Chapter Twenty

The nightmare was different this time.

You killed my son! The woman outside the courtroom … her face contorted with anger and grief. It’s your fault!

Adam, his eyes questioning hers. His handsome face cold and distant. Why Jess? Why did you do it?

I didn’t know, Jess said in her dream. I didn’t know he’d put drugs on the plane.

How could you not know? It was your plane. Your responsibility. You had to know. It is your fault. And Adam turned away – a look of disgust on his face …

‘I didn’t know …’ Jess sat bolt upright in her bed, her breath coming in short ragged gasps.

The room was dark and she was alone. She glanced at the clock. Dawn was not all that far away.

Jess slipped out of bed and crossed to the window. Across the moonlit expanse of dried grass, the Coorah Creek hospital was clearly visible, a dark shape against the star-studded sky. There was a light in one window. Adam was awake too. Had he been awake all night, or did his own nightmares wake him in the early hours? Or was it loneliness that robbed him of his rest?

Had he been lonely that last night in Birdsville? Was that why he had taken her to share the sunset with him? When darkness fell, he had simply driven her back into town and returned to his shift at the medical centre. Without saying a single word. What was she supposed to read into that?

Of course, she’d been just as bad. She’d watched that sunset, so very aware of the man sitting next to her. And she had also said exactly nothing. They were two of a kind, she and Adam. Neither of them brave enough to take the first step towards … whatever it was they were both searching for.

Jess was so glad to be back in Coorah Creek, where troubling moments of intimacy could be avoided.

The light in the hospital window went out. In her mind, she pictured Adam going to bed. Tonight, instead of sharing a room with her, he’d be sleeping alone. Would he miss her as she had missed him? Missed the sound of his breathing. Missed knowing he was close. Missed the longing that she felt.

She thought for the thousandth time about the scars on his back. Everyone had their secrets. Adam had been an innocent victim. He had a secret – but he had no guilt. Her burden of guilt was almost overwhelming.

Feeling lonely now that the light was gone, and just a little claustrophobic, Jess left her bedroom and walked quietly through the house. Ellen and the kids were sleeping, and she didn’t want to wake them. She softly opened the front door and crossed the wide veranda to sit on the top of the steps leading to the front yard.

The night was still. Jess took a deep breath of the warm air. She could smell the dust. The trees. The fading heat from yesterday bringing the promise of another hot day tomorrow. She could taste and smell everything about the outback that had seemed so strange to her the day she arrived. Now these things, this place and most of all these people were so much a part of her life that she wondered how she would live without them. The thought she might have to do that was almost enough to break her heart.

But she might, because her past had found her.

She heard soft footsteps and a moment later Ellen sat down beside her. For a few minutes the two sat in silence.

‘I would have thought that after the weekend, you’d be exhausted and sleeping like a baby,’ Ellen said.

‘So did I,’ Jess said bitterly. ‘But I’ve got something on my mind, I guess. What about you?’

‘I must have something on my mind, too.’

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, listening to the sounds of the night.

‘Jack,’ Jess said. It wasn’t a question.

‘Adam,’ Ellen countered.

‘You first,’ Jess said. It hadn’t escaped her notice that Ellen and Jack were becoming … close. She was glad for her friends. And right now, a little happy ever after for Ellen might just cheer her up a bit.

‘Jack is … wonderful.’ Ellen’s words were almost a whisper. ‘He’s so good with the kids.’

‘Yes he is,’ Jess agreed.

‘Ever since Harry saw that tattoo on his arm, he’s become fascinated by the duck comics. Jack reads to him all the time. But it’s not just the stories … he talks to him. Teaches him.’

‘He’s a good role model for Harry.’

Beside her, Jess felt rather than heard Ellen catch her breath. There was a few seconds silence before Ellen continued, in a voice that quivered.

‘Harry hasn’t had much of a father figure. His own father …’ Ellen stopped speaking and Jess could feel her fear. We all have our demons, Jess thought. Every one of us.

