Vivienne was staring at her reflection in amazement, turning her head this way and that, spinning in the chair and holding up a hand mirror to get a good look at the back of her new hair. She’d never imagined that changing its colour could bring about such a startling transformation. It even seemed to be giving new light to her eyes and skin for they no longer appeared as dull as they had a few days ago. She realized the recent change in her medication was probably more responsible for that, since it had begun to improve both her energy and her spirits, but nevertheless …
She ruffled her silvery-blonde waves with her fingers, and watched the way they tumbled back into place, messier, but still lovely. Her hair had grown these past two months, and her mother had only tidied up the ends rather than take anything from the length. It had been the right decision; the style and colour flattered her so well that she could only wonder why she hadn’t braved it before.
As she broke into a smile her audience started to breathe – and laugh. In the salon with her was her mother; Michelle; Jade, the senior stylist; Holly, one of the juniors, and two regular clients who’d paused midway through having their hair washed and blow-dried.
Vivienne met her mother’s eyes in the mirror and seeing how much pleasure it was giving her to feel she’d done something right for once, she got up to hug her.
She wasn’t going to allow the negative, destructive part of herself to remind her of how shallow this was – a new hairdo doesn’t change anything; you’re still going to die, so why don’t you find something less selfish, more worthy to do with the time you have left? That part of her had nothing of value to contribute today, when what she should really have been feeling was buoyed by the triumph of making it here this morning after spending four days in bed recovering from the strain of the hospital visit. She’d even managed to sit through the entire process of having her look changed without feeling the need to lie down. She wasn’t even tired now, or breathless, or fogged by the side effects of a drug that had thankfully been removed from her daily cocktail. Instead, she was feeling something close to normal, she decided. OK, her heart might be failing, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t make the most of whatever life she had left should a donor not come along.
They all turned as the door opened and Mark, fresh from the surf in a black wet-suit and red crocs, stomped in, tearing out his earbuds as he ended a call. Seeing Vivi, his eyes widened as he treated her to a long, appreciative whistle. He even seemed about to sweep her up for a raucous swing-round, before remembering that might not be such a good idea. ‘You look smokin’,’ he told her, making everyone laugh. ‘In fact, you look …’ He stepped aside, eyed up his mother, then Vivi again and said, ‘Yep, you definitely look like twins.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Gina chided, as Vivi said, ‘Spare me, I’m half her age.’
‘You’re well past that,’ Gina retorted, eyes shining with laughter.
‘OK, but really,’ Vivi protested. ‘Although I do look a lot more like you now. Just not forty-six.’
‘Gina doesn’t look that old either,’ Michelle put in. ‘In fact, you’re such a hot pair of babes I think we should do something to celebrate.’
Holly, the junior, gamely called out, ‘Shall I go and get some champagne?’
‘My treat,’ Vivi declared, reaching for her purse.
‘Tea will be fine,’ Gina cut in firmly, a reminder to them all that alcohol was out of the question for Vivi.
Vivi’s cheeks flamed as she glared at her mother. ‘Even if I can’t have it that doesn’t mean no one else can,’ she said tightly.
‘But you’re the star of the show,’ Gina pointed out, ‘so there wouldn’t be much …’ She broke off as a yowl of pain suddenly erupted from a cubicle at the back of the salon.
‘What the f …?’ Mark muttered, giving Vivi’s shoulder a comforting squeeze.
The others were already laughing as Maisie Redmond shouted out, ‘Sorry about that. I’m having a Hollywood, Mark, that’s what the f …’
He turned to his mother. ‘A Hollywood?’ he echoed, mystified.
Gina pointed south.
‘Totally bald,’ Michelle added for the sheer pleasure of it.
His eyes dilated as the image of stout little Maisie Redmond with a totally bald … He backed away. ‘OK, too much information,’ he protested, and planting a swift kiss on his mother’s cheek, and another on Vivi’s new hair, he told them he’d see them at home later and beat a hasty retreat.
Deciding for everyone’s sake, including her own, that it would spoil the day if she stayed angry with her mother, Vivi accepted Holly’s offer of tea and followed Michelle into the area of squishy sofas that filled up one of the salon’s deep-bayed front windows. The other bay was a haven for exotic silk palms, a large Tibetan Buddha, an ornate Balinese birdcage and various other Oriental-style objets that Gina had collected from fairs and antique shops over the years.
