To teach children this important behavior, the most important technique is modeling. As we have explored in Chapter 3, instead of simply giving demands or commands, make sure that you make requests using “will,” “would,” “please,” and “thank you.” When children make demands or commands, instead of telling them not to be disrespectful, simply model a better way they could have expressed the request.
When a four year old says, “Daddy, give me that!” simply say in response, “Daddy, would you give me that? Sure, I would be happy to give you that.” Then, simply give him what he asked for as if he had said those words.
This technique made parenting so much easier for me. When my children would become too demanding or sound disrespectful, instead of getting into a power struggle correcting them or trying to make them say what I wanted them to say, I simply modeled what I wanted them to say and then responded as if they had said it.
The only reason children don’t express themselves in a more respectful way is that they haven’t yet learned. We don’t need to correct them; we just need to demonstrate what works. As parents, it is our job to teach them. As they continue to see that it feels good and it works, they follow suit.
If my daughter were angry and said, “Daddy, get out of my room,” I would say, “Daddy, would you please leave my room? Certainly, I would be happy to.” Then I would leave the room.
This clearly gives them the message of how to ask in a way that works. It would be a waste of time and energy to argue with my child, saying, “Don’t tell me what to do. You ask me politely or I will not leave.” This kind of approach just creates unnecessary resistance.
Children need to feel free to ask for what they want knowing that they will not be shamed. Even if it is not expressed perfectly, they should be respected in return. They also need to know that, just because they ask, it doesn’t mean that they will get what they want. The way they ask should not be the reason a parent says no. When a child asks, she is always doing her best. If she fails, she is not bad; she just needs more modeling, or more nurturing, or a time out.