By the time Sam returned from his mission to Deerwood Farm the children had been bathed and changed into their pyjamas, and Michelle’s parents, Yvonne and Paul, had turned up. Although Vivienne had called to invite her mother to the barbecue, Gina apparently already had plans for dinner with friends in town, taking advantage of the fact that Vivienne was going to be out for the evening.
It was balmy and beautiful, with the sun casting a rich golden glow over the distant bay, and the sound of birds tweeting and cawing mingled with the chafe of invisible insects. In spite of being in Kesterly for all the wrong reasons, Vivi couldn’t imagine wanting to be anywhere else right now. It felt so important to be with people she’d known all her life, friends who were as dear to her as if they were family, who wanted to be there for her until there was no more they could do. Or until she got a new heart, but the hope for that was as unpredictable and ephemeral as the foam on the waves.
‘Right,’ Sam declared, clearly meaning business as he strode onto the deck rubbing his hands, ‘have you got the beers on ice, Paul? I’m gasping. OK, OK, Yvie,’ as his mother-in-law turned a baleful eye on him, ‘I promise I’ll have someone come and straighten up your mailbox by the end of the day tomorrow.’
‘Just don’t send the guy who put it up in the first place,’ she admonished as he embraced her. ‘It makes me feel drunk every time I look at it. Oh, Josh, hi, good to see you.’
Vivi turned to find a tall, dark-haired man, probably in his early thirties, standing behind her, and for no good reason her heart gave an unsteady beat. He had the tousled look of a Romany about him, or an eighteenth-century poet, or someone who was simply too handsome for his own good. His hair was thick, almost jet-black, his strong jaw unshaven and his smile as he turned it to her was so captivating that it made her own falter. She’d never seen him before, she knew that for certain, but there was something about him that seemed … familiar? Maybe he was reminding her of someone, though who it was she couldn’t say. She only knew that he didn’t feel like a stranger …
‘Vivi and Josh, I don’t think you guys have met,’ Sam said, slipping an arm around her.
Josh held out a hand and Vivi felt the physicality of him closing around her like a small force of nature. His eyes were remarkable, almost unsettling in their intensity, for he wasn’t just looking at her, she realized, he seemed to be seeing or reading her in a way that felt … It should have felt presumptive or even invasive, but they were too friendly for that.
‘Vivi,’ he said, holding the gaze with no apparent self-consciousness. ‘Michelle’s best friend from your first day at school. It’s good to meet you.’
Surprised, and faintly embarrassed, she said, ‘You have me at a disadvantage because … Well …’
He laughed, and she almost blinked without being sure why. ‘Don’t tell me, no one’s ever mentioned me,’ he protested. ‘I guess I’m just not important enough, but …’
‘Oh, someone pass me a violin,’ Michelle cried. ‘I’m sure we have mentioned you.’ She looked at Vivi, but Vivi was certain no one had. ‘We must have,’ Michelle insisted. ‘Josh and Sam have been friends for years, and Josh’s family are our best clients. Millie, darling, please don’t do that with the cat.’ Millie was holding the large, long-suffering tabby, Bitsy, in her tiny hands, carrying him awkwardly across the deck.
‘I’m taking him to Josh,’ Millie explained. ‘Please can you make him better?’ she implored, holding him up for Josh to inspect.
Going down to her height and smoothing the cat’s soft grey fur, Josh said, ‘What’s the matter with him?’
‘He’s not very well, because he sleeps all the time.’
‘I see,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘Well, that’s what cats do during the day. They mostly sleep, and at night, they go out hunting.’
Millie’s eyes dilated. It was clear her mind was whirling around that little revelation and those who loved her, which included everyone present, were waiting to hear what she made of it. ‘You mean, when I’m asleep and my toys get up to play so I can’t see them, Bitsy goes out … What’s hunting?’
With a smile, Josh said, ‘He goes out looking for mice and birds and even fish if he can catch them.’