Vivienne had always loved it here, especially as a child when she used to play at being a hairdresser, or manicurist, sometimes even a masseuse (that was usually for NanaBella). It hadn’t really changed much since that time, there was still soothing mood music playing on the salon’s sound system, while aromatic candles burned in colourful glass dishes and crystalline water flowed through table-top fountains. The place was as elegant and stylish – and mysterious, in Vivi’s view – as Gina herself, and had become, over the years, the most popular hairdresser’s in town. Some appointments were made months in advance, with most insisting on Gina; however, Jade’s reputation was growing, and Yvonne, the beautician (and Michelle’s mother) who’d worked with Gina for the past ten years, had built up an impressive client list of her own.
‘So what are you girls doing for the rest of the day?’ Gina asked, as she began clearing the island where she’d worked her magic on Vivi’s hair.
Michelle turned to Vivi. ‘We were thinking about doing some shopping?’ she said, making it a question. ‘Are you still up for it?’
‘Definitely,’ Vivi replied, amazed and thrilled that she still had the energy to look forward to it. ‘Some new clothes to go with my new look? It has to be done.’
Gina glowed as she said, ‘Next thing we know you’ll be going out dancing.’
‘Don’t rule it out,’ Vivi warned, though they both knew that dancing was in the same category as champagne. Anything that stimulated her heart rate to that extent had to be off the agenda, at least for the foreseeable future. ‘You can even come with us if you fancy it,’ she offered.
Gina twinkled and turned round as a curtain at the back of the room swished open and Yvonne emerged, drying her hands on a towel. ‘Great idea,’ she declared happily. ‘Count me in for a good bop.’ She broke into a smile as her eyes found Vivi. ‘Oh, wow! Will you look at yourself?’ she murmured admiringly. ‘You’re an angel, as pretty as a picture.’
‘Don’t leave before I come out,’ Maisie Redmond called from the hidden depths of the cubicle. ‘I want to see it.’
Yvonne came to tilt Vivi’s face, keen for a better look. She was a tall, forthright woman, as dark-haired and olive-skinned as Michelle was fair and freckled, and managing to look even better at fifty, according to her wily husband, than she had at twenty. ‘Of course he didn’t know me when I was twenty,’ she’d add whenever he said that, ‘so it’s no compliment at all.’
‘It’s not just the hair,’ she decided, taking in Vivi’s eyes and skin. ‘The lights are coming back on,’ she pronounced.
Smiling, Vivi said, ‘They changed my medication,’ and a quick glance at her mother gave her a small rush of pleasure, for Gina was looking as though someone might have improved her medication too.
‘So where shall we go for a rave-up?’ Yvonne demanded, as though it might really be an option.
‘What about a tea dance at the town hall?’ Michelle joked.
‘You can mock,’ Maisie Redmond chided as she emerged freshly waxed and fully clothed – and ever so slightly flushed. ‘It’s a good place to meet an Internet date,’ she informed them knowingly. ‘It’s safe and fun, and it gets you off to a very good start, provided he can dance, of course. Having said that, it’s the ones with the smooth moves you’ve got to watch. You can tell some of them are rehearsing for moves of another kind, if you get my meaning. Cheeky devils, they can be. Oh, Vivi, you’re so gorgeous I could eat you all up, and your brother’s right, you do look more like your mother now. So how are you feeling? Am I allowed to ask?’
Having known Maisie for as long as she could remember, Vivienne found it easy to say, ‘I’m trying to forget about it, Maisie, but this is definitely a good day.’ Her smile widened. ‘So you’re still doing the Internet dating?’
‘Oh, I love it, so I do. You meet so many interesting characters, and best of all you don’t have to go home with them if you don’t want to. I only wish I’d got rid of that waste of space I was married to twenty years ago. The fun I could have had! Still, there’s nothing stopping me now. Here we go, Vonny,’ she said, handing over her payment and loyalty card. ‘Book me in again for next week.’
‘Blimey, how fast do your pubes grow?’ Michelle choked on a laugh.
Maisie’s eyes glittered mischievously. ‘There are things about me,’ she said darkly, ‘that defy a lot of science … but that isn’t one of them.’
Laughing, Yvonne said, ‘I’ve got you down for an eyebrow thread and colour. Is that right?’
