Chapter Four

Ash sipped on a beer, watching people go by on Granville Street. They sat on a heated patio. Although it was nearly spring, it wasn’t warm enough to be proper patio weather. A low wall with glass along the top separated the patio from the street, making people-watching easy. As usual in Vancouver, people rushed by. Ash felt like time had stopped where they were seated.

Bei Bei was supposed to meet them here soon. She had been called into work unexpectedly, so she was running late. Ash didn’t mind. Sitting on the patio by themself, dressed in one of their girl outfits, was interesting. This time, they wore a purple-blue fluted skirt and a black blouse with frills around the short sleeves and neck.

Ash had actually done their own makeup. It had taken a while, but they had followed an Instagram tutorial. The result was okay. They were wearing their glasses again just in case someone came by who knew them. But the makeup really helped to disguise them, and their hair was a totally different style than usual. It looked cute rather than the mess Ash had going on most of the time.

They had drawn a few stares which seemed appreciative, so they hoped no one could tell their usual appearance.

Ash glanced at their cell phone and sighed. Still no message from Bei Bei.

They were just about to finish off their beer when someone said, “Hey, what’s your name?”

“Um.” Ash frowned as they looked up.

Two guys leaned over from another table. Ash didn’t recognize either of them, but that didn’t mean anything. They looked like university students, so maybe Ash should try to be polite.

“I’m Ashley,” they said, keeping their voice soft.

Was their voice too deep? It was pretty much impossible for Ash to sound like anything other than how they normally did. They’d practiced speaking more womanly in front of the mirror the previous night, but it had come out as falsetto, which was not what they wanted at all.

“We can’t help but notice that you’re by yourself,” said one of the guys. “You should come sit with us.”

“I’m waiting for a friend to get off work,” they said.

Ash glanced at their phone again. Still no message. Damn.

“Is your friend a girl?” asked the other guy. “She could join us.”

Ash laughed at that. “She’s gay.”

“Oh, is she bi?” asked one of the guys. “She could definitely join us.”

“Um?” Ash said in alarm. “No, like she’s—”

“Are you bi too?” asked the first guy. “Have you ever had a threesome?”

Ash flushed because they had, in fact, had a threesome before, but that wasn’t the point. These guys were really pushy!

“Aw, she totally has!” said the second guy. “Did you like it?”

“Wait,” Ash said. “I’m not interested in whatever it is you’re trying to push me into.”

Their demeanour changed instantly. The two of them went from lounging around to stiff and bristling like wolves.

“Look, Ashley, we’re not trying to push you into anything,” the first guy said. “Why would you suggest that we were?”

“Because you’re clearly angling for something,” said Ash. “I’m not interested. I’m waiting for a friend. Stop harassing me.”

“Harassing you?” said the second guy. “Look, bitch, we’re just trying to be nice.”

“Yeah,” said the first guy. “What are you, frigid or something?”

Ash had no idea what was going on. Why were these guys being so aggressive?

“Look. I don’t know why you’re so offended, but I’m telling you straight up that I don’t want a threesome, my friend is a lesbian, and I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Who said we wanted to talk to you?” asked the first guy. “We were just trying to be friendly.”

“Yeah, you ugly fucking c—”

“Excuse me?” said a familiar voice from behind them. “Are you bothering my friend?” Nolan stood at the entrance to the restaurant glaring at the two guys. He looked like an avenging angel, backlit by the light from the window behind him, which picked up the highlights in his hair to make them shine. All he needed was wings.

“Who are you?” one of the guys sneered.

“I’m her friend, and I think you should leave her alone,” Nolan squared his shoulders.

“Just try and make us,” said the second guy. “You’re clearly pretending to be a nice guy to get her into bed.”

“That may be your intention, which I find telling.” Nolan gritted his teeth. “But I’m here to stop you bothering my friend when she doesn’t want you near her.”

“I bet she doesn’t even know you,” said the first guy.

“I do,” Ash piped up. “He’s my friend, and he’s right. I don’t like you. I don’t want to talk to you. You should leave.”

“You heard the lady, move along,” said Nolan.

“It’s a free country,” said the first guy. “I think we should stay right here.”

Ash looked back and forth between Nolan and the two guys. Their throat felt tight and their cheeks flushed. Was this situation going to spin out of control? Their breath caught.

