in her space. This was the last time she would get into this car.

“Parker.”

Kristina was holding the door for her as she always did, eyes hidden. Parker wondered if she would survive this car ride, and not because of Kristina’s driving.

It passed too quickly, a blur of quiet Saturday morning streets. Somehow this hurt, burrowed inside her more than her divorce ever had. Being served the papers was embarrassing; it set her drifting, loosed her from the life she thought she had somehow earned by staying and staying and staying. Losing Amanda, losing the life she’d always planned for herself never quite derailed her, never quite broke her like the distance between them as Kristina’s hands sat white-knuckled on the steering wheel just feet away. Why couldn’t Parker just have been her…submissive? Why did she have to fall in love? Why couldn’t Kristina just fucking love her back?

“Need help with your bag?”

It was barely an overnight bag, not heavy at all, and the question seemed strange. Parker looked up at her house, trying to blink the tears out of her eyes, trying not to imagine all the nights she would spend inside replaying what she knew was going to come next, missing her.

“Just say it, Kristina.”

She couldn’t even look at her.

“What—”

“Don’t. Don’t lie to me.”

She heard her swallow, heard the click of her seat belt releasing, but Parker didn’t move. Seconds ticked fast and slow, and all the hurt in her chest twisted, and she was angry, bleeding, and oh so tired. She turned to Kristina, because fuck it all, the end was going to come with or without her and she was done being a spectator in her own life.

“Isn’t this the part where you end it respectfully? Time to move on, right? Find a new sub. Someone who won’t cross your lines like I did?”

Face ashen, Kristina blinked at her, before she looked away, letting out a long breath through her nose.

“Parker… I…” She swallowed hard, and stupid, traitorous hope burst in Parker’s chest again. This had never been her. She’d never been the woman who thought she could beat all the odds, who believed in fairy tales, who ran off and entered into some BDSM relationship with a woman half her age. She was the woman who worked hard for what she had, who stuck to the path, who kept her eyes closed and walked on. Yet she wanted it. She wanted Kristina to cry and give in and embrace what they had. She wanted to be the one she changed for; she wanted to be her exception.

“I can’t do relationships.”

The end.

Part of her was calm, and part of her raged. She was the eye of the storm, one foot in the twister, one foot outside, and nothing had ever hurt like this.

“You can, because you did. We did it all, Kristina, relationships, feelings and…love, and it was wonderful. So you can; you are capable.” Everything inside her told her to give up, to walk away.

“If you don’t want to; if this is because of your ex or Mal…”

Kristina’s eyes were set hard, and she was beautiful, even at the end. Parker could still see past the mask, and Kristina looked haunted.

“This is because of me, because of who I am and the kind of life I want to live.”

The blow landed with a finality that stole Parker’s breath.

“A life without me.”

She was already nodding, accepting the words, letting them sink into her psyche, propel her forward until she was unbuckling her seat belt and throwing open the door.

Tears dripped pitifully down her cheeks. God, how did I let myself want this? She didn’t know herself as she rose from the car. She didn’t know the woman who was happy to be divorced, who enjoyed being tied up and called a good girl, the woman who fell in love with someone half her age and ached down to her bones to run headlong into another forever with her. She was practical Parker, Parker who had stayed, Parker whose life fit her mold, right up until she was wide-awake Parker, madly in love with the most emotionally unavailable woman she had ever met. She didn’t know which was real.

“Goodbye, Kristina.”

She couldn’t turn back. She didn’t trust herself to look at her, not to give in and round the car and make all of this go away. Part of her thought she could. Kristina had taught her about life, love, and she had taught her sex could be a weapon. She could drop her bag and crawl across the console, throw the match on the gasoline, and use that weapon one more time.

“I never meant to fall in love with you.”

Parker spun around. Her heart beat hard and then it stopped. Kristina fell in love with me. It should be everything she’d ever wanted to hear, but now, staring down the end, it only hurt more.

Kristina’s eyes were on hers, and Parker promised herself just three seconds, three more seconds to look at her, to let those words wash over her and through her and raise her high and drown her deeper. Kristina swallowed, and the countdown was done.

“Goodbye, Parker.”

Twin tears spilled down her tan cheeks, and Parker couldn’t look anymore.

Turning back to her driveway and starting down it in long determined steps, she heard the squeal of tires on the street. Then Kristina was gone.