4: every woman can live a better story

Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God’s story never ends with “ashes.”

ELISABETH ELLIOT

ARE YOU STILL PROCESSING how you answered the momplications assessment or figuring out how your mother imprinted you? We’ve posed a lot of questions and given you a lot of information to think about in the previous two chapters. And yet we believe that if you put in the time for this self-evaluation, you will reap lasting benefits.

We are still on our journeys. We can look back and see the many ways God has healed us, and we can look forward and see we still have a long way to go. Through our relationships with God, both of us are finding what we were lacking from our mothers.

Here are the assessment questions that made us think long and hard. For me (Joan), one question that jumped out was “Has your mother seemed like a defeated victim of life rather than a victor?” When our family experienced several huge losses, I longed for my mother to show me how to be victorious over that pain. I longed for her to show me the way back to joy, for her to be the parent who could be bigger and stronger and take care of me emotionally. But she could not, so I was left to search for answers on my own.

I (Debbie) paused at the question “Have your interactions with your mother left you believing you are ‘not enough’?” The words not enough have plagued my self-image for as long as I can remember. My mother never said those two words to me, but she spoke that message to my heart through her criticism and disinterest. It didn’t seem as if I could do enough to get her acceptance or earn her love. I longed for a mother who made me feel special and celebrated, or at the very least a mother who noticed my efforts to please her.

A light in the darkness of my childhood was being enrolled in singing and dancing classes. Both of my parents agreed I had talent, and they enjoyed attending my performances at local venues in Los Angeles about two weekends a month. Those weekends were the best. They were the only times my mother seemed remotely pleased. She even smiled at me, fussing with my costume and hair. I treasured her attentiveness on those nights and lived for her applause. I also loved that Daddy wasn’t sitting in a bar—he was there in the audience next to my mom. They appeared happy and seemed proud that I was their daughter. On the way home, we’d stop at a Big Boy restaurant for hot fudge sundaes. Those were good nights.

But off the stage, life was very different. I didn’t get much attention from my mom, and Daddy wasn’t around often, but I found that performance helped me cope with that unmet need. I became an overachiever and people pleaser. Whether it was completing my mom’s list of household chores, getting good grades, or singing on the stage, every achievement seemed to keep the pain and insecurity in my heart from consuming me.

In my senior year of high school, I was surprised to be one of five senior girls chosen for the homecoming court. Mom wasn’t interested in helping me pick out a dress, but she gave me her credit card to purchase one. I drove to the local mall and found a beautiful maroon dress. When I got home, I hung it in my room like a decoration, in anticipation of the big homecoming game.

The Friday night finally came, and as I sat on the back of a convertible heading onto the football field, I was giddy with excitement. I searched the stands for my parents and saw they were both there. Perfect. My escort, a tall and handsome classmate, led me up onto the platform where the others on the homecoming court waited for the reveal and crowning of Aviation High School’s homecoming queen. I didn’t have any expectations. Just knowing my parents were there was enough for me.

Then it happened. My name was blasted over the speakers, the sparkly tiara was placed on my head, and all I could think of was my mom in the stands. She is finally going to be happy and excited for me. Forget my peers—my heart yearned for her attention. I couldn’t wait to get home from the dance to show her my crown and experience her approval.

Mom was asleep when I got home, so I placed my crown on my nightstand and went to bed with a smile on my face. What a day! The next morning, I bounded out of bed, grabbed my crown, and headed to the kitchen, where she was drinking coffee and reading the paper.

“Mom, look. I’m the queen!” I twirled around gleefully.

She looked up, set down her coffee cup, and said flatly, “They must have miscounted the votes.”

I could barely breathe. Without a word, I walked out of the room—crushed beyond belief. I knew then what I had always suspected: I would never be enough for my mother.

Any belief that I was a person of worth died inside me that day. My own mother didn’t like me, and given the chance, she wouldn’t vote for me. Something had to be terribly wrong with me. The insecurity and fear that had been building for years became firmly rooted in my heart and mind.

MINDLESS THINKING

Scientists have discovered that when we are not engaged in a mental task, our brains return to a “default network.” This is the state we are in when we are not thinking about anything in particular. Our imaginations can flow freely, filled with stories we tell ourselves about life, God, our expectations, and our identities. Some of the things we tell ourselves are true, and some are not.

After homecoming night, Debbie’s default network became more negative. There is power in the identities we have assigned to ourselves. Dr. David Eckman said it well: “Identity is that picture we have of ourselves that has been painted across our hearts by our parents, our life experiences, and our culture. The picture determines how I view myself, the world, and God.”[7]

Default thoughts usually happen unconsciously.

Becca was driving to meet two friends for lunch. The radio was on, but she wasn’t paying attention to it. Instead, her mother’s critical voice was inside her head, prompting Becca’s own inner critic. “This outfit is ugly. These pants are getting tight and my stomach is pooching out. I’m disgusting. I wish I were tall and thin like Kristi. She looked amazing in those jeans she had on last time I saw her. Robin, not so much. She really needs to do something about that bush of frizzy hair, and she needs to lose weight.”

