6: mom, will you keep me safe?

You, O LORD, are a shield around me.

PSALM 3:3

IT WAS A DREARY SEPTEMBER NIGHT in the California beach town where I (Debbie) grew up. My dad was more than three hours late from work, and my mother was fuming, sick of his antics. Occasionally on the Fridays my dad got paid, he would stop at a bar rather than come straight home. After dinner, I sat on the sofa, my stomach churning from my mother’s anger, and stared at the front door, waiting for my dad.

I finally went to bed, hoping he was okay and this would all blow over. But before long, my mom woke me up.

“Get up and get dressed. We’re going to go find your father.” After I threw on some clothes and a jacket, Mom and I got in the car and began to search for Daddy. It seemed like forever, going in and out of parking lots all over town. Finally, Mom spotted Dad’s car and pulled over. She looked at me. “Go inside and find your father, and don’t come out without him!”

“Mom, I’m afraid. I don’t know what it’s like in there. What if Daddy doesn’t want to leave? Please don’t make me do this.”

“Don’t argue with me. Get out of the car. Now!”

My heart raced as I pulled on the bar’s heavy door. I could barely see anything at first because it was so dark inside. The stench of beer and the cloud of smoke nearly choked me. As I entered, heads turned and I heard one man say, “Are you lost, little girl?” which drew laughs around the room.

Finally, my eyes adjusted to the dim room and I spotted my dad at the bar, perched on a stool. I went up to him, tugged at his sleeve, and said quietly, “Dad, we need to go home,” but he stared at me blankly. He was so drunk he didn’t recognize me.

Fortunately, the bartender came over, eased my dad off the stool, and supported him as my dad stumbled out to the car. I sheepishly thanked the bartender before I got into the back seat. Mom screamed at my dad for a few blocks before he finally passed out. I hated my father’s drinking but was even more deathly afraid of how it made my mother react. When I was young, my world was dreadfully unsafe.

On another occasion my father came home late as usual after drinking.

“Daddy, where have you been? I have been waiting all night. You promised you were going to take me to Woolworth’s to get the holiday Barbie doll. Now it’s too late; the store is about to close.”

He had been promising to take me to get the doll all week.

“Come on, get in the car,” he said. “We’ll get there before they close.” I hopped in the front seat, and within a few minutes, I was terrified.

My intoxicated father wove the speeding car through the streets of Los Angeles, trying to get to the store across town. Forget honking horns or red lights—they didn’t seem to matter to him. Why did my mother allow me to go with him? As I slid back and forth on the seat, I thought that night would be my last one on earth. Along with the doll, I received the very real and growing fear that I could not count on either of my parents to keep me safe.

Fear became a constant in my life, always present even when I was clearly secure.

Once the enemy of our souls plants a lie, the roots grow deep into the soil of our minds. For most of us, cutting off the branches of individual fears seems sufficient. But God’s intention is to pull up the vine and get to the root of the lie, fear, and problem. That’s when we can have true freedom, knowing that despite our circumstances, God is with us and we are safe.

THE NEED FOR PROTECTION

Children are vulnerable and dependent. They are not able to protect themselves, and they need the adults in their world to represent God’s character by

As I (Joan) heard Debbie’s story, I realized how fortunate I was. I had not been put into those kinds of frightening situations growing up. Obviously, Debbie’s father was not a safe, comforting presence when he was drunk, but Debbie’s mother could have been her refuge, the person who helped her cope with her father’s alcoholism. As I look through my therapist’s lens, I ask, What could Debbie’s mother have done differently?

No one wants to see children grow up in an environment plagued by fear, anger, or neglect. But mothering is a learned skill. No woman is born knowing how to care for children, though most mothers do the best they can. Sometimes they make mistakes, or they may get thrown off track by circumstances beyond their control. Just as there are reasons why a mother cannot always be present, there are explanations for why a mother may not always provide protection and safety. The good news is that children are resilient and do not require perfection. It is natural for them to be fearful on occasion as long as it isn’t a constant way of life.

