3: every woman carries her mother’s mark

Looking back allows us to see the imprint of where we began.

SUZANNE ELLER

“JOANIE, YOU ARE YOUR MOTHER’S DAUGHTER.”

My childhood friend Nancy and I stood, coffee mugs in hand, watching our newly acquainted children play in the backyard of my small house. Neighborhood children had come to join the fun, and they had rearranged the patio furniture under blankets to build a fort. Toys were strewn everywhere.

Nancy took a sip of coffee and shook her head in wonder. “This is just how it was when we were kids.”

For better or for worse, we tend to imitate our mothers. We may cook our eggs . . . just the way they did. We may overbuy at Christmas . . . just the way they did. We may be argumentative . . . just the way they were. We may always remember to send birthday cards . . . just the way they did.

Why did our mothers have such a profound effect on us? Why did they have so much power to bless us or to wound us? It is because, as children, we were pliable and impressionable. The people and the circumstances of our early lives have the greatest impact on who we will become and how we will relate to the world and others. For almost every child, the first and deepest imprinting takes place in connection to his or her mother.

What are imprints? Imprints are the programming, the indelible mark someone leaves on another person. They are part of our blueprint for life—a complex engraving of good and bad and everything in between. They hold our strengths and they hold our wounds. They exist in the realm of beliefs and also on physical levels that include our bodies, the structure and functioning of our brains, and our nervous systems. Our early experiences sear patterns into our souls as powerfully as a hot branding iron, and these patterns can influence us throughout our lives.

Mothers may leave the most profound imprints on their daughters, but we all leave lasting impressions wherever we go.

Ruth Harms Calkin captures this idea poetically in these lines from “Heartprints.”

Whatever our hands touch—

We leave fingerprints!

On walls, on furniture

On doorknobs, dishes, books.

There’s no escape.

As we touch we leave our identity.

O God, wherever I go today

Help me to leave heartprints!

Heartprints of compassion,

Of understanding and love.

Heartprints of kindness

And genuine concern.[4]

What a beautiful expression of good, positive imprints! Yes, our mothers have left their heartprints on us—blessings and wounds—because their lives have touched ours. While being grateful for the positive, we need to recognize what has been negative, so we can work to change the unhealthy ways we have learned to cope. When we do, we can more readily leave positive, life-giving marks on others.

IMPRINTING STARTS EARLY

Here’s something difficult to wrap our minds around: Heartprints start forming from the moment you are conceived in your mother’s womb. At that time, your mother contributes twenty-three chromosomes containing genes that give your body a blueprint for growth. These twenty-three chromosomes, combined with the twenty-three chromosomes from your father, define you genetically—your coloring, your body type, your vulnerability to certain diseases (like breast cancer or alcoholism), and your entire physical makeup.

For the nine months you are in the womb, your mother continues to have an immeasurable impact on you. If she listens to relaxing music, you get the neurochemicals that help you feel calm and relaxed. If she drinks coffee, you receive the effects of caffeine. If she is afraid, you experience the adrenaline. Your body begins to adapt to the chemical and hormonal environment she provides, whether it is nurturing and safe or stressful and dangerous.

At birth, your brain forms according to your relationship with your mother (or whoever is acting as primary caretaker). The brain grows or severs neural connections, changing structurally according to a child’s relationship with Mom. If Mom is fairly responsive and reliable, the child’s brain sculpts to expect safety in relationships. If Mom is neglectful, abusive, or inconsistent, the child’s brain adapts and becomes hypersensitive to the possibility of danger. Before you have any words or context to describe it, your body develops an orientation to the world—an expectation of whether others will be loving and consistent or erratic, neglectful, and harmful. A relational template is laid.

As we began to work on this book and Joan began sharing these facts with me, I (Debbie) sat in amazement. Things seemed to click into place. Could my mother’s inconsistency with me explain why I grew up with unreasonable fears? As strange as it sounds, I was afraid to take a shower, and I hadn’t even seen the movie Psycho! I took baths because there was no noise from streaming water to prevent me from hearing everything around me. From a young age I didn’t feel safe, but I never knew where the fear actually came from. Most of the time, the panic was unfounded, but it still overwhelmed me. This fear was my personal secret.

