CHAPTER TWO

ANXIETY

“Okay, so don’t ask any questions. Just come and get me!” I said into the receiver to my sister Shelby.

“I’m already in the car driving towards where I think Hugo lives,” she said.

“How’d you know I was at Hugo’s?”

“’Cause if all that happened to you today happened to me, I wouldn’t want to be around my family either. I’d want to be around my man.”

Just hearing her say that was comforting. Not because it was true but because she understood me like only a sister could. I texted her the address, and when I saw a McDonald’s a few blocks away from the homeless shelter, I told her to meet me there.

I could hardly breathe. It was like a pit from a plum was stuck in my throat or something, and I couldn’t get it out. I wasn’t choking, but I couldn’t ask for help because my body was in trauma. Hugo had dumped me. This was so odd because I agreed to be his girl before I ever physically laid eyes on him. That’s just how close we were. Talking to each other, encouraging one another, being there for the other, and now that was gone. I took deep breaths to calm down, but that wasn’t helping.

Shelby had been my best friend for years, but Hugo had taken her place. She didn’t mind because she was spacey trying to get her clothing designs noticed by the world and blushing everywhere over this Spencer guy, who was actually Mr. Brown’s stepson. My sister was living in such a tangled web, but she was working it and weaving it. I hadn’t even gotten to tell her my great news that I had a boyfriend because she dropped the bomb first. As soon as I wanted to be all giddy with her, excited with her, and say we could double date or something, I didn’t have a man anymore.

Shelby had always been stronger than me, and I admired that so much about her too. I didn’t want to cry, but as soon as she pulled up twenty minutes later, I couldn’t hold back the tears. She quickly parked the car, got out of it, and gave me the tightest embrace like we hadn’t seen each other in years.

“I know this is hard. I know you feel alone, but Mom and Dad are going crazy. Mom was ecstatic when I told her I was on the way to get you.”

She just kept talking. I was ready to get in the car and go home, get to my room, close the door, and have none of them say anything to me. However, when I got to the house, my mother rushed outside to Shelby’s car, opened the passenger door, and apologized profusely for slapping me, for hurting me, and for breaking me.

“Thank you for coming home, Ansli. I have daughters that I’ve birthed, but I couldn’t love them anymore than I love you. You know that right?” my mom cupped my face with both of her hands and gently said.

It was so funny because it was the exact opposite of how she touched my face hours earlier. Thinking back on the hit, I don’t think she was trying to hurt me. She was trying to slap some sense into me. Deep down I knew that it was easy for me to hug her. She was my mom. I didn’t want to be emotional though. I didn’t want to care, but the tears didn’t care what my mind wanted. They were connected to my heart, and they started flowing like rain falls from the sky during a monsoon.

“I can’t blame your father. I’m not going to say any of this was his fault. I just didn’t want him to keep the truth from you guys. It always felt so wrong, but as the days turned into months, and months turned into years, it just seemed easier for you to continue thinking of your biological dad as a hero because we loved him.”

“Mom, please … don’t.” Frustrated, I walked into the house.

My dad was in the family room, and he stood to his feet when I came in. I’d never seen him cry. Big bad Stanley Sharp wasn’t crying then, but his eyes were misty.

“You’re okay. You’re safe,” he uttered with relief upon seeing me, but I wasn’t smiling. “I know you’re angry with me, Ansli, but I was doing what I thought I should. I was trying to protect you.”

“Protect me from the truth though, Dad? When you preached to me to always tell the truth? What’s the lesson in all this? How could you justify what you did? How was what my father did okay? I don’t understand any of it. And worse, I don’t understand me.”

“What do you mean?” he said in a tone that was a little impatient.

“Letting all this information circle around in my head, it feels like it’s going to explode.” I said to him as my mom and Shelby came inside. “Where’s Yuri? I’ve got to see my sister.”

“She’s asleep. She understands,” my dad said, suggesting I should hear him out. “Now I need you to as well. We can’t prove it, but we think it was the steroids your dad was using. So you understand, he loved your mother, and he loved you girls, and I knew him. No way he would have done this in his right mind. No way.”

Processing it all, I shouted, “So then I could just go crazy.”

“No, Ansli, don’t say that,” my mom said as she put her arms on my shoulders.

But I stepped forward so her arms would drop.

My dad said, “See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you anything, Ansli, until you’re old enough to understand. What happened to him was unfortunate. It’s not hereditary. It was the drugs.”

“So you admit what my dad did was crazy?”