“What’s going on here?” It was Bei Bei and Ouma, finally arrived.

“Oh, I bet this is the dyke,” said the first guy, grinning.

“What the fuck did you just call me, asshole?” Bei Bei demanded.

Bei Bei alone did not seem intimidating, but she had backup. Ouma was as tall as both the guys and built like an Amazon. Her muscled arms were clearly outlined by her tight shirt, and she crossed them over her chest. She looked as if one punch from her could knock a guy’s head clear off his shoulders. Her expression suggested she was seriously considering it.

“Um,” the first guy said nervously.

“Answer her,” Ouma said in a low voice. “You call my girlfriend something nasty or what?”

“Uh,” the second guy added. “I think we should go.”

“Yeah,” the first guy said. “We’re clearly not welcome here.”

They got up and went to the front counter to pay their bills, glaring at Ash as they did. Ash glared right back. But at the same time, they breathed a sigh of relief. What would have happened if Nolan, Bei Bei, and Ouma hadn’t shown up when they did?

“You okay?” asked Nolan.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Ash’s voice shook. “I was just hoping they would go away.”

“Excuse me,” another voice said.

Everyone turned to see that there was a woman standing behind Nolan.

“I’m the manager. We just received a complaint about your group.” She looked at them levelly.

“They were harassing me,” Ash said. “My friends were just trying to make them leave.”

“Do you have proof that they were harassing you?” asked the manager.

“Do you have proof that they weren’t?” demanded Ash. “Why do you believe them and not me?”

“We don’t, we just want to get to the bottom of this situation,” said the manager. “In fact, we think it would be best if you left as well.”

“Um, you’re kicking us out because we were defending our friend against harassment?” Bei Bei asked.

“We’re kicking you out because you’re causing a disturbance and other patrons don’t want to be around you,” the manager said. “Please leave.”

There was nothing to do but leave. Ash got up, paid their bill, and left. The others followed behind them silently until they were out on the street.

“I can’t believe this!” Bei Bei muttered.

“It’s fine, babe. We just won’t go back there anymore,” Ouma said.

“Ugh, I am so going to leave them a bad Yelp review,” Bei Bei growled.

“It’s fine,” Ash said. “I was going to leave anyway.”

“You were not. You were waiting for us!” Bei Bei responded. “What is up with those jerks?”

“They wanted their petty revenge,” Nolan said with a shrug. “They got it. Good for them, I guess.”

“Shall we head back to the tavern, then?” Ouma suggested.

Everyone shrugged and nodded as they started walking in the general direction of the pub. But now that it was mentioned, Ash remembered that the Ox was attached to Tavern. As in, the downstairs was Tavern and upstairs was the Ox.

Ash had forgotten to tell Bei Bei that Evie worked at the Ox. Sure, Evie worked upstairs, but the likelihood of running into her was high. She didn’t know about Ash and their dual looks. Neither did Nolan, but maybe Evie wouldn’t notice? No, she would for sure notice Ash in her vicinity, even dressed as a woman.

What a day.

Nolan said, “Hey, we’re near a cafe I like. Do you want a coffee, Ashley?”

“Yes, that would be great,” Ash said hurriedly.

Bei Bei and Ouma shared a look. Had Bei Bei told Ouma what was going on?

“I think we’re going to head on over to Tavern,” Bei Bei said. “Maybe we’ll see you there?”

“Maybe,” Ash said.

“Okay, stay safe this time, you dolt.” Bei Bei gave them a hug.

“I wasn’t trying to get in trouble,” Ash protested.

“And yet…” Bei Bei said dryly.

“I was just sitting there, really,” Ash said. “Just minding my own business with a beer.”

“Yeah, and you got harassed anyway,” Bei Bei said. “Welcome to being a girl.”

Ash glanced over to see if Nolan had heard, but he seemed to be giving them space to say their goodbyes.

“Is it always like this?” Ash said under their breath.

“All the fricking time,” said Bei Bei. “It’s not the first time I’ve been called a dyke either.”

“Yeah,” Ash choked back tears. “They thought because I was bi that all I wanted was a threesome. Like I was just there for the taking, for their pleasure. It was gross.”

“Yeah, that totally happens to bi women a lot too,” Ouma put in. “Cis men need to just stop.”