As Joan and I talked, I began to realize that I didn’t need to blame myself or be ashamed of my fear. Interestingly enough, I took my first shower at age seventeen—the night I received Christ. For a moment, as the water flowed over me, all my anxiety washed away. To be honest, the fear has recurred off and on through my life. Now each time it occurs, I take fearful little Debbie straight to the throne of Jesus and ask him for more deep and lasting inner healing.

OUR MOTHERS’ IMPRINTS AFFECT OUR IDENTITIES

In my counseling practice, I (Joan) have become aware of how profoundly a mother impacts her daughter’s life. Our earliest beliefs about ourselves start with our mothers. They are the first mirrors in which we see ourselves; we learn who we are by what we see reflected in their eyes. If they view us as precious, we believe we are precious. If they find us annoying or too much to handle, we assume that viewpoint. If they think we are better than every other child and entitled to special treatment, we adopt that self-concept.

In our early years, we don’t have the ability to discern what is true from what is not. Our mothers’ ideas about us leave an impression like a hand pressed into wet cement. We are highly sensitive to their emotions, actions, and words, and they engrave our souls with a working theory of who we are.

Beliefs also form from verbal cues; when we hear loving words, we begin to think I am lovable. But for the first few years of life, we don’t have words. The parts of our brains that hold words and beliefs are still developing. This is why our healing needs to be deeper than words.

Because of her own mother’s rejection, Debbie internalized the belief that she was not valuable. Her many successes in life were temporary salve but did not heal that deeply held conviction. Later in life, when she faced rejection from others, the lie that had been planted in her as a child came flooding back in full force, causing her immense pain and self-doubt.

Although Debbie was a Christian, quoting Bible verses to her at that time would have been as effective as putting a Band-Aid on a hemorrhaging wound. She knew all those verses but needed to ask God to do a deep work in her soul, replacing the core lie that she is not valuable with the truth that she is his beloved daughter and he is well pleased with her. I often hear clients say, “I know the right answer. I know the Bible teaches that I am loved (or valuable or safe or significant), but it doesn’t feel true. I know it in my head, but not in my heart.” Women who have studied the Bible for years and know its truths will often feel guilty that they can’t wholeheartedly believe that they are who God says they are, or that they can’t find a way to live from those truths.

Why do we experience this inner struggle? I like to imagine our souls as pieces of paper. Sometimes the truth of Scripture falls on us like ink on a fresh sheet—it is a revelation, and we can accept it with undivided joy. However, more often we are like a page filled with words; notes left by our earlier experiences may contradict or jumble the message of biblical truth. They are like ugly scribblings scratched on a beautiful page, detrimental to our spiritual lives and our relationships. When we hear Scripture at this point, it’s no wonder that we can’t accept the truth—there is no space to see it on the page.

Over time, I (Debbie) began to learn that we must rely on God to erase the false messages that we have believed. When thinking of our identities, we must realize that what defines us is what will drive us. Who do we think we are? How do we define our place in this world? If we define ourselves by what Scripture says about us, we will be confident and experience growing freedom in Christ—to do his will and live for him. But if not, we will constantly be measuring ourselves with a faulty ruler. We will be driven to prove ourselves, if only to ourselves. The effect of rejection or neglect is described beautifully by Henri Nouwen:

Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. . . . When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. . . . As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking: “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” . . . My dark side says: “I am no good. . . . I deserved to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned.” Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.[5]

The lies and half-truths that have been imprinted on us hold us in bondage to a negative and less-than-biblical self-perception. An identity of being worthless does not align with God’s truth of our value as his creation, or more specifically for Christians, as his new creations. Throughout the Bible, God gives people new names that represent their new identities because of their relationships with him. Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah, and Cephas became Peter.

