Chapter Six

It was the day of the Great Deception. Ash was so nervous they couldn’t sit still. It didn’t help that they’d already drank three cups of coffee before class started. Their heart was on overdrive, and nothing they did would make their hands stay still.

Bei Bei dropped them off at the entrance to their classroom.

“I’ll meet you at the gender-neutral washrooms in exactly one hour and twenty minutes,” Bei Bei said. “Don’t be late!”

“Okay.” Ash nodded decisively. “I’m ready!”

They went to their usual spot in the classroom, still feeling like they would vibrate right out of their skin. Ash was convinced that everyone could hear their heart thumping, but thankfully no one looked their way.

“Ash!” said someone.

Ash spun around, blinking rapidly. “Yes?”

Nolan’s facial expression shifted immediately from pleased to concerned. “Are you okay? Only your eyes are super-dilated right now.”

“Too much coffee,” said Ash. “I’ll be okay.”

Nolan laughed a little. “If you insist.”

Ash tapped their foot on the floor repeatedly, fiddling with their pen lid. If they could just calm down a little bit, this would be much easier. But that wasn’t going to happen.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” asked Nolan. “You seem jumpy.”

Ash swallowed hard and nodded. “Yep, nothing wrong here. Caffeine high is all.”

Dr. Brandon stepped into the room, but Ash hardly noticed him. They were too busy trying not to hyperventilate in the middle of the classroom.

“Ash?” whispered Nolan. “I swear that you’re vibrating right now. Is that normal?”

“No, not really,” said Ash quickly. “I—I don’t know. I’m just a little bit nervous.”

“A little bit?” asked Nolan in surprise. “You seem like if someone lit a match next to you, you’d explode.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it; I’ll be fine,” said Ash. “Nothing to worry about. Ha ha.”

Nolan shrugged but turned to pay attention to the lecture. Ash also turned to focus on what Dr. Brandon was saying, but it wasn’t happening. Everything the professor said went straight in one ear and out the other. Their brain was a sieve right now.

“Here.” Nolan passed them a piece of paper. “Just doodle.”

Ash gratefully took the paper and started drawing. They started with a loop like a fingerprint that spiralled outward. When they finished that, they tried to draw a sun, but it became spikier and spikier as they drew the sun’s rays. Cross-hatching. That’s what they’d do next.

But their hand shook too much, and they messed up the lines. They scribbled out the cross-hatching and then began scribbling harder until they actually tore through the paper. They ended up with a piece of torn paper with erratic scribbles scratched across it.

They didn’t realize they were breathing too hard until Nolan touched their shoulder.

“You sure you’re okay?” asked Nolan. “You haven’t been paying any attention at all. We’re supposed to be doing group work right now.”

“Already?” asked Ash in surprise. “That was quick.”

“Ash,” Nolan said slowly. “Dr. Brandon just lectured us for almost an hour. We only have half an hour left of class.”

“What?” asked Ash. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe you should go take a rest,” said Nolan, looking worried. “I can tell you what you missed today if you want to go early.”

“No, no,” Ash said hastily. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Okay, if you insist,” said Nolan. “But do you even know what we were talking about for that whole hour that Dr. Brandon was lecturing?”

Ash swore they had been listening, but they were coming up blank. They didn’t recall a single word from the lecture. Dr. Brandon could have been telling them about the coming apocalypse, and Ash would not have noticed anything wrong.

“I forget,” they admitted. “What happened?”

“We talked about Margaret Atwood,” said Nolan. “We’re supposed to discuss narrative elements in Surfacing and the ending of the book.”

“Oh,” said Ash.

Nolan shook his head. “You’re acting really weird, Ash. Are you sure you’re fine?”

“I’m fine,” Ash repeated automatically.

Nolan took a deep breath. “Look, remember the bus? I know you have anxiety issues sometimes. If you need to leave the classroom, even for a bit, I’m sure that Dr. Brandon would understand.”

Ash blinked. “That’s not what I was expecting you to say.”

“What were you expecting me to say?” asked Nolan.

“I don’t know,” Ash said slowly. “Anything other than that.”

“Why?” asked Nolan. “What makes you think that I don’t really care about your mental health?”

“Nothing,” Ash said in hasty reassurance. “It’s just that nobody really notices the anxiety or asks if I need time or space to be alone.”