Ash breathed hard through their nose and bit their lip. “I’ll try to be careful, but when you say it like that, interacting with sexist jerks sounds unavoidable.”

“It is,” said Bei Bei. “I should have warned you earlier. Sorry that I didn’t prepare you for the experience.”

Ash shook their head. “Nothing would have changed the situation. Thanks for coming to my defense.”

“Anytime,” Bei Bei said. “Now, I’m not saying you should tell Nolan, but—”

“I should tell Nolan, I know,” said Ash. “I’m trying to figure out how that’s supposed to go is all.”

Bei Bei rolled her eyes. “Just tell him, Ash.”

“I’ll try,” Ash said.

The two girls waved and walked off towards Tavern. Nolan was waiting for them by the doors of Blenz Coffee. He smiled slightly as he held the door open for Ash. His expression was more subdued than usual, but that wasn’t surprising, given the circumstances.

Susan (was it Susan? Ash was terrible at names) was at the counter chatting with another barista. She looked up when Nolan and Ash entered, then frowned slightly as if she recognized Ash. But then she shook her head slightly and smiled at them.

“Hello! Can I help you?”

“Just grabbing a couple of coffees.” Nolan looked at Ash. “What would you like?”

“A large caramel macchiato with an extra shot of expresso.” Ash stopped dead. That was their usual order. One that Susan would recognize. Susan looked at Ash more closely. Was that a flash of recognition?

Nolan didn’t seem to notice. “Large flat white, please.”

“Coming right up,” Susan said.

“Will you grab my coffee when it comes up?” Nolan asked. “Just using the facilities.”

Nolan strode off, leaving Ash with Susan at the counter.

“Is…is that you under there, Ash?” asked Susan.

“Um…y-yes?” said Ash. This was it. Someone other than Bei Bei had recognized them, and now they would have to explain everything. Was it a blessing or a curse that Nolan had left for this moment?

“Are you trans?” Susan blushed. “I’m sorry, that was so blunt of me. Don’t answer if you don’t feel like it.”

That made Ash feel better. “Genderfluid, actually. Just trying this look out.”

“Oh!” said Susan. “I’m… I’m agender.”

“Oh, really?” asked Ash, feeling even better now. “I didn’t know.”

“Yeah,” Susan said. “Look!”

Susan moved her (their?) nametag out from under their apron to reveal a they/their/them pronoun pin. It was a simple thing in black and white, but it meant everything to Ash. Oh, and their name actually was Susan, so it was nice to get two different confirmations from that reveal.

“I was thinking of going by Sue instead,” said Susan. “I like it more because of that song by Johnny Cash.”

“‘A Boy Named Sue’?” Ash smiled. “Yeah, that’s cool.”

“Oh! I’m supposed to be making your coffee,” said Sue. “Give me a moment.”

The coffee and Nolan were ready at about the same time.

“Hey,” Nolan said. “Let’s grab a table.”

Ash sat across from him at a small cafe table.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Nolan said. “Guys can be assholes, and you definitely didn’t deserve that.”

“I…” Ash wasn’t sure how to respond. They couldn’t say “That’s okay” because it wasn’t okay, not at all.

“It happens all the time.” Bei Bei had said it did, hadn’t she? “I’m used to it.”

They really weren’t, but a little white lie wasn’t a huge deal, right? “I’m glad that you were there. I was getting a little scared of what they would do.”

“Luckily, we were in public,” said Nolan. “Nothing really bad could happen on a patio on Granville Street in the middle of the day.”

Ash liked to think that, too, but now they weren’t so sure.

“Let’s forget about that. Thanks for the coffee.”

“No problem,” said Nolan. “I usually grab coffee for friends because my parents give me money sometimes for school and stuff. I don’t have to worry about starving like the usual undergrad.”

“Oh?” asked Ash. “My parents don’t really send me anything except the occasional care package with Jaffa cakes and Hobnobs in it.”

“My parents insist,” said Nolan, rolling his eyes. “I keep telling them that I’ll be fine—I have student loans. But they don’t listen.”

“What do your parents do?” asked Ash.

“My mother is an attorney,” said Nolan. “My father is a mixed-media artist who does paintings, sculptures, poetry…lots of stuff.”

“My dad is a banker,” said Ash. “My mom met him at university, and she’s in marketing. Very ordinary people, I guess.”