Millie was entranced. ‘Mummy! Did you hear that? Josh says Bitsy can catch fish. Grandma, maybe it’s not the gulls stealing from your pond, it could be Bitsy.’ She drew in a sharp breath. ‘Bitsy, you bad boy. You mustn’t steal Grandma’s goldfish, because they’re very expensive and it’s naughty.’
‘OK, seems like I’ve started something,’ Josh said wryly, as he stood up again.
‘Thanks for that,’ Michelle replied sweetly. ‘Now, make yourself useful and pour some wine. Sam, I’ve put everything for the barbecue on a big plate in the fridge. Dad, could you get it? Ash, that’s not a good thing to do with your food, sweetheart.’
As Vivi picked up the bowl Ash had hurled from his high chair, Josh unscrewed the cap from a bottle of wine and began filling glasses. When he handed them around Vivi declined with a simple, ‘Thanks, I’m on iced tea.’
Millie followed this up with, ‘Auntie Vivi can’t have wine because she isn’t very well, but I take care of her with my doctor’s set, don’t I, Auntie Vivi?’
‘You do indeed,’ Vivi confirmed, aware of Josh’s eyes on her.
‘I’m going to make her better,’ Millie declared. She gave a sudden gasp of excitement and turned back to Josh. ‘Can you make her better?’
‘Josh is a vet,’ Sam reminded her. ‘He treats sick animals, not people. Now, have you eaten all your supper, young lady?’
‘Yes,’ she cried, jumping up and down. ‘Grandma, can we go and feed your goldfish?’
‘Not right now, sweetheart. It’s almost time for bed.’
‘I don’t want to go. It’s not fair, I always have to go to bed. You’re really mean …’
‘Millie, that’s enough,’ Michelle cut in. ‘Go and put a DVD on or learn to let someone else speak for a while.’
Opting for the DVD, Millie hurried off inside, leaving the others to cook and drink, and take Ash and eventually her off to bed, before they sat down to eat.
Vivi listened to the conversation as it ebbed and flowed, joining in at times, laughing in a way that felt … how did it feel? Liberating, she decided, because she hadn’t felt this relaxed in a while. She was conscious of Josh watching her from time to time, and while wondering what he was thinking she wished he’d talk more, so she’d have an excuse to look at him. She did anyway, because she couldn’t help it, and each time their eyes met she found herself feeling, fleetingly, as if they did know one another …
For a few uneasy moments she found herself wondering if this evening had been planned to get them together, until she realized that Michelle and Sam wouldn’t be so insensitive as to try to do that either to her or to Josh.
Nevertheless, she was intrigued by the man, and of course attracted to him; it was impossible not to be when he looked and sounded the way he did. But she stayed mindful of the fact that Michelle had mentioned his family, so he was presumably married, probably with kids, and was no doubt used to women everywhere feeling attracted to him.
It wasn’t until the meal was over and they settled into the more comfy chairs that she got to learn a little more about him.
‘So how’s everyone at Deerwood?’ Paul asked, as Michelle came out with a tray of coffee and chocolates. ‘It’s been a while since I was out there.’
‘Oh, they’re all fine,’ Josh replied, taking an espresso. ‘Crazy and busy as ever. Sam’s come up with some great plans for the latest expansion.’
Apparently realizing Vivi was in the dark, Michelle handed her a peppermint tea as she said, ‘Josh’s family own Deerwood Farm, out on the old Dean Valley Road.’
Vivi said, ‘I think I’ve passed it a couple of times when I’ve been out that way. I’ve seen the signs, but I can’t say I know it.’ She vaguely remembered wanting to stop and buy fruit there, but her mother hadn’t wanted to, had even behaved oddly over it, but it was a faint recollection from a time when she’d still been so weak ….
Yvonne was saying with a laugh, ‘You’ll be the only one around here who doesn’t know it. His mother’s a legend and his sisters are saints.’
Josh immediately protested. ‘Not quite how I’d describe them,’ he corrected. ‘In fact, not at all how I’d describe them.’
Enjoying his humour, Vivi said, ‘So how would you describe them?’
