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I remember pain. So much of it, all over my body. I had found a cold stream and waded into it, hoping to numb my body. I remember crying as I washed the blood from my body and wounds, wondering why. Why did this happen to me?
—Nyssa’s Journal
I recognized Cecil’s bedroom. My nose tickled from the smell of healing herbs. They weren’t the best scents to wake up to.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” Maura said as she walked into the room. She hovered over me and I let her do her thing as she took my vitals and marked things off on a notepad. She made positive sounds as she hummed and mumbled to herself, nodding every now and again. That had to be a good sign.
“I get to live another day,” I said, when she finally finished.
“Not that funny,” she said and sighed. She went over and closed the door before pulling up a chair and sitting down.
“Nyssa, you were as good as dead. My team was barely able to heal you and since we couldn’t use magic on you, we had to be extra careful.” She reached my hand to do the whole grandmotherly support. I pulled it away and rested it in my lap, not wanting her touching me. She froze for a moment before sighing. There was no way I’d fall for her fake act ever again. “We saw some concerning damage to your body and don’t know what to make of it.”
“Probably from the fight.”
She shook her head. “They were not consistent with those type of wounds. When we were trying to, uh, close you up, your body fought it. We weren’t using magic either. Your body was reluctant, like it preferred to fall apart instead.”
For a moment, I worried she’d hear or feel the change in my heart rate. Then I remembered she was a witch. Her senses weren’t heightened. I could lie my way through this and she’d be none the wiser.
“What is going on?” she asked.
“It’s hard to say without research,” I answered slowly. “I’ve never shifted before, and we know nothing about how a phoenix life works, at least nothing outside of the books that you found, and those only talked about adults and what were witnessed that they were able to do.”
She frowned. “You think you’re going into your next phase, transitioning into what amounts to an adult?”
“Maybe,” I said. “I don’t know. I obviously look like an adult now, but how does it work for a phoenix? What are their phases of life?”
“I haven’t been able to find any information on this.”
“And I don’t have anyone I can go to for this either.”
She looked thoughtful before standing up. “I am not sure. I will have to look more into this. For now, rest up. You were out for two days. Once we got the wound closed, you slept a little and your healing kicked in. But any movements will risk opening it back up.”
“How long am I stuck like this?”
“Only for a few more hours. By sunrise, you’ll be able to move around, albeit slowly. It is healing now.”
“Okay, good. What did I miss while I was out?”
“Cecil has an idea she’s not sharing with us. I know her though, after she researches it all and understands everything, she will fill us in. I’m not worried. Having the artifact has been a huge achievement for us, but I imagine Baron is furious. According to Lady Monraya, he needs it for the curse to work. There is no getting around it.”
“So he’ll do an attack on us,” I mused.
She nodded. “Cecil is looking for a way to track him. Each community is closely watching their young ones. We won’t let him win.” Maura stood up and sent me a gentle smile. “I’ll go let the others know that you’re alive and awake. They’ve been haunting the house waiting.”
“I wasn’t out that long.”
“You need to learn that when people care, that means they will worry when you are hurt.”
“Who’s here?” I asked, a little curious.
“Cecil, of course. I think you gave her a taste of how you felt when she was hurt.” She smirked. “Slade has become a guard too. He growls at anyone who stops by.”
“That’s it?” I asked.
She nodded.
I swallowed the little stab of pain. Landus didn’t come by. He probably didn’t even care.
“Okay. Well, let the herd in,” I said with a shaky smile.
She chuckled.
As soon as the door closed, the smile slipped from my face, and I took a moment to feel all my aches. My stomach felt sore rather than painful. I should have been in agony when it had happened. I tried to wrack my brain to when it occurred, for how long I fought with my stomach nearly gutted. But I drew a blank.
I remember fighting, never stopping. Being hit and banged up, but not gutted. That disturbed me. The adrenaline rush did well in keeping the pain back, but not to that extent.
“How are you doing?” Cecil asked as she breezed into my room. Her expression was twisted with worry as she ran her hand through my hair. Slade hovered behind her with a closed off expression.
“I’m fine.”
“You were gutted. Or at least nearly,” Cecil said.
“I’m still fine. Maura even said I’ll be able to move around come morning.”
Cecil’s shoulders slumped as she sat on the bed and grabbed my hand, refusing to let me pull away from her.
Cecil glanced back at Slade and then to me. “Can I talk to you in private? I was doing some research and found some interesting things.”
She was doing that eyes widening, we need to speak thing, trying to not look rude that she wanted to kick Slade out of the room.
“Oh. Is this about me being a phoenix?” I whispered.
“Sh!” She waved her hands around. “Did you hit your head or something? You know shifters have good hearing.”
“I already know,” he finally said.
Her eyes moved between the two of us. “Oh. Okay.”
“I’m fine with him around while you talk about it. I doubt he’s going to try to sell me on the black market.”
“Okay, good. I think it’s good to have more people in your court. There aren’t any other known phoenix and I found some crazy black magic that your existence will make possible to cast. The curse Baron is trying to do is similar. That’s why he needed your blood.”
“Well, outside of the two of you and Maura, I have no intention of telling anyone else.”
“Not Landus?” Cecil asked.
I narrowed my eyes to let her know it wasn’t up for discussion. “No. He doesn’t need to know.”
Cecil pressed her lips together in disagreement and glanced at Slade.