I don’t even know why I said that. Of course it was crazy. The man who brought me into this world killed my mom. Guess I wanted my dad to stop defending him.

“I just need you to grow up in this situation right now. You think I should have told you, then act like you should be able to handle it. Quit going around here making up reasons as to why you should have known when you’re acting juvenile, making my point that you shouldn’t have known.”

“Alright, just calm down, Stanley,” my mom said to him.

“I’m frustrated right now. Brown shouldn’t have opened his mouth.”

“At least he had the balls to tell me the truth,” I boldly stated, not caring that my dad wasn’t my peer.

At that point, I quickly exited and went to my room. Last thing I wanted was for either of my parents to slap me again, which I probably deserved for being a smart mouth. It had been a heck of a day. I honestly had the right to explode, but I stood there on pins and needles behind my door, hoping that they’d forgive me. Because some lines, just shouldn’t be crossed.

I didn’t know what a heart attack felt like, but if chest palpitations that were becoming more intense by the second were any indication of the onset of a heart attack, then I needed to get to the emergency room. I knew the Sharps loved me, but now there was a distance between us. My belief that the parents that I lost and took comfort in knowing were now angels in heaven looking down on me was now only half true. Surely if my dad killed my mom and himself, he was in hell.

The boyfriend who had my heart broke it. Though it had only been a short time, he meant a lot. I never had a boy take interest in me, care about me, and desire me. People would always comment on how cute I was, but my body was not like Shelby’s. She had curves in all the places boys liked. I was just a pretty yellow face, but Hugo thought I was sexy and special. But now, he’d severed ties. How could I calm myself down when my thoughts of my world being shredded like it was paper being destroyed by a paper shredder were making me feel anything but comforted?

When Shelby knocked on my bedroom door and called out to me, I was reminded that I had another problem. The girl I was supposed to love, who was supposed to trust me with her life, now had me envious. I always wanted her parents to really be mine. That was never going to happen. And though they wanted me to believe they loved me the same, I never would. She now had a boyfriend, and I didn’t. To make matters worse, she had a dream. She had goals. She had a career, and she was still in high school. She had it going on, and I had nothing.

“Just, just go away, Shelby. Mom and Dad … URGH, I can’t even believe I keep calling them that. If your parents can leave me alone, then you can too.”

“Not okay, I’m about to break down this door, Ansli, if you don’t quit pouting and open up! Straight up girl! So we won’t both be in trouble. Let me in, please.”

Against my better judgment, I let her in, but I didn’t want to play nice with her anymore. I didn’t want to act like it was all okay. I didn’t want her to think I was fine when I wasn’t. Yeah, she said she knew I wasn’t okay, but the entire ride home she kept on talking. She never really wanted to know what was going on with me. Why should I think she wanted to hear me out now?

“Okay,” I said when I opened up the door. “You see I haven’t killed myself. Now can you leave?”

“Why are you joking like this?” she said, like she was disgusted with my comment.

“I meant it.”

“Please don’t talk like that,” Shelby said. “I want to make sure you were okay.”

I stepped back, and she entered. She put her hands on her head as if she were in pain. Then it dawned on me that, now that we knew about my biological father’s final actions of taking his own life, my comment that I didn’t commit suicide wasn’t funny.

“You see I’m okay. Please get out, Shelby,” I said, as my hand touched a water globe on my desk, further upsetting me. The water globe that my dad brought back to all five of us from a trip to England years ago held a princess in her house. I wanted to take it and chuck it at Shelby’s face. My world wasn’t perfect anymore, and I was angry.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I said to her.

“Hurt me? What are you talking about?”

The only thing I could do was tell her the truth. “You have everything.”

“We have the same things. My parents are your parents if that’s what you’re talking about.”

“You know I don’t see them that way anymore, so quit pushing that down my throat.”

“Okay, what else?”

“Life is just all messed up.”

“What are you talking about? With Hugo?” she asked, having intuition that I had to be upset in the romance department. “I don’t know everything, Ansli, but I know that like girls have menstrual cycles, guys do go through some type of crisis monthly too, if you ask me.”

“What are you saying? Hugo has a period?” I asked her because I didn’t know everything there was to know about guys.

I mean, I knew he didn’t bleed or anything like that, but still, what was she saying? What did Shelby mean? She was having trouble spitting it out, so I wondered: was she talking smack to be close? Sometimes when we got mad at each other, Shelby would say anything until we laughed and forgot what we were fussing about.

