7: mom, will you teach and guide me?

Our children are watching us live, and what we are shouts louder than anything we can say.

WILFRED PETERSON

CHILDREN COME INTO THIS WORLD without wisdom or skills to deal with the challenges of life. They need adults to shepherd them, instruct them, lead them, and be their example. Without that leadership and guidance, they often flounder, trying to do the best they can.

Verbal instruction and training are important, but the example a mother sets leaves the deepest impression on a daughter. More is caught than is taught. Scripture emphasizes the importance of exemplifying good character in the way we live:

Be their ideal; let them follow the way you teach and live; be a pattern for them in your love, your faith, and your clean thoughts.

1 TIMOTHY 4:12, TLB

Every day, a mother’s words and deeds are woven into her little girl’s heart and mind and ultimately shape what kind of woman she becomes and how she fits into the fabric of her world.

MOM, WILL YOU MOTHER ME?

Some mothers abdicate their leadership role. They leave their daughters to figure things out on their own. Or they may reverse roles, relying on their children to be in charge and care for them. A child who is pushed into the role of parent in the family is often called a “parentified child.”

Collette described her mother as “wimpy.” “My mom was so shy she barely spoke to people. She had no confidence and was often overwhelmed by the smallest problems. Because she didn’t teach me how to deal with life, I was pretty much on my own to figure things out. I developed a tough exterior and made it look as if I could handle everything. But on the inside, I was a little girl who wasn’t sure she could cope. And yet I would give my mom emotional support more often than she would give it to me.

“When I was a teenager, she once asked me to help her make a doctor’s appointment. I yelled at her, ‘Why can’t you grow up? You’re supposed to be the mom, not me!’ As I think back, I feel both sorry for her and sad for me. It was so frustrating to have her never even admit she had a problem, much less do anything about it.

“Even though I wish I could be close to people, I still have a hard time letting my walls down or letting people know I have needs. Some younger part of me still thinks it is dangerous to lean on others because if I ever tried to lean on my mom, I would always end up deeply disappointed.”

While some mothers expect their children to “parent” them, other mothers try to create a peer relationship. Morgan’s mother blurred the lines between parent and girlfriend.

Morgan’s mother loved being the “cool, young mom.” She enjoyed spending time with Morgan’s high school friends and provided them with alcohol when they were in her home. She and Morgan shared clothing and did their hair in the same long, straight style. If one of Morgan’s friends needed a parent to lie for them, she would do it. Morgan’s mother joked provocatively with the boys Morgan brought home and complimented them on their muscles. She enjoyed knowing they found her attractive. She allowed Morgan’s boyfriend to spend the night in Morgan’s room.

Morgan was torn. She both liked and hated having the “cool mom.” When she went to the homes of friends who had more mature parents, she envied the structure and limits her friends were given. It was scary to be given so much freedom at this age. She wished her mother would act more like a parent, would teach her what was right and wrong, and would sometimes say no to her.

Daughters who don’t have a strong, guiding parental hand must find ways to cope. They may develop a tough exterior and become excessively self-reliant and independent. Or they may become excessively dependent, lacking a sense of self and looking to others for approval, direction, and identity. Both of these reactions to this momplication are likely to adversely affect future relationships if they are not addressed.

Do you relate to either of the women in these examples? I (Joan) know I can. If you were brought up by a parent who sometimes did not act like a parent, what do you wish your mother had done differently? If you are a mom, how do you want to parent your own children differently?

Teach Me Basic Life Skills

Did you feel prepared to face the world as an adult?

Rachel’s father was in the navy and often would be at sea for months at a time. While he was away, Rachel’s mother would go out and get drunk, not coming home until the middle of the night. Rachel and her sister were left to fend for themselves and eat whatever they could find—usually cold cereal. Rachel remembers the terror, the loneliness, and the longing for her mother.

Now a mother herself, Rachel struggles to prepare meals for herself and her family. She says, “It’s as if there is a little girl inside me, waiting for her mommy to come and feed her.”

Daughters like Rachel who were not taught life skills may have a harder time with day-to-day life. Whether it be doing a school project, applying to colleges, or developing a budget, they often must find other people or resources to help them. If they don’t find help, they may lack confidence or avoid situations in which they don’t feel capable. They may struggle in school or work because they have not been given habits of self-management and self-care.

Boost My Emotional Intelligence

Are you comfortable expressing your feelings and acknowledging your emotions? Or do your feelings overtake you, causing you to act in ways you later regret?

Cheri’s mother was stoic and proud and thought emotional people were weak. When Cheri’s pet rabbit died, her mother told her to “buck up and be strong.” Cheri was devastated, but because she wasn’t taught how to navigate sadness, she found other ways to feel better. One of her primary coping methods was to eat as a way to numb her feelings.

