I remember when I first experienced the power of commanding. Even before I raised my children, I was teaching a workshop for children of broken families. Many of these children were very unruly and uncooperative, which is why their parents enrolled them in my workshop.
At a certain point, the oldest child in the group, who was about fourteen, became very resistant to my requests. I proceeded to send him into the next room for a time out. He resisted and said, “What are you going to do about it?”
Although back then I didn’t know different positive-parenting skills, I realized that the threat of punishment was not going to work. As he glared at me, I could see that what ever I said would be countered with a “so what.”
Since he was already being punished to the maximum in his life, another punishment meant nothing to him. He had stopped caring and was defiant. He was also much bigger than I was. I didn’t really know what else to do, so I just looked him in the eyes and continued to command him in a clear and firm voice saying, “I want you to take a time out for about fifteen minutes.” Our conversation went on as follows:
TEENAGER: And what if I don’t?
ME: I want you to go in the next room and take a time out for fifteen minutes.
TEENAGER: You can’t make me.
ME: I want you to go in the next room and take a time out for fifteen minutes.
TEENAGER: You are a wimp, you can’t make me.
ME: I want you to go in the next room and take a time out for fifteen minutes.
TEENAGER: What are you going to do if I don’t?
ME: I want you to go in the next room and take a time out for fifteen minutes.
He made an expression of disgust and walked away into the other room.
After about fifteen minutes, I went into the other room and, in a friendly manner, said, “If you want to join us, you are welcome, but if you need more time alone, I will certainly understand.”
He silently nodded his head as if he would think about it. I left the room in a friendly way, and a few minutes later he came out and joined the group. This experience was great preparation for successfully dealing with the inevitable resis tance I encountered with my own children.
You can see that if I had reacted to his comments or answered any of the questions, my position would have weakened. Ultimately, every child, until ready to leave home, needs parents to assert leadership and be the boss. Ultimately, when faced with a caring adult whose commands are clear, an unruly child will eventually yield without threats or disapproval.