Whenever parents express negative emotions, children will feel that they have not measured up to a parent’s expectations or are in some way inadequate or not good enough. They will feel they have failed in pleasing their parents. This feeling of failure or inadequacy will eventually numb children’s willingness to respond freely. When a parent apologizes later for yelling, the child doesn’t feel bad or unworthy. It is difficult to nurture the good in our children when we do things to make them feel bad.
Sharing negative emotions is helpful when we want to feel better. It is inappropriate to use our children to listen to our feelings to make ourselves feel better. It is healthy to need our children to cooperate, but not healthy to use them as a therapist or best friend. Children are still learning to deal with their own feelings; they cannot handle hearing their parents’ feelings.
An adult needs to go to another adult and not to a child to get support for feelings.
Whenever a parent expresses negative feelings, the children will eventually feel manipulated by feelings and stop listening. They will not only stop listening to their parents, but to their own feelings as well.
As with all other forms of manipulation, children tend to rebel later as teenagers to the extent they had to be obedient. Cooperative children don’t need to rebel or disconnect from their parents to develop their independence. They can pull away to find themselves without giving up or rejecting the support of their parents.