5: mom, where are you?

I will never leave you nor forsake you.

HEBREWS 13:5, ESV

NEEDS.

We all have them—some fulfilled and others still waiting to be.

In part 2 (chapters 5 through 8), we will look at four basic needs a daughter has in her relationship with her mother and what happens if a need is unmet. How did we come up with these four needs? In many books about mothers, each chapter is about a type of mother—the narcissistic mother, the addicted mother, and the depressed mother, to name a few examples.

We are taking a different approach, focusing less on labels for our mothers and more on what we as daughters may have lacked in this important relationship. This helps us avoid getting caught up in our mothers’ mistakes and helps refocus our energy on positive steps we can take toward healing. When we identify the unmet needs in ourselves, we can ask God to help fill in the gaps. There are countless ways we could have categorized the needs of daughters, and many stories fit in multiple categories. However, we have pinpointed these four needs to help you begin your journey toward wholeness:

A daughter’s most important needs from her mother evolve over time. In the early years, she needs her mother to be present, attuned, and protective. In her school years, she needs her mother to teach and guide her. When a daughter becomes an adult, she needs her mother to let go and celebrate her as the unique person God has made her to be. However, all these needs are essential and are present in some form at all stages of life.

As you read through these chapters, we pray that the concepts and stories will open your eyes to your own unmet needs. Some experiences may have seemed normal to you as you grew up but left lasting imprints that continue to trigger your emotions and adversely affect your relationships today. There will be times when you do not relate at all to the stories in these chapters, and there will be times when you do. Be open to what God wants to show you.

WHY PRESENCE AND ATTUNEMENT MATTER

Are you familiar with the classic picture book The Runaway Bunny? An adventurous baby bunny engages his mother in an imaginary “what-if” game of hide-and-seek, seeing to what lengths she would go to find and be with him. As the baby bunny soon learns, there are no barriers or restrictions for his mother. Nothing can prevent her from being there for him. All for one reason—“You are my little bunny.”[9]

The story illustrates what every child (for our book, every daughter) needs to know—that no matter where she goes or what she does or how she tests her mother’s limits, her mother’s presence will be a constant that she can depend on. That reassurance calms her and gives her a sense of safety. The child doesn’t have to face the world alone. Her mother will be there to care for her. It sends the message that the child is important and valued, that she is worth her mother’s time and attention. It gives her confidence to venture out and explore her world.

In the children’s story, the baby bunny and his mother are “in tune” with each other. There is a playful, creative interaction between them, as if they are making music together. That attunement requires more than a mother’s physical presence; a child needs an emotionally present mother, a mother who “gets” her. She needs a mother whose brain is in tune with her brain like a guitar string with a tuner.

The most critical time for a daughter to have a physically and emotionally present mother is her early years. Obviously, an infant depends on her mother for survival, to feed and care for her. However, infants need more than food and diaper changes. Studies have shown that infants living in crowded, understaffed orphanages, even with all their basic physical needs met, do not thrive if they are not touched, held, and given eye-to-eye interaction.

Eye-to-eye interaction is a key component of attunement. When a mother looks into the eyes of her baby, she is literally shaping her child’s brain. The mother’s facial expressions, the light in her eyes, and her soothing words impact the child’s less-developed brain, teaching her to modulate the ups and downs of her emotions and return to a state of well-being. A mother’s attuned presence at this stage also lays the foundation for the child’s attachment style. If the mother is consistently there for her daughter, the daughter will begin to develop a secure attachment style.

If you are a young mom, the best gift you can give your child is to learn to regulate your own emotions. If you struggle with depression or anxiety (something many mothers experience), get the help you need. You cannot help your child regulate her strong emotions if you cannot regulate your own. She looks to you to use your adult capacity to return her to a state of calm.

You may not know if or how much your mother was there for you when you were a baby. Parts of your brain that store memories were still developing then. Trust God to reveal the truth to you through recaptured memories or in stories from adults who were there in your early years. Why is it important to ask God about events from so long ago? Because these years of earliest and deepest imprinting provide understanding of who we are now.

THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTUNEMENT

The summer after my brother died, I (Joan) walked into our house with a friend and found my distraught mother on her knees next to our vacuum cleaner. She said the vacuum cleaner had broken and she was trying to fix it. Not wanting anything else to be broken in our lives, I said, “Why don’t you just buy a new one?”

She looked at me as if I had slapped her. “We don’t have the money.”

Tears filled her eyes, and she crumpled to the floor moaning, “I don’t want to live.”

My friend and I stood frozen.

She lifted her head, looked at us, and said, “Get out! Get out of the house now.”

I was horrified and terrified, but she was so wrapped up in her own pain, she couldn’t see mine. She wasn’t emotionally present or attuned to me, so she couldn’t comfort me, and I felt completely alone.

Thankfully, most mothers are doing the best they can to love their daughters. Sometimes mothers make selfish choices; however, most mothers who are not attuned are like Joan’s mom, women dealing with emotions or circumstances beyond their control that make them unable to give their daughters what they need. Here are some reasons why a mother may not be present and attuned to her daughter:

As adults we can face the reality that we have been wounded, while also developing grace and understanding for our mothers because of the circumstances they faced. This is helpful because it unravels our belief that we deserved to be abandoned.

Just as there are many reasons why a mother might be unavailable, there are also many ways in which a daughter can be affected. Here is an overview:

This is a varied list, and these symptoms can result from things other than mother wounds (we don’t want to blame our mothers for everything). Read it lightly, noting to yourself which traits you may have. You are slowly forming a picture—an understanding of the shape of your wounding and how God wants to heal and fill in your empty places.

The following stories illustrate three common types of fallout of not having an attuned and present mother: a sense of not belonging, lack of joy, and vulnerability to addictive relationships.

“I Don’t Belong”

Shelly is a fun-loving young woman who considers her mother to be one of the most impressive women she has ever known. The two never argue or bicker over anything. On the surface, their relationship looks healthy. But Shelly’s story with her mother plays out differently in the deepest part of her soul. Not only did she and her mother not make “music” together, Shelly doesn’t remember them ever having much of a connection.

As Shelly grew up and began to study personality styles and temperaments, she realized there was a clear reason for the disconnect. She and her mother were nothing alike. One was a thinker, the other a feeler. One was an introvert, the other an extrovert. While her mother connected seamlessly with her other children, who were more like her, she didn’t connect with Shelly. Though physically present to Shelly, she was not attuned to what was happening in Shelly’s heart and soul.

While this disconnection was unintentional on her mother’s part, Shelly’s self-esteem suffered. She grew up with a deep insecurity that she was somehow not okay at her core. In addition, since she didn’t feel as if she connected to anyone in the family, she developed a belief that said, “I don’t belong.” That early imprint was pressed upon her over and over as she grew up.

Even though she is deeply devoted to her family, Shelly still feels as if she doesn’t belong and is alone when they are all together. A lack of belonging has created a sense of insecurity in her that affects relationships with friends and coworkers. As she has gotten older, Shelly has become hypersensitive to being left out or forgotten. If someone overlooks her, her emotions spiral, changing her from happy to harried in minutes. Social media has become a trigger that amps up her insecurity. A simple post “proves” that she has been left out, tapping into her past pain.

Can you relate to similar feelings of emptiness or not belonging? Perhaps you have always longed for love and thought for some reason you did not deserve to receive that love. Children who did not have a present or attuned mother are wounded. Like Shelly, a certain trigger may unexpectedly unravel us emotionally. Instead of growing older gracefully, we may find ourselves becoming more reactive and bitter.

A mother cannot be faulted for being nothing like her child. However, as the child grows, it can be hard for the mother to relate or connect to someone so different from her. Because of that discomfort, the mother may unconsciously withhold her presence or attunement, leaving the daughter to wonder why. Often the daughter concludes that her mother must not like her, and that if that is the case, there must be something considerably wrong with her.

“I Have No Joy”

Mary’s mother was an alcoholic and completely self-absorbed. During her alcoholic rages, she would become verbally abusive, telling Mary she never wanted her and calling her “stupid” and “ugly.” Mary’s mother would rarely prepare food, bathe her, or comb her daughter’s hair. She treated her like an inconvenience.