In contrast, Kathi’s mother vented her emotions freely and without self-control, taking her family on a roller coaster of ups and downs. She would yell if she was frustrated or sob loudly behind a locked bedroom door if she was unhappy. This out-of-control environment was scary to Kathi and her sister, and each of them coped differently. Kathi’s sister responded by trying to care for and manage her mother. She would walk on eggshells and put her own feelings aside in an attempt to keep her mother calm. Kathi, on the other hand, became a lot like her mother. In her teen years, she and her mother would have screaming, hitting battles. Kathi has had to work hard to develop the skill of keeping her emotions in check.

We all know about the intelligence quotient (IQ), but what about emotional intelligence (EQ)? According to Daniel Goleman, author of the book Emotional Intelligence,[15] EQ is a far higher predictor of success in life than IQ. The ability to manage one’s emotions and to empathize with the emotions of others is a crucial skill for children to learn. Ideally, a mother will see and validate her child’s emotions and help the child name them. She might say, “I see you are feeling mad” or “Do you have that sad, lonely feeling right now?” By doing this, she helps her child avoid both extremes; she teaches her to neither deny her emotions nor be overwhelmed by them.

Define Womanhood for Me

What does it mean to you to be a woman? While the answer to that question will vary from culture to culture, daughters look to their mothers to define womanhood for them.

Children look to both parents for love and guidance, but they gravitate to one parent for more gender-specific knowledge. Boys look to their fathers to learn what it means to be a man, while girls look to their mothers to learn what it means to be a woman. Just the other day my (Debbie’s) own four-year-old granddaughter Jessa announced to me with great conviction and joy, “Grammy, you are a woman, and I am a little woman!” I had to laugh, but I quickly realized that this little girl is already identifying in specific ways with the females in her life.

In her book Motherless Daughters, Hope Edelman discusses a repeated lament she has heard from women who lost their mothers at a young age. Hard as a single father may try, he cannot always teach his daughter the feminine ins and outs of navigating the world. These women complained that they didn’t know how to do certain female-oriented things, such as choosing a dress for a school dance or finding an appropriate gift for a wedding shower. They believed they hadn’t learned “the code” and felt a huge hole in their understanding of a woman’s world.[16]

Help Me Love My Body

What did you grow up thinking about your body? What did your mother model for you? What guidance did she give you?

Karen grew up with a mother who did not take care of herself physically. She was always at least a hundred pounds overweight but laughed about her size as if it were nothing. When Karen became a teen, she was embarrassed by the fattening foods her mother always ordered and how sloppy she was at the table. Karen knew her mother’s weight affected her mom’s relationships and health. She vowed to never allow herself to go down that path. As a result, Karen grew up controlling her weight by purging with laxatives and exercising compulsively. She did not admit to having an eating disorder, but it was obvious to everyone else.

Laurie’s mother was beautiful but obsessed with staying young. When she noticed faint lines on her forehead, a little roll around her middle, and a few gray hairs, she was horrified. The message Laurie received was that aging was terrible. Not surprisingly, Laurie became consumed with her appearance. Like her mother, Laurie would not leave the house unless she was in full makeup and dressed to the nines. Sadly, Laurie carried this mind-set into her marriage and growing family. After some time with a skilled counselor, Laurie began to see that her mother had modeled bondage, not freedom. What her mother thought was the way to youth and beauty was actually a trap of self-focus and insecurity.

In both of these scenarios, the mother did not teach her daughter how to accept and appreciate her own body. Mothers have a huge influence on their daughters’ body perception and beliefs about their appearance. Often a mother doesn’t realize how much her example and her view of herself are rubbing off on her daughter. There are two ways this can get skewed. On one hand, training a daughter to be responsible about self-care is important, but on the other hand, it can become an obsession. If a mom has a healthy view of herself, then the daughter will likely grow up with a healthy self-perception as well. But if the mother never misses a workout, never stops counting calories, and constantly demeans herself and her body, her daughter will be affected. Our mothers convey whether our bodies are something to be celebrated or something to be ashamed of.

Show Me How to Relate to Men

What example did your mother set for you regarding men? Did you see her dominating them or hear her speaking about them with contempt? Did she submerge herself in her man, never speaking up for herself or setting boundaries? Did she convey the belief that men were not to be trusted, that you had to do everything on your own? Did she manipulate or flirt with men to get what she wanted? What messages did you internalize, maybe without even realizing it? Perhaps you are like your mother, or perhaps you vowed to be different.

