introduction

My Mother—My Heart

WHEN YOU HEAR THE WORD MOTHER, what happens? Do you get a rush of love or a flare of anger? A pleasant memory or a painful flashback? No matter how you respond, this book is for you.

Maybe you feel guilty for even picking up this book. After all, in a lot of ways your mother is great. But for some reason, when you hang up the phone after talking to her, you are tense and irritable, trying for the next hour to figure out what hit you. This book is for you, too!

The mother-daughter relationship is momplicated—one of the most complicated, yet sacred, bonds between two people. It is complex, rich, beautiful, and sometimes painful.

As coauthors—a lay person (Debbie) and a therapist (Joan)—we have been unraveling its effects on our own lives for years. We connected through mutual friends who knew we both had a passion for God and a heart for helping women. After becoming friends and sharing our experiences, we agreed that most women continue to be affected by their relationships with their mothers. When I (Debbie) lead retreats and conferences for women, I have been surprised that the audience connects so deeply with my mother story. Many come up and tell me, “Your story is my story.” As a therapist, I (Joan) find that whether I am working with Christians, Muslims, or atheists, their current problems often have roots that go back to that first relationship.

Though a woman’s adult relationship with her mother may be good, there is still a little girl inside all of us who has been imprinted with things that may drive us in less-than-desirable ways today. In these pages, we will be coming from a faith-based perspective, pointing you to the truths that will leave “Godprints” in the places that have held hurt or false beliefs. We will do this through our stories and other women’s stories, looking for God’s grace in all of them.

You won’t find any mother-bashing in this book. We are mothers ourselves. We love our children, and although we have been imperfect in our mothering, we continue to make positive strides to be better. And you won’t see a formula on how to be a perfect mother because there is no such thing. What we hope you’ll discover is how much of you is shaped by your mother—good and bad—and how that valuable information can bring you healing and shed light on your relationship with your mother to make it less momplicated.

Both of our mothers have been gone for years, but they are still part of us. And though they are not physically present, they are still part of our everyday lives. They are the blueprint from which our lives are built. They are woven into the fabric of our hearts. We still find ourselves wanting to tell them when we have exciting news, wondering what they would think about our choices, and wishing we could call them—one more time.

This poem by an unknown author says it perfectly:

YOUR MOTHER

Your mother is always with you . . .

she’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street;

she is the smell of bleach in your fresh laundered socks;

she’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not well.

Your mother lives inside your laughter and

she’s crystallized in every tear drop.

She’s the place you come from, your first home

and she’s the map you follow with every step you take.

She’s your first love and your first heartbreak.

And nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space, not death.

Yes, our mothers are always with us. In a perfect world, our mothers would impart only good and beautiful messages to us. It would be ideal if our mothers always embodied the love of God toward us, but in a fallen world with real people, it just won’t happen. Many of the beliefs, reactions, and habits formed within us have come from our responses to this primary and vitally important relationship. Our hope is to lead you to a place of understanding how a mother’s imprint affects your life. No matter where you might be on this journey of discovery regarding yourself and your mother, we hope you will find valuable information in these pages. We will address how painful aspects of the mother-daughter relationship may have impacted your sense of being precious, beautiful, safe, nurtured, and strong.

Integrating biblical truth with the latest in therapeutic practice, this book will lead you along a healing path to the safe place of knowing you are truly precious and loved. No matter how your past has affected you, God offers healing, a sense of value, belonging, and strength. Overcoming the painful legacy of your mother wounds is possible through God’s restoring love. This book will encourage you to have compassion on yourself, offer forgiveness and compassion to your mother, and find hope in the restoring power of God.

If you are a mom, always remember that you are partnering with God in the shaping and raising of lives that were created for his purposes. You are leaving heartprints daily on your children’s souls. Be careful, be prayerful, and be grateful for the calling of motherhood, quite possibly the highest calling of all. Receive your own healing from God, accept his love for you, and let God’s heart beat through yours—to those precious ones who call you Mom. Who you are stays with them forever and is passed on to the next generation. It is never too late to love, never too late to heal, and never too late to trust God to turn the pain in your story into a redemption song.

We are praying for you and asking God to be present as you read this book!

Debbie Alsdorf and Joan Edwards Kay

Debbie, nearly three and a half, and her mother.

Annie (left), six, with Aunt Betty, and Joan (right), nine, with her mother. Johnny is in the far background.