JAMIE COULD HAVE cheerfully choked the life out of Kellan Chance—even if she’d have to spend the rest of her life in prison. Even the specter of incarceration and a chain-gang existence couldn’t deter her from her death wish for the man. There they’d been, innocently sitting side by side on the couch in Dr. Hampton’s inner office, with her blithely telling Dr. Hampton that she and Kell had achieved closure, when suddenly Kell had said he had some questions.
Talk about betrayal. No wonder I have problems with commitment. Jamie crossed her arms over her chest and silently fumed as the men talked about her as if she weren’t there. And she couldn’t do a thing about it, either! After all, she was the one who’d asked Dr. Hampton if Kell could sit in on her session. She was the one who’d told him that Kell had something important to say. And she was the one who’d been royally set up. Never trust a SEAL. That was her new motto.
“So, Dr. Hampton,” Kell asked, “what’s a good working definition of closure? I’m not sure Jamie has ever really given me one. So how can I say for sure that we have it if I don’t know what it is?”
“Point taken.” Dr. Hampton stroked his beard and nodded. “Closure. Let me see if I can put it in lay terms, Commander Chance. I suppose you’d say it was an end point, really. It’s not about happy or unhappy endings. What it is about is closing a door on a situation or a relationship in such a way that you can peacefully live with it. It’s an acknowledgment that something or even someone didn’t turn out how you’d have liked, but you know you did everything you could do to affect a good outcome. It’s knowing that you’re okay with the situation and can move on.”
“Hmm,” Kell said thoughtfully. “So, basically, it’s about letting go?”
“That’s an excellent way of putting it. It’s essentially living with the realization that not all relationships are going to be as you’d have them. But it goes beyond that, too. Because it’s not a closure until you can truly live with the situation or the decision of another.”
“I see. Until I can sleep at night without drugs and then face myself in the mirror every day when I shave.”
“Uh, well, yes, that’s one way of putting it, Commander. You’re a very astute thinker.”
Jamie rolled her eyes. Oh, please. The Mutual Admiration Society meeting will now come to order. She glared at Kell, only to see him staring…and grinning…right back at her. It took every adult instinct Jamie possessed not to stick her tongue out at him.
Kell chuckled, then turned to face Dr. Hampton. “Thank you, Dr. Hampton. I appreciate the explanation. Unfortunately, though, I have to admit that Jamie and I aren’t anywhere near having closure. Not yet.”
Jamie gasped, grabbing Kell’s shirtsleeve. “Of course we are, Kellan Chance. I’m over you.” She poked him with her finger, then looked at Dr. Hampton. “Really, I am!”
Dr. Hampton shifted in his leather-upholstered chair as if he was uncomfortable. He kept looking at Jamie as if he’d never met her before and was a bit alarmed by the desperation she was displaying.
Jamie rushed on. “He’s just angry because I’m over him. He even accused me of having sex with him to get him to come here and say we have achieved closure.”
Dr. Hampton’s eyes rounded as he looked from her…to Kell, who nodded…and back to her. “If that’s true, then this is a very serious charge, Jamie. And extremely unethical on your part.”
Jamie froze…and then began perspiring. She hadn’t thought of her bright idea to bring Kell here today for a quick fix to her licensing dilemma in those terms. But now she could see that was exactly what she’d done—jeopardized her career by holding her forgiveness over Kell’s head in exchange for getting him to lie for her. She hung her head. She didn’t deserve to be in practice. Knowing what she had to do, she opened her mouth to confess—but Kell jumped in first.
“That’s not it Dr. Hampton. The sex was three days ago and had nothing to do with today. She was right to be angry about the things I said to her. In fact, it wasn’t until I went over to her place today that she invited me to come with her today.”
“Kell,” Jamie said quietly. “You’re lying and you know it. What I did was despicable and I should pay for it.”
Kell took Jamie’s hands in his. “You’re not despicable, Jamie you’re the most honorable person I know. I was the one out of line, not you.”
She couldn’t have loved him more than she did at this moment. But neither could she allow him to compromise himself. Kell believed in duty and honor. This would cost him heavily consciencewise and it was up to her to make things right. “But, Kell, I did ask you to come here today to say we had achieved closure.”
He nodded. “You did. And I came because I thought, at that time, that we did have closure. But then Dr. Hampton defined the concept for me. And then I realized that maybe we really didn’t have it. So, see? You didn’t lie. I just changed my mind.”
“You did not.” Jamie glanced down at her hands, held tightly in his. It looked so right. And yet, everything else was so wrong. When had it ever been any different? “You’re just trying to protect me.”
Kell released her hands and gently raised her chin. His dark eyes were clear, his voice unwavering in its sincerity. “I’m not lying.”