Marissa thought her mother acted like a doormat, allowing her husband to walk all over her. She never stood up for herself or expressed her own thoughts or opinions. Marissa’s father was a Democrat, so her mother was a Democrat. If her father wanted to spend the afternoon watching football, her mother spent the afternoon watching football. Whenever Marissa’s father was in a foul mood, her mother would scramble to appease him, even if it meant putting her needs and the children’s needs aside.

Marissa vowed she would never allow a man to treat her the way her father had treated her mother. Rather than entering relationships with an open heart, she came with her fists up, ready to fight any hint of domination by a man. When she was thirty-three, she went to therapy to understand why she couldn’t maintain a good romantic relationship. As she explored what had been modeled for her and how she had overreacted to it, she began to see that part of her feared that if she let a man in, she would become like her mother.

In contrast, Serene’s parents had a strained relationship, and all she heard was her mother’s negative comments about men. Serene grew up believing all men were selfish, stupid, and only interested in sex. Serene was not equipped to love a man for who he was. Her attitude toward men cost her two marriages where she punished her husbands by withholding sex, and a few jobs where she could not get along with male superiors.

Introduce Me to God

What did you learn about God from observing your mother?

The most important thing a mother can model for her daughter is a close relationship with God. I (Joan) learned from my mother that there was no God, and eventually I took on the worldview that I could only depend on myself. So when tragedy struck, I was not connected to a heavenly parent who could ultimately make sense of things and offer me comfort, hope, and healing.

Other mothers may convey different wrong beliefs about God through their words or actions. They may send the message that he is harsh, indifferent, or unloving.

Carla was raised by a devout mother who took her to church each week but rarely talked to her about God. She left Carla’s spiritual training to the “professionals” at church. Carla was taught more about church practices than about having a personal relationship with God. She was under the impression that you could only call upon God in a crisis. Carla left the church after high school and never looked back—she had no interest in God at all. When she became a mother, she felt lost and unable to guide her children on a spiritual path.

Leslie grew up in a strict religious home. Her childhood memories are filled with church meetings and countless rules. Life was serious and hard, not filled with joy and laughter. Her mother did not celebrate birthdays or holidays.

As an adult, Leslie shunned anything that remotely smacked of God-talk until she had children of her own. She began longing to know God in a different way. Her life was changed forever when she met the God of love and grace at an old-fashioned revival meeting.

Why does teaching our daughters about God matter? Because it matters to him. God instructs parents to train their children about spiritual matters, inviting his presence into their family.

Train up a child in the way she should go,

Even when she is old she will not depart from it.

ADAPTED FROM PROVERBS 22:6, NASB

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

DEUTERONOMY 6:5-7, NIV

GOD’S PROMISE

Whether or not our mothers were strong leaders and gave us the guidance we needed to prepare us for life, we all need God to show us the way more clearly. Listening to God and following him is the most important thing for us to learn.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

PSALM 32:8, NIV

The teaching of your word gives light,

so even the simple can understand. . . .

Guide my steps by your word,

so I will not be overcome by evil. . . .

Look upon me with love;

teach me your decrees.

PSALM 119:130, 133, 135

Your hands made me and formed me;

give me understanding to learn your commands.

PSALM 119:73, NIV

In addition to Scripture, God also provides another way to guide us onto the right path: the presence of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus taught his disciples many things in the three years they were together. Anticipating his return to his Father after his death and resurrection, Jesus assured the disciples they would not be left alone. He would not be with them physically, but in his place, God would provide the perfect Counselor.

I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. . . . He lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. . . . But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you.

JOHN 14:16-18, 26-27, NIV

Do you see yourself in this chapter? If you are a mom, are you afraid that you have messed up your children by not teaching them the right things? Take heart. Remember that God is the author of every story. He is leading and guiding us. And he offers redemption and new direction for our children. Despite our parenting mistakes, we can trust that nothing is beyond God’s healing. As our daughters grow up to make their own choices, God will always be with them to lead them and guide them, too.

Explore Your Story

1. What emotions do the stories in this chapter evoke in you? Did they point to areas in your life where you do not feel you received the leadership, guidance, or teaching you needed?
2. Prayerfully journal about the ways your mother did or did not lead, teach, or set a positive example for you.
3. How do the things you journaled about in question 2 continue to affect you today?
4. What truths about God’s instruction and guidance speak to you and why?

Connect with God

Lord, thank you for being my Shepherd who promises to instruct me and teach me in the way that I should go. I come to you for more training. My mother did what she could to help me understand who I am and how my life fits into this world, but there are still holes left in my education that need to be filled. Lead each of my steps. Guide me through each assignment, each responsibility, and each relationship I form from this day forward. Be my trainer, coach, and counselor. Amen.

[15] Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books, 1995).

[16] Hope Edelman, Motherless Daughters (New York: Bantam, 1994).