Chapter Thirty-Three

Kate

 

You know that little niggle in your brain that you’ve forgotten something, or something should be happening?

I had it two weeks after New Year’s.

I looked at my calendar. Right. Period weekend.

I’d always kept track of my cycle, but since turning thirty-seven, the clock had been a little wonky. At nearly thirty-nine, sometimes it was a couple days early, sometimes a couple days late. I also had worse cramps than in my twenties.

All part of getting older, right? The march to eventual menopause. Hormones change.

So I didn’t think anything of it when my period didn’t intrude on my weekend of virtual dates with Sam. It would show up in the new week.

Work was crazy, and the reports we were putting together were not going to please the VPs. Revenue was down. A major act had chosen to take another offer instead of re-up their contract last year and the loss had hurt the bottom line for our office. These things happen in the music business—the problem would be in whether the Board thought the drop was too much.

So the weekend arrived and I thought my body was reacting to the stress. On top of work, Sonya and Pete were going to a lot of house showings, so home was changing, too.

And then it was Monday again and I still hadn’t bled.

Shit.

Don’t panic.

This doesn’t have to be…

But the idea crept into my brain over the week until it felt too real on Friday.

But I didn’t need to tell Sam, yet. It was too soon.

Anything could change.

Sunday, it did.

I woke with the worst cramps I’d had since…oh…

This happened once before. With Davis. My period came two weeks late. A miscarriage of something so new, it was over before it started.

I spent a day popping meds left over from a dental procedure.

In your twenties, it’s easy to dismiss as a fluke. Miscarriages are common.

But the same timing happening again now?

When I’m in a relationship again and not using condoms?

It makes a woman wonder.

Maybe my body wasn’t meant for kids.

Not that I wanted to get pregnant at thirty-eight, but I knew Sam would never turn down adding more children to his life. If we got serious, we’d have to have that conversation. And he was a shoot-for-the-moon kind of guy. If he wanted a child with me, he’d go through Hell and high water to make it happen…using a surrogate wouldn’t make him blink.

Leave it to my uterus to remind me this relationship wouldn’t be fun and light forever. Eventually, we’d have to make some serious adult decisions.

Sonya had prescription-strength ibuprofen left from a bad ankle sprain and I used the last of the bottle to get through the day along with two heating pads and frequent trips to the bathroom. Thank God Sam and I only did good-morning and good-evening texts on Sundays, spending that day of the week with friends or family.

My best friend was a good nursemaid, honey-brown eyes filled with empathy. She’d been through this with a college boyfriend, the one time she had unprotected sex.

“Sorry about wrecking brunch,” I said.

“Shut up. You, me, and Pete can eat together any time.” She’d fed me chicken and stars soup since I was too queasy for solids.

“Yeah, but it’s tradition.” I slowly shuffled back to bed.

“A casual tradition.” She held up the covers so I could ease back onto the mattress. “You look better tonight than you did this morning.” She tested my forehead with the back of her hand.

“I feel emptied out.”

The cramps were finally easing into something resembling closer to normal.

Sonya sat on the end of the bed. “Aw, hon.”

“Not in that way. The literal physical kind. I’m fine.”

“It’s okay not to be. When it happened to me, I was relieved because I wasn’t ready, but kinda sad, too.”

“Do you want kids with Pete?” I asked seriously.

“Yeah,” she replied without hesitation.

“He should put a ring on it first.”

She laughed. “Tellin’ me. My parents would flip.”

I adjusted the heating pad under my back. “How do they feel about you moving in together?”

She cringed. “They don’t have feelings…because they don’t know.”

“Girl…”

She waved her hands around. “I know, I know, I should be too old to care, but it took them long enough to accept I would never get ‘a regular job’. They’re barely okay with the ‘white crippled boy’. I just want to ease my family into it.”

“You mean your dad.”

She sighed. “Yeah. He’s traditional.”

“And uncensored.” Her father had sustained a head injury years ago that wrecked his internal filter. What he thought, he said, period. It took some getting used to.

“That, too.”

“Let me put on record that anyone not nice to my little brother will face Big Sister Wrath.” I made claws with my fingers, which made Sonya laugh again.

“Noted. And I swear on my one merit badge that that’ll never be me. People should be free to love whoever they want.” She stretched out toward the empty side. “Besides, Mama’s already mixed race, so Daddy has no leg to stand on.” Sonya’s grandfather was Cuban.

“Remind him of that!”

“So…now it’s been a month, can I ask how this Sam thing is going?”

My eyes narrowed. “As my friend or the nosy gossip?”

“Only curiosity as your friend.”

“Well, we haven’t fought since we got together.”

“That’s good, right?”

I shrugged. “I suppose. Maybe it’s just because we haven’t discussed anything serious since he was here.”

“What is virtual dating like?”

“More fun than I expected, but still doesn’t compare to being in person. Sam’s great, of course.” I chewed on a loose piece of skin on my dry lip.

“Sam the ‘great, of course’ would probably be pretty sweet about what you’ve gone through today.”

I picked at a cuticle snag. “He doesn’t need to know. There was nothing to tell.”

“Kate.”