“My parents met because my mom wanted to buy my dad’s art,” said Nolan with a laugh. “And then she just kept coming back to buy more and more. She loves his art.”

“That’s good.” Ash smiled. “It’s nice to have a good family life.”

Nolan nodded, then said, “Hey, I kind of commandeered you from your friends. I didn’t mean to; I just wanted to talk to you.”

“That’s okay,” Ash said. “Bei Bei is dating Ouma, so they probably wanted to be alone for a while anyway. Especially after Ouma called Bei Bei her girlfriend back there.”

“Oh, were they not serious?” Nolan chuckled. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at them. It’s just a funny situation to emerge from that awful one.”

“Bei Bei is a huge flirt.” Ash blew on their macchiato. “But really, she wants to settle down and go all U-Haul lesbian with someone.”

“She seems like a cool friend.” Nolan took a sip of his coffee. “She certainly appeared ready to fight those guys.”

“I think Ouma was more likely to fight them.” Ash laughed. “She looked ready to smash their heads together.”

“They’re stronger than me.” Nolan shook his head ruefully. “I’m so not the fighting type. Sorry if that disappoints you.”

“I’m a complete wimp,” admitted Ash. “I’m more the nerdy bookworm type, and everyone knows that we’re bully magnets.”

“Bookworm?” asked Nolan. “What is your favourite genre?”

“Fantasy.” Ash perked up. “I’m a huge fan of Tanya Huff and Mercedes Lackey.”

“Wait, Tanya Huff is Canadian, isn’t she?” asked Nolan.

“Yeah, she is!” said Ash enthusiastically. “She writes tons of cool stuff. It’s fun.”

“I recently read a historical fantasy series with dragons,” Nolan said. “By Naomi Novik.”

“What? With dragons?” asked Ash. “I must read this series.”

“I’ll text you the name,” said Nolan.

Oh, right. Nolan had their number, they forgot. Nolan got out his phone and texted them. Their phone pinged, and Ash checked the message.

Thanks, they texted back.

Their background picture was of them and Bei Bei making faces at the camera. Ash was dressed as a guy in that one. Had Nolan seen it? They hurriedly put their phone away and then awkwardly twiddled their fingers together.

“Hey, so I had a question.” Nolan didn’t look at them as he spoke.

Uh oh. “Sure,” said Ash.

“I, um. Wanted to know if you…wanted to, um. What I’m trying to say is…” Nolan said.

Oh, wait. Was Nolan trying to ask them out?

Ash ducked their head, trying not to smile too hard. Nolan was being extremely cute, and it was making their stomach do weird flip-flops.

“I—that is, you don’t have to, but I really think you’re cool,” said Nolan. “And I don’t want to sound like one of those jerks, but you’re cute, and—”

“Yes,” Ash said.

“Yes?” Nolan turned to them in surprise.

“You’re trying to ask me out, and I said yes,” said Ash.

“Oh,” said Nolan, cheekbones an interesting shade of pink. “I mean, not that you’re wrong, but—”

“But what?” asked Ash, trying and failing not to smile.

“I wanted to actually get the question out,” Nolan said.

“Well, then say it.”

“I…” Nolan cleared his throat. “Ashley, I like you. Will you go on a date with me?”

“Of course. I already said I would,” Ash said.

“Yes, but I wanted to ask,” said Nolan. “Properly, I mean.”

“Well, you did, and I said yes.” Ash folded their fingers together, twisting them. “So, where do you want to go?”

“Um, actually, I wanted to ask if you like Japanese food,” said Nolan.

“I love Japanese food,” said Ash with relish. “It’s delicious. My favourite.”

“Oh, good, because I wanted to ask if you would go to Minami with me,” said Nolan.

“M—Minami. You want to go to that place in Yaletown that’s super expensive?” asked Ash in alarm. “I definitely cannot afford—”

“I just got finished telling you that my parents keep sending me money, remember?” asked Nolan. “Let me take you out. I really want to.”

Ash considered. They definitely wanted to go eat delicious Japanese food, especially expensive delicious Japanese food. They didn’t want to owe Nolan, but without him, they wouldn’t be able to afford it. Also, here was a chance to find out if Nolan was the type to hold it over them or not. Some guys liked to buy stuff for their date and then demand something in return.

