q&a with debbie and joan . . .
Real people with real questions about real issues with their mothers and daughters.
I hate talking to my mom because when I hang up the phone or leave the conversation, I never feel good about myself. She always interrupts me, and there are times I can detect she’s not listening to what I’m saying. I can’t safely go to my mom with my problems and actually feel heard and helped, so I’ve learned to just shut down and say “Everything’s fine” when she asks me about my life. She’s astonished that we’re not close, but how can we be when she doesn’t listen to me or really see me? How can I be loving in these moments?
It’s hard to have a mother who isn’t a good listener. No matter how old we are, we all long for attunement from Mom—we want to know we are seen and heard. Yet our mothers are real people who may not have the ability to listen well. You say you never feel good about yourself after talking to her. What is the core belief about yourself that gets triggered? Maybe it is “I don’t have value” or “I’m not important.” Whatever it is, acknowledge it, and then ask God what he would say about that belief. The more you can soak in the reality that he sees you, hears you, and values you, the less your conversations with your mom will hurt. You will be able to let her actions be more about her than about you. Knowing and experiencing that you are loved and known by God, you will be more able to extend love and grace to your mom in all her imperfection.
Have you tried shifting the focus of the conversation at the moment you feel unheard? To do this, change the topic from whatever you were talking about to your mother’s behavior. For example, “Mom, just now when I shared something that was important to me, you ignored what I said and went on to something else. I felt unheard and unimportant. It made me want to shut down.”
If catching her in the moment is not comfortable for you, pray for courage and plan a time to have an honest conversation with her. It sounds as if she wants to understand why you are not close, so she may be interested in having this discussion. Be sure to tell her that you love her and that your motive is not to make her feel bad, but to have a close relationship. Also, be sure to give specific examples. You will need patience and God’s compassion for her and for yourself. Even if she expresses a desire to change, she will not do it overnight.
I have a great relationship with my mom, but I’m currently in a marriage crisis and she’s the only one I haven’t told. I don’t want her to worry about me, and even more, I don’t want her to turn against my husband. My mom would be devastated if she knew I was going through something so painful and I wasn’t letting her walk through this experience with me. What do I do? How do I know when the time is right to talk to my mom, and how do I approach it in a way that helps me and doesn’t hurt her? Am I wrong to have kept this from her for so long?
Even in the most loving relationships, not everything needs to be shared. You have stated two legitimate reasons why it might not be wise to disclose your marital crisis to your mother, at least right now. First, you don’t want her to worry. It is true that mothers often feel deep pain or fear when their daughters are going through something difficult. Maybe you believe this will be too heavy a burden on her. Or perhaps you are concerned you will need to emotionally care for her at a time when you are already so stretched. Second, you don’t want her to turn against your husband. It can be difficult for a mother to hear how her son-in-law has hurt her daughter and not hold resentment toward him. Your concerns are valid. During this time of crisis, you need to take care of yourself and rely on supporters who can stay emotionally grounded and who can cheer for the marriage, not just take your side.
Perhaps as you read this, you realize that your mom does have the capability to manage her own worries and to forgive and accept your husband. If so, then you may want to go to her now and openly tell her the concerns that kept you from sharing sooner, while expressing your confidence in her. Alternatively, if there is any reason that telling your mom now will add to your burden—even if it is just your inability to not worry about her—then please wait. This is a time to heal yourself and your marriage. We imagine that, ultimately, that is your mother’s greatest wish.
My mom is constantly oversharing about different parts of her life (sex, money, personal issues, and frustrations with my dad and siblings). I don’t want to know most of this information! Since there’s no indication she is going to change, can you suggest a healthy way to get her to stop these personal discussions? And if not, what’s the best way to respond when she brings this stuff up?
Maybe your mother doesn’t realize how inappropriate her sharing is. Try having a conversation with her that is kind but firm, letting her know that you don’t want to talk to her about these personal subjects. If she continues to bring them up in conversation, be a broken record, repeatedly saying, “Mom, please don’t talk to me about . . .” until she gets the message. If she still ignores you, you may have to set stronger boundaries like leaving the room or politely hanging up the phone.
Can you suggest ways for me to continue a thriving and growing relationship with my adult daughters? How can I initiate conversations with them that encourage them to open up to me? Are there universal things that we can do to cultivate a deeper relationship during this stage of life? After all, this stage is a lot longer than when they’re kids.