“He isn’t going to talk me into it, so don’t bother. Now, this research. Tell me all about it.”
“I was trying to find more information about the phoenix, so we can prepare for any changes that you go through. I found some interesting information and thought I’d tell you.” She smirked.
Warily, I asked, “What?”
“I think you need to find your mate.”
I nearly choked on air. “What?”
“A phoenix’s mate provides stability for them. If you find them before you come into your full power, then they help speed up the process. Your mate will be able keep you calm. Phoenix are known to run hot, and I meant that temperamentally. They can mellow you.”
“So, a mate is like a beast tamer?” I asked.
“Sure. Anyways, we need to find you your mate. Most phoenix find them by the time they reach adulthood. I guess they have a ceremony they do to help phoenix find their mates if they don’t by the time they’re fully grown.” Her eyes skimmed me over. “And you’re definitely already an adult. Finding your mate will ease you through your first shift.” She paused.
“What?” I asked not in the mood for her being dramatic.
“The book is in our vault, buried with older books. I had to dig deep to find it and almost overlooked it too since it was so small. I’ll need to sneak it out through wards—the witches have strict rules about removing books down there—but I think for you, it’s too important that you read it.”
“Give me cliff notes at least.”
“Without a mate, the first shift is painful.”
“I’m fine with pain.”
“Aren’t you curious about them?” she asked.
“Maura found information on mates,” I admitted slowly.
“And?”
I huffed. “Finding a mate is a death sentence.” I did my best to mask my feelings and thoughts from Slade and Cecil. The two of them were intuitive and it wouldn’t take them much to make the connections I didn’t want made the most.
“You need to expand,” Cecil said. “Anything dealing with any emotions is a death sentence to you. You enjoy running far away from any type of deep emotion.”
“The journal Maura had found and translated was about a phoenix a man had met. He was dying because of the death of his mate. If I find a mate, then if something happens, if they die or leave me or anything, it’ll kill me.”
“Nyssa, you remember the time I told you you need to put yourself out there. That not everything is going to have a bad ending? This is exactly what I meant. You’re using a ‘What if’ as an excuse not to do something. That isn’t right. You can’t end something before it even begins.”
“I’d have to be crazy to willingly put myself into a vulnerable position like that.”
“Seriously? Why are you so against love?” Her anger spiked. I tried to take it seriously, I really did, but Cecil angry was adorable. And I desperately wanted to get her away from this topic. It was too much and no one needed to know that I was broken now before I even had a chance.
I quirked my lip up into a half smile.
She pointed at me, her expression hardening. “No. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to play this off, turning it into a joke. I’m serious. A phoenix without finding their mate goes crazy. They’re too powerful and need the help that they can get from a lover. A mate is balance and stability. I know you, Nyssa. You’re not stable right now and you don’t handle change well. A mate can help you through it.”
“Fine!” I snapped and narrowed my eyes. “Let’s run off to the store right fucking now and find one, since it’s so easy.” Even though it was that easy for me. “Let’s just kidnap some poor soul off the streets and tell him he needs to play babysitter for the rest of his life.”
“You know it isn’t like that,” Cecil said.
“You make it sound like it. You say I need to find my mate, but how? Who?”
“What about Landus?” she asked, looking vulnerable.
“What about him?”
“You like him.”
“Liked. What we had was fun, but the moment you guys wanted the council, I had to end it.” There was no hiding the bitterness in my voice. “Impartiality, remember? There is no Landus and I. He wants nothing to do with me.”
“That’s not true.”
“True enough, and I said it already, so do not make me fucking repeat myself. It’s not happening.”
“Cecil,” Slade spoke up. “Back off. You know now isn’t the time.”
She turned on him. “But it is! You noticed it too. The claws, her energy levels, her ability to create wind. She’s getting stronger. Eventually, she will shift. She needs someone there to ground her.” She blinked furiously. “I will not lose her because she refused to open her damn heart.” The panic slipped into her voice as she went off on Slade.
“Maybe so, but you’re asking her to put herself into a vulnerable position. I get where she’s coming from. Love can be debilitating and from the sound of it, if things go to shit, it isn’t a simple heartbreak she’ll be facing. She won’t be able to lock herself in her room, binge watching a show while drowning herself with ice cream. She doesn’t get to get over it by crying it out. She’ll die.”
Cecil’s eyes went back and forth between Slade and me. She let out a witchy growl, because there was definitely nothing predatory about her, got to her feet, and stomped out of the room.
“Thank you,” I said.
“I still think you’re an idiot, but I understand where your fear comes from. Is it true?” he asked. “If you met your mate, bonded with him, and then something happened to him, would he die?”
“That’s what the translation hinted at,” I said.
“Any chance it’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.” Especially when I could feel my death creeping up on me.
He nodded. “After Baron is dead, we’ll focus on this. Cecil is right. You’ll need any help you can get. I think it’s important to be ready for anything, especially when it comes to your mate. You wouldn’t want to bond to them before you even knew what was going on.”
My throat closed at his words. It was already way too late but I couldn’t tell him that.
Slade tried to smile, it coming off as forceful. “Get some rest. Once night falls, everyone is meeting and we’re going to come up with a plan of attack. Cecil has a few ideas. We need to end this.”
He disappeared out the door and left me to my own loud thoughts. Something was happening to me and it left me fumbling about like an idiot.