After considering the question, he said, ‘Actually, I tend not to get into that. It always ends me up in trouble.’
As the others laughed, Yvonne told Vivi, ‘They adore him. In their books he can do no wrong …’
‘Huh,’ he scoffed. ‘In their books I never do anything right.’
‘If you don’t know Deerwood,’ Michelle put in, ‘then we should probably explain that it’s a farm extraordinaire.’
How could Vivi not be intrigued by that? ‘Which means?’ she prompted, wanting to hear it from Josh.
‘Which means,’ he replied, ‘that it’s time to change the subject and talk about something far more interesting, like what brings you to Kesterley at this time? I know you and Michelle have been friends most of your lives, so I guess …’ He broke off, and Vivi realized from the sudden darkening of his eyes, that he’d just reconnected with what else he’d heard about her. She tried desperately to think of a way to smooth it over with something humorous, even dismissive, but she was afraid she’d make a fool of herself and embarrass him.
Michelle was there. ‘You guessed right,’ she was saying. ‘She’s here to babysit while Sam and I go off to France and Spain for a month to recreate our honeymoon. Sam, that was a hint. Would be lovely, when you can fit it in, my love.’
‘But every night’s a honeymoon with you, my darling,’ Sam countered, refilling his glass.
‘Hang on,’ Paul protested, ‘that’s my daughter you’re talking about.’
‘Oh my God, is that who she is? I’ve been asking myself for a while, but I kind of like her, she’s good to have around and great with the kids …’
Throwing a napkin at him, Michelle said, ‘Speaking of not knowing who people are, Vivi’s about to trace her ancestry using DNA.’ Realizing her indiscretion too late, she tried a hasty retreat with, ‘I was going to do it too, but you lot are enough for me, can’t cope with any more.’
Josh looked fascinated as he turned to Vivi. ‘I’ve seen it promoted on Facebook,’ he said. ‘They say that most of us who think we’re British aren’t even close.’
‘Speaking personally,’ Sam piped up, ‘I’m sure I’m from Planet Macho. I kind of feel it in here, you know what I mean,’ he said, punching his chest.
‘We do indeed,’ Michelle responded drily.
As everyone laughed, chocolates were passed around and Vivi found herself relaxing again, even feeling faintly light-headed, as she listened to the banter flowing as effortlessly and randomly as it had before. Josh was clearly as at home here as she was, which made him feel like a friend already, and it wasn’t surprising that he should feel so comfortable when Michelle and Sam were such easy-going hosts. She just wondered why Michelle had never mentioned him before – unless she had, and Vivi hadn’t really taken it in. Too busy with her own life, her own world …
It was almost midnight – the latest Vivi had been up since coming out of hospital – when she received a text from her mother asking if she was still at Michelle’s.
She sent a quick message back assuring her she was, but she’d be home soon. No need to wait up.
‘I can guess who it was,’ Michelle smiled. ‘She’s worried, but you can stay here tonight if you like.’
Mindful of needing to be next to her home monitor, and of the medication she had to take before going to sleep, Vivi said, ‘That would be lovely, but I ought to go. I’ll call a taxi if you’ve got a number.’
‘No need for that,’ Josh insisted. ‘I’ve only had a couple of glasses and I should be going myself before I outstay my welcome.’
‘Not possible,’ Michelle protested.
Nevertheless he got to his feet, and to Vivi’s surprise he offered a hand to help her to hers. She felt the strength of his grip as she rose, and wondered if he was feeling the size and shape of her hand too. If he did he showed no sign of it, was already turning to the others to start saying goodnight.
He drove an old Land Rover, which made sense for a vet who apparently lived on a farm. It smelled, predictably, of hay and animals and a vague hint of something a little more savoury – and of him.
‘You’ll have to direct me,’ he told her. ‘I don’t think I’m familiar with your part of town.’
‘It’s not far,’ she assured him. ‘I hope it isn’t too much out of your way.’ She knew it was, for Deerwood Farm was in completely the opposite direction.
