The title of this chapter is a loaded question, but it’s often raised in conversations about homosexuality. The logic often goes: If someone is born gay, then God must have made them that way, and if God made them that way, then being gay must be okay.
Some nonaffirming Christians respond by asserting the opposite: People are not born gay, but choose to be gay. And since they choose it, God is not responsible for their same-sex orientation.
This debate is often framed in terms as “nature versus nurture.” Some say that nature determines whether someone will be gay. That is, some people are born with a same-sex orientation that is fixed at birth. Others say that we are all born heterosexual, but nurture (life circumstances, family upbringing) sometimes cultivates gay desires: sexual abuse, an absent father, a domineering mother, or too many sisters that treated little Bobby like a doll growing up.
So are people born gay? Or do they choose to be gay? Or did something happen in their upbringing that made them gay?
NATURE AND NURTURE
To answer these questions we need to ditch the word gay first. We will bring it in later, but for now it is best to leave it out. The actual question we’re asking is: Are people born with a same-sex orientation even though they may not realize it until later?
Again, some people come down very strongly on either the nature or the nurture side, presumably because this will help justify their position. If people are born with same-sex attraction, then such attraction is God-given. If they are not born with same-sex attraction, they must have chosen it at some point in their life.
I actually think that both views are overstated. I have read a lot of research by people on both sides of the debate and the most credible conclusion—now widely agreed upon—is that both nature and nurture play a role in cultivating same-sex desires. While multiple studies have investigated a genetic link for same-sex attraction, all of the results remain inconclusive—there is no clear evidence for a clear genetic cause. What we do know is that the question of what causes same-sex attraction is more complex than we realize. The American Psychological Association (APA), for instance, concludes that both nature and nurture have a part in creating same-sex attraction:
There is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian orientation. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play complex roles; most people experience little or no sense of choice about their sexual orientation.1
The most important line here is “nature and nurture both play complex roles.” The APA’s statement is shared by several studies that come to the same conclusion.2 Nature and nurture play a role in forming one’s same-sex desires, and it’s unlikely that one’s desires are produced solely by any one biological or societal factor.
Likewise, it’s true that some people who have a same-sex orientation had been sexually abused. Therefore, many people like to say that this is always the root cause of same-sex desires. But again, same-sex desires are rarely the by-product of any single cause. After all, what about all the people who have been sexually abused yet end up straight? Or what about the LGBT people who actually had a very good upbringing? (I’ve met quite a few.) If sexual abuse automatically caused same-sex attraction, then you would expect it to happen all the time, or at least most of the time. But the facts don’t support this.
A good friend of mine is totally straight; he doesn’t experience any same-sex desires. He’s married to a beautiful wife, has two kids, teaches Bible at a Christian university. Still, when he was a young teenager, he had an abusive sexual relationship with an older boy for several years. The experience messed him up, and he’s still working through the implications. But his experience didn’t automatically create same-sex desires in him. Same-sex behavior, even abuse, doesn’t always lead to same-sex attraction.
Nature and nurture both play a complex role in forming same-sex desires. It seems wrongheaded to try to locate the cause of same-sex attraction entirely in either nature or nurture.
Plus, there are many feelings and desires that you think are inborn but have actually been shaped more by the environment you grow up in. Why is it, for instance, that most American boys are attracted to girls with big boobs and skinny waists? You may think it’s because they are simply boys—good old, heterosexual boys. But in other cultures, men are more attracted to heavy-set women than skinny women, and the size of boobs is largely irrelevant except for the hungry infant.
I’ll never forget hearing about my cousin’s experience as a missionary in Papua New Guinea. She said that she could’ve walked around without a shirt, and the native men wouldn’t have batted an eye. But if she wore jeans in public, there’s a good chance she would arouse the men, even if she wore a large coat that covered her chest. In that culture, a woman’s pelvic area, though covered in denim, is much more provocative than a woman’s breasts, even if her breasts were as bare as Eve’s.