Seeing me squint, she cleared her throat and explained, “No really, I’m saying that they’re moody. Just like we are. And while he’s tripping today, tomorrow it’ll probably be a different story. But you got more going on for yourself than wallowing and being frustrated with stuff going on with a guy.”

“No I don’t. I don’t have anything else going on. You’ve got your creative brain. You can sit there with a sketchpad and come up with the next greatest design. Instantly, when I see your work, I want to put on your clothes. You’ve just begun being a designer for real, and you’re already going to grand levels.”

“Exactly, and I need to take it to another level. I need to brand my stuff. I imagine two S’s side by side or crisscross or something, but I don’t have skills with all that. I’m talking to Spencer about it because he’s great with design, but at the same time, I need to have my work photographed. I need to have myself looking picture perfect. Sydney sent me a list of things that I have to have done. One thing is getting a press kit. She sent me all these photographers’ numbers to call. Why should I choose any of them when my sister is the best photographer I know? You’re sitting here saying you don’t have a talent. You envy me because I’m doing something. Well, we just need to turn what you’re good at into a business as well. Because once I see the gorgeous pictures that you’re going to create of my clothes and see how good you’re going to make me look, because I’m not as beautiful as you, let’s just admit it … ”

“Oh hush,” I said, batting my eyes and feeling really appreciative that she saw something special in me too.

She continued, “Everyone’s going to want you to take their pictures. So no more whining, no more crying, no more feeling sorry for yourself. I promise you, if you poured your heart and soul into being a full-time photographer then turned that passion into a business, who knows, you may capture images that change the world.”

“You really think I could be that great of a photographer?”

“Yeah! Because you always talk junk about how all of us think we’re good because we have cell phones, but you’re the real deal. So it’s time to put up or shut up, Ansli. You were telling me that I could do it. You made me believe in myself not too long ago. And it turned out great. Let’s walk down this road together! If I’m going to have a business, you can have one too.”

“Just hearing you say that scares me.”

“And if it didn’t move you at all, then I’d say it wasn’t something you should do. But because you feel that you don’t want to fail, that’s why you’re going to succeed.” Shelby gave me the biggest hug.

She saw past my flaws and loved me anyway. Shelby gave me hope in her embrace. Though I was nervous about all the big plans she had for me, she was right. Being anxious was a good thing.

“There’s my boo,” Shelby said to me, as she pointed to Spencer who was proudly walking her way. Then she squeezed my hand and started doubting. “What if he’s changed his mind about asking me to be his girl and all? What if he doesn’t want me?”

“Okay, you are talking so silly. Don’t get our lives mixed up,” I told her and laughed. “Look how he’s smiling. That guy ain’t going nowhere.”

“Hey girl!” Spencer said with a glow in his eyes when he looked at Shelby, coming up and giving her a real big hug.

Then he kissed her on the lips, right in front of me. He must not have known she was not into public affection. But maybe I was the one who didn’t know my sister because she was not trying to hide that they were together.

“Mhhm, we’re in school, not his bedroom,” I finally said, making them split apart.

Blushing, Shelby said, “Spencer, I want to introduce you to my sister, Ansli.”

“Yeah, we don’t have any classes together, so I haven’t seen you around,” he said to me. “Nice to meet you.”

I extended my hand to shake his, but he pulled me to him and gave me a hug too. I was a bit uncomfortable. I mean I didn’t know him, and he wasn’t my boyfriend. And when Hugo walked by seeing me in the arms of another, I pushed back.

“Okay, you two talk. It was good meeting you,” I uttered and then went to chase my guy. “Hugo!”

But he kept going like I hadn’t even called him at all. I was hoping that my sister was right. That whatever was going on with him, in terms of him thinking we didn’t need to be together, would pass. But when I saw him walk straight up to the cutest Hispanic girl I’d probably ever seen in my life—look out Jennifer Lopez, for real—I thought my heart was going to break again. He said something in her ear, and the two of them just walked away. What kind of sign was he giving me? Why was he doing me like that? I was actually happy when Slade, Sloan, and Yuri came up behind me. The four of us walked on down the hallway so I didn’t have to seem pitiful. I might not have a bunch of friends, but I did have family, even if in my mind that was a big question mark.

At school I wasn’t a big socialite. It didn’t much matter because, being one of five girls so close in age, we never needed anyone else. Maybe they’d been my crutch. Maybe I was now wanting Hugo to hold me up too. Maybe I needed to step out of my comfort zone, really take this whole being a professional photographer thing seriously and dig into my strengths. I was so worried about what was upsetting me, trying to make life right, that I wasn’t focused on what was already right.

