When giving empathy messages, a child may resist and correct the parent by saying, “That is not what I am feeling” and then proceed to talk about how she is feeling. Even if you believe you were right, it is important not to interrupt her flow to defend your observation. The point is not to be right, but to help your child express her feelings.
When a child is upset, there are always a variety of feelings inside. By pointing out one feeling a child may be having, he will quickly move on to another by saying, “No I’m not angry; I am sad.” Although it may feel as if he is not listening to you, try to remember that this is the time when he needs you to listen to him. When a child’s feelings shift and move on, it is a good thing.
When children resist, try to remember that this is the time when they need you to listen to them.
With a greater awareness of their different feelings, children can more quickly let go of them. If a child rejects your empathy or corrects your statement with a comment like, “That’s not how I feel…,” make sure you don’t get into an argument. Just accept the resistance and keep listening. As the child continues to talk about his or her feelings, you have succeeded in helping.
If a child has not had ample opportunities to express feelings in the recent past, then empathizing with current feelings may open up a whole box of feelings. All the things that have bothered the child over the last several months or even years may begin to come up. This is good. Let it happen.
Just listen. Once it is out, the child will soon feel better. Parents often make the mistake of trying to cut children off by pointing out that they are not correct or they are getting off the subject. That does not need to be said. Instead, just let them talk, and eventually they will be able to forget the past and appreciate you for listening.