Doubts
Luke lay in bed emotionally exhausted, but sleep eluded him. First there’d been Ivy. She had run off with a man and spent several nights with him. Now he and Leah would have to help her through the consequences.
He shouldn’t have offered to still marry Ivy, however. He’d recognized the terrible fix she was in and knew he’d once promised to marry her. Yet, once he’d made the offer, he’d regretted it. God wanted a couple to be totally committed to each other in marriage, and Luke wouldn’t have been doing that. He was so glad she’d said no.
That Ivy wanted to get rid of her child had been the worst part of all. The very thought repulsed him.
Then there was Leah. Leah had handled the situation wonderfully. Luke would never have thought to hide Ivy away and raise the child for her. It was a viable solution, and one they could offer Ivy right away, because it didn’t involve anyone else. How he loved Leah!
But he wasn’t sure she loved him in the same way. He feared Leah might love Lawrence more. Hadn’t she told Luke herself, if her family had wanted her to marry Lawrence instead of Archibald, she wouldn’t have run away. Did Leah want a chance with Lawrence?
Lawrence had once told Luke he’d been in love with Ivy for a long time, but he’d kept it to himself and adored her from afar. What would Lawrence think of her running away with Luke, his best friend? Luke hoped he’d be able to explain it and that Lawrence would understand. Accepting a pregnant Ivy would be even harder, however. Would this complicated mess ever be worked out? He’d thought if he could just find Ivy, settle things, and get on with his life, things would be better. Now he’d found Ivy, but things were more complicated than ever.
Luke slept little that night. He tossed and turned and stayed awake more than he slept. He got up early and went to find Zeb. He thanked the man profusely for all his help, reimbursed him for the money he had used to buy food for Ivy, gave him the money they’d agreed upon, and added extra money for his faithful service. Zeb would head back toward the mountains, and Luke would take the carriage north-northeast to Salisbury.
When Luke went back inside, Leah and Ivy were up. They ate breakfast but said little. Ivy looked rested. She’d changed to a better dress, and Leah must have done her hair.
Luke looked at Leah. When she looked at him, he saw questions in her eyes, but he didn’t want to open Pandora’s box. The less said the better until he could be sure how she felt. He needed to pull back from Leah until he figured out how things really stood between them. He certainly didn’t want to go rushing into things with Leah the way he had with Ivy. He needed to wait and see what happened. Leah seemed to like Lawrence, Lawrence liked Ivy, and Ivy didn’t seem to like anyone very much, unless it was herself. As for Luke, he loved Leah, but that didn’t mean she loved him. When she had said she did, she could have just been caught up in the moment. Hadn’t she just repeated what he’d said each time?
Leah looked at Luke. What could be wrong now? She thought when Ivy refused his offer, they’d be able to start their own courtship and life together. Surely he didn’t still love Ivy? Her heart missed a beat. Perhaps he had been so hurt when Ivy ran away that he had turned to me in his pain. Now with Ivy back and needing someone, maybe he no longer wanted Leah. Ivy had rejected Luke again, but wasn’t it human nature to want what you can’t have?
Leah thought that maybe she should have played hard to get, but she hated playing games. That’s one reason she didn’t like plantation life. Society there had become a series of games played to a specific set of rules. Leah preferred plain truth and honesty.
They finished breakfast almost in silence. When they went to the carriage, Zeb had already left, and Luke got up front to drive.
“I’ll ride with you for a while,” Leah told him. “We can talk and you can show me some points of interest along the way.”
“No, you’ll be more comfortable inside, and I have some things I need to sort through in my mind.”
Leah crawled in the coach with Ivy. She tried not to be hurt by Luke’s words, but she was. He didn’t want to talk with her. He must be thinking about Ivy.
“Thank you for coming for me, Leah,” Ivy said. “I know I haven’t always treated you well, but I’d like for us to get closer. I’d like for us to act like the sisters we are.”
“I’d like that, too, Ivy.” But, not if you take Luke from me. Ivy wouldn’t really be taking Luke from her though, would she? Luke had been Ivy’s first.