Becca pulled her shirt down to hide her bulge. “Maybe I should tell Kristi and Robin I can’t make it today. I will be humiliated if people see me.” She imagined people in the restaurant whispering about her unattractiveness, just as her mother had done, saying things like “Look at the woman over there. Someone should tell her how huge she looks in those pants.” She began to mentally write texts to Kristi and Robin.

“All of a sudden not feeling well.”

“Sorry. Something has come up and I can’t make it.”

She pictured their faces when they read her texts and heard them say with contempt, “Becca is such an ugly loser. I’m glad she’s not coming.” In a matter of minutes, Becca was overcome by loneliness and sadness descending over her like a cloud.

These thoughts and beliefs swirl in our minds, affecting us deeply. Becca’s friends actually enjoyed her company and thought she was quite attractive. However, Becca had heard her mother criticizing herself and other women so often that she had internalized that critical voice. It had become part of Becca’s default network.

YOUR PERSONAL DEFAULT NETWORK

All of us have a default network. What we think impacts how we live for God. However, here’s the good news! Our minds can be renewed.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

ROMANS 12:2

We all have a pattern of thinking that has been developed over the years from a variety of sources, including our family members, culture, schools, friends, etc. If you are told you are loved, you will probably believe you are loved. If you are criticized, there is a good chance you will become critical. If you are told you can’t do something, you may never try. If you are treated like a princess, you most likely will become entitled. If you are ignored and uncared for, you may begin to believe you are worthless. If you are told that the world is a scary place, you will tend to be fearful. If you are lied to about other people and believe the lies, you may become distrustful. If you are lied to about yourself, you may gravitate toward shame or self-doubt. You get the idea. The ways our individual mind-sets have been formed are as unique as we are, but the beauty is that God knows us, even in the deepest recesses of our minds.

Freedom in Christ means speaking truth to ourselves. Any emotional ground our momplications have taken can be reclaimed, and any pattern of thinking that is hurting us can be turned around as our minds are renewed with truth.

Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.

EPHESIANS 4:23

How can we begin to renew our minds and be liberated from the lies that have a grip on us?

GOD WORKS IN UNEXPECTED WAYS

When my (Joan’s) father died, a huge negative shift took place in my default network. My habitual way of seeing myself as safe and cared for changed to a new habitual way of thinking. I began to believe that I was abandoned and alone.

On the night after finding out about his death, I wanted to know what had happened to him. Where was he? Was it possible that he no longer existed? Would I ever see him again? I had frequently attended a Catholic church with my friend Nancy, and through her and other friends I had been exposed to the idea of heaven. Was it possible my dad might be there with God? I hoped so. So I tried an experiment.

I looked up at my bedroom ceiling and said, “God, if you are real, and if my dad is with you, I want you to prove it to me by moving this pencil while I sleep.” I picked up the pencil on my dresser and carefully placed it exactly parallel to my bed. If God moved it, I would know.

The next morning the pencil was exactly as I had left it. Furious, I lashed out at God: “Either you don’t exist or you don’t care about me, so I’m NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IN YOU.” And for the next twenty-one years, I didn’t.

I did my best to find meaning and joy in life, but under all my activity I felt desperately empty and purposeless. I went to New York for college, then moved to San Francisco. I dated, enjoyed friends, traveled, and achieved academic and career success. But the ache inside me remained. I longed for assurance that someone was watching over me, caring for me, and guiding me. I couldn’t shake the sense that I was all alone in the world. Is there a point to my life? If we just live and then die and there is nothing more, why are we here?

I explored self-help workshops, Hinduism, Buddhism, ascended masters, swamis, gurus—anything that might give me answers. Some of them helped or gave me hope for a time, but nothing lasted.

Shortly after my thirtieth birthday, I was in my hometown for the weekend to attend a wedding. Late that evening, I went with a group of other wedding guests to a hole-in-the-wall bar. As we sat laughing and talking, the bartender came up to our group and said, “Are any of you Joan?” Surprised, I identified myself, and he told me I had a telephone call.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Joanie! It’s Diane!” I was dumbfounded. As a little girl, Diane would often come to my house to find refuge from her own imperfect family. It was a short walk from her house to ours, and she spent almost all her free time with us. She was like another sister to me.

“How in the world did you know I was in town? How did you know I was at this bar?” I was awed by the unlikeliness of her phone call.

“I’m in town to visit my mom. I ran into your mom at the grocery store tonight, and she told me where you were.”

An hour later Diane and I were sitting in low lawn chairs behind my childhood home, our bare feet in the grass. My mother was asleep in the house, and the warm, humid night was quiet.

We eagerly caught up on each other’s news, and then, as our conversation slowed, Diane said, “I’ve become a Christian.”

Diane? A Christian? Diane was smart. She was a doctor. She was scientific. How could she believe in some mythical God who sat up in the clouds? It did not compute.

“How did this happen? What do you believe?” One question led to another, and she answered each one honestly, humbly, and authentically.

I don’t remember most of what she said to me. I do know that after that night I still had very little understanding of the basic doctrines of the Christian faith. She never pressed me or invited me to pray. She only answered my questions.