“Oh,” Nolan said. “Well, I’m different.”

“Clearly,” Ash said. “It’s just that society is bad with mental health issues, and I’ve never asked anyone to give me any accommodations for it.”

“Okay,” Nolan said. “Do you feel like explaining what’s causing your anxiety?”

“Oh!” Ash remembered why they had been having an internal freak-out. The thought of it sent their pulse skyrocketing again.

“Whoa, okay, Ash, it’s okay,” said Nolan. “We don’t have to talk about it. Let’s just talk about the book.”

“Okay,” Ash said, trying to breathe properly. “I’m okay. I just need to breathe.”

“Here,” Nolan said, offering his wrist. “Take my pulse and match your breathing to mine.”

“Will that work?” asked Ash.

“Maybe?” asked Nolan. “No clue, it was just an idea.”

Ash reached out and took Nolan’s wrist in their hands. They found Nolan’s pulse, and although, initially, touching Nolan made their pulse spike again, it quickly slowed to match Nolan’s.

“Breathe, Ash,” said Nolan. “Just breathe a bit, okay?”

Ash closed their eyes, breathing in and out as slowly as they could. A moment later, they felt a bump against their forehead. They peeked to see what was going on. Nolan also had his eyes closed and was leaning his forehead against Ash’s. Ash’s heartbeat picked up again for a second, but it was very soothing to sit near someone and match their heartbeats and breathing.

Maybe everything would actually be okay.

“Hello, gentleman,” said a voice. “May I ask what’s going on here?”

Ash didn’t move, and neither did Nolan.

“Just a little bit of anxiety, Professor,” said Nolan softly. “We’ll be fine in a second.”

“All right, then,” Dr. Brandon said. “I’ll come around again in a bit.”

Ash stayed with their head resting against Nolan’s for another couple of minutes.

“Okay,” they said. “Okay, I’m actually fine now.”

They opened their eyes and found Nolan was also looking right at them. This close, his eyes were really very blue. Ash was still calm, so they simply kept breathing and staring. There wasn’t any reason to look away.

“Are you going to be okay?” asked Nolan finally.

“Yes,” Ash said. “I’m fine again.”

“Okay.” Nolan drew back.

Ash exhaled slowly. They hadn’t realized how anxious they were before until they were calm again.

“Right,” Nolan said. “Do you remember what the lecture was about now? Or do you need a summary?”

“A summary would help,” admitted Ash. “I don’t really remember what was happening.”

“Fair enough,” said Nolan.

He quickly gave them a few points to remember for the class, and then they moved on to the actual book.

“I wasn’t really a fan of this one.” Ash shrugged. “I liked Eden Robinson’s work better.”

“Me too,” said Nolan. “But then, you know I liked Robinson’s work better anyway.”

“True.” Ash laughed.

“There we go,” Nolan said. “I like you laughing better too.”

Ash flushed and ducked their head. Flirting with Nolan gave them a thrill, even as it confused them further. Why was Nolan flirting with them when they thought they and Ashley were separate people? Or does he know they’re the same person? Was Nolan polyamorous? That could be the answer, but he had yet to tell Ash what the heck was going on.

Coffee with Nolan was supposed to clear this whole thing up anyway. They would finally be able to ask their questions and get some answers. Then this entire situation would change. Nolan would be okay with it or he wouldn’t. Either way, Ash would know how to proceed.

At that point, the class ended. It was time.

Ash picked up their stuff and prepared to do a mad dash across the campus.

“Hey, where are you going?” Nolan asked.

“Um, bathroom,” said Ash.

“Oh,” said Nolan. “Want me to wait for you? I thought we could walk together.”

Wait, what? Why was Nolan trying to walk with them when he was supposed to be meeting Ash in just ten minutes? Did he want to introduce them or something? That wasn’t part of the plan at all! Ash couldn’t be two people at once!

“Ah, no, it’s okay, you go ahead,” said Ash. “I’ll see you later.”

“Wait, what—”

No, no, no! Ash needed to go to the bathroom without Nolan in tow! If Nolan followed them, everything would be ruined. They had to get away now!

“Really gotta go,” Ash said quickly. “I’ll see you soon, I promise.”

“I just—”

“Later,” said Ash. “I’ll see you. In a while. Just give me a bit.”

“Okay,” Nolan said, looking puzzled. “I guess I’ll see you soon anyway.”