‘That’s right. Make me look nice and surprised, I find the fellas like that. Makes them feel … Well, we won’t get into that. Oh, there’s Gerald come to pick me up,’ she said, as someone blasted on a car horn outside. ‘My son likes to make himself heard, in case you didn’t notice. OK, see you next week, Vonny. You, lovely girls,’ she added to Vivi and Michelle, ‘go and have yourselves some fun while you still can. You’re a long time dead, I always tell myself.’ It wasn’t until the words were out that she realized what she’d said, and her horror was so great that Vivienne immediately got up to hug her.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ she whispered, as Maisie started to gulp an apology. ‘It really doesn’t, and what’s more I think I’ll take your advice.’
Turning to Gina, Maisie said, ‘I’m so sorry. I … There’s a mouth on me and it runs away … I didn’t mean anything …’
‘We know you didn’t,’ Gina assured her. ‘Now, I think Gerald’s getting a little impatient out there.’
‘I shall box his ears, so I will. And my own. Definitely my own. What am I like? Oh dear, oh fuck. Seventy years old and I’m still putting my foot in it …’
She continued muttering to herself as she closed the door behind her, leaving Gina to throw out her hands as Vivienne said, ‘Is she really seventy?’
Yvonne nodded.
‘And getting a Hollywood?’
Yvonne grinned.
‘I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it,’ Vivienne insisted, ‘I’m just … Actually, I’m probably about to put my foot in it too, so where were we before all this began?’
‘About to go dancing,’ Yvonne reminded them, ‘but more seriously, we need to do something to show you off, so how about we all go out for dinner tonight?’
Gina said, ‘Gil’s coming.’
Vivienne frowned. Was that an excuse not to go?
‘That’s perfect,’ Yvonne announced. ‘With Mark at home as well we can make it a big family outing – at the Crustacean if we can get in. I’ll ring them now, if we’re all up for it?’
‘Some of us have children,’ Michelle reminded her.
‘And you have babysitters right next door in Sam’s parents. I’ll call them myself, and if they can have the children are we all up for the Crustacean? We know the men will be, because they’re always up for anything to do with food.’
Before her mother could respond, Vivienne said, ‘I’m definitely up for it, and I’m sure Gil will be too.’
Yvonne declared, ‘That’s great! So you girls go and buy yourselves something new for the occasion and I’ll make all the arrangements.’
As Vivienne led the way to the door she was about to reach for the handle when a sharp, powerful thud suddenly struck her like a knife in her back. For one bewildering moment she thought her mother or Michelle had hit her, then realizing what had happened she clasped a hand to her chest.
‘Are you OK?’ Michelle asked worriedly.
Gina turned round.
‘I’m fine,’ Vivienne insisted.
Paling, Gina said, ‘Yvonne, call an ambulance. Her device has gone off.’
‘No! Don’t,’ Vivi protested. ‘I’m OK.’
‘Did it go off?’ Gina pressed, coming to her.
‘Yes, but they told us …’
‘To call an ambulance …’
‘To assess the situation,’ Vivi growled angrily, ‘and … I’m OK. I’m still on my feet, I haven’t passed out and …’ she paused, ‘everything’s fine.’
Gina’s face was ashen. ‘Sit down for a moment,’ she instructed shakily. ‘Give yourself a few minutes, then you need to contact the clinic to let them know …’
‘I will,’ Vivienne interrupted. ‘Just don’t fuss.’ When she was back on the sofa she said to Yvonne, ‘Please … book the dinner.’
‘Vivi,’ her mother said gravely.
Vivi couldn’t look at her. She wanted to shout and rage and blame her for the fact that out of nowhere, provoked by nothing at all, her heart had just tried to stop beating. It’s your fault, she wanted to yell. You keep stressing me out. But she knew that was as untrue as it was unfair, so she said nothing, just sat quietly, clenching her hands and feeling the terror of knowing she might have died just now were it not for the device.
‘Did it hurt much?’ Mark asked her later in the day.
It had hurt like bloody hell, Vivi didn’t say, but only for a moment, and thankfully it hadn’t knocked her out, or off her feet. Sighing, she put her head back and closed her eyes. They were in her sitting room, where her grandparents’ old table and chairs had returned to replace the bed that had been moved upstairs. It was definitely a design clash, but the bed had made her feel like an invalid, as if she couldn’t be allowed to go very far from it, or make it up the stairs when, provided she took it slowly, she could.
