To communicate that you hear or understand a child’s pressing needs, wishes, and wants, two conditions must be met. The parent must communicate the validating message, but the child must also be aware of the need to be heard and not just his or her desire for a cookie now. By setting a boundary (that is, “You can’t have cookie now”), children feel their resistance; they are not aware of their underlying need to be heard.
The next step is for the parent to identify their child’s emotion of anger or frustration in a calm and warm way. When a parent acknowledges this emotion, children become aware of what they feel. Although children may be angry, they are not yet aware that they feel angry.
With an awareness of their feelings, another doorway opens for the child. At this point, children can also identify and feel their need to be heard. When a child feels the need to be understood and that need is fulfilled, then the biggest part of the struggle is over. The child recognizes that he or she is being heard. This feeling of being heard is then confirmed when the parent says what the child is wanting.
All this occurs in a brief moment when the parent says, “I know you want a cookie now. You are really angry because you want a cookie and I won’t give you one.” The child’s response is a complete yes. It is hard to keep resisting when you are feeling yes, and you are being heard and understood.
The cookie example worked because both conditions were met. The parent communicated her understanding and the child felt his need to be understood being met. Though this technique is most effective with sensitive children, it works with all the four temperaments. It may just take a little longer with the sensitive children, because they need the understanding so much.
The more sensitive a child is, the more he or she may need to go deeper into their feelings. A parent can guide the child to deeper levels by simply remembering this easy format of emotions. Under children’s resistance are first anger, then sadness, and then fear. By giving children a chance to go deeper and feel these feelings, a door in their heart opens and they can feel their real and most important needs being met. Unless children go a little deeper, they stay on the surface only resisting and wanting the cookie.
Under children’s resistance are first anger, then sadness, and then fear.
For sensitive children, parents need to focus primarily on drawing out the anger, sadness, and fear, while acknowledging that they clearly understand what their child wants.
For active children, parents need to focus on a few of the primary feelings, but acknowledge what the child is doing or wanting to do. For example, you might say, “I know you have stopped everything to come over here and get a cookie. You are really angry because you want a cookie and I want you to wait until after dinner.” If a child is active, you can succeed in giving better understanding by just elaborating a little on what is physically happening or not happening and by letting the child know directly what you want him to do.
For responsive children who need redirection, you could add a little phrase like this, “I know you want a cookie now. You are really angry because you want a cookie and I won’t give you one. Let’s go over here and wrap up this cookie for you to have after dinner. Tonight we are going to have pink salmon and fluffy white potatoes. Look at these potatoes…”
For receptive children who need more rhythm, add the element of time and it will work a little better. Use the phrase, “I know you want a cookie now. You are really angry because you don’t want to wait. Right now it is time to get ready for dinner and after dinner it will be time to eat dessert. First we eat and then we have dessert.” Receptive children need a little rhythm and then they can relax.
Each of these four different approaches works best when applied to the appropriate child, but the original example would also work. Remember that every child has a little bit of each of the temperaments. Any of these approaches will work.