‘I’m staying in town tonight,’ he informed her. ‘I’ve got a flat over by the Botanical Gardens, so definitely not out of the way.’
She wanted to ask about the flat, how long he’d had it, who he lived with there, but afraid it might sound too inquisitive, too personal, she said instead, ‘Where do you practise as a vet?’
He smiled. ‘All over. I specialize in farm animals, so I tend to go to my patients more often than they come to me. When they do, I’ve got an office and surgery at Deerwood.’
Intrigued to know more about the farm, she was about to ask when she realized he was going to take a wrong turn.
Hitting the brakes and spinning the wheel with one hand, he threw out the other to hold her in her seat. ‘That was fun,’ he grinned, when they were safely on the straight and narrow again.
Smiling, she started to pick up where they’d left off, but he said, ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you don’t look ill.’
Surprised by his bluntness, her eyebrows rose. ‘Well there’s a blessing,’ she commented drily.
He glanced at her quickly. ‘Am I wrong to mention it?’
She gave it some thought and shook her head. ‘I don’t much like talking about it, though. It’s starting to define who I am, and I like to think that there’s still a bit more to me yet.’
He looked at her again, but she kept her eyes straight ahead.
They drove on quietly, but she was aware of his frequent glances, as though he was trying to get the measure of her. In the end she said, ‘Am I allowed to look at you too?’
He laughed in a way that made her laugh too. ‘You’re going to find this odd,’ he told her, ‘but I keep feeling as though you’re someone I know, someone I haven’t seen for a long time …’
‘Yes, that is odd,’ she agreed, her eyes shining with mischief as she turned to him. She wouldn’t tell him she understood what he meant because she was feeling it too, but she did say, ‘Have we met before?’
He shook his head. ‘I’d remember.’
Certain she would too, she fell silent again. This is crazy, she was telling herself. This can’t be happening now. It just can’t. But it was. She was attracted to him in a way that felt both exhilarating and terrifying.
‘Do you miss your life in London?’ he asked.
She could hardly deny it, and yet would she want to be there now, in her weakened, limited state, struggling to be the person she no longer was? ‘I enjoyed it while I was there,’ she said, ‘and I guess I still would if things hadn’t changed the way they have.’
‘You had quite a high-powered job, from what I hear.’
She smiled. ‘I suppose it could be categorized that way. Bay Lane’s about fifty yards along on the left, by the way. It’s easy to miss …’
A few minutes later he turned the Land Rover round outside number 8 and came to a stop. As they were now talking about their student days, she didn’t immediately get out of the car. He was telling her about his time at the Royal Veterinary College, and it turned out that although they hadn’t been in London at the same time – he was more than five years older than her – they’d frequented many of the same bars and cafés, and in a more amazing coincidence they’d actually lived on the same street, albeit several years apart.
‘So what did you do after you graduated?’ she asked, aware of how late it was getting, but he didn’t seem keen to get away and, amazingly, she wasn’t feeling tired.
‘I went to South Africa to work on various animal-conservation projects,’ he replied, gazing absently out at the darkness. ‘Lions, leopards, rhinos … I was there for almost four years. I would have stayed, but …’ He threw her a look. ‘You were just being polite. Sorry …’
‘No, really, I’m interested. You would have stayed, but …’
He inhaled deeply and turned his gaze back to the black expanse of sea that glittered and rippled in the moonlit bay. ‘There was a girl,’ he said. ‘She worked on one of the projects … We talked about marriage, but then it didn’t seem such a good idea when we realized we wanted different things from life.’
Intrigued, Vivi said, ‘How different?’
‘Basically, Elena saw her future in her family’s business – they own a winery near Franschhoek – and I didn’t see mine there at all. So we parted, more or less amicably, and much to my mother’s relief I decided to return to Deerwood.’
His eyes were closed now, his hands resting loosely on the base of the steering wheel, and though he was very much present, she could sense that his mind was somewhere far away. ‘Do you regret the decision?’ she ventured softly.
