3. Expecting Your Child to Sit Quietly
Some parents misunderstand the whole purpose of a time out. They expect the child to sit quietly and cool off. Instead of giving a time out for the child to feel and release negative emotions, these parents discourage the child from getting upset. They give messages like, “If you continue to resist then your time out doesn’t begin until you stop.”
A time out works because it gives children the opportunity to resist more. Encouraging your children to give up resisting and sit quietly instead is not a time out. Children should feel free to resist a time out. They are not supposed to like it, and they are not supposed to be quiet.
Children should feel free to resist a time out.
There is nothing wrong with giving a child a cooling off period. This is a form of redirection and one of the nurturing skills. If children are getting hyper and resist cooperating, then having them cool off by sitting in a corner or on a special bench is fine. This is similar to having children take naps when they become too fussy and resistant to direction.
A cooling-off period is not the same as a time out. In a cooling-off period, children are encouraged to be quiet and may even be rewarded for taking some time to cool off. Cooling off does not encourage children to move through their feelings. The first step in learning to manage negative feelings is to feel them and release them. As children get older (around the age of nine), they are able to feel and release emotions without a time out.
Just cooling off does not encourage children to move through their feelings.
A parent might say to an argumentative teenager, “This isn’t working. I want you to take some time in your room to cool off and then we can talk again.” This cooling off is all the teenager may need. While this is similar to a time out, it is still different; it is just directing your teenager to another activity to lessen resistance.
If the teenager resisted and the parent commanded and the teenager still resisted, then it would be a time out. The teenager would eventually storm away to his room. At such times, the parent must be very careful not to reprimand the child for resistance, but to continue commanding until the child goes into his room. When the teenager comes out, he will seem to be a different person.