‘If you still feel like it,’ Mark said, ‘I think we should go out tonight.’
Vivi’s eyes remained closed. She wouldn’t tell him how she really felt, she didn’t want to get into it with him, or even with herself; she just wanted to feel thankful that the implanted defibrillator had shocked her heart back into action, preventing her from dying right then. Presumably it was now performing some of the less violent tasks it was programmed to do, such as storing information of pulse rate, blood flow … She couldn’t feel anything, no buzzing or burning, just the horrible dread of being struck right through the heart by another brutal electric shock. Trey, at the clinic, had taken a reading from the device as soon as she’d got home and connected to the bedside monitor. To her relief he hadn’t told her to come in. He’d simply asked how she was feeling now, had instructed her to visit her GP in the morning for a new prescription and take things easy for the next couple of days.
As if she ever did anything else.
Realizing Mark was waiting for an answer, she said, ‘Everyone would feel they couldn’t have any wine because I can’t, and what fun would that be?’
‘They’re grown-ups,’ he retorted. ‘They can make up their own minds – unless you want them to feel bad, of course.’
She eyed him balefully.
‘Well, do you?’ he prompted, apparently wanting an answer. He was sitting on the floor, his elbows resting on his knees, his handsome, tanned face showing more interest than judgement.
‘No, of course not,’ she said. ‘I just want them … I want me to stop being like this. I thought the new medication was making a difference … It is to the way I feel in myself, but then the damned device went off, and now they’re bloody well changing things again …’ The frustration, the helplessness, was so intense she might have screamed if she’d had the energy. She widened her eyes and stared at him challengingly, as if he could somehow make a difference.
He looked back and, seeing how worried he was, she said, ‘Sorry, self-pity’s not good, is it? I really can’t stand it, but getting rid of it …’ She brightened her smile. ‘The blonde thing’s working, though. I’m quite liking it.’
Going with the change of subject, he said, ‘She did a great job. It was good that you let her. I think it meant something.’
Knowing that it had, she felt a surge of guilt and affection for her mother as she said, ‘I wish I could stop being horrible to her. It just seems to happen before I even know it’s going to.’
His eyes went down for a moment, giving her the impression that he had something to say, and when he looked at her again she realized she was going to hear it. ‘I know I’m probably not meant to say this,’ he began, ‘but it really upsets her when you’re … Well, you know, kind of off with her. Not that she ever says anything to me, but she does to Dad. That’s why he keeps coming here to make sure you’re all right – I mean both of you.’
Feeling shamed, like a bully who’d been called out, she closed her eyes again. She had to try harder, somehow stop the resentment that kept surfacing in such awful ways: ways that didn’t always need words because her mother sensed it anyway, and was as hurt by it as if Vivienne had slapped her, or worse.
She could hear the murmur of Gina’s voice now, as she and Gil talked in the kitchen. She wondered what they were saying, and decided it was probably best she didn’t know. After a while she asked Mark, ‘Is it true your dad’s met someone?’
He nodded slowly, not looking at her.
Sensing he was no happier about it than she was, she said, ‘Have you met her?’
‘No, but her name’s Emily. I’m not sure how serious it is.’
‘I don’t suppose coming here so often is helping things much.’
‘Probably not.’
‘Do you want them to get back together? I mean Mum and Gil.’
‘Of course, if it’s what they want.’
‘I think it is.’
He nodded in agreement.
‘Maybe I should make it a dying wish,’ she suggested.
As his face became pinched she realized she’d gone too far. He looked so lost and afraid – maybe as afraid as she was, if the truth were told. ‘I’m sorry,’ she murmured.
‘No, don’t be. I’m your brother, you can say anything. I just … I just wish it wasn’t happening.’
‘I know,’ she responded softly.
‘They’ll probably find you a heart,’ he said after a while.
She nodded, in spite of knowing how unlikely it was. The doctors might not have actually said that the wait could be as long as three years, two more than they’d given her, but she knew because she’d been reading all about it online. However, she wasn’t going to get into statistics and chances with Mark, it would only make him feel worse than he already did, so switching the subject back to their mother and Gil, she said, ‘If we could find out why they broke up, then maybe we’d stand a chance of getting them back together.’
