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I remember the first time I was hurt. The first time the Woodlands taught me a lesson that nothing was to be trusted. I remember thinking that I no longer had anyone to kiss the pain away or to sing me a song to distract me. I was truly alone, with only myself. I had to lick my own wounds.
—Nyssa’s Journal
Three days. That was how long I lasted. After leaving my apartment, I went deep into the Woodlands, refusing to look back at the city. I knew six years ago I didn’t belong there. I should have left soon after Cecil nursed me to health. My own curiosity kept me there, and that eventually turned into me not wanting to hurt Cecil by leaving.
After day one, my phoenix came out with a vengeance, and I remained like that even now as I curled inside a cave. The rocks didn’t catch on fire. My presence turned the cave into a sauna as steam rose from the hot rocks all around.
It felt nice as pain wracked through my body, causing me to go into convulsions. Everything about me hurt and my body could barely keep up with healing. There was a corner full of the innards I had expelled in coughing fits.
My body was falling apart.
I bellowed as the energy inside of me burned a path through my veins and whimpered as it seized my lungs, making it impossible to breathe.
I was dying. This was it for me.
Breathe.
You’re okay.
I’m dying.
Breathe.
You’re okay.
Nothing is okay about this.
Breathe.
You’re okay.
It hurts. All of it hurts.
Breathe.
It’ll all be over soon.
Yesss...
I screeched, my phoenix letting it be known that she was mourning. Anything in a ten-mile proximity would hear her if they had stuck around after she laid waste to a meadow. After flying for a day, the exhaustion was too much and I had taken a nosedive out of the sky and into a clearing. The meadow quickly caught on fire. Everything did until I found the cave. That was the only thing protecting the Woodlands from me.
My mind went back to the journal entry Maura had found. That man was fucking lucky that phoenix hadn’t burned him. Maybe he was still early in. Or maybe he had better control over his phoenix. I had days to get used to the creature. That phoenix had centuries under his belt.
A wail of misery escaped me and my wings tried to flap, but I was too tired. No part of my body wanted to work. I needed sleep.
Breathe.
Everything will be okay.
~*~
“Nyssa!” someone yelled.
Go away.
I curled into a ball as the pain shot through my entire body, dimly aware I was in my human form again. When did I change forms? I reached out for my phoenix. She was still in there, just as exhausted as I was.
The ground was freezing cold now, and felt amazing against my burning skin. I snuggled into the rock, hoping to steal its coldness.
I coughed and ended up wiping blood from my mouth. Shit. Not even a month.
“Nyssa! I know you’re out here.” The voice was so familiar. So deep and dark and filled with promises of a future I wanted but could no longer have.
Moving was impossible, no matter how hard I tried. My entire body decided to turn into one giant spasm instead and I screamed. Well if he couldn’t hear me before, he could hear me now.
I needed this to end, to just be over with. Everything would be so much easier if it was just over. Peace. A faraway dream at this point, but something I desperately needed. I passed out into the blackness that I was begging to just take me away.
~*~
“Nyssa.” A soft whisper. “Come on, baby. Open your eyes for me.”
“No,” I moaned. Maybe. Or it came out really garbled with all the blood in my mouth.
Drowning. I was going to drown in my own blood. That sent me into a panic I couldn’t even relay through my body. Fear spiked through my system. Someone swore and hands went to my mouth as I was moved.
I coughed. Over and over again, I coughed, it taking my whole body to expel all the blood that had collected in my mouth, throat, and lungs. It had flooded all of me.
Warmth wrapped itself around me. So good. So nice. I furrowed deeper into that warmth.
“How do we fix this?” Landus growled.
No. Don’t growl. It’s okay. I’m okay.
“I don’t know,” a female said.
The warmth around me tightened and I nodded back off.
“...lose you! I will not! Open your fuc...”
“...dying. Don’t let her! She’s...”
“...of course it’s all my fault. I know her! I should’ve noticed...”
Cold. So cold.
“...if this doesn’t work...”
“...will work...”
Babe. It’s time to open your eyes.
Landus’ voice was peace. It was warmth and everything good in the world. I was wrapped up in it. If this was what death was going to be like, I wanted it stay.
No.
Yes. Stop being stubborn and open your eyes.
Too tired.
No, you’re not. You’re just being lazy.
Why are you here?
Where else would I be?
With that woman?
A light chuckle. No. I was never with her.
I saw you both.
I know. I wanted you to.
You wanted me to?
Yeah... I wanted to make you hurt for hurting me.
I was always hurting.
I know that now.
No. Let me talk for a moment.
Silence. It felt like I had a chance to say what I’d always been wanting to say since I fucked everything up. I let it all loose now, needing him to understand before I died. If this was how the truth was going to come out, how I got my chance to fix it, then I was fucking taking it.