“Okay!” Ash grabbed all of their stuff and ran up the stairs and out of the classroom.

They tried not to appear to be in too much of a hurry but probably failed miserably in that endeavour. They only had five minutes to get from the classroom to the washroom. Class had just gotten out, so the halls were full of people, some of whom were just standing around, being obstacles in Ash’s path.

“Please move,” Ash pleaded, pushing their way through one such group.

There was the bathroom up ahead. Bei Bei and Ouma waited outside for them.

“Let’s go,” said Bei Bei. “Hurry.”

Ash pushed the door open, and without waiting for any further prompts, stripped off their guy clothes and started pulling on their girl clothes. Usually, they would be embarrassed to be naked in front of Bei Bei and Ouma, but this was a special case. No one had time for their embarrassment.

Ash finished dressing in record time, the fastest they had ever gotten dressed. As soon as they were done, they sat on the toilet seat and closed their eyes. Bei Bei immediately went to work with the makeup as Ouma did their hair.

Ash did their best to stay still. It was all they could not to jump up and pace again. They couldn’t move their face at all, not one muscle, for fear that even a twitch would cause Bei Bei to make a mistake.

“Almost done,” Bei Bei reported. “Just going to outline your eyes.”

“I’m done,” Ouma reported. “Good to go on my end.”

“Done,” Bei Bei said a moment later. “Five minutes and thirty seconds. Ash, you have four minutes to get to the cafe.”

Ash opened their eyes and had seconds to look at their face in the mirror. It looked fine to them. They shoved a pair of glasses over their face, slipped on a new pair of shoes, and shoved the door open.

Someone waiting outside the bathroom said, “Hey, what took you so long?”

Ash didn’t answer and took off running across campus again, cursing as they slipped in the new shoes. Behind them, they heard Bei Bei and Ouma emerge and the person waiting exclaim something about orgies. It didn’t matter; Ash had a mission.

Ash was out of breath by the time they reached the cafe. They took in a deep breath and then another, trying to regain their composure. A quick look at their reflection in the cafe window revealed that they had probably ruined Ouma’s work by running. There was nothing for it. They were here.

They walked into the cafe and saw Nolan sitting and reading at one of the tables. He looked up at their entrance and smiled. Ash nearly stopped in their tracks at how handsome he was sitting there, smiling at them. This is what they were putting all this effort in for.

“Hey, I didn’t make you wait too long, did I?” asked Ash breathlessly.

“Not at all.” Nolan smiled mysteriously. “What did you want to drink?”

“You’re always the one buying me things,” Ash said playfully. “You should let me get you something once in a while.”

“I really don’t mind,” Nolan said as he got up to stand in line with them.

“It’s almost time for spring,” Ash said. “Then I can switch to iced coffees instead.”

“Do you like iced coffees?” Nolan laughed.

“They’re only my favourite thing ever,” said Ash. “I don’t want to alarm you, but I could drink ten of them in one day without problem.”

“If you say so,” Nolan said.

They got up to the front of the line, and Ash ordered for both of them. They liked caramel macchiatos, but Nolan tended to prefer chai tea lattes. The two of them got their drinks and went back to where Ash had dropped off all their stuff.

“You look nice today,” Nolan said as they sat down.

“Thanks,” said Ash shyly. “You look good too.”

Nolan waved a hand, looking embarrassed. “What are you doing later today?”

“Um,” Ash said. “Me and Bei Bei might go do something, but we don’t really have any solid plans. What about you?”

“Well, I was hoping that after coffee we might go for a walk,” said Nolan. “Or something. You know, because it’s nice out today.”

It was nice out. The sun was shining, it wasn’t too windy, and Ash had felt like it was warm enough to wear their skirt.

“I’d love that,” said Ash honestly. “I love going for walks around here. Vancouver is beautiful, and Point Grey is a lovely area.”

“Okay, that’s good.” Nolan looked relieved. “I was thinking we could just go walk on Wreck Beach. It’s really close, and there probably won’t be anyone there this time of year.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” said Ash. “Don’t feel like getting flashed today?”

Nolan blushed. “Um, not really.”

Wreck Beach was a nude beach, and during summer it was full of naked people. Ash didn’t see anything wrong with that, but it was fun to tease people about it.