That decided it.

“Okay,” Ash said. “But you have to let me treat you sometime.”

“That’s cool with me,” said Nolan. “It means I get to see you again.”

Ash blushed again. “Okay then, Romeo. What time are we going?”

“Let’s see, I think a Friday night would work best,” said Nolan.

“Yes, that’s true,” said Ash. “I can meet you there at six if that works for you?”

“Sure, I’ll definitely meet you.” If Nolan’s smile was megawatt before, now it was bright enough to power a lighthouse.

“Now that that’s settled, tell me what your favourite Japanese food is,” Ash said. “It’s very important.”

“I love raw fish.” Nolan squirmed. “I know some people hate it, especially the texture. But I can’t get enough of it.”

“Oh, good, me too,” said Ash. “We can share a sashimi dish.”

“Thank god.” Nolan sounded relieved. “I wasn’t sure we’d be compatible otherwise.”

“My favourite is toro,” said Ash. “The way it melts in your mouth… It’s the best.”

“I like sockeye salmon,” said Nolan. “I’m a true BC boy about it. I love fish.”

Ash nodded. “It’s great that it’s so fresh. It’s the best thing about being on the coast.”

“I’m going to be hungry if we keep this up.” Nolan laughed.

“Well, we can’t have that,” said Ash. “Want to grab some Chinese takeout from that window off Davie?”

“Yes, let’s.” Nolan grinned.

They left to grab some Chinese food. Ash loved the little takeout window, especially since it was open until three a.m., when the clubs got out. Vancouver was the best city in the world.

Ash insisted on ordering for them, and they sat on a bench waiting for the bus and sharing the food between them.

The only thing that worried Ash was that they lived in the same building as Nolan. It might be weird if they got off at their usual floor.

Luckily, before they even got on the bus, Bei Bei and Ouma came by.

“Ashley, we’re going to go out to the clubs,” Bei Bei announced, clearly intoxicated.

“We’re really not,” said Ouma. “We’re going back to the dorms because you have class tomorrow.”

“Are you seriously day drunk right now?” Ash laughed.

“Your face is drunk,” said Bei Bei, very intelligently.

Ash looked apologetically at Nolan. “I should help Ouma get Bei Bei back to the dorms.”

“At least we’re all in the same direction,” Nolan said.

The bus driver almost didn’t let Bei Bei get on, threatening to fine her if she puked. Most of the bus ride, Ash propped Bei Bei up on one side while Ouma did the same on the other.

“She’s a tiny thing, and she tried to outdrink me,” Ouma explained. “It didn’t happen, obviously.”

“Obviously.” Ash eyed Bei Bei, passed out on Ouma’s shoulder.

The three said goodbye to Nolan and got Bei Bei back to the dorms before she was spectacularly sick in the bathroom.

“Great,” said Ouma. “I know what I’m doing tonight. Thanks for helping me get her back to her room.”

“She’s my best friend,” Ash said. “Of course I’m going to help.”

They looked at Bei Bei, who was now passed out on the couch in her pyjamas with a bowl beside her head, just in case.

It was the least they could do.

*

Ash wrapped their hands tightly around their coffee cup and looked out over the choppy waters of the Pacific Ocean. The wind made the waters rough, and each dark wave that broke on the shore was capped in white seafoam.

“Ugh, why’d you drag me out here?” Bei Bei complained.

She was spectacularly hungover after her day out with Ouma. Ash had very little sympathy for her. Trying to outdrink Ouma had been a terrible failure on her part. Also, a terrible idea. Bei Bei was maybe a hundred pounds and was shorter than Ash by half a foot. Besides, she was a notorious lightweight and knew it.

“I have a lot of stuff to figure out, and I’m in a walking mood,” said Ash. “Anyway, you could have stayed at home.”

Bei Bei sighed. “Nah, the cold air will do me good.”

Hardly anyone else was out on the sea wall today, probably because of said cold air. It was fairly windy as well, whipping Ash’s hair around their face.

“I’m going on a date with Nolan,” said Ash. “You were way too drunk to remember, but he was on the bus with us on the way back to campus yesterday.”

“I vaguely recall seeing something tall and blond across from me,” Bei Bei said. “So you have a date?”

