Today the sky was grey. It rained for most of the morning and this afternoon while I was sitting with Eddie on the staircase, he suddenly went very quiet and seemed moody. I actually thought that he was preparing to tell me something really bad. But then, out of the blue, he turned towards me, lifted his hand and stroked my cheek with a tenderness that I’ve never previously known. And then, without warning, he kissed me softly on the lips. Not just once, but a dozen times. I can still feel a tingling upon my lips and I’m floating on a cloud of air. Even though he hasn’t said the words, I’m sure that he loves me and I know that I love him. Is it possible that we can love each other so very much, at our age?
I hope that Eddie asks me to marry him soon. I fear that I shall die with anticipation until he does. But Father will never agree and I know the anguish that will be caused when Eddie goes to him and asks for my hand. However, Father will have to allow us to marry, especially if he finds out that we have already kissed. What’s more, I’m sure that if the tower bells hadn’t rung, we’d have still been sitting on the stairs and Eddie would still have been kissing me and, if I’m honest, I really wouldn’t have minded.
Father has gone back to work in London. He will probably stay at the city house for the whole of February and wanted us to go with him but Mother had other plans, so Mary and I have been left behind to stay with her. We spend many hours just sitting in the parlour pretending to sew and do jigsaws or we escape to the kitchen and help cook with the chores. The kitchen has warmth that comes from the range and it’s a relief some days to help with the chopping of vegetables for dinner.
From the kitchen window, I can see Eddie doing his work in the garden. I’m sure that he knows we are there and chooses his workload accordingly so that he can wave to me when he passes the window and knows that cook isn’t looking. I’m sure that cook would prefer her kitchen to herself but the weather is so cold at the moment we have to find something to do, because Mother wouldn’t allow us to venture outside. Taking a walk would give her a panic attack. She is sure we’ll catch pneumonia or slip over in the frost and turn an ankle or two. Which means my time with Eddie is limited to our secret meetings on the staircase at a time when the rest of the house sleeps.
However, I can’t help but feel that I’ve done wrong, but last night it was so cold, we made our way into the secret room. We cuddled up on the bed under a blanket which I’ve stolen from my bedroom. I know this is wrong and I know that both Mother and Father would be furious if they found out, but I also know that Eddie loves me and I know in my heart that I am quite safe and he would not take advantage of the situation.
The war is upon us and food is now rationed. We are so lucky to have the vegetable gardens that Eddie tends so lovingly and, of course, we have our own chickens, pheasants and sheep on the land. Father has built pens in the woods where the animals are kept and hidden; these have been kept for our personal use, just in case the war effort demands that our animals are turned over, which Father really does believe will happen at some point. He also fears that they will take the house. Many houses have been commandeered already to use as nursing homes for the wounded or offices for the military. If that should happen we would all have to move back to London and my time with Eddie will end until the war is over. I’m terrified. How would I live a single day without him now?
The whole family have been invited to a masked Valentine ball at one of the houses in Scarborough, which would be quite a treat in wartime. It means that Father would come home for the night. I’m not sure where they will find all the food, but it’s been promised that it will be a grand affair, everyone will be there and our best dresses will be worn. Mary and I are lucky that we made new dresses just before the war, but I’ve heard that some of the other girls will make their new dresses from old material such as disused curtains and bedding.
Eddie has asked me not to go. I could see in his eyes that he’s scared. He’s frightened that I might meet someone else. Maybe one of the men that Mother wants me to marry, or someone from our own circle, but I’ve assured him that no man would ever compare to him. And it’s true, I would never look, but he’s frightfully upset at the thought of my going out dancing and having fun; yet I have to admit that the thought of a party fills my heart with joy and I can’t bear to miss out, especially after such a bleak, cold and harsh winter.
* * *
Madeleine turned over the page but the words had stopped abruptly. It looked as though halfway through writing, Emily had been disturbed because the next entry she’d written was in March and made no mention of the ball, making Madeleine wonder if she’d actually gone at all or whether her love for Eddie had made the decision for her and she’d stayed at home.
Disappointed, she closed the book and phoned Jess.