He seemed surprised, but his eyes remained closed as he said, ‘To come back, or not to marry?’
‘Either.’
‘No to the second. I’m still not sure about the first.’
There was so much more she wanted to ask; in fact she wanted to know everything about him, but that was hardly going to happen tonight.
Or any other night, she reminded herself firmly.
Nevertheless, she said, ‘You mentioned your mother just now. What about your father?’
He took a breath, pressed his fingers to his eyes as though rubbing away tiredness, and said, ‘He was killed in a freak accident when I was four.’
She quietly reeled. Four years old. So young. ‘I’m sorry,’ she murmured, truly meaning it. ‘Do you remember him?’
‘Some things.’
She let a few moments pass, wondering if she should tell him about the situation with her own father, but decided not to. Not knowing who someone was couldn’t be compared to losing a parent you’d known and loved with all your heart.
Realizing he’d raised an eyebrow and was watching her with one eye open, she felt a reaction in her heart that she knew very well had nothing to do with her condition.
‘Tell me more about you,’ he said softly.
His tone was almost intimate, and for a heady, irrational moment a part of her wanted to tell him everything, leaving out nothing, even the terrible, wrenching, cowardly fear of dying. In the end she shook her head. ‘I want to hear about Deerwood,’ she insisted.
He pushed his hands to the roof of the car in an effort to stretch out his arms. ‘Deerwood is a long story,’ he replied, ‘too long for now, but if you’re really interested?’ He made it a question.
‘I am,’ she assured him.
‘Then let’s save it for another time.’
Vivi let herself quietly in through the front door and stood in the hall, listening to the sound of his car driving away until she could hear it no more.
If she’d met him three months ago she knew exactly how she’d be feeling now – gloriously alive, breathless with anticipation. She’d be unable to sleep for thinking about him; she’d lie in the moonlight, smiling, dreaming, until she drifted off, waking a few hours later to a renewed rush of wonderful memory.
If it were three months ago she wouldn’t even be here, she reminded herself soberly. She’d be in London and would never have met him …
Her eyes closed against a surge of misery.
For weeks, ever since she’d known how sick she really was, there had been things she’d tried hard to keep away from, but tonight they were almost overwhelming her. She was a shell of who she used to be, a young woman who could no longer function in a way that was considered normal; she couldn’t even think about having a relationship, much less about satisfying the needs of her body, or anyone else’s. It seemed cruel, almost perverse, that those needs should still be very much alive, as though they had a pulse, a bloodstream all of their own. She could feel the longing in her body, opening her up in a way only a man could fulfil. Josh Raynor had awakened that longing, had drawn her to him without as much as a single touch …
Starting as a light went on upstairs, she blinked the self-pitying tears from her eyes and went through to the kitchen.
‘Vivi? Are you all right?’ her mother called out.
‘I’m fine,’ she called back. ‘Sorry to wake you. I’m coming up now.’
Apparently satisfied with that, Gina returned to bed, and Vivi felt sadness and despair flooding into her useless heart. She wanted to tell her mother how afraid she was of the future and how pointless her existence seemed. She even wanted to tell her about Josh, how surprised she’d been by him, and the connection she’d felt. She probably wouldn’t be able to find the right words to explain him, but it didn’t matter because she wasn’t going to try. Her mother would only tell her what she already knew, that no matter how hard it might be, she must put him out of her mind. She wasn’t strong enough to have the kind of relationship a man like him would need and expect, that was presuming he even wanted a relationship with her, and there was nothing to say that he did. It didn’t matter. It couldn’t happen and so there was no point putting herself through this. Life for her had changed. She must deal with the truth of that in a way that avoided delusions and false promises, and most of all avoided hurting anyone, including herself.