‘My husband has a temper.’ Ellen’s words came out in a rush.

‘He hit you?’ Jess was horrified.

‘Yes.’ There was a whole world of pain and fear and guilt in just that one word.

‘Oh, Ellen.’

‘He seemed so wonderful when we met. I didn’t have much experience with men. I was still living at home with my parents. He seemed kind and loving. Our wedding was the happiest day of my life.’

‘What happened?’

‘Everything was fine at first. We were happy when I became pregnant with Harry. But after he was born, we started fighting. My husband said I was neglecting him because of the baby.’ Ellen’s voice broke. She paused for a few moments before continuing. ‘I tried to make it work. I really did. Everything seemed better for a while, then I fell pregnant with Bethany. He said he didn’t want another baby. That it was all my fault.’

‘It wasn’t your fault.’

‘I know. I think I knew then that I had made a terrible mistake in my marriage. But what could I do? He started going out drinking. Sometimes he’d come home drunk and angry. He never hit me when I was pregnant though. He pushed me, maybe, a couple of times. The hitting didn’t start until after Bethany was born.’

‘He had no right to hit you,’ Jess said quietly.

‘I know. But with the baby crying all the time. He wasn’t getting any sleep. And I was so busy with the kids …’

‘That doesn’t excuse him.’

‘When Harry saw his father hit me, he tried to step in. You should have seen him. So small and so brave. And I was terrified that he’d be next. So I had to leave. I waited until my husband was going to be away for a couple of days on business, then I took what we could carry and came as far away as I could get. I felt like a coward. Running away. But I couldn’t go to my parents. He would have followed me. I had to come somewhere he’d never find me.’

Jess reached out to squeeze her friend’s hand. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘At least I got them away.’

‘At some point, you might have to deal with him,’ Jess said hesitantly. She knew from bitter experience that avoiding an issue does not make it go away.

‘I know. But not right now. I needed … I needed to find me first. I needed to make sure the kids were safe. And I didn’t want Harry to grow up thinking it was all right to hit a woman. I’m just so glad he’s got Jack to show him how a real man behaves. He’s strong, but he’s gentle too. Bethany adores him.’

‘And what about you, Ellen?’

In the darkness, Jess heard the quietest sound; a sound that could almost be a sob. She squeezed Ellen’s hand tightly. ‘Ellen?’

‘He doesn’t want me.’

‘Why would you say that? You’re a warm and wonderful person. You are a good mother. If you’re worried that you are older than him, don’t be. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. You’re beautiful – and he thinks so too.’

‘Jack would never want someone who … who would let a man do what my husband did. I’m … I’m not good enough.’

‘Don’t you say that!’ Jess said with quiet vehemence. ‘What he did was despicable. It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.’

Ellen was silent.

‘And don’t sell Jack short,’ Jess added. ‘He’s not the kind of man who would judge you. He’s better than that.’

‘I know.’ Ellen’s voice was so quiet Jess could barely hear her. ‘And sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to … well … you know.’

Jess could almost feel the heat of Ellen’s blush.

‘Maybe he just needs a bit of encouragement.’

‘Oh, I couldn’t.’

‘Yes, you could. But don’t do anything you’re not ready for. He’s a pretty smart guy. He’ll wait for you.’

The two of them sat in silence for a while, then came the words Jess had been dreading.

‘So, what about you and Adam?’

What indeed? ‘It’s complicated.’

‘Isn’t everything?’

Ellen was right. Every person had their own issues. Things from the past that still haunted them. Scars inside … and out.

‘Adam is very driven. His work is so important to him. I sometimes don’t think he sees past that.’

‘He does, you know,’ Ellen said. ‘He sees you.’

‘He sees …’ Jessica’s voice faded.

‘It’s all right. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’

Ellen sounded like a cross between her mother and her best friend. Here, in the safety of the home she’d made, wrapped in the comforting darkness, Jessica found she did want to tell Ellen.

