HIDING MISTAKES AND NOT TELLING THE TRUTH
When children fear punishment or the loss of love in response to their mistakes, they learn to hide their mistakes. Rather than face punishment, they would rather hide what they have done and hope that they don’t get caught. This leads to lying. This tendency to hide mistakes gradually develops a split inside. The child has to live in two worlds. In one world, she may be getting her parents’ love, and in the other, she believes that, if her mistake were discovered, she would lose love. This has the impact of negating the love she does get.
When children do something wrong and hide their mistake, a part of them feels unworthy of their parents’ love. Even when the parent does love, support, praise, or acknowledge the child, a little part of himself feels, “Yes, but you wouldn’t say that if you knew what I did.” This feeling of unworthiness continues to push away the love and support that is bestowed on this child. Although there is love to support him, he is unable to let it in. To the extent that children have to hide their mistakes, they will invalidate the real love and support that is available to them.
When children hide a mistake, a part of themselves is unable to let love in.
Children depend on support from their parents to feel powerful and confident. When this support is cut off, the child becomes increasingly insecure. It is very wounding when anyone tells a child, “Now don’t tell your mother or father. This will be our little secret.” If the child doesn’t feel safe to reveal all to her parents regarding her mistakes or the mistakes of others, then a wall goes up separating the child from her parents’ support.
It is even more wounding when one parent demands that a child keep a secret from the other parent. It may even be a casual message, “Okay, I will give you this ice cream, but don’t tell your father.” This message brings the child too close to the mother and disconnects the child from the father.
It is even more wounding when the request for secrecy is backed by the threat of punishment. For example, when a child is mistreated by his father, the father may say, “I will hurt you if you tell your mother.” Unless this child tells the mother, the concealment is more wounding than the mistreatment that he received. Mistakes happen and can be healed, but if the child feels he can’t be open with his parents, then the healing stops.