APPROPRIATE AND INAPPROPRIATE FEAR

The world can be dangerous, and we need a healthy dose of caution in order to survive. The goal is to have appropriate fear. Fear when one gets close to the edge of a steep cliff is appropriate. Fear of taking a shower is not. Ideally, as we mature, we learn to discern which situations and people are safe (both physically and emotionally) and which are not. We will be able to trust and open up to those who love us and want the best for us, but we will guard ourselves against those who might use or abuse us.

As we discussed in part 1, our early relationships and our attachment styles impact everything, including whether or not we are capable of appropriate fear. At the extreme, children raised in orphanages, without a present, attuned, comforting caretaker in their early months, often develop something called reactive attachment disorder (RAD). Either they refuse to allow anyone near them (i.e., they fear everyone and trust no one), or they will go to any stranger (i.e., they fear no one and trust everyone). Most of us are not scarred to such an extreme, but we may have tendencies in one or both directions:

Healthy attachment is not all or nothing; it includes wisdom, discernment, and appropriateness to the specific situation or person. It involves being in the present and not mired in our memories of past trauma. Our mothers have a huge impact on our development in this area.

When a child does not feel safe or is missing the protection she needs, this feeling can balloon into inappropriate fear. This lack of trust can manifest itself in any number of ways. Here are some of them:

Do you see any of these manifestations in your story? How has your childhood relationship with your mom given you appropriate or inappropriate fear? Each of us has an individual and complex story of how we were (or were not) protected, how we were imprinted to feel safe or unsafe in the world and with others, and how we coped with our situations. Your mother may have had a major or a minor role. Others may have stepped in to significantly help or hurt you.

THREE HARMFUL SITUATIONS

The specific events and memories of your life are unique to you, including the level of trauma you experienced. Nevertheless, it can be helpful to look at other mother-daughter stories for insight into your own story. Here are three common ways in which mothers may fall short of providing safety for their children. None of them will be your exact story, but some aspects may sound familiar.

1. Mom Is Abusive or Unpredictable

An abusive mother is one of the most confusing challenges a daughter can face. How can the person who carried you in her womb, who is supposed to love you, and whom you look to for your very survival be the one who hurts you so terribly? Unpredictable abuse is even more damaging. The child never knows which mommy will appear—nice mommy or mean mommy. She lives in a constant state of uncertainty and fear.

Physical abuse inflicts horrible wounds, but verbal abuse is also harmful. The marks that harsh, demeaning words make in a child’s heart can last a lifetime. The playground rhyme “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is simply untrue. Yes, physical assault hurts, but ugly words can break our hearts as children. We are left believing what was said to us: “You’re no good. You’re lazy. You don’t know anything.” In our early years we cannot bear the thought that our parents, the people we depend on for our survival, might be wrong. So we blame ourselves and adopt the viewpoint that we deserve the abuse—that we are fundamentally bad or flawed.

Why do mothers say harsh and demeaning things to their daughters? Some are just mean and lack empathy. Some thoughtlessly repeat words that were said to them when they were young. Many succumb to their emotions and speak from the immature and unhealed parts of themselves.

“I tried so hard to be good and not set my mother off,” said Kim. “One minute she would be sweet, telling me she didn’t feel well and asking me to make her a cup of tea. Then a minute later she would be a screaming witch, telling me she hated me and wished I had never been born. I usually didn’t know what I had said or done to cause it. I just knew I must be pretty bad.”

Not only the cruel words but the unpredictability of the outbursts made it hard for Kim to feel safe. She was always on high alert, doing her best to prevent her mother from getting upset. Instead of being a safe harbor where Kim could rest and be comforted, her mother was a turbulent ocean in which Kim had to work hard not to drown.

As an adult, Kim learned that her mother probably qualified for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. It has helped Kim to know that her mother was not well and that her own reactions to her mother were normal and understandable. It also helps her to step back from the words her mother said about her and realize that they are not true. The more she is able to set strong boundaries with her mother, the safer she feels to extend love and forgiveness.

While most mothers do not struggle with something as extreme as borderline personality disorder, we all occasionally say things we regret to our children. Likewise, we all sometimes lose control of our emotions. As mothers, we cannot be perfect in all we say and do. But we can and always should make repairs. If we can acknowledge and apologize for our blowups, we will restore our children to a state of feeling loved and safe.

Severe abuse by a mother is not familiar to most of us, but it is part of many women’s stories and should not be ignored. Even though the following case may seem extreme, it is true. We have included it for those of you who did experience more serious abuse and for the lessons it might hold for the rest of us.

