Chapter Forty-Nine

Kate

 

No one could humble you like a toddler.

Thanks for the laugh, Candace.

I only poured a splash into my cup. Still had to drive home tonight and half a container of fries wasn’t dinner. But it took the edge off.

Geeze. I try to give Sam the honesty he wanted and all he does is misinterpret my words. All a girl wants is for the guy’s crazy to match her crazy. So I’m a little fucked up. So what?

I didn’t want to be a dependent.

That’s an acceptable term for just about anyone, right?

My brother wasn’t the only Carson who didn’t want to be a taker. A mooch.

Why did I come all the way out here?

Especially on a work night.

He came downstairs again and his tie was off. The top button of his shirt undone. Anger still radiating from his body. The commanding, purposeful way he strode right to me like he couldn’t decide whether to kiss me or kick me out, or both.

Yeah, that’s why.

Sexy as fuck.

“What do you want from me, Kate?” he growled.

“I’m not asking for anything, Sam.”

“Then why did you come?”

“I don’t know.”

He trapped me between him and the island. “Not good enough. Why?”

“To answer your questions.”

“Why does it matter what I think? You shut me out.”

“Because I got scared.”

“Of commitment?”

“Of how much you affect me.”

“Yes, we know how much you like how I fuck,” he sneered.

“Not sex.” Reach down deep for more honesty. “You’ve made my heart race since we were fourteen. You make me feel gooey inside every time you surprise me with some sweet gesture. You looked at me like I hung the moon. You’re like a romance hero come to life! Great sex doesn’t scare me, but you terrified me.”

“How—”

I grabbed his face. “You terrified me because every amazing thing you said or did had me this close to running into your arms and never letting go. I’ve been everything I needed to be for so long, I don’t know how to cede control without losing all of it. Shit got real and I panicked. I’m sorry and I’m very sorry I hurt you.”

His fingers encircled my wrists, but didn’t remove my hands from his skin. “You want forgiveness?”

“That’s up to you.”

“You once said that me winning meant you losing. What do you believe now?”

“I lost, anyway.”

Sam lowered my arms and stepped back. “This is the kind of honesty I meant in the communication part of the contract.”

“Hey, you didn’t express your fears, either.”

He sighed. “I didn’t know how to bring it up without sounding needy.”

“In my defense, I thought you understood why I wanted to go slow and get to know each other.”

“Those two months only cemented how I felt about us.”

“Did you know infatuation chemicals last up to two years? After they fade is the true test of a relationship, when love has to be intentional.”

“Back to biology again.” He picked up the glass and went to the wine bottle. “You assumed my love wouldn’t last. That’s the real crux of it, isn’t it? That’s why you needed the moving clause. You never trusted us to make it.” He swallowed a generous gulp. “Did you even give us a year?”

I sighed. “We can’t have a productive discussion if you keep getting mad at me.”

“For what goal?”

“What?”

“What. Goal? What does this have to produce?”

“Being civil? You said you missed me.” I grabbed the glass from him and set it on the counter. “What do you want from me? How about that question?”

“I told you last night.”

I poked his chest. “No. Now. Today. Tonight. Four months later. What do you want me to do? I’ve explained my side. I’ve apologized. What?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He pushed past me. “Go home, Kate.”

He opened the front door.

I grabbed my purse. “Now who’s afraid?”

It was after rush hour, so I drove too fast on the freeway back to my apartment, fueled by adrenaline from the fight and frustration that it ended as a fight in the first place.

When he caught up with me outside Jane’s house, I never expected this contentious attitude. I genuinely believed we might be able to be friends again.

Now?

Everything I said set him off.

The man I knew didn’t hold grudges. He let his ex-wife see the kids after she cheated on him. And he was a thoughtful man.

He had to know he played a part in our breakup.

So what was this? Defense?

How did I deserve this fire after two and a half months when his wife didn’t get it after twelve years? It wasn’t fair.

Or nice.

If his anger felt…proportionate, I’d weather it, but this was…

It felt like he was deliberately pushing me away by grabbing onto the worst interpretations of my words.

Maybe Mandy broke him more than anyone realized.

Maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship in January and rebounded on me then, too.

Who loves a new woman six months after splitting from their wife?

Now who’s defensive?

We’d both been hurt in the past. Both looking to the other to prove it wouldn’t happen again. But the only guarantee in life was death.

We could only live by our best intentions.

Once inside my apartment, I sent a text.