An important thing to remember with your adult daughters is that your role has changed. It’s time to give the primary responsibility for their ongoing parenting over to God. A common complaint grown-up daughters have about their mothers is this: “Anytime I tell my mom anything, she tells me what to do or gives me advice.” It is no longer your job to solve their problems. Instead, listen well, validate their feelings, and let them be responsible for their own lives. When they share their struggles, give responses such as “That’s a tough situation. What options are you considering?” or “You are strong, and I know you will figure this out.” Show them the same respect you would any other adult.
To encourage your daughter to open up, listen, listen, listen, and show understanding. Try inviting her to speak by asking a few open-ended questions, but if she shows unwillingness to talk, avoid grilling her. One wise mom found that if she sat on the couch and knit, her teens would gravitate to her when they wanted to talk. If you have a history of not listening well, you may have to wait for your daughter to let down her walls and share. Grab that opportunity to display your best listening skills.[32] Be silent, respectful, and openhearted until she finishes speaking. Rather than jumping in with your thoughts, reflect back what you heard, especially any emotion she has expressed. “Sounds like that was hard/embarrassing/scary . . .” Try to see things through her eyes, even if you don’t agree with her thinking. Avoid giving advice unless she asks for it. Avoid making it a teaching situation until after she feels fully heard.
Beyond that, be your daughters’ biggest cheerleader. Celebrate them for the unique people God has made them to be. See past their current imperfections to who they are becoming. The world will give them plenty of criticism and correction, but you can be the person who makes them feel deeply known and unconditionally loved.
Be authentic with your daughters, but remember that you are still their mom. Try to balance enjoying time with your daughters with cultivating other relationships, so you don’t lean too heavily on them. Invite, don’t guilt. Offer opportunities for fun times together, but allow them to say no. If you sense hurts or resentments in either of you, bring them into the open so they can be healed.
Most of all, enjoy and be grateful for your daughters. They are imperfect, just as you are, but a mom’s relationship with her adult daughter can be one of the biggest blessings in life!
My daughter has made it clear that she thinks my husband and I favor our son over her. We really tried hard not to do that. We believe we treated them very much the same as we raised them. Sometimes it seems as if nothing is ever enough. How do I help her understand that we really were doing our best?
Push the pause button on trying to convince her of anything and invite her to share her reasons for believing you prefer your son over her. Listen with openness and curiosity. Hopefully, she will be able to get to the root of her belief, possibly one or more memories that hold this belief in place. The incidents she relates may seem small or illogical to you. You may want to defend yourself or tell her you had good intentions, but stop yourself and just listen to her. Avoid minimizing (“That was silly”) or defending (“We didn’t mean it that way”). Instead, validate her experience with statements like “That must have been hard,” or “I can see why you would have felt that way.” Apologize for anything you may have done or said, even if you had the best intentions at the time, and reassure her that you love her. The more you can create a safe space for her to explore her memories and feelings, the more likely it is that she will find healing as you walk alongside her. If this is difficult for the two of you to do alone, a third party such as a therapist could be very helpful.
When is a mother allowed to speak up about things in her daughters’ lives? Are you allowed to express your opinions, or do you just have to accept and support all their choices?
It takes wisdom and discernment to know when to speak up and when to bite your tongue. Of course, you are always “allowed” to speak up and express your opinions, but ask yourself what effect your words will have. Remember that every good relationship is built on respect. You don’t have to agree with your adult daughter’s choices, but we suggest you respect her right to make them. Expressing your opinion to your daughter by saying, “I think you would be making a mistake by taking that job, but I’m here for you no matter what you decide to do” is very different from trying to control her by saying, “Don’t take that job.” A good rule-of-thumb question to ask yourself is “What would I say to a friend, and how would I say it?” Another tactic that shows respect is to ask, “Do you want my thoughts or advice on this?”
How do you learn to communicate with each other when you have very different styles of communicating and different love languages? My daughter and I are completely different. I want to strengthen our relationship by communicating in her language, but I don’t have that language. What do I do?
You will do your daughter a great service if you can understand and celebrate the ways she is different from you. The 5 Love Languages[33] is a great resource that can help you identify her love languages and learn what she needs from you. For instance, if her love language is “words of affirmation” but you never compliment her or affirm the good things she does, you will miss opportunities to connect with her. You say you don’t have her language, but you can choose to speak her language, even if it’s not yours. Put away your assumptions of who you think she is and invite her to show you who she really is. For further exploration, you may want to learn about other ways of categorizing and understanding personality differences, such as the Myers-Briggs types, Kendall Life Languages, or Enneagram. You could research on your own or make it a fun family project. A good resource for the Myers-Briggs types is Please Understand Me[34] by David Keirsey.