The fact is, one’s culture subconsciously influences our desires. Anthropologist Pat Caplan says, “What people want, and what they do, in any society, is to a large extent what they are made to want, and allowed to do. Sexuality . . . cannot escape its cultural connection.”3 Our desires and choices are never independent from our cultural influences—influences that are usually unnoticed. The lines between our choice, our biology, and influences from our culture are often blurred and tough to separate completely.
In some cases, biology doesn’t shape choices; choices shape biology. A few years ago, I talked with a physician-scientist friend of mine who has researched this topic extensively. I learned from him that neuroscientists have discovered that certain actions and habits can actually physically alter the shape of your brain. This is based on the brain’s plasticity, which:
Refers to alterations in neural pathways and synapses which are due to changes in behavior, environment and neural processes, as well as changes resulting from bodily injury. The brain actually changes, neurons shift and grow, chemical levels rise or fall, depending upon experiences, actions and patterns acquired throughout the course of our lives.4
Certain behaviors, if practiced over time, can change the size and shape of our brain. Porn addicts, for instance, alter their brain through excessive use of porn. If all we did was look at the biology and saw different types of brains in porn addicts, we could conclude that such addiction is the by-product of their anatomy. But actually, their anatomy is the by-product of their behavior.5
I’m not saying that same-sex behavior will reconfigure your brain. That’s not my point. But I am saying that the interplay between biology and choice, nature and nurture, desire and action, is incredibly complex and it is unhelpful (and unscientific) to try to pin down same-sex attraction as just the by-product of the way people are born.
The one lesson I’ve learned is that the claim “I was born gay, and therefore it’s okay” is not only theologically wrong; it is scientifically naive.
DOES IT MATTER?
It’s important to understand that solving the nature-versus-nurture question doesn’t solve the ethical question. Just because someone is born with a particular desire—even a seemingly fixed desire—doesn’t mean it is automatically moral to act on that desire.
I love how affirming writer Justin Lee puts it:
Just because an attraction or drive is biological doesn’t mean it’s okay to act on . . . We all have inborn tendencies to sin in any number of ways. If gay people’s same-sex attractions were inborn, that wouldn’t necessarily mean it’s okay to act on them, and if we all agreed that gay sex is sinful, that wouldn’t necessarily mean that same-sex attractions aren’t inborn. “Is it a sin?” and “Does it have biological roots?” are two completely separate questions.6
I think Justin is spot on here. And Justin is the leader of the Gay Christian network; coming down hard on the nature side might help his cause. Still, Justin has chosen good reason over bad arguments to support his view.
The same goes for John Corvino, another affirming writer, who says:
The fact is that there are plenty of genetically influenced traits that are nevertheless undesirable. Alcoholism may have a genetic basis, but it doesn’t follow that alcoholics ought to drink excessively. Some people may have a genetic predisposition to violence, but they have no more right to attack their neighbors than anyone else. Persons with such tendencies cannot say “God made me this way” as an excuse for acting on their dispositions.7
So even if all the medical research showed that same-sex desires were biological (which it doesn’t), this still wouldn’t mean that it’s okay to act on those desires. Biblical Christianity has always taught that people are born with a sin nature, which affects our whole being: our intellect, bodies, emotions, and desires. Paul describes humanity as those who live “in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the flesh and the mind” (Eph. 2:3). We have passions and desires that are etched into the fabric of our “flesh,” a term that most often denotes “our sin nature.” Likewise, Jeremiah says, “The heart”—the core of our desires and affections—“is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). Earlier the prophet said that our sin is “engraved on the tablet of our heart” (17:1) and etched into our being like spots on a leopard’s coat (Jer. 13:13). Ezekiel says that the human heart is made of stone and is dead (Ezek. l 36:26–27). This doesn’t mean that all of our desires and passions are wrong. But it does mean that some of them very well could be, and we need God’s revelation to sort out which ones are right and which ones are sin.
Again, the logic that if same-sex desires are biological they are therefore okay to act on is not a Christian logic. Remember the words of Lee: “ ‘Is it a sin?’ and ‘Does it have biological roots?’ are two completely separate questions.”