It is important to identify the false messages and how they have been affecting our adult lives. As you begin this journey, ask God’s Spirit to guide you into all truth of who he really believes you are.

When He, the Spirit of Truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth [full and complete truth].

JOHN 16:13, AMP

OUR MOTHERS’ IMPRINTS AFFECT OUR INTIMACY PATTERNS

“Please talk to me,” April pleaded with her husband of five years. Like most women, she longed for a husband who was present, loving, and caring. Instead, she ended up married to a man who remained detached and aloof, much like the mother she grew up with.

How did I let this happen? she wondered. How could I have “married” my mother?

The deep, body-level presumption of whether or not the world is safe, of whether we can trust others to “be there” for us and meet our needs, starts at birth and is known as an attachment style. It is how we habitually relate to others—our fallback pattern for intimacy or lack of intimacy. Studies have shown that children between the ages of nine and eighteen months already tend to display one of four attachment styles in relationship with their mothers.[6]

  1. Secure attachment: These children have a basic trust that Mother will “be there” for them. If their mothers leave the room, they are distressed, but then are easily comforted when their mothers return. In general, they are calm and happy. Because they feel that their mothers are a safe base that they can return to at any time, they feel comfortable venturing out and exploring their worlds.

    Children develop a secure attachment style when their mothers are for the most part available to meet their needs for food, comfort, and connection. Though there will be times when the mother is unavailable, the child has developed a basic trust that she will return.

  2. Anxious attachment: These children display a highly emotional push-pull with their mothers. If the mother leaves the room and then returns, the child is difficult to console. The child wants to reach for her mother and reconnect, yet at the same time is angry that she left, sometimes even rejecting her advances. Because the child is anxious, rather than trusting that the mother will physically or emotionally be there for her, the child has a harder time moving away from the mother to explore her environment.

    This attachment style can result when a mother is inconsistent in her physical presence and care for the child. It also can result from an insensitivity to what the child is trying to convey or from anxiety in the mother herself. The mother might be preoccupied with other things or overly attentive because of her own anxieties or vacillate between the two. Children with anxious attachment seem to be more agitated than those who have secure attachment.

  3. Avoidant attachment: These children show very little emotion and don’t seem to care when their mothers leave the room. There is not a big difference between how they respond to their mothers and how they respond to strangers. When the mother returns to the room, the child tends to avoid or ignore her. Unlike the child with anxious attachment who seems to be agitated, as though there is always a foot on her emotional gas pedal, this child seems numbed, as though there is a foot on her emotional brake.

    This style develops when a mother is self-absorbed or rejecting. The child tries crying, tries engaging, seeks to have Mother “be there” for her, but eventually learns that her attempts don’t yield results, so she gives up and shuts down. She may be fed and changed, but she learns to expect that her mother won’t see her, play with her, or attune to her in the way she needs.

  4. Disorganized attachment: A small number of children display behaviors that don’t seem to make any sense. Their behavior is inconsistent and confusing—anxious in one moment, avoidant the next. It is as if there is a foot on the gas and a foot on the brake at the same time.

    This style is the result of abusive or scary early experiences with parents. The child has been put in a double bind because she feels compelled to go to the parent for comfort while feeling compelled to get away from the parent for safety.

If you are a young mother, be encouraged. The truth is, you don’t have to be present 24-7 for your child to thrive. A generally warm, present, responsive mother will give a child a secure attachment style. A secure relationship with Dad and other adults will have a positive impact too.

When a mother doesn’t meet a child’s need for secure attachment, it is often because of reasons beyond her control. It may be circumstantial or due to illness. The mother may be depressed or preoccupied with a personal crisis. Most commonly, she may have never securely attached with her own mother and lacks the capacity to provide something she never received. Whatever the reason, children do their best to survive by adapting to the situation in which they find themselves.

