The act of expressing negative emotions enables children to feel. Children become aware of their feelings by first expressing negative emotions. Feeling is the ability to know what is going on inside ourselves. Getting in touch with feelings makes us more aware of who we are, what we need, wish, and want. The ability to feel helps us to recognize and respect what others need, wish, and want as well. Listening to our children express negative emotions helps them to develop their ability to feel.
Getting in touch with feelings makes us more aware of who we are, what we need, wish, and want.
Creating safe opportunities for children to express and feel emotions of anger, sadness, and fear reconnects our children to their basic inner need for their parents’ love. Suddenly, getting their parents’ love becomes much more important than what they were upset about. When a child throws a huge tantrum because he or she can’t have a cookie, this child has just temporarily forgotten who is the boss and the importance of love over getting a cookie. Supporting children in expressing negative emotions will always bring them back to feeling their need for their parents’ love and a strong desire to cooperate and please their parents.
When children throw tantrums, they have temporarily forgotten who is the boss and the importance of being loved.
With an increased awareness of their need for love, suddenly the need for a cookie diminishes, the tantrum dissipates, and the child becomes more cooperative. In this way, children become once again grounded in their true self, which is happy, loving, confident, and peaceful. They are aware once again of their need for their parents’ love and their innate willingness to cooperate and please them. All this comes from creating a safe opportunity for children not to get their way, to throw a tantrum, and not to risk punishment or the loss of love in the process.
Listening with empathy and giving time outs are the most powerful ways a parent can give the message that it is okay to express negative feelings. Even when children resist going into a time out, it is okay. They may get angry and say mean things. That is okay. A time out is an opportunity for children to resist with all their might and then finally surrender to the parents’ control. It is important for children to know that they are not bad for resisting a time out or for having to take one. It is seen simply a natural part of growing up.
You must make sure that you are not placating a child to avoid a tantrum, otherwise tantrums will happen when you don’t have an opportunity to give your child a time out to deal with his or her feelings. Children need to feel that they are in their parents’ control. When children stop feeling in their parents’ control or sense that their parents can’t control them, they seek control by becoming demanding or by throwing a tantrum.