A common desire that we all share is to be understood. With family members, many of us operate under the belief that they understand us better than anyone else, but this isn’t always the case. And it may cause you to communicate less because you just assume they know your wants and needs.
As a teenager, you’re in the middle of some of the most dramatic developmental years of your life. There’s a high probability that some of the things that were true of you as a child have changed now that you’re a teen. Or maybe your family members are assuming that some things have changed for you, but they actually haven’t. Whatever the case may be, you need to maintain healthy communication with your parents and siblings so you can all stay current with each other.
Consider Mike’s situation. When he started high school, he was so excited to be able to play football on the school team. In his freshman and sophomore years, he committed himself wholeheartedly to training year-round. Now he’s seventeen and a junior, and he’s noticed some changes in himself, including that football is no longer his priority. He taught himself how to play piano, and these days he prefers music, especially experimenting with different melodies and writing songs. While Mike still plays on the football team, he’s more interested in devoting his free time to music. It’s important for Mike to explain this change to his family so they can support him, and so they won’t be making incorrect assumptions about what matters most to him.
Exercise: Understanding Your Changes
During your teenage years (and throughout life, really), it’s a good idea to periodically assess yourself, identify ways in which you’ve changed, and communicate this information to your family members. In your journal, take some time to write about specific changes you’ve seen in yourself, including likes and dislikes, interests, values, and priorities. Also think about whether your parents and siblings are aware of these changes. Do you feel comfortable sharing them with your family? Whether or not you feel comfortable with this, spend some time writing about what you wish your family members knew about you. Expressing your observations and thoughts in your journal can help you feel more comfortable discussing these changes with your family.
Just because you live with people doesn’t mean you know everything about them. It’s likely that you don’t give the same attention and focus to your family members as you might give to your friends. One reason is because your family members have been a more constant presence in your life. It’s common to tend to operate on autopilot with the people we’re around the most. Yet this can lead to incomplete or unhealthy communication.
Another thing that can affect family communication is people’s communication styles. In chapter 6, we discussed three styles of communication: passive, aggressive, and assertive. Now we’ll look at a few other styles to be aware of, especially in communications with family members. Instrumental communication is the expression of factual information, such as when you’re to be picked up from school or the time and location of a game. This kind of information helps your family function in a more organized way. Affective communication is how people share their emotions, such as happiness, sadness, or anger.
You may have similar patterns to those of your parents, and if their styles are problematic (such as passive or aggressive), this can keep you or your entire family locked in a pattern of ineffective or difficult communication. If you’ve adopted your parents’ communication styles, that’s completely understandable. After all, you’ve been exposed to their habits since you were born. Like most people, you’ve probably accepted your parents’ ways of relating without thought or analysis.
Alternatively, your communication style might be quite different from that of one or more of your family members, and this too can cause problems. Consider Daniel, whose family consists of himself, his older sister, Maria, and his father, Jose. Maria won’t talk with anyone when she’s upset—she doesn’t engage in affective communication during difficult times. Like most parents, Daniel’s dad makes the majority of the family’s plans, and he’s very open and direct with instrumental communication. But like Maria, Jose tends to be guarded about communication when he’s experiencing negative emotions. Daniel, on the other hand, is very expressive and wants to talk when he’s preoccupied with an issue. Unfortunately, his sister and father tend to shut down that kind of communication, which is frustrating for Daniel.
Exercise: Identifying Family Communication Styles and Patterns
Take some time to consider what does and doesn’t work in your family’s communications and write about this in your journal. Also identify the primary communication style each person tends to display and how all of the styles of communication we’ve outlined show up in your home. Do your family members use words to express affective communication, or do they tend to rely on body language or other signals? For example, do some family members clam up when they’re angry? Spend some time writing in your journal about how each of your family members expresses instrumental and affective communication. Be sure to include yourself!
Do you notice any patterns? Do you have a communication style similar to anyone else in your family? Do your parents have the same communication style? If not, is it easier for you to communicate with one parent than the other? If so, why?