Taking a moment to untangle his thoughts from his fears, he said, ‘All I know is that it was his decision to leave, so despite what they might still feel for one another, I’m not sure he wants to come back.’
Vivi felt quietly stunned by that. She’d always assumed it was her mother who’d ended the marriage. Gil had certainly allowed her to think that, but apparently he’d told Mark something else. ‘Did Gil ever say why he left?’
Mark shrugged. ‘Not really. We never got into it. He just wanted me to know that it wouldn’t make any difference, we’d still be a family, but we’d have two homes.’
This was what Gil had said to her too, without mentioning that it was what he wanted, rather than her mother’s decision. Just in case Mark really did know more, she said, ‘Has Gil ever said anything to you about my father?’
Mark frowned. ‘Like what?’
‘Like, is there a chance he might have been behind the break-up?’
Mark was looking perplexed and anxious as he shook his head. ‘If he was then it’s news to me,’ he replied. ‘But I don’t ever talk to him or Mum about anything like that. It’s not really my place to.’
Accepting that was true and feeling bad for putting him in an awkward position, she told herself to let it go and tried to lift the mood again. ‘Can you do something for me?’ she asked, managing the ghost of a twinkle.
He eyed her warily.
She smiled. ‘Can you please go and join your mates in Italy? I know they’re already there, because I’ve seen their posts on Facebook, and going to the Lakes and Venice and Florence would be on my bucket list if I could have a proper one, so I’m relying on you to go for me. And then to FaceTime me at least once a day to show me around and to reassure me that you’re having a brilliant time.’
She meant every word, she really did want him to go and have a brilliant time, because sitting around here, worrying about her, wondering how long it would be before someone died so she could have a new heart, or didn’t so she died instead, wasn’t going to help anyone, least of all him.
‘But NanaBella, I don’t understand how you can’t know who my father is. You said yourself that Mum was living with you when I was born …’
‘When you were born, Vivi, not when you were conceived.’
‘OK, so where was she then?’
‘Actually, she was here, in Kesterly, for most of the time. She’d come back from uni during the summer, but she was always out with friends, staying over at parties and concerts, taking off for weekends on the south coast. I didn’t know who most of the friends were. She’d met them at uni and they came to stay, or pass through …’
‘Was there anyone in particular? Someone who might have been my dad?’
With a sigh NanaBella said, ‘Your grandpa and I asked ourselves that many times, but neither of us remember there being anyone special. She just seemed to be having fun. She was too young to get involved was what she used to say, and we never had a problem with that, because nineteen was young. She had a bright future ahead of her … She had all sorts of plans …’ NanaBella caught her breath. ‘She returned to uni after the summer was over, but then she came home a month or so later and everything … changed.’
‘Because she was pregnant?’
NanaBella nodded.
‘Were you angry when you found out?’
‘Not angry, no. I was more concerned about her and the way she was at the time.’
‘What does that mean? How was she?’
NanaBella sighed again and shook her head. ‘To be honest, my love, I thought she was going to say she wanted a termination so she could continue her studies, but it turned out that she’d decided to give them up and have her baby instead.’
Not realizing that her question hadn’t actually been answered, Vivi asked hopefully, almost desperately, ‘So do you think that means she really loved him?’
NanaBella blinked in bemusement. ‘I don’t know what it means, my love, because she wouldn’t ever talk about him.’
Vivi and Gil were strolling arm in arm along Bay Road, soaking up the evening sun as it sank slowly towards the horizon. There was no one about, just a lot of gulls and faraway surfers, and the occasional glimpse of a car passing the end of the road.
‘So no more scares?’ he asked, turning off his phone as it rang.
‘Not so far,’ she replied, thankfully. In truth, she was becoming increasingly depressed by the suddenness of the shock when she’d been feeling so good, and was afraid she wouldn’t be able to snap out of it for a while – by which time it might have happened again, and again. Short, sharp bursts of electricity to restart her heart each time it tried to give up on her. And what was that actually doing to it? Wearing it out even more? The spectre of a Ventricular Assist Device, the pump that would take over her heart completely, tried to appear, but she managed to push it away. She’d promised herself only to deal with that if she had to, for the nightmare of the tubes and batteries, the way it would limit her life to an even greater degree, should only be lived when she had no choice. ‘I feel fine now,’ she insisted. ‘Well, maybe that’s overstating it, I wouldn’t be up for a marathon or a bungee jump, but I’m out here walking with you and that’s good, isn’t it?’