The trip to Salisbury seemed to take forever. Leah couldn’t read in the bumpy carriage, so she watched the scenery move by. She longed for Luke to come back to her. This wall he’d built between them pressed in upon her and made it hard to breathe. She felt the sharp pain of rejection.
Ivy turned sick, and Leah banged on the carriage with her fist to get Luke to stop. As soon as he pulled the carriage over, Leah helped Ivy out, and her breakfast came up.
Luke jumped down and looked concerned. “Maybe you’d feel better if you rode up front with me,” Luke said to Ivy. “It may sway, but I don’t think the ride is quite as bumpy up there, and you’ll definitely get more fresh air.” Luke gently helped Ivy into the seat beside him. Leah quickly got back in the carriage. She already felt tears trickling from her eyes. Luke didn’t say a word to her. He got into the driver’s seat, beside Ivy, and they continued down the road.
Leah’s tears burst forth then. She sobbed until her breath would hardly come. No one would hear her in the noisy carriage. Yet, her frustrations and hurt didn’t leave her but seemed to grow stronger. She ached inside and out.
Luke had asked the innkeeper to pack them a dinner. They stopped to eat it beside a stream where Luke could water the horses. Leah wouldn’t look Luke in the eye, because she feared tears would come pouring down again.
Luke and Ivy sat in the grass and ate. Leah grabbed an apple and walked slowly about as she ate it. She wasn’t hungry anyway. Luke didn’t say anything to her, but she could see him talking with Ivy.
When they got back in the carriage, Ivy felt better and got inside the coach with Leah. She looked at Leah carefully.
“You don’t look like you feel well, either,” she said.
“I don’t feel my best.”
“Well, maybe when we get to Salisbury, you’ll feel better. Dr. Moretz will see to you.”
The morning had been long, but the afternoon stretched on forever. They finally made it to Salisbury about dusk, but, when Luke stopped the carriage, they weren’t at the Moretz house. They were at another inn.
“I’m going to check us in here for tonight,” he told them. “I think it’s better Frances doesn’t know you’re here. I’ll go talk with Father and be back. I’ll order your supper brought to your room.”
Supper looked good, but Leah had no appetite. Ivy ate most of hers. Afterwards, Leah took out her Bible and read.
She read in Psalms, where she’d always found the most comfort, but they helped little this time. She prayed and poured her heart out to God. Her silent tears flowed as she prayed, not only from the hurt and pain, but also from the emotion of feeling God’s presence envelope her. She would focus on God and His love and make that enough. “But, I’m going to need Your help,” she whispered. “I don’t have the strength to forget about Luke on my own.”
“Leah, what’s wrong?” Ivy asked when Leah raised her head. Her voice held real concern.
“It was just a moving prayer,” Leah told her.
“You’re close to God, aren’t you? I mean you have that personal relationship I’ve heard some preachers mention.”
“He’s my strength.”
“I want that in my life, too. I need some changes and direction. Do you think God can forgive what I’ve done?”
Nothing Ivy could have said would have shocked Leah more. “There’s nothing we can do that God won’t forgive. He has that much love and mercy.”
“What do I need to do?”
Leah turned to John 3:16, 14:6, and other verses, which explained salvation, and she helped Ivy with the prayer to ask Christ into her life. There were tears in Ivy’s eyes when Leah looked up, and Leah hugged her. At least one good thing had come from this mess.
Luke brought Dr. Moretz back with him. The older man hugged both the girls. “It’s so good to see you again,” he said, but he looked at Leah.
“Luke tells me one plan is for Ivy to have the baby in secret and give it up for adoption, maybe to Luke and Leah,” Dr. Moretz said after they sat down.
“Yes, that’s what I agreed to,” Ivy confirmed.