Now someone could agree with this but argue that Christians have redeemed hearts and renewed passions. Therefore, if a Christian still has same-sex attraction after getting saved, then these desires are the product of, not antithetical to, God’s redeeming work.
For this logic to work, though, we must in principle affirm every postconversion desire that springs from the hearts of Christians, since their hearts have been redeemed.
That would be scary.
The fact is, Christians still struggle with sinful desires, even though we have been redeemed from sin. Paul commands the Christians at Rome: “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions” (Rom. 6:12). This command would be ridiculous—a waste of parchment—unless the Roman Christians were obeying the sinful passions of their sin nature. Paul tells the Galatians that the “desires of the Spirit are against the flesh,” and the Spirit works “to keep you from doing the things you want to do” (Gal. 5:17). That is, sometimes what we “want to do” is at odds with what God’s Spirit says we should do. This side of heaven, our desires cannot be fully trusted.
Christian theology has always taught that our desires are tainted by sin and are terrible instructors of morality. The fact that people, even Christians, have same-sex desires does not change the ethical question: Is it God’s will to act on those desires?
WHAT DOES GAY MEAN?
Let’s come back to the term gay. I said that I don’t think it’s helpful to use this term in the nature-versus-nurture debate. We need first to understand how gay relates to other concepts such as same-sex attraction, same-sex orientation, and same-sex behavior.8
Same-sex attraction refers to “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to” someone of the same sex and includes other nonsexual relational bonds such as “affection between partners, shared goals and values, mutual support, and ongoing commitment” (APA).9 Such attractions are not chosen or created by the person. They are simply felt. If you are straight, then ask yourself: When did you choose your opposite-sex desires? The fact is, you didn’t. At some point in the sixth grade, you saw that girl with the soft blond hair or that boy with a cute smile and you felt something. The feelings came upon you. The same is true of same-sex attraction.
Whether or not this attraction was shaped by nurture or produced by nature doesn’t change the fact that when the person first experiences such attractions, they do not consciously choose them. It’s not as if they woke up one day as a thirteen-year-old and made a conscious decision: “I think I’ll be attracted to . . . let’s see. How about . . . boys.” Why would any junior high kid choose that? Most schools are not very sympathetic to boys who like boys or girls who like girls. Even if it is cool to be viewed as gay in some schools, one’s sexual impulses will eventually trump coolness and reveal that they really are straight.
Same-sex orientation is sometimes used as a synonym for same-sex attraction, and I’ll use it synonymously in my following discussion. Technically, however, same-sex orientation usually conveys a stronger, more fixed attraction. It basically refers to “the amount and persistence of their own attraction.”10 In other words, someone could experience some level of same-sex attraction while not being same-sex oriented, but everyone who is same-sex oriented experiences same-sex attraction. It is always important to recognize that same-sex attraction is not limited to sexual attractions and cannot be equated with a desire for sex.
Same-sex behavior refers to acting on one’s same-sex attraction. This includes lustful thoughts, which are sinful regardless of your orientation, and pursuing sex (or sexual conduct) with someone of the same sex—something not every same-sex attracted person does. For what it’s worth, the Bible only directly addresses, and prohibits, homosexual sex and not same-sex attraction. But we’ll explore this a bit more in the next chapter. Same-sex behavior, unlike same-sex attraction or orientation, is a choice.
So how does the term gay (or lesbian) relate to same-sex attraction, same-sex orientation, and same-sex behavior? It all depends on the person using the term. Some people use the term gay in a strong sense of capturing their core identity, while others use the term in a soft sense to describe their experiences as a same-sex attracted person. For the latter, gay is a virtual synonym for “same-sex attraction” or “orientation.” The term gay does not in itself mean that someone is engaging in same-sex behavior or thinks that it would be right to do so—even in the context of marriage.
When talking about homosexuality, it is absolutely crucial to distinguish between same-sex orientation (or attraction) and same-sex behavior.
For instance, a friend of mine who is attracted to the same sex has never engaged in sexual behavior. He is a Christian who is committed to lifelong celibacy because he believes that same-sex behavior is a sin. He told me about a painful experience he had when he came out to his elders. When he told them that he was attracted to the same sex, some of them responded: “We can’t approve of your lifestyle.”
