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I remember arguing with a boy-child. He didn’t understand, he didn’t get it, and it made me angry. I pushed him and he fell over and cried. I remember an adult coming over and yelling at me. I didn’t know why though. Why did I have to get in trouble while he got a hug?
—Nyssa’s Journal
Everyone settled down in their seats when I came in. The room was quiet with an undertone of expectation, all aimed at me, and I didn’t know what to think about that. Maura went back to her chair and got comfortable. I paused in front of mine, looking at everyone.
All of them thought I was the best person for this job. I didn’t have that same belief nor did I understand where theirs came from. My gaze locked onto Landus’ and something in my expression gave me away. His small smile melted into a frown, and I snapped my gaze away from his.
He agreed with them. He had to understand, right? That if I were to do this, then he and I couldn’t be if it were to work. And yet he still agreed with them. That hurt and I fought to ignore the questions that came to mind. I failed as I wondered whether I wasn’t clear enough with him on how I felt. Maybe I was supposed to do some grand gesture like getting down on one knee.
“Nyssa?” Landus whispered, reaching out for me.
I shook my head and pulled out the chair, moving it far enough away to put a noticeable distance between us. My heart twisted, ready to snap at a moment’s notice. Without my permission, I was prepared to shatter. I tried to tell myself that after this, after we killed Baron, I could fix this. I could go back to Landus again. A small part of me said it wouldn’t work. They’d blind-sided me, and Landus was on board with this. If it were for the good of the city, he’d agree with them, even if I didn’t care.
Maura nodded at Leon who smiled like he just ate a canary. He straightened in his seat and waited as everyone quieted down.
“We have discussed something over the break. As it is now, we can’t work with each other. We need a leader.”
“Oh and I’m guessing you’re volunteering yourself?” Landus asked. I glanced at him and frowned.
Why was he asking that? He already knew it was me.
Leon smiled. “Of course not. If I lead, then you won’t be willing to help. Same thing the other way. But we came up with a solution. Not everyone here is part of a group.”
All eyes turned to me and I stared really hard at the stupid abundance of silverware sitting in front of me and the plate of half eaten food. Slowly, the pieces clicked into place. Slowly, the puzzle formed an entire image.
Landus did not know about this. Which meant, he never agreed to it.
But I had thinking he did.
“Nyssa will lead us. She is neutral. She doesn’t favor one group over the other and her neutrality will keep us from bickering and actually get work done. We will be able to hunt down Baron without needless deaths.”
“But she’s with Landus,” Aaron said.
At this point, I could feel Landus next to me, stiff. Completely still. If only I could read his thoughts. Better yet, no. I really didn’t want to know what was running through his mind right now. I barely understood what was running through mine. Anger flushed through me as the full implication of what just happened settled in and made its home.
I could feel Slade’s eyes on me too, peppering me with silent questions.
Fear clawed deep within, a new kind that I never felt before, that I didn’t have a name for. It squeezed my heart and made my stomach feel bottomless all at the same time. It was crippling.
I opened my mouth to say something, anything, and Leon waved his hand through the air as if wiping the problem away and effectively keeping me silent. “We all know Landus doesn’t date. He fucks. And we’ve heard the rumors about Nyssa. Neither of them does relationships. They just fuck.”
Each word was a slap in the face because even though what he said wasn’t necessarily a lie, they still hurt. Each word was a stab to my heart. My little beast whimpered with pain.
“They will end things, no hard feelings,” Maura said, and I flinched inwardly.
All eyes turned to me.
“Is this how you feel?” Landus asked. I could feel the coldness in his voice. He was closing himself off from me. I could feel the strain on the weak bond that I’d manage to create with him. “Do you really agree with this?”
No. I don’t. Not at all.
I swallowed, hoping to end the drought that formed in my mouth. The words were there. Right there, but for the life of me, my stupid tongue chose that moment to stop fucking working.
“Nyssa?” he asked, the anger unmistakable.
No. I don’t want to end things. I don’t want to die.
“Baron needs to die,” Maura said and I flinched.
Cecil’s body flashed through my mind. I’d been so vocal lately about doing anything to make sure she survived. Baron had the answers and I needed to get my hands on him to get them.
“I want Baron,” I whispered.
No. Not the right words. That wasn’t what I meant. Was it? Yes, I did want him. But at what cost?
The room was quiet, my words a whisper. I finally called myself a complete coward, to toughen the fuck up. I looked up at Landus and my heart shattered because I looked into the face of a man whose life was just taken from him. I watched as the light disappeared, as his expression morphed into something I’d never seen before, not even when I first saw him standing naked outside his shower.
He changed from a man full of warmth into the powerhouse that the city knew as the Prime. It was the expression enemies saw before he tore them apart with his bare hands.
I opened my mouth to say something. What? Before I could form another word, Maura clapped her hands, drawing everyone’s attention to her and away from Landus’ expression.
“Excellent,” she said too cheerfully. “I say we call it a night and meet up again tomorrow. Same place, same time to discuss everything further and come up with ideas.”
Everyone nodded in agreement and were quick to leave.
Landus stood up, not looking at me.
“Landus.” I grabbed onto his arm in hopes that he’d let me talk to him. He needed to know how fucked up and wrong this was, that this was never what I intended. It was a misunderstanding.
He yanked out of my grip.
His expression was dead cold when he looked at me. “You know, when you said you didn’t care about any of us, I thought you were just talking out of your ass. But now I see that what you said is true. I don’t play games, Nyssa, and I’m done playing yours. Don’t talk to me. Don’t call me. I want nothing to do with you. You can use my men. Slade will represent us.”
He walked away, leaving me to gape at him. Slade came up, standing where Landus had been, watching Landus stalk away before turning to me with a whole load of questions.
“Were you guys really only just messing with each other? Fucking around?”
All I could do was stare after Landus. My heart was too busy being destroyed. Those few words yanked out my heart and threw it into the garbage disposal like trash.
I want nothing to do with you.
I did this to us. I just killed myself just so I could kill Baron. I knew I toed the line, but I had never been this suicidal before. And to make it worse, it was never my intention. I thought he had told them he was on board. They lied, tricked me, and I had been the gullible idiot to believe them.
He didn’t even know.
Never again. Never fucking again.
“Nyssa?” Slade asked.
I finally looked at him, acknowledging that he said something. “I really don’t know what is going on right now,” I said truthfully.
He nodded and then followed his Alpha out the door.
What the fuck did I do? And how?