In almost every family there are some topics that are more acceptable to discuss than others. There may be spoken or unspoken rules about what family members can’t ask for, talk about, or even just point out. These can become unconscious inhibitors that prevent you from sharing important parts of yourself and your experience. Here are examples of the kinds of communication that are off-limits in some families:
Of course, some topics can be more difficult to discuss than others. Yet you’re also entering a time of life filled with uncertainties—a time of life when it would be ideal to learn to communicate your challenges, successes, and concerns to your parents and other family members. Perhaps you’re entering junior high, high school, or college, and being able to talk with your family members about your experience would help you get the support you need in this new setting. However, it may be difficult for you to ask for certain kinds of help or guidance if you haven’t done so in the past. And because of all the changes you’re experiencing, you’re also entering uncharted waters. You may feel uncomfortable bringing up topics that you’ve never discussed with your parents.
One thing to keep in mind when thinking about these topics or considering discussing them with your family is that your parents learned their patterns of communication from their parents. Styles of communication tend to be handed down from one generation to the next, and that could extend to you. The important point here is not to judge or blame anyone, but to bring your awareness to what’s getting in the way of effective communication. By identifying areas in which you can make changes, you can improve your relationships.
Exercise: Identifying Your Family’s Rules About Communication
Take some time to consider what rules your family may have about communication. Do any of them get in the way of you being heard and understood? And do any of them prevent you from being able to hear and understand your family members? Take some time to write about any rules that may be having a negative impact on family communications. Also consider whether you have any fears about expressing your emotions, desires, or needs with family members and write about this in your journal. If any of your fears are a result of past experiences that left you feeling emotionally unsafe or fearful of consequences from your parents or your siblings, be sure to write about this too.
kelly I often feel anxious or reluctant to talk to my dad or brothers about things that are really upsetting me, whereas I always feel comfortable discussing a problem or venting to my mom. I think I assume my dad and brothers would be less interested in hearing about what’s upsetting me. However, when I do reach out to them for advice, they’re receptive and helpful. For some reason, I tend to forget that outcome and end up talking to my mom or a friend instead. This is why keeping a journal can be so helpful. Just by writing about this, I realized that this may be my own rule about what’s okay to talk about, not a family rule.
Another reason family communications can be difficult, especially for teens, is because young people often believe their parents have certain expectations for them—and indeed, this is often the case. So you may fear disappointing your parents by expressing your true self.
Take Jason, whose father owns a hair salon, where his older brother and sister work. The business has always been a big part of the family’s life. Jason grew up spending his weekends there, running around giving customers lollipops and watching his dad manage the salon. For years, Jason’s dad has been telling him that he’s a natural businessman and saying he can’t wait for the day Jason starts working alongside him. Recently, however, Jason has been getting more interested in pursuing a future in acting. In fact, he’s been talking to his drama teacher about applying for a performing arts scholarship. But even though this is his dream and very important to him, he hasn’t mentioned it to his dad—or anyone else in his family—because his dad seems so excited about having Jason follow him in his footsteps.
Like Jason, you may be hiding a specific interest that you feel is in conflict with your family’s expectations for you. Or you might find yourself in a situation like Casey, who’s struggled with her sexual orientation. She’s gay, but she’s afraid to come out to her parents. She’s an only child, and her parents have always told her that she was all they ever wanted, but that they’ll be so excited to have a son-in-law when she gets married. She feels badly that they’ll never get their wished-for son-in-law, and she feels so distraught about this that she’s been unable to tell them that she’s gay.
If, like Jason and Casey, you haven’t been sharing your true self with your family, there’s a good chance that you’re really struggling. This relates back to chapter 2, where we discussed how important self-disclosure is for strengthening relationships. If you’ve been hiding parts of yourself, you probably feel less connected to your family. You may even feel uncomfortable in your home, believing that if your family members knew the real you, they wouldn’t love you as much or accept you as they do now. And the fact is, it can be difficult for parents to accept their children’s growth and individuation.
As a teen, you’re making dramatic changes—physically, emotionally, and socially. Parents often long for the time when their children were little and life seemed simpler and more predictable. When you were younger, it may have been easier for your parents to dream that you’d eventually fulfill their expectations. But in most cases, parents genuinely want what’s best for their children. They want their children to live their own dreams. Consider Casey’s experience. She did finally tell her parents that she’s gay, and contrary to her expectations, they were happy and gratified that she shared this with them.