Christina Crawford, adopted daughter of Joan Crawford and author of the book Mommie Dearest, sat down with Larry King in 2001 to discuss the abuse she had survived as a child.[11] She admitted that her trouble began around age four or five when she started to become a person with her own likes and dislikes. Her mother would hit her for not picking up her clothes, for saying no, for a look, for an attitude, or for no obvious reason at all.

When Christina was thirteen, her mother knocked her to the floor and choked her. Christina believes her mother’s intent was to kill her and that she might have succeeded if there had not been someone else in the house. She remembers her mother’s eyes:

She had gone into some other realm. She was like a wild animal. And at that age, to think that the person that you’re supposed to love and trust the most is the person that just tried to kill you—that is almost too much for anybody to handle at that young age.[12]

When her mother’s health declined, Christina became her caregiver, only to be surprised by the words in her mother’s will: “I leave nothing to my daughter, Christina . . . for reasons that are well known to [her].”

I tried very hard to love her because she was the only mother that I knew. . . . When she died, I was the only one to go and see her body (partly because I had to assure myself . . . that she was really dead. . . . I had to assure myself that she wasn’t going to get up and start yelling at me again). . . . It was the best thing that I could have done. . . . I told her then that I loved her, which was true in the sense that I had tried to love her. I don’t think that she ever was capable of loving me, but I think she tried.[13]

When Larry King asked Christina if her relationship with her mother led to difficulty in her own relationships, Christina replied, “Always.” At the time of the interview, Christina was sixty-two and not married; she said that “it was impossible to trust anybody.” When asked why she never adopted a child, she replied, “Most of my life was so unstable, both emotionally and financially, that I couldn’t in good conscience visit on somebody else what had been visited on me.”[14]

Abuse is never a child’s fault, but it often seems so in her mind. If only I were better, then things would be different. Maybe if I . . . Mom would not be so mad at me, would not say mean things, or would be more loving. When a mother is more concerned about herself than about her child, she often leaves her daughter with a poor self-concept and the inability to let others in.

2. Mom Doesn’t Protect Us from Others

Some mothers may never strike their daughters or call them demeaning names. Yet if a mother stands by and doesn’t act when she sees her daughter being physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally abused, she is shirking one of her most important duties as a parent and her daughter will feel betrayed by her.

Margaret lived with her mother and a volatile stepfather. On most nights Margaret’s stepfather would come home from work, eat dinner, and then sit silently in front of the television. Margaret and her mother walked on eggshells all night, fearing something would set him off.

“We never knew when he would blow or what would make it happen—a charred roast, a stain on the carpet, an innocent remark. Whatever the reason, it was as if a match were thrown into a pile of dynamite and he would explode. He yelled and cursed and called us names. He threw dishes and punched holes in the walls. Once he grabbed my mom by the hair and dragged her across the kitchen to clean up a mess. I used to beg my mom to take us to live somewhere else, but she wouldn’t do it. I think she was afraid—afraid to make him even madder, afraid she couldn’t live without him. She would make excuses for him such as ‘He had a rough day’ or ‘I shouldn’t have burned the dinner.’ When it was really bad, she would despairingly say, ‘Where else would we go?’”

Margaret is closely bonded to her mother because they endured the abusive episodes together—it was their private secret. However, she is also incensed with her mother for allowing the abuse to continue. Where was the “mama bear” that was supposed to protect her cub? Margaret concluded that her mother valued her husband more than her, which was painful to admit.

As an adult, Margaret has a hard time advocating for herself or standing up to others. She follows the pattern she learned from her mother. In order to survive in the world, especially with men, she toes the line and never does anything that might make someone angry.

Unfortunately, a mother can be afraid to rock the boat with her husband, fearing he would retaliate and withhold love from her. When he mistreats the children, she thinks it will blow over or that the children should adjust. But a child without an advocate is a child who is defenseless, unable to fight against a parent or stepparent’s abuse.

Angry outbursts are not the only thing that affects a child. Abuse in any form is something that every daughter, every child needs to be protected from.

