There are so many opportunities to make new connections in everyday life. Yet it can feel intimidating to start a conversation with a person you’ve never met before, or even someone who’s familiar but you’ve never interacted with beyond a quick hello or a nod of acknowledgment.
Don’t let fear of making contact get in the way of potentially rewarding new friendships and relationships. How many times are you going to pass that same familiar face without saying anything? You already know that you may share a common interest based upon where you run into this person, whether it’s at an exercise class, a club meeting, or a favorite hangout spot. Are you holding back because you’re afraid of being rejected? If so, consider the opportunities for connecting that you’re missing out on because of reluctance to take a chance.
This chapter offers guidance in breaking out of your comfort zone and making connections with new people who can enhance your life experience. The advice we’ll share can help you overcome limitations that are preventing you from broadening the many circles of your social network.
We all fear potential rejection when forging new relationships. It isn’t unusual to wonder whether others will meet you with enthusiasm if you put yourself out there, or to feel like you won’t fit in or won’t be welcomed. Most people fear they aren’t good enough, leading to self-consciousness. So when you see the potential to connect with someone new, you may immediately worry that the other person won’t view you in the same way. This can make you more anxious about interacting, even in a simple conversation.
Given this very human tendency, you may be letting negative thoughts get in the way as you anticipate making contact with someone new. If you’re worried, try reframing the situation. View making contact with someone as an opportunity, and focus on your curiosity rather than your worry. Also consider positive attributes you have that may appeal to a person you’re thinking of talking to. Let’s say you’ve seen someone a few times over the past week at a rock climbing gym. Your shared interest in rock climbing and being active could form a foundation for relating to each other.
Exercise: The Pros and Cons of Making Contact
When facing any challenging situation, including making contact with someone new, a helpful technique is to weigh the pros and cons. So consider the reasons why you’d like to approach a particular person and write about this in your journal. Then list the advantages and disadvantages of doing so.
kelly Here’s the list I came up with when I was deciding whether to approach a guy in one of my classes:
When I weighed those pros and cons, I decided there are more reasons to go for it than not to. The possibility of rejection makes me anxious, but the excitement about a potential new relationship outweighs those negative feelings.
Of course, no matter how enthusiastic or excited you feel about connecting, others may not always feel the same way, and it’s important to be realistic about this. It can be helpful to tune in to the other person’s signals to see whether it’s a good time to connect. When approaching others, consider whether they seem preoccupied or in a hurry. There can be a variety of reasons why someone may not be emotionally present to engage in a conversation at a particular point in time. If you try to initiate a conversation while others are focusing inward or on other things, you probably won’t be successful in initiating genuine contact.
That said, don’t take seemingly unfriendly reactions as a rejection. Always keep in mind that there are many factors that might prevent a person from engaging with you or being receptive to an invitation, such as previous plans, state of mind, or mood.
kelly There was a seemingly friendly guy, Wyatt, in my seminar class, and I’d said hi to him a few times. After one class, my mind was still racing about the discussion about Hamlet we’d been having. Walking down the hallway, I caught up to Wyatt and started talking to him: “It’s weird that our teacher doesn’t agree with your character analysis. Your point is really interesting and definitely has merit,” I said confidently. Wyatt glanced over at me and mumbled, “Yeah, it’s annoying,” then took out his phone and continued walking. I felt embarrassed to have been dismissed like that. At the time, I didn’t consider that Wyatt may have been distracted or upset. I just felt shut down.
The next week, I was pleasantly surprised when Wyatt took a seat next to me in class. “Hey, I’m sorry about the other day,” he began. He explained that he was really irritated about how dismissive the professor had acted toward him and that he had just wanted some time to clear his head before his next class.
So don’t interpret other people’s less than enthusiastic responses as a reflection of how they feel about you. You can’t read people’s minds or be sure what issues they may be facing. Assume that a negative or indifferent reaction doesn’t have anything to do with you. Ultimately, if an initial attempt at making contact isn’t successful, don’t be discouraged.
In this section, we’ll provide several tips on initiating a conversation with a new person. We’ll get into some specifics shortly, but first, we’ll offer some general advice on how you can increase your chances of achieving successful interactions.
First, put into the interaction what you would like to get out of it. You may have grown up with the idea of the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you), whether it was introduced by your parents, in an elementary school classroom, or perhaps by a camp counselor or babysitter. Consider implementing the Golden Rule in your conversations with new acquaintances. What do you want to get out of the conversation? How do you hope the other person will receive what you’re saying and behave toward you? Keep these feelings in mind and treat the other person accordingly.
Second, focus on the conversation and the person you’re speaking with. Although there’s a natural tendency to prepare your next response while the other person is speaking, try to hold yourself back from doing that. You initiated contact with this person because you wanted to explore the possibility of connecting. Don’t shortchange this potential by fixating on yourself.
And third, be mindful. Stay in the moment, focus on the interaction, and keep an open mind. Don’t start anticipating what might happen next or get distracted by thinking about the future of the relationship.
Beyond those general guidelines, being aware of some specifics in regard to body language and breaking the ice can go a long way toward maximizing your chances of making a connection. Although you can’t control how the other person reacts, you can increase the likelihood that you’ll get a positive reaction by following a few simple guidelines for presenting your best self.