“I haven’t told you the specifics of this, Ivy,” Luke said, “but I plan to go see Lawrence. I want to ask if he’s willing to marry you before the baby is born. This might actually be the best answer of all, because you’d get to keep your baby, but I need your permission to tell Lawrence the full story. I know him very well, and I’m sure he will always keep your secret, no matter what he decides. I know he’s always cared deeply for you, and I think he should be given this option.” Luke said this to Ivy, but he kept glancing at Leah.
Ivy considered what Luke said for a minute. “Yes, but make Lawrence promise to never tell a soul before you say anything to him about me.”
“I shall.”
“What do you think about this second plan, Leah?” It was the first time Luke had spoken directly to her all day, and it surprised her. She thought for a minute, too.
“I think this might be the best for Ivy. Lawrence is a decent man, and he’ll be good to her. If he’s willing to claim Ivy’s baby as his own, he’ll be a good father, too. Ivy will be getting back to the lifestyle she prefers, and she’ll be close to Mama.”
“You have no reservations, then?” Luke asked.
“No,” Leah replied. “Any I’ve had in the past have just been wiped away. Ivy has just accepted Christ as her Savior, and I’m sure she will make a better wife.” Let Luke make of it what he would. If being unequally yoked with Ivy had been the biggest stumbling block to him marrying her, then Leah didn’t want to feel guilty for withholding the news. She wanted Luke, but not by deception.
“That’s wonderful!” Luke exclaimed.
“It’s good news, indeed,” Dr. Moretz agreed.
“Father has something he wants to show you,” Luke told them.
“When I met and married Frances, she lived with her mother in a small house here in Salisbury. Her mother has since died, and I’ve been renting the house. The tenant just vacated it, and I think it would be a good place for you to stay while you’re in town. I’ll hire a chaperone, who will also serve as housekeeper and maid, and a gardener, who’ll also drive you. I know just the closed-mouth people to ask. I think it’ll be better if Frances knows nothing about all this. I don’t want her to even know you are in town. She’s been wanting to visit her sister in Charlotte, so I think I might send her and the children on that visit. What do you ladies think about moving to the house?”
“It sounds like just the thing,” Ivy said.
“Yes, it’s a perfect solution,” Leah agreed.
“Let me show it to you, then.”
The house was made of tan stones with black shutters. It had a long kitchen area with a fireplace at one end and the dining table at the other. The sitting room seemed small but adequate. The upstairs held three tiny bedrooms, and there was even a cute little garden area enclosed in a fence out back.
“It’s lovely,” Leah said, and it was, but Leah suddenly longed for the mountain farm and Granny Em.
If Lawrence would marry Ivy quickly, Leah would enjoy her visit here. If the time stretched into months of waiting for Ivy to deliver the baby and waiting until the baby was old enough to travel, Leah wouldn’t like it. The mountain farm felt every bit as much like home as Gold Leaf ever had.
The two men took Ivy and Leah back to the inn and made plans for them to move into the little house as soon as Dr. Moretz could procure the staff. Dr. Moretz kissed Ivy and Leah on the cheek and said good night. Luke didn’t seem as withdrawn, but he still watched Leah with uncertainty.
Luke planned to leave for Anson County as soon as he could. He didn’t know how long he’d be gone, but he hoped he could talk with Lawrence, and they could both return quickly.
“Luke, if I’ve done something wrong, I wish you’d just tell me what it is,” Leah said at the breakfast table. She sounded a little like Granny Em coming directly to the point.
He sat up straighter. “You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m sorry if I gave you that impression.”
“You have been treating her rather coldly,” Ivy said. “I’ve noticed it, too.”
Luke felt the reprimand and it shamed him. “Go down the street with me for a short walk,” he told Leah.
“Gladly.”
“I’ll just go up and lie down,” Ivy said. “I only had toast and tea this morning, but my stomach still feels unsettled.”
“I’ll be up shortly to check on you,” Leah told her.
Luke tucked Leah’s hand into his arm as they began their walk, and he felt his blood rushing. Even his ears were pounding.
“I’m sorry,” he began. “I know I haven’t been myself lately. I guess I’ve been more tired than I’d realized, and trying to get everything worked out for Ivy has consumed me.”