“It would be nice to walk along the shore, even if it is still a little nippy out,” Ash added. “I love the ocean.”

“Yeah, I grew up here, but it never really gets old,” said Nolan. “It’s a beautiful city, even if you’re from here and know everything about it.”

“That’s a very romantic notion,” said Ash with a laugh. “You could almost be describing a person.”

“One day, I hope to be able to describe a person that way,” Nolan said softly. “I’d like to meet someone who I think is beautiful all the time.”

He didn’t say anything else, but his gaze held multitudes, like a million days in one long montage. Ash almost couldn’t look away from him but tore their gaze to their folded hands on the table. Their hands were too masculine-looking, not dainty or feminine at all.

What a time for dysphoria to hit.

As soon as they thought about their hands, they were aware of their body inside these feminine clothes, realizing all over again how clumsy and silly they must look in them. Their hands were too big, their feet too big, their jaw too strong, their nose too large. They had fairly narrow shoulders for a guy, but for a girl, they were definitely too big. They were like a lumbering, hulking beast trying to pretend to be a doll.

“Hey, you okay?” asked Nolan.

“Yeah,” said Ash, trying not to think about their body. “I’m just feeling a little weird is all. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m sorry,” said Nolan hurriedly. “About what I said. If it made you uncomfortable, that was not my intention at all.”

“It wasn’t that,” said Ash. “I just feel like there’s no way that I’m beautiful enough anyone could think that about me.”

Ash wasn’t fishing for compliments. They just honestly felt that way about themself. Because truly, who would actually like them if they knew that Ash was genderfluid? They probably looked so foolish right now. What were they doing being anywhere near Nolan looking like this?

“You really think that?” asked Nolan quietly.

“I just said I did,” Ash said a little defensively. “I’m not beautiful at all. I’m not even pretty, really. I just feel gross most of the time.”

“You’re not gross,” said Nolan. “I—I think you’re very beautiful every time I see you. I can’t help it, but I really like you. Not just your looks. I think you’re a great person too.”

Ash blushed hard. “Thank you. That made me feel a little better.”

It had. They didn’t necessarily feel beautiful right at the moment, but the thought that Nolan thought that they were beautiful was nice. Nolan wasn’t lying, was he? Why would he lie? He was an honest and kind person, so he wouldn’t say something like that if it weren’t true.

Dysphoria was just a feeling, they reminded themself. It didn’t mean anything at all. What really mattered was how euphoric it made Ash feel to dress like this. They had never felt better than when they were wearing their skirt and blouse.

“Your coffee is going to get cold.” Nolan picked up his tea latte.

Ash realized he was right and picked up their forgotten coffee cup. They took a sip and a deep breath at the same time. They really needed to calm down and focus. They had almost completely forgotten their mission.

How to bring it up in conversation without giving away that they were thinking about themself in this context? They had to try. Maybe if they took a roundabout route to get there?

“Did you hear that there are more celebrities coming out as LGBTQ+ these days?” Ash said, trying to shift the conversation towards what they wanted to ask about.

“Yeah,” said Nolan. “I did. It’s been on the covers of magazines at the store.”

“I saw them too,” said Ash. “I thought it was interesting.”

“Definitely, I think it’s a good thing,” Nolan said. “Before now, there have been very few famous people who were out. When I was a kid, I thought that it was weird and pervy to be LGBTQ+, but later on, I realized it wasn’t. That I was bisexual. It’s important for kids nowadays and other people who didn’t realize they were queer to know that there are other people out there.”

“Yeah.” Ash nodded. “I didn’t realize when I was a kid just how many people were queer, and that it was okay. I have yet to tell my parents about it, but I think that they’ll be more accepting because of all the people who have come out recently.”

“That’s good,” said Nolan. “I haven’t told my parents either, but I believe the current way of thinking is closer to acceptance. I’d like it if it were like that for me.”

“It makes dating hard.” Ash skirted even closer to the question they wanted to ask. “I always wonder if the person I’m dating will accept me as I am.”

“Me too,” said Nolan. “Being bisexual can be hard because no matter who I date, someone has something negative to say about it, whether from the straight or queer community.”

Just as Nolan said that, someone laughed loudly from the cafe entrance. Ash looked over reflexively, only to start in alarm.

The two girls from their class were entering the cafe, talking at full volume. Ash forgot what their names were, but that wasn’t important. What if the girls recognized Ash? What if they came over here and started bothering Nolan? This was bad. Their whole plan might be thrown off.