Body language is often the first clue people get about each other. When your facial expression is friendly, your posture is upright and open, and you’re making good eye contact, you welcome others into conversation. Making sure your body language is positive will help both you and others feel more comfortable and confident. If your expression is blank (or worse, negative), if you’re slouching, or if your gaze is on something else, others won’t feel your interest in getting to know them. So focus on how you present yourself, keeping these key points in mind:
The only way to start making contact is to say something. If you have trouble initiating a conversation with someone, you may be getting tripped up over what you should say. If so, you may find it helpful to think about why you want to make contact with that person. You might have a shared experience, like seeing each other at a coffee shop, perusing the same shelves at the library, or walking your dogs at the same park. This shared interest would be a great place to begin a conversation.
If you still feel stumped, here are a few types of conversation starters you might try:
After making initial contact with someone new, it’s important to consider how to engage in an interesting and satisfying conversation. Successful interactions rely on bringing together several skills discussed earlier in the book:
There are two main types of questions that people use in conversation: ritual questions and informational inquiries. Ritual questions are used to open conversation. They focus on learning basic information about the other person. Here are a few examples:
These questions give way to informational inquiries, which are designed to elicit detailed facts about the other person’s experience, beliefs, and feelings. Here are a few examples:
Of course, it’s important to be sure you’re asking appropriate questions. You don’t want to get too personal too soon.
We’ve covered active listening a couple of times already, so by now you know the drill: paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback (nonjudgmentally). Still, this is a crucial skill for successful conversations, so we’ll revisit it here.
When you’re having a conversation with someone, it’s important for that person to feel that you’re truly tuned in to what he or she is saying. So listen intently and be sure to show the other person that you’re listening. The truth is, an inability to listen is the most common cause of conversational disasters.
Often, self-consciousness leads people into two traps: rehearsing and being preoccupied with fears of embarrassment or rejection. We discussed these and other listening blocks in chapter 1. But it will be worthwhile to review these two listening blocks here because overcoming them is essential for mastering the art of conversation.
When you’re rehearsing, you aren’t really listening to the other person. Instead, you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next. This is distracting and can cause you to miss parts of the conversation—which quickly becomes obvious to others if they’re paying close attention. Focus on the other person and listen as if you’re trying to memorize what he or she is saying. If you need to pause before you respond, that’s fine; people generally appreciate a thoughtful response that reflects the fact that you were listening.
As for being preoccupied with fears of embarrassment or rejection, this is, of course, especially likely when you approach a new person. So remember, your chances for a successful interaction will increase if you can be fully present and engaged in the conversation. Plus, presenting your best self will actually help alleviate some of your fears. Finally, the more engaged you are, the more engaged the other person will be. We all value someone who is a good listener, and that means being an active listener.
Now let’s look at what sort of information to communicate about yourself. As discussed in chapter 2, this is called self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is fundamental to the development of any relationship. Sharing interests, feelings, and thoughts is what bonds people and helps them relate to one another.
We took a look at levels of self-disclosure in chapter 2. Now we’re going to approach levels of self-disclosure from a different angle, thinking about it in terms of the stage of your relationship with the person: Are you just making initial contact, or are you starting to go deeper? It’s important to keep these varying levels of self-disclosure in mind as you develop new relationships, whether with a new friend, a love interest, or an authority figure.
When you first meet someone, you shouldn’t reveal intensely personal things about yourself—and you probably don’t want to! This can be off-putting to the other person and may create an uncomfortable dynamic. So at this stage, you’d probably want to stick with your interests and basic information about yourself. That said, it’s also important to share things with the other person that reveal something about your character and what makes you unique.
Exercise: Brainstorming First-Level Self-Disclosure
For the first level of self-disclosure, think about some interesting facts about yourself. Really brainstorm and write your ideas in your journal. For this list, focus on basic information that you’d want a new friend to know about you.
kelly When I brainstormed about how to engage in conversations when first meeting a new person, here are some of the ideas I came up with:
You can move to a deeper level of self-disclosure after you’ve made contact—sometimes fairly quickly after, depending on how the conversation is going. The second level of self-disclosure includes sharing your thoughts and feelings. Early in a relationship, it’s probably best to limit this to thoughts and feelings about the past and future, such as sharing about your childhood or about your future career or school plans. Sharing your current thoughts and feelings can be difficult early in a relationship when you’re still finding out about each other and building trust. It’s a good idea to make sure you feel comfortable being vulnerable with the other person before sharing present-day thoughts and feelings.
Here are a couple examples of sharing on the second level:
Exercise: Brainstorming Second-Level Self-Disclosure
For the second level of self-disclosure, think about some thoughts and feelings you’d like to share with someone who’s becoming a new friend. Really brainstorm and write your ideas in your journal. For this list, focus more on thoughts and feelings about the past or future, rather than the present.
Wait to enter the third level of self-disclosure until you’ve developed a trusting relationship. At this stage, you can begin to discuss present-day thoughts and feelings, including your thoughts and feelings toward the other person. Here are a couple of examples:
Since this chapter is on making contact, we won’t offer an exercise for brainstorming topics for third-level self-disclosure, especially because what you share will probably vary widely from person to person. But if you feel like it, we encourage you to write some of your thoughts on this topic in your journal.
Making connections with new people and expanding those connections requires that you take a chance. If you use open, welcoming body language and appropriate icebreakers, and also master the art of conversation by asking questions, listening actively, and engaging in appropriate self-disclosure, you’re likely to get people’s attention. This can open the door to a conversation that just may be the start of a great new relationship. And if both of you combine asking questions with sharing information about yourselves, you’ll both feel like you’re getting to know one another.