They stonewalled me and I didn’t know what to do. They twisted words, told me you didn’t care. That you wanted me to do it. They filled my head with lies and I believed them. I fucking believed them and I wanted to. I wanted us to work together. I wanted so desperately to get him and what they said made sense. They just didn’t give me any time. And then I saw your expression and knew I had been played. They played me.
I know.
They had said you agreed, that I couldn’t be with you and you were alright with that. I wanted him dead so bad that I agreed. And then you looked like that and I died inside. I couldn’t function right anymore after I saw you look like that. I died.
You’re not dead.
I’m dead. I’m very dead.
I’m holding you right now and you’re fucking warm. You’re not dead.
Is that so? Because I feel so cold. I don’t hurt anymore. I had hurt so bad, but I don’t hurt anymore.
Then wake up so I can prove you wrong. Come back to me.
I can’t.
You can. It’s going to be hard, but you can. Please. Don’t leave me. Not again.
I’m dead.
Nyssa!
“...no response...”
“NYSSA!”
I blinked up at the large man. He was the Alpha of all alphas. I think they called him the Prime. He was still young, and yet so old. He was the Prime. A Prime could live for a very long time. I had a lot of growing up to do.
“Is this her?”
“Yes, sir. She’s the only one left.”
“The rest are dead?” he asked.
The other man nodded. “I’m sorry, Landus.” The man gripped the Prime’s shoulder and squeezed. The Prime nodded, grief all around him.
He bent over and gave me the saddest smile I’d ever seen. I wrapped my small arms around him, needing to comfort him. It was my job to do that.
“Don’t cry,” I whispered into his ear, still such a child. “Don’t cry because I’m here and I’m going to keep you happy.”
“What’s your name, child?”
“Nyssa.”
“Nyssa? That’s a beautiful name.”
I smiled up at the handsome man. “Of course. I was created just for you after all. I was reborn to be by your side.”
He didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t know how to respond. I could see the confusion on his face. Finally, he swallowed. “Well, Nyssa, my name is Landus. I came to get you out of here.”
“Do I get to come back with you?” I asked.
He shook his head. “No. There’s a more suitable place for you.”
“But I’m your mate,” I said simply.
He just laughed, unable to take me seriously. He was so broken. So unsure of himself. And that made me unsure of myself.
I was his mate, right?
I pulled away and nodded. I needed to grow up fast. I needed to help him. “It’s okay. I’ll be back when the time is right.” I choked on the tears and nodded to myself again. Yes. I’ll become strong. I needed to become his strength when he needed it.
“You’re not broken anymore,” I whispered, my throat like parchment.
Cold hands gripped mine. “Nyssa.” The word came out choked.
“Landus?” I smiled and tried to open my eyes. It didn’t work. I could barely move.
“Nyssa.” Kisses rained down on my face.
I tried to laugh but nothing came out. Instead I fell back into the darkness, still unable to climb back out.
“She’s weird! She isn’t right!” One of the kids yelled out.
“She smells!” Another laughed.
“I’m not weird, I’m Nyssa! I’m perfect,” I screamed, trying to defend myself against the other kids. I needed to be strong. I needed to hold out until I was strong enough. Why? Why did I need to be strong?
Him. That man. Yes, Landus. I needed to be strong for Landus. I needed to hurry and grow up so I could be his strength.
“She isn’t one of us.”
The adults looked at all of us and then turned to whisper to each other.
The other kids’ senses weren’t fully developed yet, but mine was. I could hear them loud and clear.
“She isn’t a shifter,” the older lady said.
“Or a witch,” the youngest lady said.
The third lady glanced at me and I glared back. I was me. I was Nyssa. There wasn’t anything wrong with me. She flinched. “We can’t take her in. She doesn’t belong here. Look at all the children. They are either afraid of her or don’t like her. She won’t fit in.”
“Then what do we tell him? The Prime won’t be happy. She’s the last one.”
“I know someone. She can take her in. We can tell him she ran away or something. He’s distracted anyways hunting down the remaining hunters.”
I stepped forward. “It’s fine. I can go to your friend. I’m better off there than here where no one will care for me.”
All three of the adults blinked at me, surprised by my reaction. I was old too. I was smart too. I just needed to hurry and grow bigger. Then I could go to Landus. I needed to be strong just for him. No one else. He was all that mattered.
“Landus,” I whispered and managed to grip onto a hand.
“I’m here, baby,” he whispered back and I sighed with content, still unable to properly wake up. Something was changing inside of me though. I felt it, the shifting inside. I was changing.
I ran through the forest. There had to be a way out. An end. What was I searching for? What did I need to do? I needed something. What?
A snap behind me. I whirled and faced the man. He lifted the gun and took aim.
No! I made a screeching noise and charged at him.
I’m strong. I will win. I have to. Why?
Me. For me! I needed to win, to survive for me. I’ve done it this long. I refuse to die now. I lived on my own for a very long time. Maybe too long. I can do it again.
That isn’t right.
What isn’t? I need to live. That’s all that matter.
Why do I need to live? Why? Who? Where?
...Landus...
No. Me. For me.