“Yeah, we’re going to that expensive Japanese place in Yaletown,” Ash admitted.

Bei Bei whistled. “Wow. Already got a dinner date?”

“I know it seems a little fast…” Ash fiddled with their sleeve. “But we’ve actually been getting along really well.”

“So he asked out Ashley,” said Bei Bei. “Does he know that you’re also Ash?”

“That’s the problem!” Ash exclaimed. “I haven’t figured it out yet. I’m not sure if he knows. He hasn’t said anything, and I don’t know how he’ll react if I tell him.”

Bei Bei sighed again. “We’ve gone over this. You have to tell him before this goes any further.”

“I’m not going to have sex with him,” said Ash. “At least, not without telling him.”

“It’s just going to get harder and harder to tell him,” said Bei Bei. “The longer it goes, the more of a secret it’ll be.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” said Ash. “It’s just, I don’t want him to stop being nice to me because of it. And he might because, even if he’s not a transphobe, he might still be mad that I lied to him.”

“Fess up already,” said Bei Bei. “You know this is just going to cause you endless stress otherwise.”

“I’ll figure it out,” said Ash. “I have to somehow.”

“So you’re going to Minami with Nolan as a girl?” asked Bei Bei. “You could just show up in your usual clothes and admit to the deception right then and there.”

“Ugh, that’s too scary,” said Ash. “I couldn’t do it in a public place like that.”

“Why not?” asked Bei Bei.

“Too embarrassing if it went badly,” said Ash. “All I need is to get yelled at by a hot guy and for a bunch of rich snobs to witness it.”

“You’re such a pessimist,” said Bei Bei. “How do you know it’ll go badly? Maybe it’ll go fine. Did you ever consider that?”

“Thinking about it just makes me anxious.” Ash blew air at their fringe. “I just can’t imagine that he would be okay with it. Maybe it’s just me being silly. I don’t know. I always expect the worst.”

“Every single time,” Bei Bei said. “But seriously, the best outcome is that he’s accepting and agrees to go on the date with you anyway.”

“But what if he’s angry?” asked Ash. “Ugh, I’m really not good with confrontation.”

“I know you’re not,” Bei Bei said. “But if you don’t think it’ll go well, why do you even like him? If he turns out to be an asshole, then it’s better to find out now than to waste your time on him.”

“Ugh, but I like him.” Ash groaned. “He’s really a good person with a sense of humour and similar interests to me and everything.”

“If he’s a good person, then he won’t get mad,” Bei Bei said. “Easy as that.”

“He’s like Schrödinger’s hottie.” Ash shook their head. “He’s both a great person and an asshole until you open the box.”

“Just open the damn box. Quit torturing yourself,” Bei Bei said.

“Easy for you to say; you don’t have to do it,” Ash grumbled.

At that moment, Bei Bei’s phone rang. Frowning, she dug it out of her purse and looked at the screen.

“It’s work.” She sounded annoyed.

She answered, switching to speaking Mandarin.

Ash wished they spoke another language. All their school in the UK offered was French, and that didn’t appeal. If they’d had the option to learn a different language, Japanese, for instance… They imagined Nolan’s surprise as they ordered sashimi in fluent Japanese. Was it too late to learn?

Bei Bei hung up abruptly and let out a frustrated noise.

“Someone is sick, and there’s a deadline coming up. It’s all hands on deck, apparently. I’ve been called in.”

“Sounds like a them problem to me,” said Ash.

“That’s what I said, but I need this job until I’m done with school.” Bei Bei growled. “It sucks, but I have to go in. Luckily, we’re already downtown. Let’s head back.”

“Okay,” said Ash. “I’ll stop by our cafe and get a coffee.”

They walked in silence for a little while.

After a bit, Ash asked, “How are you and Ouma doing?”

“Oh, man, she’s the reason I drank so much yesterday,” groaned Bei Bei.

“Yeah, because you tried to outdrink her.” Ash shook their head. “Bad move.”

“No, it’s because she said I was her girlfriend, and suddenly I’m in a relationship,” Bei Bei said. “One I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be in.”

Ash blinked. “Don’t you like Ouma?”

“I do like Ouma,” said Bei Bei. “She’s super awesome. I just… I’m not sure how committed to commitment I am, you know?”

“Sort of, yeah,” said Ash. “I got that way with Evie.”