When Mary grew up, she married a man who treated her with indifference. His emotional unavailability seemed normal to her. We are often drawn to romantic partners who recreate the dysfunction of our childhoods.

When Mary received a diagnosis of cancer, her husband became angry and even colder toward her. She longed for him to love and nurture her just as she had always longed for her mother to love and nurture her, yet both have always been dry wells. Mary describes being in constant “psychic pain.” This dull emotional pain makes Mary unable to feel or experience joy. Growing up, she questioned her mother’s love, and now she questions her husband’s love. Being treated with indifference has left a large void in Mary’s heart.

Research shows that our capacity for joy is built through connection. Psychic pain occurs when there is disconnection and loneliness. We connect when people are emotionally present and attuned to us, which Mary’s mother and husband were not. Mary never experienced the joyful interaction that the mother bunny and her little bunny did.

“I Long for Love”

If a daughter’s first need for her mother’s love is not met, the emptiness and craving left in her core may drive her to look to others to fill that need. For some women, the craving is for men. For others, women may appear to satisfy their deep longings. These relationships may be sexual or they may not.

Julia did not identify as gay, but she began a relationship with Barbara because she liked being close to her. Barbara made her feel like the most important person in the world. “I felt like the center of the universe, safe, cared for, like everything was going to be okay.”

Julia is an educated, successful individual. She could see that Barbara was self-centered, controlling, and toxic for her, yet she could not seem to pull away. They bought a house together, and as their lives became entangled, Julia lost herself more and more. It took her eight years to move out, yet even then Barbara still had a magnetic pull on her. Reflecting on all of it, Julia said, “She meets some deep need in me that I cannot describe. Now I am engaged to marry Sam, but when she calls or e-mails me, I still feel an intense longing for the way she could make me feel.”

Kelly McDaniel, a therapist who specializes in female love and sex addiction, observed,

Addictive relationships are a desperate, consuming attempt to find love. In the work I do as a therapist, I’m reminded daily of the painful legacy for women who didn’t have a healthy bond with their mothers. When early attachment doesn’t happen, a daughter essentially loses her first opportunity for love. This loss is devastating and has ripple effects throughout her life. Using sex and romance to fill the emptiness inside is the unconscious attempt to heal this primal wound.[10]

SUBSTITUTE MOTHERS

Many of us have had other women step into our lives and fill us with love and good things. Did you have a grandmother, aunt, older sister, or family friend who was there for you? Thankfully, every ounce of love deposited into us was needed and made us stronger in ways we probably don’t even realize. Still, despite the love of others, our little-girl hearts often long for our own mothers’ love.

In my (Debbie’s) earliest years, much of my mother’s angst toward me was covered by my sister’s love. I adored Sharon, my only sibling, who was a teenager when I was born. I secretly wished she could be my mother. She was beautiful, kind, loving, and interested in me. Mom seemed to like her, and I thought if I could be more like my sister, then Mom would like me, too.

By the time I was in the first grade, the person dearest to me was married. Although Sharon was busy starting her own life and family, Mom relied on her to care for me, shop for me, and fill in when Mom was not there. I can’t imagine who I would be today if I hadn’t had the love of my sister.

But as much as I loved Sharon and she loved me, when I was dropped off at her house, I realized I wasn’t an intimate part of her family. I was the outsider who watched in awe as she nurtured and loved her little ones. It was different from anything I experienced at home. I longed for the kind of motherly love—the attunement—she gave her children. Certainly, I wasn’t getting attunement from my mother, and Sharon couldn’t fill the void.

For a long time, I didn’t realize the lasting impact of three beliefs I’d carried with me since I was young—beliefs that I didn’t deserve to be loved, that I could never be enough, and that I didn’t belong. These negative imprints had been pressed down and cemented in my heart. I knew I struggled with thinking I was not enough, but I never saw that these beliefs all came from the same wound. When added together, these negative beliefs were like dynamite, destroying the good that my sister tried to deposit in my life.

I still struggle with feeling left out when I am not invited to an event or included in a group. But now, as the Debbie who is learning her triggers and receiving healing from God, I can ask myself, Is this a legitimate concern, or is it just little Debbie? Most of the time, that is enough to help me stop and whisper a prayer: “Jesus, help me to live as the grown-up woman I am today and not in the hurts of little Debbie. Thank you for helping me understand that I have what I need because I belong to you.”