Exercise: Exploring Expectations
Have you hidden any parts of yourself from your parents or other family members because you fear they’ll be disappointed? Do any of these fears stem from expectations you think your parents have for you? Take some time to write about this in your journal. As you do so, also consider whether any of your fears reflect your own expectations about how your parents will react. If this is the case, you might write about parts of yourself that you’d like to share with them, and about how you might approach this in a way that reflects your true self and your wishes, along with your concerns about disappointing your parents.
In chapter 1, we discussed common communication blocks. Not surprisingly, many of these tend to cause problems in family communication. You can probably easily come up with examples of how advising, arguing, and being right show up and cause problems in your own family, especially in your interactions with your parents. These issues come up a lot as teens test their limits and become more independent. Another block that comes up often—and that may seem a bit surprising at first—is mind reading. Another is rehearsing.
As mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, it can be all too easy to assume that your family members know everything about you or understand your thoughts and feelings, and vice versa. After all, your parents and perhaps your siblings have known you your entire life. It’s easy for family members to fall into the habit of predicting or assuming each others’ reactions and responses based upon past experiences and interactions. This assumption of familiarity can make active listening more challenging and lead to the misconceptions, misperceptions, and misunderstandings that result from not bringing full awareness to conversations.
kelly My mom and I know each other very well—we talk every day and share a lot with each other. Sometimes one or both of us assume that we know what the other is thinking or feeling. A lot of times this works because we get each other. But it can cause problems in situations where either of us reacts or feels differently than the other predicts.
For example, the issue of mind reading in family communication came up between my mom and me when we were working on this book. We were talking about what to include in chapter 10, specifically the idea of bringing awareness to individual strengths and weaknesses when preparing for an interview. Here’s how the conversation went:
Michelle: Do you like the idea of including an example of identifying strengths and weaknesses?
Kelly: I think it’s a good idea.
Michelle: It reminds me of the time Eric was in the hospital and we were talking about Jake’s…
Kelly: Yeah, I know, but I don’t think we should use that as an example.
Michelle: I wasn’t suggesting using it as an example. I was just bringing up the story because it’s funny.
Kelly: Oh.
What just happened? In families, it isn’t unusual to predict what other family members are going to say. We grow accustomed to hearing each other say certain things more than once. Then, when that seems to be happening once again, we may automatically take a shortcut to the end of the conversation. Unfortunately, we often jump to the wrong conclusion, which can derail a conversation.
Here’s a classic example of mind reading. Esther, who’s sixteen, wants to go to a concert with her friends on a Thursday night. In the past, her parents have expressed concern about her staying out late on school nights, and they generally haven’t agreed to it. She decides to ask about this concert anyway, in the hopes that they might change their minds. When she brings it up, her dad’s first response is to remind her why he’s hesitant to let her stay out so late and get so little sleep on a school night. As Esther hears him saying this, she feels frustrated and starts talking over her dad, telling him that it’s unfair that he won’t make an exception this one time.
However, Esther’s dad was just expressing his concerns before agreeing to let her go. Unfortunately, because Esther was mind reading, she started to argue before he was done speaking. As a result, he felt frustrated with her in return. Esther didn’t give her dad the opportunity to tell her that he was willing to let her to go to the concert.
Another common listening block in family communications is rehearsing. Let’s revisit Esther’s situation. When her dad started telling her he was concerned about her staying out late on a weeknight, she started coming up with arguments in her head. As she rehearsed how she’d respond, she stopped listening to her dad. And as you may have noticed, when she interrupted him to argue, she introduced a third listening block (arguing).
Everything you’ve learned in this chapter will help you strengthen your communications with your family and engage in more self-disclosure. In addition, we recommend that you revisit the concepts of listening with empathy, openness, and awareness, discussed at the end of chapter 1. When communicating with people you know very well, it’s important to acknowledge feelings that may cause them to respond in a certain way, to listen without judgment, and to be aware of their beliefs or inquire about them.