Lifestyle? What lifestyle? His lifestyle was marked by sexual purity—he had never even kissed another person. The elders confused same-sex attraction with same-sex behavior. Or they assumed that if someone is attracted to the same sex, then they must be “really gay” and therefore having lots of gay sex and marching in gay parades. This is why the words we use are so important. And this is why actually listening to what a person is saying is even more important. Same-sex attraction and same-sex behavior are two different things. While someone may experience same-sex attraction, this does not mean they are engaging in same-sex behavior.
It is so important to get to know what people mean when they say, “I am gay” or “I am lesbian.” Labels are easy; relationships are hard work. Quick categorizations are anemic; listening to one’s narrative is rich and exhilarating. And it is much more Christian.
Just the other day, a pastor friend of mine got a text from a woman checking out his church, which said:
Hello, I’m looking for a church that will accept my daughter as a lesbian . . . If you are that church please let me know, we would love to come to a church where she is not shamed.
How would you respond to this text? Some people would simply say, “Thank you for your text. While we would love for you to visit, you must know that we do not accept lesbians in our church.” But would Jesus respond this way? “Thank you for your text, Zacchaeus. While I would love for you to visit, you must know that we do not accept tax collectors in our church.”
What would a Christian response look like? There are a couple things we need to know before we reply to this text.
First, what does she mean by “lesbian”? Is she attracted to the same sex or engaging in same-sex behavior? If so, is she married? And how long has she been out as a lesbian? And does she call herself a lesbian, or is it just her mother’s label? All of these are important questions to answer before you fire off a text about your stance on homosexuality. Chances are, there is a story here that is worth getting to know before you answer the question.
Second, what does she mean by “accept”? Does she mean accepting all forms of sexual behavior? (In which case, many straight people aren’t “accepted” at his church.) Or does “accept” mean accepting her humanity? Notice that she correlates nonacceptance with being shamed. Why does her mother fear that a Christian church might shame her? Have churches shamed her in the past? Chances are, they have.
My good friend Lesli (the one who grew up transgender) gave me some good advice that I think would help us respond to this text. Lesli constantly befriends people who are LGBT, and they often ask her, “Do you think homosexuality is a sin?” Knowing firsthand all the baggage that underlies the question, Lesli learned how to respond with relational savvy: “That’s a good question, and I want to answer it. Can I buy you coffee every week for the next four weeks so that we can get to know each other first? I want to know your story, and I want you to know mine. And then we can talk about our question.”11
Lesli is not avoiding the question. She simply knows that there is so much pain, anger, and misunderstanding that drives the question. If she simply answered yes to the question “Is homosexuality a sin?” it would for some people immediately translate into “gay people are abominations, disgusting, and the worst of all sinners.” The simple yes to the question, when filtered through a life story that probably contains dehumanizing words from Christians, will mean something very different than what Lesli intends.
And the same might be true for the mother who sent my pastor friend that text. Will you accept my daughter, or will you shame her as a perverted, subhuman “other”? You can’t actually answer that question without getting to know her and understanding what she means. Here is one way he could respond that I think would be both loving and faithful:
Thanks for your text! I’m very excited that you and your daughter are interested in coming to our church. Since God accepts all people, even straight people, yes of course, we would accept your daughter. But I would love to sit down with you and your daughter to hear her story and let her know more about our church and the God we worship. Can I buy you both a coffee?
Maybe the mother would think he’s blowing off her question and would move on to another church. But chances are, she would take him up on the offer and end up encountering the scandalous grace of God from the heart of a pastor who cared enough to listen to their story.
TIP OF THE ICEBERG
You see, the text message was a mere tip of the iceberg, as it usually is when people come out. A pastoral approach that only looks at the tip, yet fails to explore the larger story, will fail to love people the way Jesus does. This is so important for parents, friends, family, or anyone else who has a loved one who comes out as gay. Most people get shipwrecked in how they approach the declaration because they don’t listen to the story lying beneath the waters.12
Imagine with me for a moment. Picture yourself in the seventh grade, and while all your friends are hankering after the opposite sex, for some reason you feel nothing. You don’t fit the stereotype of how a boy or girl should act. Soon, your “friends” realize that you are different, and they let you know it. Your name becomes “fag” or “dyke” or “homo,” and even your family begins to act weird around you. They too know something is wrong, but it’s too awkward for you and them to talk about it. Silence and strange looks replace what once was love.