Perhaps you were blessed to have a woman who was not your biological mother step into the mother role in your life. Or maybe it was several women. Even though you may have been loved generously, can you identify a longing for something more? The truth is, we all have holes in our hearts that only God can fill.

TRUE ATTUNEMENT WITH GOD

If you believe you missed out on motherly presence and attunement, God offers a healing imprint—a “Godprint.” He promises that he is constantly there for us even when our infantile spiritual awareness does not fully grasp it. His nature is to nourish and sustain us, much as a mother nourishes and sustains an infant at her breast. One of God’s names is El Roi (see Genesis 16:13)—the God who sees us. Like a good mother, he is always watching over those who are his, listening for our cries (see Psalm 34:15). He lavishes us with unending love and delights in us. He is the source of our joy.

David’s words in Psalm 139 confirm that we have a parent who is constantly with us:

I can never escape from your Spirit!

I can never get away from your presence!

If I go up to heaven, you are there;

if I go down to the grave, you are there.

If I ride the wings of the morning,

if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

even there your hand will guide me,

and your strength will support me.

PSALM 139:7-10

We cannot expect other people to provide our soul care. People can forget or even leave us, but God will always be present. The prophet Isaiah proclaimed the future sign that God would come to dwell among us, which would be fulfilled in Jesus’ birth:

They will call him Immanuel, which means “God is with us.”

MATTHEW 1:23

During his life on earth, Jesus interacted with people, walked and talked with them, related to them, and offered them healing, direction, and hope. That is still true for us today. God is always with us! No matter what the details of our pasts, no matter what our stories tell us to the contrary, when we truly believe that God is present, we will begin to experience a deep sense of being treasured. When we try to hide or run away from God, he pulls us back to himself over and over again. He is attuned to us because he loves us. Knowing he is there and accessible provides us with incomparable strength.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

DEUTERONOMY 31:6, NIV

Before he returned to the Father, Jesus promised his disciples,

I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. . . . He lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans.

JOHN 14:16-18, NIV

That promise still holds true. Often girls who do not feel connected to their mothers feel like emotional orphans. They grow up with a set of false conclusions about themselves that become a fixed mind-set of lies:

These lies are powerful, but we don’t have to surrender to them. Remember that God promises not to leave us as orphans. His Word says we are loved by him, adopted into his family, and wanted by him.

I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters.

2 CORINTHIANS 6:18

God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

EPHESIANS 1:5

Whether our mothers are alive or have passed away, there is hope for those who have grown up with an orphan spirit. If you are a follower of Christ, the Holy Spirit lives in you forever—to counsel, direct, and protect.

Perhaps the message that God is with you and you are never alone is just words on paper for you, a thought that others express as spiritual truth. But what if this truth could change everything? What if you embraced this one truth? Could it be that God’s presence could heal you, deliver you, and help you no longer feel alone?

Explore Your Story

  1. Find a copy of The Runaway Bunny at the library or a bookstore. As you read it, what emotions does the story evoke in you? Did your mother respond to the music of your heart? Was there joy between the two of you? Did you feel connection and belonging? Did you feel treasured?
  2. If you felt alone, prayerfully journal the story of why you felt that way. What messages were pressed into your soul as a child? Were there times when you felt like an orphan? This may take a while, but sit with it and let God illuminate the parts of your story that need healing.
  3. How do those imprinted messages continue to affect you today?
  4. What other mother figures stepped in for you? How did their presence affect you?
  5. What truths about God’s presence speak to you? Why do these truths stand out?

Connect with God

Lord, thank you for your presence. Though I haven’t always known it or felt it, you have promised to always be with me. I come to you with every moment that I have felt alone and the lasting effects that feeling has had on me. Please remove the fear, disconnection, and insecurity from my heart. I am grateful to be your child who belongs to you and receives your love. I invite you to re-parent me. Open up my heart so healing can take place. I desire to be true to who you have made me to be. Although my relationship with my mother may have wounded me, I believe both of us are deeply loved by you. Thank you for offering me healing. Amen.