CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

In Kaitlyn’s dream she was climbing a tree. As she struggled higher, the tree began to sway. There was nothing to do but continue until she reached an escalator. The escalator led to a shopping mall, where she found Stella getting her hair done. She went in and sat on the chair next to her. The chair was very hard against her back. Something had gone wrong. Stella’s hair was falling out. Clumps of it lay on the green tile floor. Stella glared at her. “Look at this! It’s your fault. From now on you’ll have to share your hair with me.”

Kaitlyn tried to rise but something bright and hot was pushing against her face. She opened her eyes. It was the sun. She squinted and sat up. Her neck hurt and it was hard to focus her eyes. She’d been sleeping. She saw the trees and the mountain, the blue sky. Then she remembered why she’d been leaning back against a rock. The sun had moved. She had been in the shade and now it was full upon her.

Where was Julia? Springing up, she felt a wave of lightheadedness. “Julia!” she yelled as her vision darkened and her stomach lurched. She was going to throw up. She leaned forward, hands on her knees. How could she have done this? The nausea passed. She straightened and looked around.

“Julia!” She waited, breathing rapidly. “Julia!” How long had she been asleep? Why didn’t Julia wake her up? The little monster. “Julia! Come back here immediately!”

Oh God, oh God. Don’t let anything happen to her.

She continued calling out as she dashed this way then that, darting into the forest, trying to scan through the trees. What have I done? Her legs quaking, she walked out on the big flat rock and approached the cliff. “Julia!” Dropping to her hands and knees, she crawled to the edge. If she saw her little body down there, she would get a running start and throw herself out too. How could she live with herself?

She inched forward until she saw the sheer drop to rocks and trees. “Julia!” Nothing but an echo, a return of her voice—absolute and terrifying. “Julia!” She stayed there listening and scanning for several more minutes, her heart throbbing against the inside of her chest. She could see no sign of the child down there. But that didn’t mean she hadn’t fallen. There were so many places for a tiny body to be hidden from view.

She rose to her feet and sobbed. Maybe she should just jump and get this horrible life over with. It was just like with her father, rushing back into the burning house. She was worthless. She could just close her eyes and let gravity pull her down. She would never have to face the mirror, or Stella, or Zoë, or Jack, or memories of her father. It wasn’t the first time she’d thought of ending her life. Did she have the courage? It would be over in a moment.

Then a thought intruded. What if Julia had gotten lost in the woods and needed help? Or what if she was hiding nearby, laughing as Kaitlyn called her name? Or what if she had just grown bored and decided to go back home? She retreated from the edge, stood there swaying and wiping her face. The sun was still above the mountain but slipping behind a band of clouds. A cool wind stirred over her. She faced the forest.

“Julia! If you’re hiding, please come out.”

But Julia didn’t have neither the patience nor the meanness it would take for such a cruel joke. She ran toward the forest but stopped at the edge. It was too big. She could end up getting lost too. No—the best thing now would be to see if Julia had gone home. And if she hadn’t, she could ask Uncle Tony to help search the woods. Would Zoë or anyone else ever forgive her?

She took off running, hating herself as her legs churned and her chest heaved.