IMPROVING COMMUNICATION WITH TEENS
With teens, parents must be careful to not offer unsolicited advice. Teens have just developed their ability to think abstractly and form their own opinions. They now have the ability to consider another’s point of view, but first they need to have someone to hear and consider their opinions. Even if they ask you what you think, don’t answer before first asking them what they think.
Taking time to have conversations with teens on other topics besides what you want them to do will minimize their need to resist your control. At this stage, they need to argue and express their unique or different opinions. Talk with them about what they are studying in history and social studies and hear their opinions.
Teens need to assert a different point of view. Even when you don’t agree with their point of view, you can at least appreciate their logic. You might say, “I would never have thought of that,” or “Well, I don’t agree, but that sure makes good sense,” or “That’s the good thing about America, everyone has the right to his own opinion.”
Even when you don’t agree with their point of view, you can at least appreciate their logic.
Give your teens the opportunity to experience your open-mindedness in another context besides the issue of how late they can stay out. They will learn that it is okay to disagree and have different opinions through your appreciation of their logic and opinions. This is an important experience. If you are open to their opinions, they will not be so demanding when it comes to expecting more freedom than they are ready for. Unless given the opportunity to disagree about current events, they will feel a need to disagree with you personally.
Give your teens the opportunity to experience your open-mindedness in another context besides the issue of how late they can stay out.
Resistant teens don’t want to be told what to do. Before using the command skills of asserting leadership, parents first need to hear the logic of a teen’s objections. A parent can then say, “I understand you think you should be able to get a tattoo. I hear that everyone else is doing it. I will consider what you are saying, but right now I want you to wait until you are eighteen to decide about getting a tattoo.”
Teens have a much greater sense of justice and fairness than younger children. When parents behave like dictators, teens are sure to rebel. Listening and working together to decide about how much freedom a teen should be allowed will strengthen the bond between parents and teens.
Before giving a command, parents should first ask for cooperation, listen to the teen’s resistance, and respect the teen’s opinion. Then parents can express what they want, which might sound like this, “I understand you believe this is not fair. You want to spend time with your friends, and I want you to be here to see your cousins. I know you don’t want to do this, but this is important to me. I want you to be there. I want you to be friendly and polite to them for two hours, and then you are free to go.”