“I can understand that, Luke, but before you would talk with me about your worries. I miss that. I miss the closeness we’ve shared.” She stopped talking, because the tears had begun to well up in her eyes.
“When did I become such a crybaby?” she shook her head, as tears silently ran down her cheeks. She seemed disgusted with herself, although she tried to smile.
“I’m sorry, Leah. I’ve been worried, not only because of Ivy’s situation, but because I’ve been so afraid things might not work out for us. I’ve feared losing you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. ”
“You do have that power over me, Luke. I’ve bared my heart to you and laid it at your feet. It’s exposed now and easily hurt.”
“Oh, Leah, I do love you.” In that moment, he had no doubts. “Please bear with me. With all that’s happened lately, I get confused. Sometimes I don’t know what to think. Please be patient with me.”
“As long as everything is right with us, I can bear anything. I can’t tolerate a wall between us or for you to pull away from me.” Now the tears flowed again.
“No, no, darling,” Luke took his thumb and rubbed her tears away. “I’ve been so stupid. I was afraid I’d get hurt, and I didn’t want to move too fast this time. I wanted you to be sure of your feelings, too. I see how wrong I’ve been. Please forgive me.”
“Of course, but we need to trust each other. You should know I would never hurt you.”
He knew she was right, but how could he be sure? He’d thought that of Ivy at first and look what happened.
“Thank you for the walk.” Her smile still seemed tentative, but he didn’t know what else to say and remain honest.
Luke rode toward Anson County on horseback. He felt sure he could make it to Lawrence’s today if he rode steadily, since he’d started early.
He thought about Leah. He’d been miserable, too, when he pushed her from him. He needed her love as much as he needed food and water.
He felt better about her now, but he still couldn’t entirely eradicate all the doubt. He knew Lawrence would make any woman a devoted husband. He could see Leah with someone like Lawrence better than he could Ivy. God help him, but he was still afraid of losing Leah.
Luke rode up to Lawrence’s exhausted. Darkness had already fallen.
“Is something wrong?” he asked Luke. “You looked worried.”
“There is a problem,” Luke told him, “but I’m tired and hungry. “If I can get some food and a bed, I’ll feel more like talking in the morning. It’s a long story.”
“Right away,” Lawrence said and led Luke toward the kitchen.
Luke slept better than he expected. He woke up and found breakfast on the sideboard in the dining room. He couldn’t tell if Lawrence had already eaten or not, but he helped himself and ate alone.
He finished eating and walked toward the stables when Lawrence came riding in. “Do you want to get your horse and join me?” he asked Luke.
“Sure, let’s ride down to the river.”
They rode at a good pace. Septembers were warm here, but not as hot as June had been. Luke tried to schedule his visits, so he never came in July or August. He didn’t know how these flatlanders stood such heat.
They came to the river, which ran low this time of year. It would swell in the spring. They dismounted and tied the horses.
“We should have brought our fishing poles,” Lawrence said, “but we’ll do that another day. How long can you stay?”
“Not long at all.” They strolled up to the bank of the river and sat on a log they sometimes used for fishing. Lawrence sat quietly to give Luke time to collect his thoughts and begin when he was ready. That was one of the things he liked about Lawrence. He had patience.
Luke waited for a moment, then took a deep breath. “How do you feel about Ivy?” he began. “Are you still in love with her?”
“You know I am. I would do anything I could for her. Rumor has it she ran off with you, and Leah went to help. All three of you did disappear at the same time.”
“There’s some truth in that,” Luke said, “but I’m interested in Leah.” That was true, and Luke wanted to ease Lawrence into this. He knew Lawrence would be hurt by Luke’s betrayal, so he would wait and tell him about it after he told everything else.
“First I need you to promise you will never tell another soul what I am about to share with you.”
“Okay, if you think that’s necessary, I promise.”