Jamie felt she didn’t deserve this man. “You are. I know you, and I can tell.”
Kell sat back. “I’m not so sure you do know me, Jamie. I’ve changed.”
“You keep saying that, but I don’t see how.”
“You don’t? Well, I have a desk job now at the base. I’m not putting my life on the line anymore. That’s a major change.”
A shocking one, too. “A desk job? Why do you have a desk job?”
He shrugged. “All I can say is that it has something to do with how I was wounded. And here’s another way I’ve changed. I’m here with you now in a psychologist’s office, trying to come to some kind of understanding about our relationship. That’s another change.”
It was, and she was forced to concede as much. “You’re right. You’d always said therapy was just a bunch of psycho mumbo jumbo.”
Dr. Hampton cleared his throat. “Excuse me, if I may break in at this point…with a bit of, uh, psycho mumbo jumbo?”
Jamie had forgotten the doctor was in the room.
When they turned to look at him, Dr. Hampton said, “Thank you. May I just say that the two of you behave as if you’ve been married for ten years? And I’m not so sure I mean that totally in a bad way. But my comment speaks to the obvious, the years of intimacy and caring—and disagreements—between the two of you that keep you at odds with each other, unable to resolve your differences.”
Hearing the note of censure in his voice, despite his somewhat reassuring assessment, Jamie sat quietly looking down at her lap. Could this be worse? She glanced up at Kell. He looked as guilty as she felt, but his expression was also tinged with little-boy belligerence. He looked so endearing, that it was hard for her not to laugh. She firmed her lips together and bit down on the inside of her cheek, believing that to laugh now would certainly end her career before it ever got off the ground.
“Well, then, having said that,” Dr. Hampton said into the silence, “allow me also to say that I am just going to forget what you told me about the circumstances that brought you both here today. Instead, I’d like to focus on what I’ve been hearing. We’ve got something to build with here. You two obviously care very much for each other, but are no closer to closure than China is geographically to North Dakota. So here’s my proposal.”
Dr. Hampton took a breath and consulted his notes. Jamie couldn’t help feeling a thrill, hearing his assessment that she and Kell cared very much for each other. It was that obvious to a third party? That had to mean something. She exchanged a here-we-go glance with Kell and then looked at Dr. Hampton.
“I’ll start with you, Jamie. You still have a fair amount of time left to clear this situation up.”
She nodded. Then Kell cut in. “And I’m already on a thirty-day leave, sir.”
“Yes, you mentioned a wound of some sort. I assume you’re all right?”
He shrugged. “Yeah. It was a line-of-duty thing.”
“I understand. Still, it’s very generous of you, Commander Chance, to give of your time.” Dr. Hampton then addressed them both. “What I want you to do in the time that remains to you, if you’ll both agree, is to behave differently toward each other. And by that, I mean you are to proceed as if you have no past together. As if you’d never met before now, this very minute, right here in my office.”
Jamie frowned, not sure where he was going with this. “You mean like strangers? I don’t see how that would help us resolve our past issues.”
“Let me finish. After everything I’ve just observed, I now believe your only chance at some sort of closure that is acceptable to you both is if you do remain in each other’s lives. Am I right?”
Jamie wanted to jump up and yell that yes he was right, but she wasn’t about to do that if Kell didn’t feel the same way. She looked at him. He was looking at her. His dark eyes met hers and held. Neither one spoke.
“I see no one wishes to contradict me,” Dr. Hampton said, amusement in his voice. “Therefore, I shall proceed. I’m beginning to think the reason you two can’t achieve any kind of closure is because you’re victims of that old saying ‘Can’t live with him, can’t live without him.’ And why? Because, I believe, you continue to behave toward each other exactly the way you always have. You won’t allow the other one to be different. And can’t trust that the other one actually may have changed. Are we in agreement so far?”
“I’m with you, Dr. Hampton,” Kell said. He turned to Jamie, who couldn’t believe this most reasonable of beings sitting next to her was the Kellan Chance she knew. “I think I get it, Jamie. I’ve only ever taken physical risks, as if putting my life on the line proves I’m alive. When in truth I’m only alive if I have you.”
Tears rounded Jamie’s eyes. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that, Kell? To know that you’d realize how precious you are to me and how I need you safe and by my side?”
Kell reached over to clasp her hand. Thus encouraged, Jamie looked to Dr. Hampton. “All right, apparently we’re going to try to make this work. How do we go about this plan of yours?”
“It’s simple, actually. You need to retrace your steps through all the stages of your relationship. The first one is a rekindling of your friendship, a rediscovery and acknowledgment of the other one’s traits that you admire. From there, you start to date. But you’ll do it as two people who’ve only just met,” Dr. Hampton informed them. “In other words, you can bring up no recriminations about past behaviors or failed attempts at a relationship because you never had one.”
