I open my eyes and look around. It takes me a minute to realize where I am. I guess I must have fallen asleep on the floor after a while of crying while curled up in a ball.
Ugh. I look at the clock, it's five in the morning and I have a feeling there's no point in going back to sleep.
I sit up and look around for my phone. I see it on the floor, smashed into pieces. I pick up the biggest three, which includes most of the screen, and toss them into the trash. Dex is going to be upset that I broke the new phone he gave me.
The only thing that makes me feel better about the phone is that I can't reread the texts that Logan sent me. I still can't believe it... it feels like a bad dream that I'm never going to wake up from.
I do the only thing I can think of. I put on my bathing suit, wrap a towel around myself and head downstairs. I know the water is going to be brutally cold and I don't care.
When my toes touch the water, I want to cry out. It's colder than the water in a swimming pool should ever be. I put my arms on the side of the pool and take a deep breath. I push my feet against the wall and dive under the water as I force myself to start swimming. With any luck, it’ll help me clear my head and I’ll actually be able to focus today. As much as I would love to just stay in bed all day, I know that we have a movie to shoot and Dex is counting on me.
I finish three laps before I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’ve lost the will to move my arms and legs.
I get out of the pool, dry myself off and sit down in one of the chairs and bury my face in my hands as I start to cry. I can’t help it. It still feels surreal that Logan just broke up with me. I can’t believe I’m never going to see him again. I get that it’s partly my fault… I did go out for coffee with Spencer, but I wish that Logan would at least let me explain myself.
“What’s wrong?”
I turn to Dex, who is standing just a few feet away from me. He has a towel wrapped around his waist and he looks like he’s ready to go for a swim. When Dex sees the look on my face, he sits down on the chair next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. Normally I would be embarrassed about him seeing me in my swimsuit, but I’m so out of sorts that I don’t even care.
The look on his face says everything. I can tell that he’s actually concerned about me… maybe more so than my mom has ever been. It’s a weird feeling, but I’m glad.
“What is it?” he says, asking again.
I shake my head. I already know how much pressure he’s under with his movie and there’s no way I can tell him about my problems. Not to mention he’s been so nice and taken a huge risk by casting me.
“Just tell me… you’re the star of my film and I’ve gotta make sure my star is happy.”
I look into his eyes and he smiles at me. I use the back of my hand to wipe the last tears as they fall on my cheek and I take a deep breath.
“My boyfriend… he… broke up with me.”
Hearing the words trickle out of my mouth makes me want to cry again, but I force myself to breathe and stay calm.
“I’m sorry to hear that… his name was Logan, right?”
I nod. I’m kind of surprised actually that Dex remembers considering how much he’s got on his plate.
“Well… do you think it would help if you took a couple of days off from the movie and go back to Salem?”
I wrinkle my forehead. I’m not sure what he means… I know that we are already way behind on the film and there’s no way we can afford to stop for me to go back to Salem. Not to mention, I’m not getting paid until we finish the movie and I don’t have the money to get back there.
“No….”
“Is it about the money?”
“What do you mean?”
“Would you go back if you had the money?” he says.
I look into his eyes and I can tell that he’s not going to be upset or judge me if I tell him the truth. I can’t do it though, I have to lie to him.
“No… I don’t want to ever go back there.”
I feel my heart breaking. I know that if I could just see Logan I would be able to explain it all to him and make him understand, he would have to understand, and then he would take me back.
Dex looks at me for a long moment and then just nods. I have a feeling that he can see right through me and I really do want to tell him the truth… I just can’t do it. I can’t leave now, not after everything that he’s done for me.
“If you change your mind, let me know and I’ll charter the plane for you.”
“Thanks, but I don’t need to ever talk to him again.”
Dex nods and stands up. He walks toward the edge of the pool, stops and turns around. He looks at me and I can tell he knows that I want to go back to Salem. He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again. Dex lets the towel wrapped around his waist fall to the ground and he dives into the pool.
Once he starts to swim, I start to cry again. I hate myself for what I just did. Dex didn’t deserve that. Not after he’s been so amazingly kind to me.
I stand up and head back inside so that I don’t have to talk to Dex. I need to be alone for a few minutes while I think about it all. I wish I would have told him, I really do, but now I can’t. I just have to try to push Logan out of my mind and focus on the movie… nothing else makes sense right now.
I close my bedroom door and sit down on my bed. I take out my backup phone and turn it on. The keys feel cheap and it makes me miss my new phone already. I know that I have to tell Dex I broke it, it’s the only way he has to get a hold of me.
Tears start to form in my eyes, but I push them away and try to calm myself down. Get a hold of yourself, Amy.
