The most common mistake fathers make is to offer solutions instead of empathy when their children are upset and need to express their resistance to life. Men love to solve problems and often pride themselves on being a “Mr. Fix-It.” Fathers don’t remember that sometimes children just want someone to understand why they are upset rather than to be offered a solution to feel better right away. When children always get solutions, they eventually stop sharing their inner world.
On Mars, they talk about problems when they are looking for solutions, otherwise their attitude is to not talk. “If there is nothing you can do about it, then just forget it.” On Venus it is the opposite. Their attitude is: “If there is nothing you can do, then at least we can talk about it.” Men generally don’t understand or even comprehend that women can get great pleasure from sharing their pain. On Mars, it may seem inexplicable, but on Venus it is a common experience.
In a similar manner, fathers tend to ignore their children’s problems by offering solutions or making light of them, not realizing that they now feel put down or minimized. Once my daughter explained why she didn’t like being helped with math homework by one of my friends. She said, “Whenever I have a problem, he says, ‘That’s simple.’ It makes me feel like I am stupid for not knowing.”
When parents don’t sympathize or listen to their children’s resistance to life, children misinterpret our intent. When parents have easy solutions, children may feel as if something is wrong with them or they are making too big a deal out of something, rather than feeling safe and nurtured. Before children even consider how upset they should be, they should first feel safe to experience their emotions. When parents restrain themselves from offering quick fixes, children get the trust and caring they need.
Here are some things a father may say that may invalidate children’s vulnerable feelings:
Don’t worry about it.
It’s no big deal.
So what’s the point?
This is not that difficult.
It’s not so bad.
These things happen.
That’s ridiculous.
This is what you should do.
Just do something else.
Just do it.
I don’t get it.
Get to the point.
It’ll be okay.
It’s not so important.
Just deal with it.
What do you want me to do?
Why are you telling me?
With a greater awareness of how they may unknowingly invalidate their children’s feelings, fathers can more effectively give the support that girls and boys need. Although women can relate to wanting their husbands to listen, they often forget to listen to their children sometimes. Instead of giving children room to be upset or disappointed, they too will try to fix it.
It is fine to be a problem solver when that is what your children are asking for. In most cases, a parent needs to listen longer and say less to have their children share more and listen more. By giving up trying to solve your children’s problems, your job will be easier, and your children will be happier.