“Sounds like…fun,” Kell said, grimacing slightly.
Jamie darted a glance his way, wondering if he was pulling back because of the warm, intense things he’d just said to her. He had to be as startled as she was that he’d revealed such personal insight. The poor guy. He’d probably never really questioned himself or his behavior before now. These new feelings had to be unsettling.
Jamie sent him a warm smile of understanding. But Kell avoided her eyes. Jamie took a deep resolute breath and faced her therapist. “I agree with Kell. It sounds like fun. And I think it’s worth a try.”
Dr. Hampton’s eyes lit with pleasure. “Good. This is a perfect opportunity to find out if you would have been compatible if you’d never met until now.”
The psychologist/researcher in Jamie began to get interested. “But we’ll still bring our personalities and our old fears into this new relationship. How do we handle all that?”
Kell sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees and folding his hands together. “I was wondering the same thing.”
Dr. Hampton nodded. “I understand that this will be a bit false, given that you’re both shaped by your past relationships with each other. And it may not work…but maybe try this. Pretend that you had those relationships with other people and not each other.”
Jamie sat up straight. “That’s brilliant, Dr. Hampton. Then we should be able to listen more objectively to each other if we take our hurt feelings out of the picture.” She beamed at Kell. “This could work. We wouldn’t have anything to be defensive about.”
Kell sat back and frowned. “Sort of like listening to each other gripe about someone else, right, Dr. Hampton?”
“Essentially. But I prefer the word evaluate over gripe. So, do you think this is something you can do?”
Dr. Hampton was looking at Kell. Jamie held her breath, waiting for his answer. She figured her mentor assumed she’d go along with the idea because…what choice did she have?
Kell nodded slowly. “I’ll give it a whirl. Still, I’m starting to feel like a guinea pig.”
“You might be. But only with your own feelings. This is a common concern raised by couples who’ve known each other since they were mere children. ‘Would we have fallen in love if we’d met when we were older and therefore were different people?’ they always wonder. I will admit, it’s an intriguing angle.”
Jamie found it hard to contain her growing enthusiasm. “I really like this. It’s exciting.” Then she caught Kell’s smug expression. Her heart leaped. “The psychology aspects of it, Kell, are exciting. Don’t go preening just yet.”
He frowned. “I do not preen.”
“Well then, here we go,” Dr. Hampton said loudly, obviously jumping in before another round of squabbling could fire up. He stood up and indicated for them to do the same. Then he performed an introduction ceremony. “Lieutenant Commander Kellan Chance, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Dr. Jamie Winslow, Ph.D. Jamie, this is Kellan. Kellan…Jamie. Now, shake hands…and don’t come out fighting.”
THE GRAND EXPERIMENT hit a snag within ten minutes. Kell was standing outside the glass-and-steel high-rise building that housed Dr. Hampton’s office, Jamie at his side. Traffic chugged by on Kennedy Boulevard. The day was inexcusably hot and beautiful. To each side of the double-wide glass doors behind them, a tall hedge of blooming gardenias filled the air with their sweet and cloying scent. People, intent on their own business, swarmed around them.
But Kell and Jamie were intent only on each other. They were arguing.
Kell stood like a boulder in the midst of the busy stream of humanity flowing past them. His arms were crossed, and he was frowning. “I still can’t believe you used your cell phone to call a cab. I drove you here, and I’ll give you a ride home.”
“Sorry, Kell, I can’t. I wouldn’t get in the car of a man I’d just met. You should know that.”
“How? I’m the man you just met, remember?” Already hating Dr. Hampton’s stupid idea, Kell let out an exasperated breath. “Come on, Jamie, be reasonable. Let me give you a ride home and then I’ll call you and ask you out. We can set up a date and go from there like we just met.”
Jamie crossed her arms. “Excuse me? What happened to the friendship stage? The just-liking-each-other part?”
“We can’t do that if we’re not together, right? Besides, I already like you. And you like me. So let’s go out to dinner.”
“Listen to you, you smug thing. How do you know I’ll say yes? And…how do you know I won’t call you first and ask you out?”
“Because you’ve never done that before.”
She grinned. “Gotcha. How do you know what I’ve done before? For all you know, I could be a nun or a nudie-bar dancer.”
Kell could only stare at the sweet face of the woman who excited—and frustrated—the hell out of him. Just the sight of her made his pulse pick up its pace. For some reason, she alone fired his jets. “I don’t think you’d be asking me out if you were a nun, Jamie.”
“That’s true. Bad example. But would you go out with me if I danced in nudie bars?”