“Look how that ended,” said Bei Bei.

“Exactly,” said Ash. “You don’t want that kind of thing to happen with Ouma. You should probably talk to her and sort it out.”

“I should, but it’s scary,” said Bei Bei. “What if she dumps me?”

“She might.” Ash shrugged. “But if you let it fester, you’ll have a vengeful ex on the warpath after your blood. Zero out of ten, would not recommend.”

“Yeah, I get that,” said Bei Bei. “Still. Why is romance so hard?”

“I have no idea,” said Ash. “It really shouldn’t be, and yet it is.”

Just as they spoke, a few drops of rain fell, threatening to get heavier at any moment.

“Great,” Bei Bei said. “Now I get to be soaking wet as well as stuck at work.”

“I have a brolly,” said Ash, digging in their bag.

“You and your British words,” said Bei Bei, but she accepted a space underneath Ash’s umbrella.

The rain turned into a downpour. Bei Bei eagerly took refuge once they reached her workplace.

“I’m not soaked through, so there’s a positive.” She turned to Ash. “Hey. You think about how you’re going to deal with this girl-Ash/boy-Ash situation. It’s going to blow up in your face if you’re not careful.”

“Thinking about it is all I ever do,” grumbled Ash.

They walked alone to Blenz, hoping Sue would be there. At least they would understand what Ash was going through. Maybe their newest friend could give them some advice.

Sue was not there, unfortunately. The cafe was bustling because a lot of people were weathering the storm inside. Ash didn’t recognize the barista that gave them their usual drink. All there was for Ash to do was sit and think over the consequences of their actions.

Ash had gone over the problem so many times, and every time they circled around it, the solution boiled down to taking a leap of faith and telling Nolan they were genderfluid.

Ash stared into their macchiato. Could they handle the outcome? After how things had ended with Evie, Ash was wary of doing anything to anger the person they were dating. But Bei Bei was right. Eventually Nolan would figure it out on his own, and then where would Ash be? Nolan would probably be even angrier that Ash didn’t tell him earlier.

The fallout could be devastating. Nolan would be angry about the deception, not just that Ash was genderfluid. No one liked having secrets kept from them.

Then again, Ash thought rebelliously, was it really a secret? Ash was just trans, and they had no obligation to tell anyone they were. Coming out was dangerous, and Ash couldn’t be certain that telling Nolan wouldn’t put them in danger.

It always came back to the Schrödinger’s hottie scenario. Either Nolan was a nice guy or he wasn’t, but he was both until Ash actually did something.

Usually, the sweet caramel of the macchiato lifted Ash’s spirits, but today they barely tasted it, lost in thought. What would they do with Nolan’s reaction when he did eventually find out?

Even if he wasn’t mad, he might have no idea what genderfluid actually meant, and Ash would have to explain it. What if Nolan didn’t actually accept that Ash was genderfluid? A ton of transphobes didn’t even think that non-binary people were a real thing. It was difficult because Ash themself found it hard to explain how they felt. Genderfluidity was like being water and filling different containers of gender. And that was without touching the general debate on whether being genderfluid was “trans enough” to count. Ash felt like trans identified them well, and other non-binary people didn’t. All of this was not easy to explain to a cis person.

All it boiled down to was that Ash was too much of a coward to actually tell Nolan themself. This situation was rapidly reeling out of their control. Yet if Ash’s life had never veered in this direction, it would have been somehow disappointing. Like a missed opportunity.

Ash realized that their coffee was rapidly becoming undrinkable and took a quick swig.

What to do? Ash couldn’t figure it out themself, and Bei Bei had already voiced her opinion.

There was another solution. Maybe Ash could subtly figure out what Nolan thought of genderfluid and non-binary people. All they really had to do was point out somebody’s Twitter rant or something similar and see what Nolan said about it.

That was it. A better plan than just taking a leap of faith. Subtly figuring out if Nolan was an awful person would take effort, but it was better than just asking outright.

There. Ash had a plan. This operation would take a lot of strategy, so what they needed was a good plan of attack.

They took out a notebook from their bag and turned to a fresh page. This plan would take every bit of skill they had, so they had to be careful.

So there, Bei Bei was wrong about needing to confront the problem head-on.

That was their last thought before carefully beginning to plan out their strategy.