Maybe they should just leave.

They internally shook their head. That was a no go unless things became dire. They couldn’t leave Nolan here for no apparent reason, especially since the blonde one wanted Nolan for herself. They had to think of something else.

“Oh, it’s Melanie and Navreet,” said Nolan, looking over as well. “Ugh, why are they being so loud?”

“I was just about to say the same thing,” Ash said. “Everyone in here is trying to relax and talk to people, but they are just being rude.”

Melanie laughed again at something Navreet said. She surveyed the cafe, and Ash saw the exact moment she recognized Nolan. They quickly looked away but could feel Melanie’s eyes on them.

“Oh, she saw us,” said Nolan. “And she’s glaring daggers at your back. Sorry about that.”

“That’s okay.” Ash remembered that Ashley wasn’t supposed to know who the girls were. “I’m not especially bothered by it.”

They said that even though they were deathly afraid that Melanie or Navreet would recognize them. What would happen if either of the girls came over? There was no reason for them to, apart from being obnoxious, but what if they did? They were clearly the obnoxious sort.

“Are you sure?” asked Nolan. “We can go for a walk now.”

“You’re not finished with your chai latte,” Ash protested.

“It’s fine,” Nolan insisted. Ash resisted the urge to look behind them.

Their bad luck didn’t end there, of course. Melanie and Navreet took the nearest seat to them. Unfortunately, they could both see Ash’s face from their seats. Ash could see the two girls staring at them in their peripheral vision. They dared not look over to see what they were doing otherwise. They were being a lot quieter than they had been earlier, but that was even more ominous than their usual loud behaviour.

“We don’t have to put up with this behaviour,” Nolan said quietly. “I’m nearly done with my latte now, and then we can get out of here.”

“We shouldn’t have to leave just because of them.” Ash clenched their fists on the tabletop. “I wouldn’t mind so much, it’s just that they keep staring at me. It’s weird.”

Ash shifted uncomfortably and then risked a glance in the direction of the table. The two girls glared at them, so Ash quickly turned back around.

“They’re really glaring,” said Nolan. “Ugh, why won’t they leave me alone? I really don’t like them at all.”

“I don’t know; they’re narcissists, I guess,” Ash replied. “I just wish they’d quit looking at me.”

“Don’t worry. I don’t think they recognize you,” said Nolan. “If you were uncomfortable wearing those clothes on campus, you could have worn those other ones. I don’t mind.”

Ash’s brain skidded to a halt. For a second, there was nothing. Then, it began again, rapidly processing Nolan’s words. A spike of panic shot through their entire body. Recognized them? The girls had never seen Ashley ever, and Nolan knew that. Their pulse skyrocketed. But they did know Ash from class. Other clothes? Did Nolan mean “guy” clothes? Adrenaline rushed through their already charged system. Which meant…

Nolan knew that Ash was Ashley, and he had for a while.

Ash abruptly stood and then, without looking at Nolan, ran out of the cafe.

*

Ash ran. They had no idea where they were going or why they were running. Somewhere inside them, a huge ball of panic had erupted, and they had simply followed their instincts. In their bag, they could hear their phone pinging with text messages. A moment later, their phone went off. Ash didn’t even stop to look and see who it was. They knew who it was. Nolan wanted to know the reason behind their abrupt departure. Since Ash didn’t even know why they had run away, they couldn’t explain. There was no way they were going back.

Ash ran. They passed students and professors, a lot of whom turned to watch them go, but no one stopped them. For that, Ash was thankful.

They ran until they couldn’t run anymore and found themself at the other end of campus, near the stadium. No one else was around. They collapsed onto a nearby bench and put their head in their hands.

What could they do now? This was an unmitigated disaster as far as they were concerned. Nolan had known the entire time that they were the same person and had never thought to tell them? They had gone out all these times, and Ash had thought they were fooling everyone. But clearly, they weren’t fooling anyone. Suddenly, Ash felt like everyone in the world was staring at them in their girl clothes and boy body. No one was around, but Ash felt eyes from everywhere.

It took a moment for Ash to realize that they were hyperventilating and heading into a full-blown panic attack.

They struggled with their phone. Ignoring the six or seven messages from Nolan, they found Bei Bei’s number.