“Ivy didn’t like the mountains at all. I offered to bring her home, but she didn’t want that. She ended up running away with a preacher’s son. She thought she could trust him, but he used her and then abandoned her. She later found out she was with child.”
Lawrence turned as white as a sheet, and Luke thought he might pass out. Instead he got up, turned, and walked away. Luke understood he needed a moment alone and let him go. When Lawrence finally turned and came back toward Luke, Luke got up and met him.
“You said you would do anything for her, Lawrence. Will you marry her quickly and claim the baby as your own?”
Lawrence walked off again, but he didn’t go far this time. He stopped and stood for several minutes, then turned and walked the few steps back. “Is Ivy agreeable to this?”
“She is, and there’s another good piece of news. Ivy has just accepted Christ as her Savior. She’s just started her walk of faith, and she’ll need patience and guidance, but I think you’ll see a kinder, gentler Ivy. You’re the right man for her, Lawrence. You’re patient and steady.”
“I still don’t understand why she went off alone with a man. Didn’t she know what would happen?”
“I don’t think she did. She said she’d been naïve. She’s always been protected and pampered, and that’s what she expected.”
“Did this man force her?”
“No. He maneuvered her and overcame her emotions.”
“Does Ivy love him?”
“No. I think she may have been infatuated with him at first, but she definitely doesn’t love him now.”
“I want to talk with Ivy first, but I’ll consider marrying her.”
“Good enough. Can we leave tomorrow? The quicker we get this settled, the better for everyone.”
“Is she showing yet?”
“No, I can’t see any difference in her, so I’m certain no one will notice.”
“We’ll plan to leave tomorrow, then. Is she with your father?”
“She and Leah will probably be in a rental house of his. We didn’t want Frances to get wind of this.”
“Okay, then.” Lawrence started to walk off.
“There’s a couple more things.”
Lawrence turned around.
“I need to tell you I planned to marry Ivy when we left here. I knew she didn’t want to marry anyone else, and we both thought we were in love. I didn’t know you were the one her family had planned for her to marry until later.”
“What happened between you two?” Hurt flashed across Lawrence’s face.
“Reality set in. Ivy wasn’t who I thought she was, and she hated the farm and everything about the mountains. She even had problems with my Cherokee blood. We grew apart quickly. I’m sorry, Lawrence.”
“And now it’s you and Leah?”
“I sure hope so, but I need to ask you a favor. Talk to Leah and find out if she’s really in love with you. I’ve got to know how serious she is about you, and if she’d rather marry you or me.”
Lawrence looked at him as if Luke had suddenly grown horns. “Let me get this straight. You want me to marry Ivy but find out if Leah cares more about me than she does you?”
“That’s right.”
“Not for any reason. First of all, I can answer that right now. Leah respects me, but she does not love me and never has. You have no business marrying Leah if you don’t trust her, but I know Leah. She’s one of the most honest people I’ve ever known. I don’t know what you’re thinking, Luke. Maybe you aren’t. It’s just not like you to try to be underhanded. You’d better ponder this and decide what your feelings really are. If you feel you had to ask this of me, maybe you don’t really love Leah. Now let’s go to the house and make preparations to leave.”
That night Luke thought about what Lawrence had said, and he knew his friend made some valid points. Luke had absolutely no reason to think Leah shouldn’t be trusted. When he and she were talking, really talking together, he had no doubts. He believed what she told him. Perhaps what had happened between him and Ivy had affected him more than he’d realized.
He needed to trust Leah completely. They wouldn’t have a chance of building a strong marriage if he didn’t. He expected her to trust him, and she had more reason not to than he did. After all, he’d once been engaged to Ivy.
The one thing Lawrence had gotten totally wrong was Luke’s love for Leah. That Luke had never doubted. He’d only doubted Leah’s for him.
He remembered Shakespeare’s Othello, where tragic events were set in place, all because Othello didn’t fully trust Desdemona and because of his jealousy. All the while, Desdemona truly loved Othello. Luke vowed to not let his love for Leah end in tragedy from his own uncertainties, insecurities, and stupidity.