January 11.
I’m back in school.
Life as I know it is over.
Mom and Max weren’t kidding.
We are really going to move. They are already looking at houses. When they find a house or houses they like, they will show them to me, and I can help them decide. I like that they want me to help them decide. I, Amber Brown, got very mad at my dad when he picked a house without me. Now Mom and Max are letting me decide…except for one thing. I have decided…I want to stay exactly where I am. I like my room. I like knowing exactly where everything is. I like my friends. I like knowing my neighborhood.
Mom and Max said that once we find the house and buy it, they are going to get married. They aren’t going to wait until June. We will all move into the house at the same time.
They won’t promise me that we will stay in the same town.
That means that I may not even stay in the same school.
I, Amber Brown, always feel bad for kids who have to move and go to a new school, especially in the middle of the year.
I remember how bad I felt for Justin, my best friend who had to move.
Mrs. Holt is in the front of the classroom, taking attendance.
I really like Mrs. Holt.
I like all of the teachers at my school…I’ve had some great teachers here….. Mrs. Holt…. Mr. Cohen…. Ms. Light….
What if there are no great teachers at my new school?
What if they never smile at me? What if they already have favorite students, and there is no more room in their brains to add another favorite? What if they have already memorized all of their students’ names, and they have no more room in their memory for mine? What if they think of me as “What’s-her-face, that new kid who came to the school in the middle of fourth grade?”…. What if everyone thinks that it is weird for me to say, “I, Amber Brown”?
There are so many more what-ifs.
What if my dad keeps getting madder and madder about this?
When I was at Dad’s house, I should never have told him that Mom and I and Max were going to move. He got on the phone to Mom and yelled and yelled and yelled. He said that he had moved back to this town, not to New York City, because of me, so that we could spend time together….. and how dare they think that they could move. He used the words “I’m calling my lawyer.” He used them a lot.
I’m not sure, but I don’t think he should have acted the way that he did when he dropped me off at the house after Christmas vacation….. talking about how he knew where everything was, and how he had been a big part of the house for a long time.
My dad. I’m just getting used to shared custody, to living in both houses. If I am living in another town, what if he decides to move to New York City? That will mean that I won’t see him as much, and I won’t see the Marshalls as much….. and Brenda won’t be my Ambersitter anymore. And Mrs. Holt won’t be my teacher. There will be a lot of won’ts.
I’ve never really been mad at my mom before, not like this…not BIG TIME…. I may even hate her.…I may even hate Max. (If it wasn’t for him, none of this would happen.) Why did he and Mom fall in love? Why did I start to care about him? And my dad isn’t acting great either. I could hate him too. I know that it is bad to hate…but I can’t help it.
Mrs. Holt has a few students pass around some paper. My friend Brandi is one of them.
“Amber.” Brandi hands a paper to me and leans down and whispers, “Are you okay? Why are you crying?”
I didn’t even know that I was crying.
I put my head down on the desk.
She leaves and a few minutes later, Mrs. Holt comes up to my desk. “Amber, would you please step outside with me for a minute.”
As we leave, she says to the class, “All right, everyone. I want you to start your writing assignment now….. and I don’t want to hear a sound out of anyone.”
I stand outside the door with Mrs. Holt.
I, Amber Brown, am even upset with Mrs. Holt. Why does she have to be such a good teacher that I am going to miss her?
“Do you want to tell me what is bothering you?” Mrs. Holt takes out a tissue and wipes my eyes.
She’s being so nice…. that makes me cry even more.
I tell her what is happening.
Every once in a while, she has to stick her head back inside the classroom to remind the class to quiet down.
The class….. I will miss them too. Fredrich and his nose-picking fingers…. Brandi….. Kelly….. Alicia….. Tiffany and her collection of Barbie dolls….. her little brother, who is always committing Barbiecide on the dolls…Bobby….. everyone…. everyone except for Hannah Burton.
“Amber.” Mrs. Holt leans down.
“Yes.” I sniffle.
“Are you sure that your mom is going to buy a house that is not in town, that you will have to leave the school?” she asks.
I shake my head no. “But they may. They said that they might buy a house someplace else.”
“Have you told your mom how upset you are?”
I shake my head no again.
Mr. Robinson, the principal, comes by.
Mrs. Holt says that she wants to talk with him for a minute.
They go stand about ten feet from me.
I just stand where I am, sniffling.
They come back, and Mrs. Holt says, “Amber, honey. Would you like to go sit in Mr. Robinson’s office until you feel better?”
I sniffle more. “Am I in trouble?”
I, Amber Brown, have never been inside the principal’s office. I thought that was only for bad kids.
Mr. Robinson leans down and says softly, “No, Amber. Not at all. I promise. We just want you to calm down, to be able to talk about what is bothering you.”
All of a sudden, what is bothering me is that I’m not sure that I want to talk with him about what is bothering me. I’m also not sure that I can go back into the classroom again. I don’t want everyone to see me cry, especially not Hannah Burton.
I’m not sure what I want to do.
A lot of kids say that it is really scary to go to the principal’s office.
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m going to the principal’s office, goody!”
We all just stand there.
The class starts getting a little noisy again.
Mr. Robinson just walks to the door and looks in.
The class gets quiet, fast.
Mr. Robinson comes back again.
I, Amber Brown, have to make a decision, and I have to make it now.
If I go back into the class, I’m afraid that I will start crying.
If I go to Mr. Robinson’s office, I may start crying too….. but at least there, I know that he is not going to call me a baby for crying….. and I know that Hannah Burton is.
I, Amber Brown, am going to the principal’s office.