Adrienne lives with the reality of having been sexually abused by her own father. She was always a pretty little girl who received lots of attention for her looks. As she grew up, her father’s affection for her increased. At first it was snuggling and hugs and sitting on his lap. Before long there were secrets she was told to keep: the way he taught her to touch him and the way he began touching her. Adrienne was confused and afraid, but he said if she mentioned anything to her mother, the family would fall apart. She believed him and kept quiet.

Then one morning, she decided to break the silence and talked to her mother, certain she would be protected. Her mother’s response was unexpected. “I know. I’ve always known. But your daddy loves you, and besides, men will be men.”

Shocked and sad, Adrienne began to stay away from home more and more. She eventually ran away and was taken in by her best friend’s family. In the end, both of her parents hurt her. It was her father who abused her, but the mommy she thought lived to love and protect her did not keep her safe.

Judi wasn’t sexually abused, but she was tormented by her older siblings, who often made fun of her slight speech impediment and called her a mama’s girl. Her mother downplayed what Judi’s siblings were doing and often laughed along at the things they were saying to her. “They are just poking fun, being little comedians.”

To this day some of the things Judi’s siblings said haunt her, pulling her into insecurity. She wasn’t safe in her own family with her own siblings, so how could she be safe anywhere? Though she has a love-hate relationship with her siblings as an adult, Judi feels most betrayed by her mother. The woman who could have stopped the remarks and teasing didn’t. Judi grew up feeling unsafe and unloved.

3. Mom Models Fearfulness

A fearful, overprotective mother can create fear in her child. When both the mother and the child are caught in this web of emotional fear, any semblance of safety is lost in the ongoing turmoil over small things that should easily be remedied.

Emma was an outgoing little girl with a full measure of energy, but her mother was fearful of most activities. Still, when Emma asked if she could take swimming lessons, her mother reluctantly agreed.

While the other children bobbed up and down, sometimes swallowing a mouthful of water, Emma stayed close to the side of the pool, where her mother called out nervous instructions.

When the swim teacher directed everyone to the diving board, Emma got in line and waved excitedly to her mom. As soon as Emma got to the edge of the board, her mom panicked. “No, no, no, she is too young. Come off the board, Emma!” Emma retraced her steps and let the other swimmers go ahead of her.

All the other kids jumped off the diving board and celebrated their victory—everyone except Emma. Her mother thought she was protecting Emma with her concern, but she actually was teaching Emma to be fearful. Over time the fears quenched Emma’s energy and curiosity, and her personality changed from fun-loving to timid. Sadly, her mother’s anxieties took root in Emma, and she became reluctant to try new things.

GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY

In many ways, our mothers mirror God, but because they are human they fall short. Although God doesn’t promise to always keep us safe from harm in this world, he is completely trustworthy. Jesus gave his disciples this assurance:

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

JOHN 16:33, NIV

Life will be hard, but God will be with us every moment until ultimately we are safe with him forever. Though our bodies may not always be safe, our souls are safe in him.

It is God’s character to protect our hearts and souls no matter what we go through. The psalmist elaborated on this by describing God as our shield, our strong tower, our shepherd, our refuge, our keeper, our rock, our shade, and our hiding place (see Psalm 23; Psalm 32, NIV; Psalm 34; Psalm 91; Psalm 121, ESV; Psalm 144).

We are to trust in him with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding (see Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV). This requires faith and provides hope. We need to embrace him for who he says he is, believing his promises—not what our wounds tell us.

Explore Your Story

  1. What emotions do the stories in this chapter evoke in you? Can you relate to having a mother who was unsafe or did not look after your physical and emotional welfare? Was your mother able to regulate her own emotions?
  2. Prayerfully journal the story of why you did or did not feel safe and what messages were pressed into your soul as a child. As you unravel your thoughts over time, God will reveal areas that need healing.
  3. How do those imprinted messages continue to affect you today?
  4. What truths about God’s protection and trustworthiness resonate with you and why?

Connect with God

Lord, I may never fully understand why I went through some of the things I did, but I am grateful that you ultimately have kept me safe and are now healing my residual wounds. I come to you with my deep-seated fears. Please direct my heart, mind, and soul to a safe place today. Destroy the walls of fear and anxiety that have prevented me from living a courageous and secure life in you. Father, fulfill your promise and deliver me. Amen.