Although I don’t remember the content of our conversation, I do very vividly remember Jesus becoming real to me that night. I couldn’t see him with my physical eyes, but I could envision the love in his eyes. I couldn’t touch him with my hands, but I could feel his strong, safe presence. I knew I didn’t have to do anything or be anything other than who I was to be loved by him. Something in me said yes to him that night.

The next day I went back to California. Slowly, from the inside out, the relationship I had started with Christ began to change me. Activities that had previously appealed to me no longer interested me. Christian people began to appear in my life—people that I actually liked and respected. For the first time, I read the Bible, and after a few years, I even went to a church. More and more I viewed myself and my world through new eyes. A positive shift was taking place in my default network.

I am not alone. I am loved. I am safe. I have been chosen and adopted into an eternal family. My life has value and purpose.

WE ARE PART OF A BIGGER STORY

God’s story is one of salvation, reconciliation, and healing. We both have found peace by looking beyond what we learned from our mothers, beyond the “sad story” to the story God tells. That’s where we all need to begin. Take a moment and read these truths about how important you are to God:

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

PSALM 139:16

In him we live and move and have our being.

ACTS 17:28, NIV

We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

EPHESIANS 2:10

As we examine things in our lives that need God’s touch, it’s important that we remember God never changes, always loves us, rescues us, and restores us to his original design—naked and unashamed. What does that mean? It means we are free to walk with God without pretense. Free to be imperfect mothers and imperfect daughters who are works in progress. Free to have flaws and problems between us. Free to receive healing and wholeness and be comfortable with who we are and who God is. Free to extend grace to ourselves when we receive God’s grace.

GOD OFFERS FRESH MEANING TO OUR STORIES

Is your mother-daughter story starting to take shape at all? Are some things falling more into place for you, and other things that seemed terribly important fading away? That’s how God begins to change our stories. Our lives are made up of an endless series of experiences, but the meaning we assign to them changes over time. At one time, the stars in the night sky may have been considered just scattered points of light, but then people connected the dots and saw shapes that they named—a giant dipper with a bowl and handle, and a hunter with a sword hanging from his belt. In the same way, we connect the dots of our experiences when we give them meaning.

Research shows that “the meaning of significant emotional events develops over time as individuals reflect on the story’s personal importance as well as share the story with others to glean their reactions.”[8] For example, Debbie saw how her mother treated her and assigned the meaning “There is something wrong with me.” But when Debbie adds God’s truth to her interpretation, she can say, “Though I was affected by my mother wounds, God has always loved me. I am his, and I am enough in him.” The facts of our stories don’t change, but the meaning we take from our stories—the overarching conclusions we draw—certainly can.

God is referred to as “Father” throughout the Bible, rather than “Mother,” but he displays all the traits of a perfect parent—male or female. As we grow in our intimacy with him, he can fill in what may have been lacking in our relationships with our mothers. Read the following descriptions of God and the accompanying Scriptures, letting their truth touch you deeply:

A NEW ENGRAVING

We are both spirit and flesh (i.e., human beings). It is important for us to recognize this. Why? Because we often live according to the patterns and imprints of our human experiences. That is where our wounds, our false beliefs, our attachment styles, and our default networks reside. When we are born again, something beautiful and life-changing happens. We become new creations, reborn by the Holy Spirit. We are free.

Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.

JOHN 3:6, NIV

If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come; the old has gone, the new is here!

2 CORINTHIANS 5:17, NIV

This newness of life happens on the inside when the Holy Spirit indwells us. We can start living in the power of God’s Spirit rather than from our humanness. God begins to break the faulty patterns we have used for protection, and He restores our hearts, minds, emotions, and personalities. Are you ready to start living anew by the Spirit? Your life will never be the same.

Explore Your Story

  1. Reread the story about your mother that you wrote at the end of chapter 1, reminding yourself that God wants to replace the lies you have believed with his truth. When that happens, the hold the lies have on you will be broken, and God’s presence will fill any empty places in your life.
  2. Revise your story by placing it in God’s bigger story. Reflect on your past and consider where you have seen God’s healing hand. Look to your future and express your hope and faith in a God who loves you more than you can imagine. Remind yourself that your story isn’t over yet.
  3. List things that you recognize as your default thinking patterns. Identify how some of the ways you frame your circumstances might be keeping you from freedom.
  4. Read Galatians 5:16-26. What are the differences between the Spirit-led life and the human patterns ingrained in you? Remember, the goal is not to blame your parents. When you identify the negative patterns that control you, you can take them to Jesus and let his Spirit heal you for his purpose and glory.

Connect with God

Powerful and trustworthy Father, I thank you that you are above all things. You have placed your Holy Spirit within me, and I ask you to change me by the power of your Spirit. I desire freedom, and I know you desire it for me too. Help me believe in the bigger story by aligning my thoughts with the truth of your love and care for me. Right now, my past is my frame of reference, but I want your truth to be my reference point going forward. May I accept my past as part of my story but recognize that the story is not over. You redeem every part of it by the power of your love and grace toward me. Amen.