He smiled as he squeezed her arm. ‘It’s a pity it happened,’ he commented sadly. ‘You seemed to be gaining strength, but I guess it was a reminder for us not to get carried away.’
A horrible reminder, she thought, but she didn’t want to discuss it any more. If it was going to happen again it would, and talking about it was hardly a preventive. So moving away from it, she said, ‘I know we’ve had this conversation before, but we haven’t had it for a long time and there are a few things I’d like to ask you again, if you don’t mind.’
‘Fire away,’ he invited, his easy tone telling her that he hadn’t guessed what was coming.
The big decision now was where to begin. ‘It’s about my real father,’ she said, deciding to get that bit out first. She waited. He said nothing, just kept walking with his hand over hers, so she continued. ‘I know Mum’s never told you who he is, but I wondered, since we last spoke about it, if that had changed.’
His eyes remained straight ahead as he said, ‘No, it hasn’t changed, sweetheart. We never talk about him. We never have.’
‘But don’t you find that strange? You must.’
He ruminated for a moment. ‘Not strange, exactly, more concerning, because obviously something happened back then that was … Well, we don’t know what it was, because she won’t discuss it.’
She climbed up onto the dunes after him, accepting his help in case the effort was too much for her. It wasn’t, but there again, after today’s shock what did she know?
They tramped through the grassy sand until they reached a public bench offering an uninterrupted view of the bay. She rested her head on his shoulder as they sat watching the distant tide, her hand linked in his, and finally she said, ‘Did my father have anything to do with the reason you left?’
He inhaled deeply, letting the question sink in for a while, before he said, ‘I’m not sure.’
As surprised by the answer as she was thrown by it, she said, ‘What does that mean?’
He drew a breath. ‘To be honest,’ he replied, ‘I think he’s the reason she’s … the way she is, and it’s because of the way she is that it became … difficult for us to stay together.’
Feeling faintly light-headed as she realized she might actually be getting somewhere at last, she said, ‘What do you mean by the way she is?’
It was clear that he didn’t really want to answer that, and she felt bad for testing his loyalty to her mother, but she needed to know.
‘Please,’ she said softly.
In the end he said, ‘She’s difficult to get close to at times, as you know, and … Well, shall we just say that I don’t think she’s the person she might have been if things had been different.’
‘You mean if she hadn’t had me?’
He sighed heavily. ‘Yes, I do mean that, but it doesn’t mean she regrets having you. She’s never made me think that.’
‘But she has made you think that there’s unfinished business with my father?’
Again he took a moment to consider her question before shaking his head. ‘I’m not sure I’d put it like that, but who knows, you could be right.’
‘Do you think …? This is probably going to sound crazy, but do you think she’s afraid of him?’
He frowned doubtfully. ‘What I have sometimes thought is that he, or what happened between them, might still be influencing her in some way.’
Feeling certain it was, Vivi said, ‘Do you think I have a right to know who he is?’
Resting his head on hers, he said, ‘Yes, I think you do, but there’s a lot to consider before you start taking any steps in that direction.’
‘Like how it might affect her if I do manage to find him?’
‘Yes, and there’s also how it might affect you.’
She realized she hadn’t actually given much consideration to that.
‘Frankly,’ he said, ‘if he were a good man I’m sure he’d have been in your life.’
It was a logical assumption. ‘Even if he were married to someone else?’
‘That makes it less likely, of course, but not impossible.’
‘And if he was married,’ she said, countering her own argument, ‘why wouldn’t she at least have told NanaBella, or you, when you came into her life? She wouldn’t have been the first girl to fall pregnant by a married man.’
‘Indeed,’ he agreed.
She hesitated before voicing another suspicion, until deciding there was no point in holding back, she said, ‘I’ve sometimes wondered if she was raped.’
He nodded. ‘I’ve wondered that too.’
‘Did you ever ask her?’
‘No, but your grandmother did and she said she wasn’t.’
So he’d discussed it with NanaBella. ‘Did Nana believe it?’
‘I don’t think she was ever completely sure, but apparently your mother was adamant that it hadn’t happened that way.’