Kell grinned. “You don’t know much about men, do you, Dr. Winslow? Hell, yes, I would. You’d make a great nude dancer. You certainly have the attributes.”
She pursed her lips. “Just never mind my attributes, mister. Another crack like that and I may not want to call you.”
Kell grinned and leaned in toward her, lowering his voice. “Why? Because I said you have a nice body? You do. I’ve seen it.”
Fighting a grin, she pushed him back. “You have not. We just met.”
“Oh. Right.” Kell realized he was suddenly excited by the prospect of not knowing how Jamie would react, and of learning every new thing about her. He’d been right earlier—this could be fun. Safe and kinky fun. He crossed his arms and looked at her assessingly. “Say you do call me and ask me out. How do you know I’ll accept?”
Awareness flared in Jamie’s blue eyes. “Well, I don’t know, do I? Guess I’ll just have to call to find out.”
Watching her warmed Kell considerably. Could it be that she, too, had suddenly realized the sensual possibilities of this charade, this thrill of the unknown they were engaging in? A flutter in his belly had Kell feeling suddenly edgy. Suddenly, he couldn’t wait to get to know her. Beyond that, he couldn’t wait to pursue her…or to allow her to pursue him, as the case may be. “This is going to be fun, Jamie. Big fun.”
She turned that grin loose and beamed. “I can’t wait to get home to see who calls the other one first.”
“Well, here, let me make it simple for you. You call me. I love being pursued.”
Jamie looked at him questioningly. “You do? I didn’t know that about you.”
Kell shrugged. “There’re a lot of things you don’t know about me, Dr. Winslow.”
Her grin was back. “You can call me Jamie.”
“Thanks.” He stuck his hand out. “Hi, Jamie. You can call me Kell.”
Jamie slipped her hand into his. Kell—overcome with joy at this chance of a new beginning with her—exuberantly tugged her into his embrace and swung her around. Jamie clung tightly to him and laughed her pleasure. Then Kell put her down, and ignoring startled passersby, he held Jamie out from him and looked down into her sweet, sexy face. “This is going to be great, Jamie. I haven’t felt this good in a long time.”
“Me, neither. It seems so positive, Kell. Finally. I’m so glad all our emotional baggage won’t be in the way.” Then, without warning, she did a one-eighty, becoming the seductress. She trailed a finger down his chest, and her voice was a purr that made Kell shiver where he stood. “But there is one thing you should know about me right up front, Mr. Kellan Chance.”
Under her spell, Kell tensed with desire. “Only one? All right, what is it?”
Leaning into him, Jamie looked up at him through her long, dark eyelashes. “I don’t go to bed on a first date.”
Pretending to be crestfallen, Kell let go of her and took a step back. He held his hands up, signaling a halt. “There’s a problem. I do.”
Jamie advanced on him and swatted playfully at his arm. “You little tramp. You do not.”
He chuckled. “I can’t believe you called me a tramp. But how do you—a new acquaintance of mine—know I don’t put out on a first date?”
Jamie silently considered him, sending him a sidelong glance. “You’re right. I don’t. But, there’s only one way for me to find out, isn’t there?”
Kell favored her with his best suggestive grin. “That’s the way I see it.”
Just then, a cab pulled up in front of them. Jamie hailed the driver and then turned to Kell. “Well, my ride’s here. It was nice meeting you.”
Kell chuckled. “The pleasure was all mine.” And it was. He couldn’t believe it. He was giddy with excitement. It was like…bam! Love at first sight. “All right. Here we go.” He opened the back door of the cab and helped her in.
“Thank you. You’re such a gentleman,” she said from the back seat.
Kell shrugged away the compliment. “I try to make my mother proud.”
Jamie shook her head with a smile. Then she gave the driver her address and asked him to wait a moment. She turned to Kell. “So, can I call you sometime?”
Clutching the cab’s open back door with one hand, Kell draped himself in the opening and leaned over to see her. “Sure. I’d like that.”
“Great. What’s your phone number?”
Kell closed the cab door. Jamie rolled her window down and looked expectantly at him. “It’s in the book,” he said, winking at her before he turned to swagger away, triumphant, toward the parking garage.
But a feminine shout of appreciation… “Whoa, honey, I wish I had that swing in my backyard!”…and a whistle halted Kell in his tracks. He whipped around to see the cab departing and Jamie leaning out the window, blowing kisses his way. Even the cabbie waved to him.
Embarrassment lit up Kell’s face as people who were walking by grinned and blatantly assessed his qualifications. Mustering what was left of his dignity, Kell did an about-face and marched toward the parking garage. Paybacks are hell, Dr. Winslow. Just wait until the next time I see you.
He had every reason to believe it would be that same evening.