So you try to meet new friends at church. But your church friends don’t act much differently. You see people whispering to each other with grins as they stare at you from across the room. You try to talk to people, but you are met with superficial conversations and it’s clear that people want nothing more than to escape your presence. After all, if they linger around you too long, they too may be considered “different.”
You pray, you cry, you beg God to change your desires, but nothing happens. You feel alone, depressed, and unvalued. You hear kids use the term gay to describe music they don’t like or clothes they would never wear. And last Sunday at church, the pastor made several off-handed remarks about those “abominations” who are corrupting our society and are after our children. So you wonder, “Am I going to turn into a pedophile? Is that where these desires will lead? Could God love someone as disgusting as me?”
Then you meet a friend. A real friend. Someone who looks you in the eye and listens to your story. You don’t talk about your pain, not yet at least. But there’s this weird sense that your new friend already knows your story. Finally, after weeks of hanging out, your friend takes your hand and leans into you with a stare that pierces your soul and says, “I know you have a lot of pain built up and that people have hurt you and made you feel terrible. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. If you need anything, let me know. I think you’re a wonderful and beautiful person, and you have so much to offer. I enjoy being around you, and I’ll be here for you—no matter what.”
Soon, your friend introduces you to several other friends who also care for you. They welcome you with open arms into their community and reaffirm their love and commitment to you. Several of these friends are gay; others are not. But all of them accept you for who you are and make you feel like you are actually human—and valuable. And none of them seem like the abominations that Christians say they are. Around them, you can be yourself. You can talk about your pain. You can talk about your fears. And you can be open about your same-sex attraction without being observed as a creep. After all, several of these new friends feel the same way.
But you want to give this Christian thing one last shot. Deep down you want to love the Christian God, but you can’t love a God who could never love you back. So you go to church and knock on the pastor’s door and say, “Pastor . . . um . . . I’m gay, and I want to know if I can still come to church?”
This is the tip of the iceberg.
Now imagine that you are that pastor. What do you say? Do you confront? Do you give your stance on homosexuality? Do you quote Leviticus?
No. Instead, you listen. You ask questions. You look beneath the waters. You learn about the deep, painful, joyful, confusing story that has driven this marvelous soul from church and now back to church. You look them in the eye. You take them by the hand. You smile, you cry, you hug, and you show the love of Christ that drew tax collectors and sinners to him. “Thanks for being so honest with me. I’m honored that you would be willing to share this with me. I’m sorry that I haven’t gotten to know you better. Can I take you out to coffee? I’ve got another appointment right now, but let me cancel it. There’s nothing I’d rather do right now than just get to know you better.”
Yes, you confront. You confront with the otherworldly love of Christ, which is far superior and way more humanizing than any other love they will find in the world. Or so we say.
The point is, people don’t just wake up one day and say, “I think I’m going to be gay.” The journey from experiencing same-sex attraction to engaging in same-sex behavior or embracing a gay identity is not a quick and simple one. The declaration “I am gay,” especially in the strong sense of one’s core identity, often stands upon a massive block of ice submerged beneath the sea—especially with kids who grow up in the church. Until you understand that deeper narrative, you won’t understand why they have come out as gay. If you only address the declaration—“You can come to church, but you’ll have to stop being gay”—there’s a good chance you’ll only confirm that true love and value is found outside the church.
This scenario, of course, is only one of many possible reasons why someone ends up leaving the church and embracing a gay identity in place of a Christian identity. In my experience, though, it’s frighteningly common. Having listened to countless stories of LGBT people, I now understand better why people with same-sex attraction have left the church in search of love. Because people will gravitate to where they are loved the most. And if the world out-loves the church, then we have implicitly nudged our children away from the loving arms of Christ.