“All right, everybody. Gather round. Remember yesterday, when I told you we’d be climbing something tomorrow? Something no one has ever been able to make it to the top of in all the years I’ve been teaching gym classes? Well, today is tomorrow, and what we’ll be climbing is this rope right here.”
Yeah, Coach Ed, I remember yesterday, all right. And so does my buddy Rand-El.
That’s when he came up with the idea to make this my one big thing, the thing I’ll always be remembered for. Kelvin Klosmo—the guy who made it to the top.
“And I hope you all took my advice and did a few extra push-ups before you went to bed last night, because you’re going to need every bit of strength you can muster to get up this baby. It’s wobbly, it’s slippery, and it’s over thirty feet high.”
You see, we figure that if I become known for something really cool, everybody will forget about how I tried to fake being superbrilliant when I first got to this new school at the far end of the galaxy. And then maybe they’ll quit calling me Genius. You know, the sarcastic kind. Like when you call a short kid Paul Bunyan. Or a shy kid Mr. Personality. At least, that’s the theory. The teasing is getting pretty unbearable.
“Now let me give you a few pointers. I don’t mean to brag, but I was the Delpneer District pole climbing champion back in eighty-seven. So I know what I’m talking about.”
I asked Rand-El, if no one else ever made it to the top, why did he think I could? I’m no athlete. I mean, if my backpack’s full, I have trouble climbing into the shuttle bus in the morning.
He told me not to sweat it, that he had it all taken care of.
“Yeah, are we allowed to keep our arms attached to our bodies?”
“Sure… if you want to do it the easy way. Now, who’s going to go first?”
Danny Diptera. He’s known for his sticky fingers. And I don’t mean I-got-some-jelly-on-my-hands sticky. I’m talking I-dumped-a-gallon-of-glue-on-myself-and-then-fell-into-a-vat-of-tar sticky. I tried playing catch with him once. He was great at catching, but he couldn’t throw the ball back. And no matter how many times he says, “Lay it on me, dude,” you do not want to high-five Danny Diptera. Trust me on that one. He should be able to scramble up that rope, no problem. No matter how slippery it is.
Danny makes it to the seven-foot mark and slides back down. It takes ten minutes to unstick him from the cushions.
Zot volunteers to go next. She’s the best athlete I’ve ever seen. If anybody can do this, she can. Come to think of it, maybe I should have just asked her to wear a Kelvin mask for her climb to the top.
Zot makes it to the ten-foot mark and that’s it. What’s this rope made out of, anyway? Vaseline?
I nudge Rand-El. “Great idea you’ve got here. I’ll be lucky to get my feet off the ground.”
Rand-El hands me something.
“What are these?”
“Antigravity disks. My mom uses them to rearrange the furniture in our LIV space. Stick them in your boots. When it’s your turn on the rope, just kick your feet together and they’ll turn on. You’ll practically fly to the top of that rope!”
You know what? Rand-El might actually have something here. I shove the disks into my boots and volunteer to go next. After spitting into my hands and rubbing them together for effect, I grab on to the rope and kick my feet together. And suddenly I feel weightless. I start to climb.
Dang! This might actually work!
Now that’s more like it! Good-bye Genius. Hello Climbing Kelv.