‘Maybe she doesn’t actually know who got her pregnant. There might have been some sort of group sex going on that she doesn’t want to admit to.’
He shrugged, showing that he’d considered that possibility too, but how would they ever know?
She wound her fingers through his and brought their hands to her cheek. ‘Whoever he is,’ she said, ‘whether I find him or not, it’ll never change how much you matter to me. I hope you know that.’
He turned to press a kiss to her new blonde waves. ‘I’m glad about that,’ he smiled.
She smiled too. ‘Can I tell you something strange?’ she asked after a while.
‘Of course.’
‘Knowing that I might die without ever finding out who he is … It makes me feel … unfinished.’
He moved to put an arm around her. ‘I think I can understand that,’ he said softly.
‘So,’ she said, ‘will you talk to Mum with me? I can’t do it on my own. I don’t think I’m strong enough, not if it goes the way it did the last time I asked when I was eighteen.’
Gina was incandescent, and looked as though she might actually hit Vivienne if she so much as uttered another word.
‘No, your father, as you like to call him, had absolutely nothing to do with me and Gil breaking up. I don’t know where you get such ridiculous ideas. What the hell goes on in your head?’
‘You pushed Gil away because in your head you’re still in love with my father,’ Vivienne raged back. ‘You always have been, but he doesn’t want you, so you take it out on the rest of us, especially me, because I look like him, or sound like him …’
‘You are nothing like him,’ Gina screamed over her. ‘And let me tell you this, you don’t want to be …’
‘So you do know who he is?’
‘Of course I know who he is …’
‘Then tell me.’
‘This conversation is ending right now. You can stay here tonight, and tomorrow I’ll put you on the next train back to university where you’d do well to concentrate on your studies and give up this …nonsense you’ve created for yourself.’
‘I came here to try and save your marriage, which is more than you seem to be doing.’
‘My marriage is my business …’
‘And my father is mine. I have a right to know who he is.’
‘Just stop it, Vivienne. Stop right now.’
‘Is he dead?’
‘Oh for God’s sake …’
‘Does he know about me?’
‘What difference does it make?’
‘All the difference in the world to me.’
‘But it means nothing to me.’
‘How can you be so cruel? I don’t understand …’
‘It’s you who’s being cruel, always bringing this up, forcing me to relive a time I’ve tried so hard to forget, and doing it now, when Gil has just gone … Don’t you think I’m feeling bad enough? Why did you have to come here and make me feel even worse?’
They swung round as the door opened and NanaBella came in, pale and fiery-eyed. ‘I can’t let you carry on like this,’ she said forcefully. ‘You’re tearing each other to pieces and nothing good is ever going to come of it.’
‘Then make her tell me the truth,’ Vivienne implored.
Gina’s eyes flashed in her mother’s direction. Turning to Vivienne she said, ‘You’ve heard the phrase, be careful what you wish for, well it applies here, young lady. I am trying to save you from yourself. Remember that the next time you want to bring this up.’
‘What do you think she meant by that?’ Vivienne asked, as she and Gil got up to meander back to the house.
‘I probably think the same as you,’ he replied.
Wanting it put into words, she said, ‘You mean that he wasn’t a particularly good person so she’s trying to save me from him?’
‘It seems the most logical conclusion.’
Of course it was, but there were still other options. ‘What if,’ she said, ‘she was afraid he’d try to take me away from her? That could be a reason why she never told him about me.’
He gazed up at the gulls swooping and screeching about the cliffs as he pondered this. ‘That might account for how she was about him when you were young,’ he said, ‘but not for why she still won’t discuss it now.’
Having already come up with the same answer for that, she said, ‘But if we don’t get her to talk about it, how on earth are we ever going to find him when we have absolutely nothing to go on?’
Coming to a stop, he turned her to face him and put his hands on her shoulders as he gazed tenderly into her eyes. ‘There can’t be a “we” in that scenario, Vivi,’ he said softly. ‘I’ll be there when you try to talk to her, if that’s what you want, but if she still won’t tell you anything I’m afraid I can’t help you to find him.’
Though she’d half expected the answer, Vivi still felt crushed. ‘You feel it would be disloyal,’ she said.
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured. ‘As much as I love you, I love her too and I don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt her. I think – I’m certain – that if she knew I was helping you to find your father it would hurt her very much.’