ASH: Emergency.

Then they waited for Bei Bei to text back. It didn’t take long. A minute later, their phone pinged with an incoming message.

BEI BEI: What? What happened? Did it not go well?

ASH: Nolan knew the entire time that I was both Ash and Ashley.

They curled up on the bench, shivering in the now-cold air. This was bad. What were they supposed to do? They still had class on Thursday with Nolan. For a wild second, they considered dropping the class so they wouldn’t have to see him again.

Their phone pinged and then pinged again. They ignored the messages, trying to rein in their racing thoughts.

Their phone rang again, and Ash briefly considered pitching the thing into a nearby bush. But what if it was Bei Bei? They looked down and saw that it was Nolan calling again. They turned the phone on silent and sighed, closing their eyes.

Eventually, Nolan stopped calling. Ash was almost disappointed but reminded themself that they wanted Nolan to stop calling. Ash didn’t know what to say, so it was just as well.

The phone rang again, and Ash groaned. Then, they saw it was Bei Bei and picked up.

“Ash!” said Bei Bei’s voice from the other end. “Where are you?”

“Um,” Ash said, looking around. “Near the stadium, I think.”

“Holy shit, that’s a long way,” said Bei Bei. “What the hell? What happened?”

“I’ll tell you in person,” said Ash, shivering again. “I’m staying over here for now, just in case Nolan is still somewhere over there.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little overdramatic?” asked Bei Bei.

“Am not,” said Ash. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Just hang on,” said Bei Bei. “I’m getting a coat and coming to find you.”

Ash clung to the phone, listening as Bei Bei rustled around looking for a coat and getting her shoes on.

“Don’t hang up,” they pleaded.

“I won’t,” said Bei Bei. “I’m coming. Try to describe where you are.”

Ash looked around, their heart still beating fast. “I’m between the stadium and botanical gardens.”

“Okay, stay where you are. I’m coming,” said Bei Bei.

Ash heard the thump of the door closing on the other end and Bei Bei’s breathing as she walked down the hallway in the dorms.

“Ash, are you still there?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Ash said shakily.

“Okay, tell me what the weather’s like.”

The elevator pinged on the other end.

“Um…” Ash tried to concentrate on the weather and not the impending sense of doom they were feeling. “It’s sunny out. A few clouds, not too many. Not raining or windy.”

Perfect day for a walk. A walk that they had ruined. Because they had run away.

Bei Bei must have heard their breathing pick up because she said, “Okay, what do you smell?”

Ash fought down rising nausea and the urge to vomit. They took a deep breath. “The ocean. I can smell the briny smell of salt. Trees. It’s spring, and the leaves are coming out. Cherry blossoms.”

“Good,” Bei Bei said, and Ash could hear noise in the background of her call, her breathing, her footsteps, people talking. “What do you feel?”

“Sunlight on my hair,” Ash said immediately. “The fabric of my skirt on my legs. The ground under my feet.”

“Yes, keep concentrating,” Bei Bei said. “Imagine that your feet are roots. They’re growing into the ground beneath you, spreading through the earth. Imagine the feeling of the earth around you. Feel the damp soil, smell the earthy scent. It’s secure and solid, and your roots are deep. You’re still.”

Ash did as they were told, closing their eyes. Their feet were roots keeping them tethered to the ground. They imagined the feeling and texture of the earth as if they were holding a fistful and letting it slide between their fingers. They imagined the scent of the earth. It wasn’t hard, because the air already smelled of greenery.

“Tap your first finger to your thumb,” said Bei Bei. “Then your second finger. Then your third. Then your fourth. Keep doing that and count.”

Ash did as they were told with the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. The pads of their fingers were rough but warm.

“Deep breaths, with me. Take a breath and count with me,” Bei Bei continued.

Ash counted in their head along with Bei Bei’s voice.

“Breathe out,” Bei Bei said. “And count.”

Bei Bei kept up the breathing count, and Ash followed along. As they did, their pulse slowly but surely lowered.

“I see you. Be there in a sec,” said Bei Bei.

Ash opened their eyes and saw Bei Bei closing the distance between them. The relief they felt at the sight of her was immense.

“Ash, are you okay?” asked Bei Bei. “You haven’t had a panic attack in a while.”

Ash took stock. They were still definitely anxious about the situation, but they weren’t panicking at the moment. The hyperventilating was gone, and the urge to throw up had faded.

