I reach out and touch you, but you push me away.
I stand my ground; I'm here to stay.
— “Poetry,” Tate Gardener
“It’s been a few weeks since our last session. How have you been?” asked Dr Kaur.
I sat on the sofa opposite her, Moxie already half asleep on my lap. There was so much to unpack and I didn’t know what to say. I tapped my finger against Moxie’s back. She wriggled, glared at me, then relocated to sit beside me instead.
“That good, huh?” said Dr Kaur.
“I mean, it’s not all bad. It’s just confusing. There’s a lot going on, you know?”
She nodded, writing something in her notebook. “How has that affected your relationship with food?”
I wrinkled my nose. “I’m still eating, if that’s what you’re wondering. I don’t always want to. But I try to always have something in my bag so that I can eat little and often. I’m finding that easier than big meals. I used to love going out to eat, but I find it really hard now. The portions are so big, but if I order a kiddie meal and it gets back to the press…” I shook my head. If the press found out I was eating children’s portions, they’d think something was wrong with me again. Which would just make me panic more. I wasn’t sure which servers I could trust and which would leak things to the press.
“Have you been avoiding eating out?”
I nodded.
“What about just going for a coffee? You like coffee, right?”
“Yeah.” And it’d been far too long since I’d had a good one. Maybe it was time.
*
In need of moral support for my return to coffee shops, I decided to call on two people who would understand: Camilla and Tanya. They hadn’t met before, but I knew they’d get on well because they shared similar easygoing attitudes and both loved fashion.
We met at a coffee shop near the studio where Camilla and I had filmed our show. To my disappointment, I didn’t recognize any of the staff anymore.
It was January, and it was freezing out, so I left Moxie at home in the warm and sat inside. The coffee shop itself was pretty dark, with lots of browns and greens offset by ambient lighting. I had a bodyguard from an agency sitting at the table next to us, just in case. Camilla’s bodyguard sat with him, and the two of them shared a conversation while monitoring for threats.
“Thanks for coming,” I said.
“Of course,” said Tanya with a smile.
Camilla nodded. “It’s what we’re here for.”
“So, are you going to tell us how things went with Jack the other night?” Tanya smirked.
“Wait. What’s this about Jack? What did I miss?” said Camilla.
“She didn’t tell you?”
Camilla glared at me. “No!”
“There’s nothing to tell, really,” I said.
Camilla frowned. “I find that hard to believe. You two have a lot of history.”
“Like, the first volume of ‘The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire’ history,” said Tanya.
“You’re such a nerd,” I said with a laugh.
Tanya grinned. “And damn proud of it. Now, back to the discussion at hand: Jack.”
I sighed. “It’s all so complicated. It was good to see him again. But at the same time, there’s this voice in my head…”
“If that voice says you’re not good enough for him I’m going to slap you into next week,” said Tanya.
“No, it’s not that,” I said. “Did I ever tell you what happened, right before he called the ambulance on me?”
Camilla shook her head.
Tanya pursed her lips. “Maybe. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember much of what we talked about in rehab. I was too exhausted from talking about my own shit.”
I reached out and touched her hand. “Don’t worry about it.”
A server walked past us to get to the stock room, which was just behind our table, so we waited for a moment before continuing. It was a pretty quiet coffee shop, but we didn’t want to risk anyone overhearing our conversation because they were too close. Once they were out of the stockroom, I carried on.
“He thought we were toxic and that his life was better without me. I never got to respond because…well, you know what happened next.”
“That bastard!” said Tanya.
Camilla ground her teeth together.
“Cami?”
She clenched and unclenched her fists. “Look, I like Jack, you know I do. But if he’s said that, then come back into your life, you need to talk to him about it. You’ll carry it around with you otherwise. You want to get everything out in the open before anything even has the possibility of happening between you two, because otherwise, it’ll cast a shadow over whatever you do next. If it’s out in the open, even if it’s uncomfortable, at least you’ll know where you stand.”
Tanya nodded. “I hate to agree that you need to be so upfront with him, but I don’t see any way around it. Not when he’s said something like that to you. How can you move forward with that over your head?”