Vivi ended up paying for the late night at Michelle and Sam’s with a spell of weakness and exhaustion that kept her mostly in bed for the next two days, sometimes struggling for breath, or turning her face to the pillow as she wept with despair and frustration. There was even talk of taking her into hospital for a while, but thankfully, on the third morning, when she woke from a night of scattered sleep, it was bizarrely as though she’d pulled some energy from thin air. She was able to shower and dress without her mother’s help, and when Gil came to take Gina out for lunch she decided to accept the invitation to join them.
She needed to get out of the house, to feel she was still alive and able to escape the depression that seemed to lurk in the corners of her room as well as her mind.
They went to the Luttrell Arms in Dunster, a place that was special to Gil and Gina. It was where he’d asked her to marry him, many moons ago, and where they’d come to celebrate the anniversary of that day every year during the time they were together.
And now, here they were celebrating it again – with Vivi as the third wheel, or perhaps she was some kind of chaperone to make sure the day didn’t stumble into territory they couldn’t find their way back from. That would never do, at least not for Gina, and since Gil had someone else now, Vivi could only wonder what he was doing here.
As she watched them clearly enjoying themselves she made herself laugh at something Gil was saying, not quite sure what it was, but as he and her mother seemed to find it funny, she decided to go along with it. It obviously pleased them to think she was having a good time, and she was, in a way – just not in the same way as they were.
Catching a little boy watching her from a nearby table she smiled, and loved the way he smiled back. He was probably no more than three years old, with a mass of brown curly hair and a bright red birthmark covering one of his baby-soft cheeks. His eyes were bright and happy in spite of being misaligned, and she couldn’t be sure but she thought, from the way he walked, that one of his little legs was shorter than the other.
What a sweetheart he was. She wanted to wrap him up in her arms and thank him for smiling at her, because he’d reminded her of how little it took to make someone feel good. It was odd how children could do that so much more successfully than adults. She guessed it was because there was no artifice in their smiles; no motive at all that wasn’t born of happiness to be alive and noticed.
‘Penny for them,’ her mother offered.
Vivi turned to her, and after a moment Gil said, wryly, ‘Seems like they might be worth a lot more.’
Gina smiled, but she was clearly concerned as she said, ‘Are you all right? Is this too much for you? We can always go …’
‘I’m fine, Mum,’ Vivi interrupted. ‘It was a lovely idea to come here. I needed a change of scenery more than I realized.’ It was true, she really had, and if she hadn’t come she knew she’d have sat at home reading about her condition online, finding out how others were coping, searching for some hope, a way of changing her destiny, and that really wouldn’t have been a helpful distraction at all.
What was helping her, strangely, was thinking about Josh Raynor, in spite of her resolve not to do so. During the better moments of the past few days she’d let her mind drift over the short time they’d spent together, their conversation and its many directions, and to her surprise she’d found it more calming than upsetting. She enjoyed picturing his profile in the moonlight, almost lost in shadow, and recalling the sound of his voice as he spoke, the sense of him breathing. Occasionally she’d remind herself that she had no intention of seeing him again, and she meant it, but it didn’t seem to stop her from wondering what he might be doing now, who he was with, what he might be saying, or even thinking. He’d promised to tell her about Deerwood, but he hadn’t been in touch. She wasn’t sure if she’d expected to hear by now; she only knew that she was trying hard not to wait for his call, despite the fact that she was.
‘That was one major swoon the other night,’ Michelle had teased when they’d finally spoken this morning. ‘He’s a dreamboat, isn’t he? I take it he got you home in one piece.’
‘Yes, of course,’ Vivi had laughed. ‘It was a lovely evening. Thanks very much.’
‘I’m glad you came, and the kids loved seeing you, as always.’
They’d talked on for a while, not mentioning Josh again, though Vivi knew very well that Michelle had sensed the chemistry between them; she simply wouldn’t try to encourage a situation that had no future.
‘So how are you getting on with your plan to accept your lot and try to appreciate every day you have left, without panicking yourself into an early grave?’ Gil asked chattily.
Vivi blinked in shock.
He was smiling warmly, so was her mother, until seeming to sense that something was wrong their expressions turned to bewilderment and concern.