“I’ll be okay,” said Ash. “Thanks for talking me through it.”

“It’s okay, I just want to know if you’re feeling less like panicking,” said Bei Bei.

“I’m all right,” Ash said. “I just had a momentary lapse in control.”

“What’s going on?” asked Bei Bei. “What’s happened?”

“I’ll explain, but first we should get back to the dorms,” said Ash. “I just wish I had a hoodie or something to hide under.”

“I thought that something might have happened that made you want your other clothes, so I brought them with me,” Bei Bei said.

Ash realized that Bei Bei had a bag slung over her shoulder. “You’re a lifesaver.”

Bei Bei handed them the bag, and they dug out their other clothes. They pulled the jeans up under their skirt, then dragged it off. The hoodie went on overtop of their feminine clothes, effectively masking them.

“Come on, let’s get back to the dorms,” said Bei Bei. “Yours or mine?”

“Yours for now, just in case,” said Ash.

Bei Bei shot them a look, and they quickly added, “I’m not in danger, just… I don’t want to have to talk to Nolan just yet.”

Bei Bei nodded, and they made quick work of the distance between themselves and the dorms. Ash was even more relieved to see Bei Bei’s door come into view. They didn’t realize how tense they had been until the door to her room closed behind them.

They flopped down on Bei Bei’s bed with an arm slung over their eyes and groaned.

“Tell me what happened,” said Bei Bei.

“It was all going really well,” said Ash. “I thought it was all okay, and then it turned out that Nolan knew the entire time that I was both Ash and Ashley.”

“Wait,” Bei Bei said. “So you didn’t have to confess at all this entire time? He already knew?”

“Yeah,” said Ash.

“Isn’t this a good development, then?” asked Bei Bei.

Ash thought about it for a second. “I just panicked. I don’t know why.”

“Well, are you going to talk to him at all?” asked Bei Bei.

“I can’t.” Ash groaned again. “I can’t believe I just ran away without even thinking about it.”

“You do have a tendency of doing just that.” Bei Bei grimaced. “You did the same thing with Evie.”

“You don’t need to remind me.” Ash scrubbed a hand over their face.

“You’re ruining your makeup,” said Bei Bei.

“I know,” said Ash. “I just can’t be bothered to care. Everything’s going to shit.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” said Bei Bei.

“I don’t know what to do,” said Ash. “I ran away without any explanation at all, and I haven’t even looked at the text messages he sent me.”

“You should probably start with doing that,” said Bei Bei. “Maybe there’s something in them that will help you with your next step.”

“I don’t want to look at them,” said Ash. “It’ll just remind me what a fool I am.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be right here if you need any help with that,” said Bei Bei, but the joke fell flat.

“I’m so ridiculous.” Ash took their arm off their face to stare at the ceiling. “I can’t believe I thought I was fooling anybody. Does everyone know? Has everyone figured out that I’m just a weirdo who likes dressing in men’s and women’s clothes?”

“Is that what’s really bothering you?” asked Bei Bei.

“It’s definitely a part of it.” Ash heaved another sigh. “I really thought I passed as a woman, you know? It made me feel really good to think that no one had me figured out. I mean, I did wonder if Nolan recognized me, but because he never said anything, I thought I was good.”

“Well, you don’t know that anyone else recognized you,” said Bei Bei. “I only know you’re Ash when you’re dressed as a girl because I already know you. Maybe it’s the same with Nolan.”

“I saw Sue, the barista at our cafe, and they knew I was me when dressed as a woman too,” said Ash. “I just thought I had this really awesome disguise, and the whole time everybody knew it was me.”

“It’s not a disguise, though,” said Bei Bei. “You’re not pretending. You’re genderfluid, and you’re valid. You’re not dressing up as a woman; that’s just who you are sometimes.”

“I guess you’re right,” said Ash. “I just have a hard time thinking that this identity is actually me. I’ve lived my whole life being told I was a guy, and then suddenly I’m not?”

“It sounds like you have some issues to sort out about yourself before you handle the whole Nolan situation,” said Bei Bei.

“Yeah,” said Ash. “I really do.”

Wasn’t that the whole problem? Nothing was wrong with Nolan. It all stemmed from Ash and their insecurity.

Ash didn’t have any clue how to deal with that.