‘It’s a long story. I chose the wrong man too. Brian was – oh – he was everything. Handsome. A self-made millionaire. He hired me to fly his private jet and we fell in love. It was a dream for me. The gifts he gave me. The beautiful clothes. The five star hotels. We flew everywhere together – but mostly into Asia where he had business.’

‘What sort of business?’

‘I was a fool, and too blinded by Brian to ask. He said he was an importer. What I didn’t realise …’ Jess stopped. Once the words were out, there was no going back. ‘I didn’t realise that he was importing drugs.’

‘Oh!’

Jess felt Ellen stiffen beside her. She didn’t need the sharp intake of breath to tell her that her friend was shocked.

‘I didn’t know. Looking back there were signs that maybe should have told me something was wrong. Maybe I was too busy being in love. I just didn’t see what was happening.’ It was important that Ellen understand.

‘Of course you didn’t,’ the support was immediate. ‘How did you find out?’

‘I found the drugs on the plane. I went to the authorities. They made me … they made me pretend that everything was all right.’ A simple phrase that went no way to describing that last terrible day and night. Watching Brian, trying to smile at him. She’d pleaded a headache and slept in the spare room of their hotel suite. The mere thought of sleeping beside him on that last night … of him touching her … Even now she felt the nausea. ‘They set up a sting. When we flew back to Sydney, the federal police were waiting. They boarded the plane. Found the drugs and arrested Brian. I was arrested too. I spent a few days in custody, but they didn’t charge me. I gave evidence against him at the trial.’

‘That must have been hard.’

‘It was horrible. Sitting in that courtroom. With Brian so close. He’d look at me and smile. That same smile I fell in love with.’

‘You did the right thing.’

‘I know. And I knew it wouldn’t be easy. The newspaper headlines were so vile. They claimed I was just as guilty as Brian. That I had escaped prosecution by giving evidence. That just wasn’t true.’

‘Jess, you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of.’

Jess wanted to believe her, but deep down, that cold rock of guilt remained untouched.

‘My parents took me in. They were so supportive. Then the media found them. They were prisoners in their own home. That’s why I had to leave. I had to give them their lives back.’

Jess’s voice trailed off. Talking about the past was so very hard. Talking about the future was too. ‘If Adam knew …’

‘He would understand.’

‘But kids died taking the drugs I helped bring into the country,’ Jess cried. ‘Adam is a doctor. Look how he fights for his patients. He will never forgive that.’

‘Now, don’t you sell Adam short,’ Ellen said firmly. ‘He’s a pretty smart guy too. You are a good person, Jess Pearson. He knows that. And besides,’ Ellen said with a wide grin, ‘he obviously fancies you like crazy. I’ve seen the way he looks at you too, especially in those tight jeans. Adam is a man after all.’

Jess grinned back, but her heart wasn’t in it. She appreciated Ellen’s attempt to lighten her mood, but Ellen couldn’t know that she had unwittingly raised another obstacle.

How could any physical relationship exist with a man who did not like to be touched? By anyone. Now she knew about his past, she could understand Adam’s reasons for flinching away from her. There was so much more to Adam than his damaged body. She could see past that to the man he really was. She could accept the scars, perhaps more easily than Adam did. But that wasn’t enough. The flames that had burned his body had also left other scars. Jess knew those were the ones Adam would find hardest to overcome.

And she couldn’t talk to Ellen about this. It was not her secret to share.

She was excused any further need to explain by the sudden arrival of both the sunrise and Harry, at pretty much the same moment. Ellen went to put her son back to bed, but Jess knew there was no more sleep for her. She was too restless. There was only one thing to do – the thing that always helped.

Jess was inside her plane, cleaning the windscreen, when she saw movement outside. In her hangar. It was only just past eight o’clock – far too early for most people to be around. Maybe she was needed. Jess backed out of the cockpit and turned towards the stairs, only to be startled by flashes of blinding light and the click and whirr of a camera.