‘I’m sorry,’ Vivi said quickly, realizing it was the voice in her head she’d heard, not Gil’s. Of course he hadn’t said that, he’d never be so crass or brutal. ‘I was miles away, what did you say?’
‘I was just asking if you’d like anything else,’ Gil replied. ‘A dessert, maybe?’
Knowing it would please her mother to see her eat more than the few mouthfuls of sea bream she’d managed, Vivi said, ‘I’d love some fresh fruit with almonds. Thanks.’
She was far too thin, her eyes were sinking into dark hollows, her face was as pale as a winter sky. Josh had said she didn’t look ill, but she knew she did. Some days thanks to her failing heart her lips were tinged with blue, and the strain of her condition seemed to sharpen the bones in her cheeks. How could he possibly find her attractive? How could any man?
It would be so much easier to get through this if she could somehow shut off her mind. Even when she was sleeping she was tormented by dreams that could be beautiful and gentle at the start, until they turned into something dark and frightening, even violent. It was a reflection of her life, she thought, the one that had been happy, healthy, fulfilling in every way until suddenly it wasn’t any more.
‘I can’t stand doing nothing,’ she told Josh in her mind. ‘I want to be someone who uses the time I have left to make a difference in a good way. If I had cancer I’d still be able to do things, raise money for a children’s hospice; put on events in support of the British Heart Foundation; help those who are also dying so they don’t feel so alone. I’d be able to make love and dance, fly to faraway places, or throw myself into a world full of hopes and dreams.’
What would he say in return, she wondered, and why was she talking to him in her mind when she had her mother, Gil and Michelle to talk to at any time in reality?
‘Is there anything in particular you’d like to do this afternoon?’ her mother asked as their desserts arrived.
Vivi thought about suggesting they drive past Deerwood Farm on the journey home, but it was out of the way and how would she answer when her mother asked why? Which of course she would.
So she said, with no preamble, ‘I’m having my ancestry traced using DNA.’
Gina frowned, seeming confused for a moment, until understanding dawned and her cheeks burned with colour. ‘Why?’ she asked stiffly, and Vivi almost laughed at the disingenuousness of it.
‘Why do you think?’ she retorted. ‘You won’t tell me anything, so I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.’
Gina glanced at Gil.
‘How exactly do you go about it?’ he enquired, making an attempt to keep things calm while they were in public.
She explained about sending off the saliva sample to a place in Ireland. ‘Don’t worry,’ she told her mother, ‘it takes six weeks or more for the results to be posted, and I might be dead by then.’
Gil said sharply, ‘That was uncalled for, Vivienne. We understand how difficult this is for you, but attacking your mother …’
‘I’m not attacking her. I’m just saying that there’s a good chance her secret will stay safe in spite of my efforts to find out who my father is.’ Before Gina could interrupt, she said, angrily, ‘Do you know how many people are waiting for donors so they can stay alive? It’s not just me, there are thousands of people, and hundreds of them have died in this past year alone. If …’
‘They’re not all waiting for hearts,’ Gil pointed out.
‘Does it matter what they’re waiting for? Do you have any idea how frightening and miserable it is for those who need dialysis every day? You should read some of their stories. I don’t know how many healthy organs have been buried or cremated this past month alone, but believe me, it’s a lot, and every one of them could have made all the difference to someone’s life. If they’d put themselves on the register, or if they’d told their families they want to try and help someone in need, then young men like Jim Lynskey might not be in the position he’s in now.’
‘Who’s Jim Lynskey?’ Gina asked quietly.
‘He’s twenty-one and he’s been waiting for a heart since he was nineteen. That’s two years, Mum. Two years. His story’s online, if you want to read it. It’s insane the way this country operates over organ donation. OK, they’re talking about an opt-out system now, but God knows how long that will take to go through Parliament. It won’t be in place in time for me, you can be sure of that …’
Stepping in quietly, Gil said, ‘We understand what you’re saying, sweetheart, but it’s not your mother’s fault that …’
‘I’m not saying it is,’ Vivi interrupted hotly, though she desperately wanted to blame someone for the frustration and helplessness that she, and everyone like her had to live with every day, never knowing if there would be a happy ending, locked in the fear that there really might not be. Fixing her eyes on her mother, she said, ‘I just don’t understand why, when you know how things are for me, and how much I want to know the truth, you still won’t tell me who my father is. I’m likely to die, for God’s sake. Can’t you at least tell me something about him?’