“You’re passing our class aren’t you?” Sloan said.

I didn’t even realize I was already there. I was just coasting down the hallway, contemplating my next steps, not realizing that my next class could change my future. The art room was calling my name. But before I walked in the door, Sloan grabbed my arm.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she gave me a hug.

Leery of her gesture, I questioned, “Sorry about what?”

“I was a jerk last night, and I don’t want you to think that I’m not angry. I’m mad at our parents too.”

“Huh? They didn’t do anything to you.”

In a serious tone, Sloan said, “If they did something to you, they did something to me. Keeping the truth from you like that, it’s like we’re living in a house of cards. What else are they hiding that might make our happy home fall down? You know how I feel about the truth.”

“Well don’t get yourself in trouble because of me.”

“I’m just not a fake person. I’m uncomfortable with what they decided, and they need to feel it.”

“Thank you, Sloan. Of all people, I never thought you’d be on my side like that.”

“I give you a hard time, but you know I love you,” Sloan said as she gave me a bump.

Minutes later it was time to get to work. The art assignment actually grabbed my attention. Our teacher, Mr. Lang, who looked like he was probably twelve years old and fresh out of college, encouraged us in our first big project. We had to do a project on capturing pain. If someone could have taken a picture of me yesterday when I found out about my parents, I could have submitted that, and certainly that would have been an A. But it had to be something we either drew ourselves, painted, or took a picture of, and the work had to be titled.

The bell rang, signaling lunchtime. Hugo and I had the same lunch, but I didn’t see him anywhere. I was sitting with Slade, and she was babbling on and on about friends.

“You know I’m tired of just hanging with us. I need someone else … probably because you and Shelby partner up and Sloan and Yuri partner up. That leaves me by myself anyway. So while it seems like I’m a part of the crew, really I’m not a part of anything.”

“What are you talking about, Slade? You sandwich in the middle of us. You’re always a part of everything. And the three of you guys are like triplets anyway,” I explained alluding to her, Sloan, and Yuri.

As soon as I spotted Hugo across the room, I got up and headed his way. When he saw me, he walked the other way. I was hurt, and folks were staring. I quickly turned back to play it off. My eyes locked on this girl who grabbed some of my food off my tray. Slade was gone and so was my food.

Before I could even say anything she was gone, but I wanted to tell her not to do that again. So I followed her. She was taking stuff off the cafeteria line.

“What are you doing? You’re stealing,” I caught up to her and said.

“I was just…please…I’m sorry, okay.”

“No, it’s not okay.”

“You don’t know my story.”

“You don’t know my stomach. And now you’re stealing from the cafeteria. It’s just not cool.”

“Is there some problem going on right here?” Mr. Garner walked up and said.

“No problem. No problem at all,” this girl who looked like she clearly needed a bath said to our principal.

“She stole my food! And she just stole from the cafeteria!” I shared, still mad about so much.

Mr. Garner shook his head. “No, Katera. Tell me you didn’t.”

The Katera chick dashed off.

“Katera!” he yelled out. “I can’t let you just do this. We talked about this.”

“What do you mean you talked about it? She’s done it before?” I said, probably mad at everything else, and saying that just gave me a reason to vent.

“You don’t understand, Sharp.”

“You know my name?”

“Yeah, of course I do,” he said. “You are one of my students with special circumstances.”

“Urgh,” I uttered hating that. “She’s low income. She should be on free and reduced lunch.”

“Right, she is.”

“So why is she stealing?”

Mr. Garner gave me a real talk. “Because she’s homeless. And if I kick her out of here during the day or expel her, not only will she not have any place to go at night, but I’ll be taking away the only safe haven she has.”

At that point it felt like I had stuck a knife in my own heart. And I hated having all these analogies about killing myself now that I heard my father killed himself, but that was truly how I felt. At first, I wanted the girl gone, and now because I reported it, Mr. Garner had to act on it. Last thing he wanted was for me to be able to tell my dad or anyone else that he wasn’t following protocol. If I got her kicked out, there was no way I could live with myself seeing someone wonder the streets.

“So, we have homeless kids at this school?” I mean I knew Hugo’s situation, but I guess I just assumed that was an isolated one. He was at least able to stay at a shelter.

Now the principal shook his head. “We’ve got twenty students at this school who are homeless. I’m trying all I can to help them, but their problems are so massive. It just gives me grave anxiety.”