‘What the …?’

‘Hello, Jessica. John Hewitt. Remember me?’

It was the reporter from the races. He hadn’t given up.

‘Get off my plane.’

‘Now, Jessica. I don’t want this to be unfriendly.’

‘I said get off my plane.’

Holding a hand up as if to ward off her anger, the reporter backed down the stairs. But he didn’t go far. Jessica had no choice. She walked down the stairs to confront him.

‘I told you. I don’t want to talk to you.’

‘Have you told the doc yet?’ Hewitt asked, his voice eager.

‘This is none of your business. Just leave me alone.’ Jess bit back the word please. This man did not deserve the courtesy.

‘You haven’t, have you?’ The reporter’s glee was obvious. ‘I can’t wait to break the news to him.’

‘You wouldn’t …’ But even as she spoke, Jess knew that he would.

‘I’ll do you a deal, Jessica.’ The man’s voice was slimy. ‘If you give me an interview, I won’t talk to the doc. If not, I’ll just have to interview him.’

Jessica went cold all over. ‘You wouldn’t.’

‘Yes, I would. I’d have to. I need to interview someone for this story. If not you …’ Hewitt let the threat hang.

‘Just get out of my hangar.’ Jess’s hands were starting to shake. She didn’t know how much longer she was going to be able to control her anger … or her fear.

‘All right. I’ll tell you what. I’m staying at the pub. I’ll wait there until four o’clock – then I’m going looking for the doc. It’s your choice, Jess.’

Jess watched him walk away, realising that she had no choice. Whatever she did, Adam was going to find out about her past. And when he did …

A sudden pain wracked her as if someone had driven a spear through her heart. Her legs felt weak and she grabbed the wing of the plane to steady herself.

Adam.

The thought of losing him was more than she could bear. The thought of a life without seeing him. Without hearing him laugh. That wasn’t any sort of life at all. She didn’t care about the scars on his body. She didn’t care about the ghosts that so obviously haunted him.

The realisation hit her like a physical blow.

She was in love with Adam.

What she felt was so different to her time with Brian. That had been all about fancy hotels and fine living. They made such a beautiful couple. She might have thought she loved Brian – but she hadn’t. She had simply been dazzled by him.

Adam wasn’t dazzling. He wasn’t rich. He took her to outback pubs, not five star hotels. But he was ten times the man Brian could ever dream of being. He was caring and honest. He was gentle, but at the same time he was the strongest man she had ever known. When he looked at her with those deep brown eyes, it was as if the sun shone more brightly. He made her feel more alive than she had ever felt in her life.

And she loved him.

They had never kissed. Never made love. Never even touched. All that was still ahead of them, but Jess knew she needed him as much as she needed to breathe. She wanted him more than anything else on earth.

And she was about to lose him.

Adam would never forgive someone who harmed another human being. And if he heard that journalist’s version of events, that’s what he would think Jess had done. The journalist would paint Jess as some sort of criminal. As part of a drug ring, preying on the young and those who Adam would seek to help. That’s not who she was. Having the rest of the world believe that was hard enough. If Adam believed it, she would be destroyed.

If she had any hope that he would understand, he had to hear it from her. Adam would believe her if she told him the truth – the whole truth. He had to!

Quickly, she locked the plane and walked to her car. She had to go now, before her courage failed her. It took just a few minutes to drive to the hospital. Jess almost ran inside and headed for Adam’s office.

‘Adam …’ She pushed the door open.

‘He’s not here,’ said Sister Luke, who was sitting at the desk, patient files spread in front of her. ‘What is it, Jess?’

‘I need to talk to Adam. Right away,’ Jess said.

‘He and Jack are on their way to the national park,’ replied Sister Luke. ‘Someone is trapped underground, in one of the caves.’