Clearly agitated, Gina said, ‘I can only repeat what I’ve told you all along. It won’t help you to know who or what he is, or even where he is …’
‘Do you know where he is?’
Gina’s eyes went down as she shook her head.
‘I don’t believe you.’
As Gina flinched, Gil said, ‘Vivi, this isn’t the time or the place.’
‘Are you still in touch with him?’ Vivienne pressed her mother.
‘No, of course not,’ Gina replied. To Gil she said, ‘We should get the bill.’
As they left the hotel and walked down through the village towards the castle, Vivi said, ‘So you’re really going to deny me my dying wish?’
‘What I’m doing,’ Gina said hoarsely, ‘is protecting you from something that will only hurt you and …’ She broke off as Vivi’s mobile rang.
As she dug around in her bag Vivi knew her mother was holding her breath, the way she did every time Vivi’s mobile rang. Maybe a donor had been found. They should be readying themselves for a mad dash to the transplant centre. Vivi herself felt sick with the dread and the hope of it.
It was a number she didn’t recognize.
She clicked on carefully and waited for someone to speak.
‘Hi. Vivi? It’s Josh Raynor. Is this a good time?’
As the surprise passed she felt suddenly as though she’d swallowed sunshine. ‘Of course,’ she said warmly. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m good. I was hoping to see you again.’
Thrilled and overcome with eagerness, she hardly knew what to say, apart from, ‘That would be lovely. I’m free most days.’
There was a wonderful irony in his tone as he said, ‘Oh well, if you’re going to play hard to get I shall just come over there and beat the door down.’
She laughed, joyfully, and knew that the sensations in her heart had nothing at all to do with anything but pleasure.
As soon as they got home Vivi went into her room and closed the door. To make doubly sure she couldn’t be overheard she put on some music, then rang Michelle.
‘I’ve had a call from Josh,’ she told her, aware of how ragged her limited breath was making her voice. ‘He wants to see me and I want to see him, but …’
‘I’ve already spoken to him,’ Michelle interrupted. ‘He rang to get your number. Please tell me you didn’t turn him down.’
Surprised, and suddenly wanting to laugh and embrace her best friend like she never had before, Vivi said, ‘I didn’t, but …’
‘Listen,’ Michelle said firmly, ‘I know what you’re thinking, but let’s be frank about this, shall we? He knows what’s going on with you and he still wants to see you. So what’s the point in trying to deny the attraction you feel for one another?’
Vivi’s swirl of emotions was so mixed and unsteady that she could hardly connect with even one. ‘So you noticed?’ Her smile grew to a point where it couldn’t get any wider.
‘Noticed?’ Michelle spluttered. ‘We could have lit up the whole town with the chemistry going on between you two the other night.’
Vivi bit her lip, wanting to laugh and cry and heaven only knew what else. ‘I’ve told him to come tomorrow when you’re supposed to be with me. Do you mind?’
‘Of course I don’t mind. I’m guessing that means you’re not going to tell your mother?’
‘I don’t think so. It’ll only worry her … God knows my heart’s already in enough trouble, she won’t take kindly to me putting it in the way of even more.’
With tenderness in her voice, Michelle said, ‘He’s a wonderful man, Vivi. Far too good-looking, of course, and he’s got a whole list of flaws that include being impulsive, annoyingly clever and a hopeless timekeeper, but he’s different, special in a way that’s hard to put into words. The best I can manage is that if we were having this conversation about anyone else I’d be worried. I’d even be trying to talk you out of it. As it’s him … Well, let’s speak again tomorrow after you’ve seen him.’