It is Christmas Day and the worst Christmas I have ever known. Yesterday morning Eddie’s mother was told that he is missing in action. Neither his commanding officer, nor his comrades know of his fate. All I can hope is that he is safe and well and that if he was killed in action, that his torment was over quickly.
I can’t bear to think that he has either died, or is out there alone, or even worse, that he’s a prisoner of war and that he’s being tortured daily to find out the secrets of our country that he wouldn’t know. It could even be that he ran away from the war. He’s not a violent man and I know that he would not have enjoyed killing other human beings, but if he ran in an attempt to get home to me and has been caught, will he be court martialled?
I pray that I’m not responsible for whatever has happened to my wonderful man. I honestly believe that my letters will have reached him by now and even though I can’t be sure, I will never forgive myself if the news of his unborn child was too much for him to bear and have nightmares that I may well have been in part responsible. Did he feel happy or sad to know that by the spring he’d be a father? Whatever went through his mind in those final days before he went missing, I only hope that my letters may have brought him some small comfort in the knowledge that he was very much loved.
I am now left with a huge dilemma. The life within me is so small and defenceless and only has me to protect it. Already I feel a sense of overwhelming love and devotion to it and promise that once my child is born I will show it a photograph of its father every day in the hope that one day my Eddie returns to us. If he doesn’t, I need to ensure that the child grows up knowing who their father was and that he would have loved them just as much as I will.
My dilemma is one of choice. Shall I run, take my baby and go? It’s an option that I have to consider, but I have no idea where I would go. Everyone I know is a friend of either my mother or my father, which means that turning to them is impossible and to leave with nothing would mean that I’m penniless and without a home. Father would abandon me, disown me and expect everyone else to disown me too.
I could go abroad. But both America and Europe are out of the question. The war is too dangerous and America is too far. I have to be sure that if Eddie does come home, I will be here with his child to greet him, which means that my options are limited.
* * *
Madeleine looked up at Bandit who still lay beside her. ‘That’s awful, she had nightmares too, just like you do.’ She grabbed for a tissue, wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
Bandit held Madeleine close and dropped a kiss lightly on her forehead, just as the bedroom door burst open and both Poppy and Jess burst in. ‘Mummy—’
Jess stopped in her tracks. ‘Oh my goodness, Maddie. Err, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,’ she shouted as she immediately closed her eyes, grabbed Poppy and pulled her back out of the room, slamming the door behind her. ‘We’ll just go get a cup of tea. Come on, Poppy, let’s go see Nomsa, I smell cake.’
Madeleine could hear the panic in her sister’s voice and held her hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing out loud.
‘But I wanna see Mr Bang’it man.’
Jess coughed. ‘Poppy, you have no idea how much of Mr Bang’it man you almost got to see.’ Jess’s voice echoed through the corridor and Madeleine could hear Poppy protesting loudly as she was being dragged towards the stairs.
Madeleine looked at Bandit and finally burst out laughing.
‘I’d better go,’ he whispered as he dropped a kiss on her lips, pulled back the sheets and began searching for his jeans.
‘No you don’t,’ she said as she dragged him back beneath the sheets. ‘You don’t think they’ll come back any time soon, do you?’ She shook her head. ‘Besides, they’ve seen us now. Secret’s out, I’m afraid. Come back to bed.’
‘Really, you’re quite the temptress, Mrs Frost. Now, do tell, what do you want me to come back to bed for?’
‘Well, actually, I thought we could read some more of Emily’s diary.’ A saucy giggle left her lips as she picked up the book and dropped it in his lap.