Attachment styles impact our adult relationships. We go into the world with a working model of how we expect things to go. Attachment styles can change over time, and different attachment styles also develop with different people, but the template laid in relationship to your mother is deep and worth examining. For example, a woman with a secure attachment style might make deep friendships easily and find a trustworthy man to love; a woman with an anxious style might drive people away with her constant need for reassurance; and a woman with an avoidant style might feel lonely because she has difficulty allowing people to be close to her.

Keep in mind that our attachment styles can change over time. My (Joan’s) story is an example of this. In my early years, I would have been categorized as having a secure attachment style, but when my father and brother died and my mother was not able to comfort me, I became anxious—longing for comfort from my mother, yet angrily rejecting her. Finally, as I stopped hoping for my mother’s comfort, I pulled back and became avoidantly attached to her. I lost trust that she would “be there” for me emotionally and stuffed my painful feelings away.

Just as negative experiences, such as loss and trauma, can negatively impact our attachment styles and make us less secure, more positive experiences also have a huge impact. Security grows as we learn to trust other family members, teachers, close friends, spouses, and, of course, God. Our early relationships with our mothers are foundational, but they do not determine our fate.

And the best news is, we have God as our ultimate secure attachment. The Bible reveals these things about his character:

Unlike with our earthly parents, who might fail to be there for us, nothing can separate us from God’s love (see Romans 8:38). The more we truly believe these truths about God, the more we will feel deep physical peace, resting like a baby who knows that her mother is not far away.

Read this passage slowly and let the truth wash over you:

Listen to me, [fill in your name here]. . . .

I have cared for you since you were born.

Yes, I carried you before you were born.

I will be your God throughout your lifetime—

until your hair is white with age.

I made you, and I will care for you.

I will carry you along and save you.

ISAIAH 46:3-4

Though we were formed in our mothers’ wombs, God has been with us since the moment of conception, weaving us together, upholding us, making us for his purposes. After we were born, he was the unseen one carrying us. And as we grow older, he is still with us, sustaining and guiding us.

What about you? As you’ve read this chapter, have any early memories come back to you? It’s never too late for healing. Remember, this process is not to blame or accuse, but only to unveil areas where we still need to heal and be made whole.

Explore Your Story

  1. Read through the following list of positive beliefs you might have about yourself. Be aware of how your body reacts and what thoughts come to mind in response to each one. Are there any that you logically, biblically know are true, but that don’t feel true?
    • I am precious.
    • I am lovable.
    • I am valuable and have worth.
    • I am good enough.
    • I’m okay the way I am.
    • I am capable and can succeed.
    • I am honorable.
    • I deserve respect.
    • I have strength.
    • I have intelligence.
    • I am significant (important).
    • I am connected (not alone).
  2. Spend some time thinking and praying about the beliefs that did not feel true for you. What may have caused those lies to be imprinted in your heart? Bring each one to God, asking him to show you where you have had wrong thinking, and praying that he would renew your mind.
  3. Consider which attachment style you may have developed with your mother in your first two years. If they are available, ask older people who knew you as a baby (parents, grandparents, or older siblings) to describe what you were like. Were you generally happy, or did you cry a lot? Were you clingy, or were you detached? How did you respond when your mother left you with other caretakers?
  4. Reflect on how you attach to other people now. Do you generally feel safe and connected, or are you tentative, insecure, or suspicious?
  5. What traumatic events (losses, deaths, betrayals) throughout your life have had a negative effect on your attachment style?
  6. What healing relationships (friends, communities, surrogate mothers, spouses) have had a positive effect on your attachment style?
  7. What is your attachment style in relationship to God? Are you secure, anxious, or avoidant?

Connect with God

Lord, thank you for carrying me even when I didn’t realize you were with me. I come to you with the deepest parts of me, things I don’t remember, but things you saw firsthand. I am asking you to heal the imprints of my heart, making it possible for my beliefs to be in line with your truth about me. Enable me to attach in healthy ways to other people and to become the secure woman you created me to be. I am grateful for your love, your desire to be involved in my life, and your ability to turn any negative imprint into a new, beautifully healed Godprint. Amen.