I really just feel like I can’t take it anymore—it seems like every single time things start to look up, something awful happens that brings my world crashing down. I hope that things will start to get better.
After my shower, I throw on some jeans and a T-shirt. I head downstairs to the kitchen. Dex is already down here and dressed.
“Hey,” he says, “you feel any better?”
He smiles at me as he takes another sip of his coffee before setting his mug down.
I shrug. I feel awful, but I can't bring myself to say anything to him. I need to focus on making it through the day.
“o you want to take today off”?
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
I nod and look away from Dex. I know if he looks into my eyes, he will be able to tell exactly what’s going on with me and what I’m thinking about.
“I guess let’s get going. We have some big scenes to shoot today.”
I follow Dex out of the kitchen, to the garage and we get into his car. I let my thoughts wander as he pulls out of the garage and starts driving to the set. Today is going to be rough… I have no idea how I’m going to even deliver my lines and do a good job. I don’t have a choice, though, I can’t let Dex down.
“I didn’t tell your mom, by the way.”
I turn to Dex, a little surprised by what he’s just said, but he’s focused on driving.
“No?”
“No… I was talking to her and it just didn’t seem like the right moment. She was going on and on about how one of her friends had talked about her behind her back to another friend. She was already in such a bad mood that I didn’t want to bring it up.”
I get it, but I’m worried that she’s going to find out and then she’s really going to be upset. Hopefully Dex will tell her tonight when we get home. I feel like the longer we don’t tell her the worse it’s going to be.
“That makes sense,” I say.
I can see Dex nodding out of the corner of my eye and I have a feeling he’s thinking the same thing I am.
Dex pulls the car into his spot at the lot and we get out of the car. He looks at me and opens his mouth, but closes it again and turns away as she shoves his keys into his pocket. I head toward my trailer, I don’t have the time to stop and think about what he could have possibly been about to say.
My clothes for the day, jeans and T-shirt and my black flats, are already sitting in my trailer and I get changed quickly. I leave and head over to hair and makeup, since I’m already running a few minutes late. Leslie is waiting for me when I walk in.
“Hey, Hun, how are you?” she says.
I force myself to smile and sit down in her chair.
“I’m fine.”
I’m a little worried. It seems like the longer I’m in L.A., the easier it becomes to lie to people. That’s not the person I want to be, but I feel like right now there’s really no alternative.
Leslie sprays my hair with a bottle of water and then blows it dry. She styles my hair to look like it did last time and she takes a step back to make sure it looks right.
“Are you sure?” she says.
I should tell her the truth… there’s no reason why I shouldn’t. I open my mouth, but a knock on the door interrupts me before I say anything.
“Come in!” Leslie says.
The door swings open and a guy comes in. He’s young, maybe nineteen or twenty, and walks over to me.
“Amy?”
“Yes?”
He extends a script to me and turns to leave once I take it from him. I look down at the script and realize that it’s for today… and it’s pretty thick. I sigh and start to flip through the first few pages. I wish I could have had this earlier, it would have given me something to do when I couldn’t sleep.
“Hun, do you mind setting that down for just a second? I can get your makeup done in like two minutes and then you’re free.”
I nod as I read one last line of the script and toss it on the table next to me. Today is going to be rough.
“Were you about to say something before that guy came with your script?”
“Yeah,” I say, realizing that Leslie is a good person to talk to about this. “My boyfriend… he broke up with me last night.”
“Oh, Hun, that’s awful! How could Spencer do that to you?”
I shake my head and hold back a laugh.
“No, not Spencer.”
I look up at Leslie and she has a confused look on her face. I forgot that she saw the entertainment program and even though I told her I wasn’t dating him, she apparently didn’t believe me.
“I thought….”
“No, I was dating this guy back in Salem. I met him and then I had to come here… it’s a long story, but basically he broke up with me because he saw that story about Spencer and me. He didn’t believe me when I told him nothing was going on between us.”
Leslie shakes her head, sits down on the chair next to me and puts her hand on my knee. Her touch makes me feel safe.
“Well, I’m not an expert on keeping men, but I can tell you this much… if he’s not smart enough to trust you and believe you when you tell him something, then he’s not worth your time.”
She squeezes my knee and smiles at me. I force myself to smile back, even though right now I would much rather cry.
“I’m serious. There’s so many guys out there… you can’t worry about what one guy thinks or says.”
I wish I could believe what she’s saying, but Logan wasn’t just some guy. He helped me through so much with Mitch and with my dad dying. No matter what the rest of my life holds, Logan will always hold a special place in my heart and I’ll never forget him.
A tear starts to form in my eye and I quickly wipe it away with my finger and take a deep breath.
I’ve gotta get myself together. I don’t have time for this today.