“I don’t even know if I was pregnant.” My voice broke on the g. It was the first time I said that word aloud. “I didn’t take a test.”

“Honey…” Sonya’s tone called me out on the dubious nature of my statement. “It’s okay if you didn’t want to be this month. It’s okay if you imagined what a baby Sam or Kate would look like. It’s okay if you spent the past week or two scared out of your mind. But don’t hide this.”

“I told you.”

“But I didn’t fuck you.”

“Fuck off.”

She eye-rolled. “Whatever. Your bark is worse than your bite. Come on, Kate.”

I shook my head. “It’s too soon in the relationship to talk about babies, existent or otherwise. You don’t get it. Sam will take it to eleven because he can’t help himself. He’ll drop everything to see in person that I’m okay. And then he’ll have baby on the brain because he loves kids and then this relationship is suddenly under way more pressure than it should be. So no, this is information he does not need.”

Sonya sat up, her hands held in surrender. “Fine…”

“And don’t you dare say a word to my brother, either, or I’ll never trust you again.”

“Geeze, Kate, I’d never!”

My arms crossed over my chest. “You two talk about everything.”

“Everything not including another woman’s private parts, including his sister’s. I’d never bring up something so personal unless I had your permission or you told him first.”

I tried to let the adrenalin out in a long breath.

“Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You’re tender right now. Being vulnerable brings out your inner bitch.”

I opened my mouth to argue, then couldn’t.

Her brow arched, then lowered when I remained quiet. She stood. “Do you need anything? Fluffed pillow? More soup?”

I glanced to the nightstand. “I don’t know where I left my lip balm.”

“I’ll find it.”

“Thanks.”

She patted my knee on the way out of the room.

I adjusted the heat on the pad pressed against my belly. I wasn’t fond of taking a lot of pills and would rather relieve pain in gentler ways. It was still exhausting to walk to the bathroom and back tonight, so I should call in sick to work. I remembered last time my blood pressure was low the following day and I was cold until my body replenished its blood volume.

I needed to eat nutritiously tomorrow.

Sonya returned. “I don’t know if you have another lying around, but I dug one out of your purse.” She handed over the tube.

“Thanks.” I coated my lips. One bit of discomfort relieved. “Can you refill my water? This is like two swallows left.”

“Yep.” She left with the glass. We had a filter pitcher in the fridge.

She returned with soup and crackers in addition to the water.

“It’s been a couple hours since you last ate and you’re no longer green.”

I smiled. “You are a true Southern woman.”

“Bet your sweet bippy.” It was a saying Sonya got from her grandmother. The first time I heard it, my brain came to a halt like a scratch on a record. What? LOL. “Eat up.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Call me if you need me.” Leaving my door slightly ajar, she left the room.

I broke up the crackers on top of the soup—veggie this time—and picked up the bowl.

Bzzt.

My head turned to my phone.

Bzzt.

Texts.

My heart beat a little faster than a moment ago. Sam was early to say goodnight.

I unlocked the device, then opened the text page. A child’s drawing. I smiled and the pressure in my chest eased. Candace had graduated from butterflies to horses. I knew it was a horse because the second text told me. It could’ve been a dog.

Toddler fingers weren’t precise with crayons.

I replied with Cute.

Her friend at preschool got a pony.

Oh no.

Yeah. Most of them are now obsessed.

Good thing your neighborhood isn’t horse property.

She’ll pick another fad soon. Three year olds are fickle.

True.

What did you do today?

I chewed my thumbnail. Of all the questions. I’ve been with Sonya.

Ah. Then I won’t keep you. Later, babe.

Bye.

Whew. He had a knack at reading my mood between the lines of text and the last thing I needed right now was questions.

I tried eating the soup. Anything on my tongue felt like cardboard now. Dammit.

Despite not wanting to get out of bed, I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts, and shuffled out with the bowl. Sonya had the TV on. One of the Harry Potter movies.

“Do we own that one?”

She startled at my voice. “Uh, no, it’s on a channel. What are you doing up?”

“I’ve been in bed all day.”

I gingerly sat on the sofa with one of the afghans. Ate the rest of the soup so she wouldn’t worry about me. A movie was a good distraction. The universe wasn’t completely against me.

I blinked.

I thought I blinked, but now the TV was off, I was lying down on the sofa with a pillow under my head, and two throws were tucked around me.

The lights were off except one corner lamp. What time was it?

I struggled out of the cocoon of blankets and stood slowly. Gravity said I needed to pee. In the hallway, I saw light coming from Sonya’s room. Did what I needed to in the bathroom, then went to her door.

“Hey.”

She waved. She had headphones on. She jotted a note on a pad, then pushed them off her ears. “Hey, you’re alive.”

“Funny.” I walked in and sat on her bed. “When did I fall asleep?”

“Not long after you set the bowl on the coffee table. When you went limp on me, I gave you the couch. I love you, but I draw the line at cuddling my best friend.”

“Smart-ass.”

“Better than being a dumb-ass.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’ve hung around my brother too long.”

She grinned. “No such thing.”

“Gag.” My nose wrinkled up. “Can you get out of this honeymoon phase already?”

“Nope!”