“My stomach won’t stop growling. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”
“Horse? What’s that?”
“Oh, it’s an animal we have back on Earth.”
“And you eat it when you’re real hungry?”
“What? Heck no. We ride them, mostly.”
“But you said—”
“We don’t actually eat horses. It’s just a figure of speech. You know, because they’re so big.”
“So you don’t eat big animals on Earth?”
“Sure we do. Like cows, for instance.”
“Then why don’t you say you’re so hungry you could eat a cow?”
“I don’t know. That’s just how the saying goes. We do have a cow saying, too, though—‘Don’t have a cow.’”
“‘Don’t have a cow’? So you say that to people who aren’t hungry?”
“Nope. We say that to people who are really upset about something.”
“Your planet is weird.”
“Look, the point is that I’m real hungry. I think this is the hungriest I’ve ever felt in my entire life.”
“I guess I could give you my dessert, too. I’m pretty full.”
“I didn’t see any dessert. What is it?”
“I’m not sure, but the sign said ‘Lava Cake. ’”
“Lava cake? Really? That’s my favorite back on Earth! My mom always makes it on my birthday. It’s like a mini chocolate cake filled with gooey chocolate syrup. I can’t believe they have it out here. I could eat a whole tray of that stuff!”
“A whole tray? Now that would be something to see.”
“Sure would!”
“Hey, you know what? You guys are right. That really would be something to see. Right, Kelvin?”
“Well, I guess so. But—”
“Everybody would be talking about it.”
I don’t know if I like where this is going.
“Gil is right, Kelv. Maybe this can be your big thing.”
“Oh, really, Rand-El. As big as your rope climbing idea? That one sure worked out great.”
“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to be known for something. And you said there’s not a lot you’re good at, right? You’re going to have to be creative.”
Crud. They’re right. I don’t have a lot of options. And I really do love lava cake. I ate three of them last year on my birthday. Maybe I can do this. Drifting Doofus Genius. Ugh. I’ve got to give it a try.
“All right, let’s do it.”
“Oh, this is going to be fantastic! Grimnee and I will get the cakes. She’s tight with Mrs. Forzork, the lunch lady.”
“And I’ll roll around and spread the word!”
Okay. You can do this, Kelvin. Sure, the whole gym class rope thing was a disaster, but this time it’s all on me. None of Rand-El’s brain-dead tricks to deal with. All I have to do is chow down on my favorite dessert of all time. This should be a cinch!
Now, where are those two with my tray of cakes?
I have to admit, they do look delicious. And the cafeteria doesn’t serve synthesized stuff like back at our LIV space. Gil has delivered a pretty big crowd. Everybody in the lunchroom must be gathered around our table, looking at me.
What the heck. I play it up a bit. I get out of my chair, do a few stretches and toe touches, and sit back down. I give the crowd a nice “Mmmm” and rub my palms together. I grab the first cake, check it out from a few different angles, and take a big bite.
“This isn’t lava cake!”
“Well, that’s what the sign said.”
I turn and look over my shoulder toward Mrs. Forzork, who has dessert duty today.
Larva cake?! Seriously?! Even out here on the other end of the galaxy, who is going to eat larva cake?!
“Hey, look! It’s the Drifting Doofus Larva Boy Genius!”
