AFTER THAT, Kell didn’t say a word. He didn’t move. He just lay under her and breathed…deeply and evenly.
Feeling as if she were shrinking inside, Jamie hated herself for her honesty. Just marry the man, for heaven’s sake, and worry about the rest of it later, her feminine conscience railed at her. But she couldn’t do that. Kell was too important to her to risk losing again. All she’d meant when she’d said she wasn’t sure she could give him the life he wanted with her was that she felt he needed to be aware of the pitfalls of her life before deciding on a life together. Well, gee, is that all? It’s a wonder that any therapist ever gets married, Jamie Winslow, Ph.D.
Kell moved to sit up and help Jamie off him. She retrieved her panties, shook the sand out of them, put them on, then arranged her clothes while he did the same. Then she sat next to him in the sand, suddenly feeling grittiness and the heavy humidity of the night wind.
Kell sat, looking out to sea. A muscle worked in his jaw. Jamie felt the chasm that had once again opened up between them. “The tide’s coming in,” he said absently. “I think we lost our shoes already.”
“If not our minds and our modesty,” Jamie added.
“Boy, our timing sucks, doesn’t it?”
The anger in his voice shouldn’t have surprised Jamie, but it did. With guilt pricking at her self-esteem, she picked at her skirt. “Yes. It always has.”
Kell looked at her. “You have to give me something here, Jamie. Anything to give me a reason to keep trying with you. Because right now, I’ve got squat to sustain me. You keep telling me, in so many words, that love’s not enough. All right, I believe you. Tell me why it isn’t. Tell me what stands in its way.”
“Our lives, Kell. The way we live them. Our differing expectations.”
His chuckle was more of a grunt. “I was hoping you wouldn’t have such a ready answer.”
“It’s the curse of my profession, all this analyzing.”
“Analyze this—I love you, you love me, and everything else is details.”
“That’s exactly right. Long-term happiness for any couple lies in the details, Kell. Expectations, goals, like that. Differing ones can make or break even the best of relationships. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
“This sounds like marriage therapy before the marriage. But go ahead…give me some details for long-term happiness.”
“All right. I’m going to get a lot of money for my book.”
He shrugged. “So far I’m happy.”
Despite herself, Jamie grinned. “I’m sure you are. But with that money comes tremendous responsibility. I have to travel and speak, be on TV and radio, be in the public eye, give interviews…things like that. They’re in my contract.”
“So? I wouldn’t stop you. Hell, I’d be proud and would help in any way I could.”
Jamie leaned over and kissed him. “You’re sweet to say that. And I believe you. But there would be nothing for you to do but stand by. I mean, you can’t help me write the book. And writing means a lot of time alone, too. Then I’d be off on those publicity tours. That means you could be pushed, emotionally and physically, to one side.”
“Sounds like Melanie’s life. She’s left behind when Jeff is gone. She worries all the time, and there’s not much he can do about it because he signed on for the danger in his life.”
A frisson of excitement shot through Jamie. This was new. This was different—and good—on Kell’s part. Finally he showed some understanding for things she’d been trying to tell him for years. “Go on,” she said, hoping she didn’t sound too much like a therapist.
“Well, I talked with Jeff the other night at the hospital about how they handle his absences and Melanie’s fears.”
“You did?” She was so proud of him.
“Yeah, I did.” He grinned but sounded a bit defensive. “You’re not the only one who thinks and worries, you know.”
Jamie looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry, Kell. Is that how I come across?”
Kell wrapped an arm around her shoulders and lightly kissed her temple. “It’s not your fault. I don’t tell you what I’m thinking. And I’m sorry for that, Jamie. I’m beginning to see that my silent treatment gave you nowhere to go. And here I blew off your fear, thinking you wouldn’t worry so much if I acted as if there was no reason for you to worry. Stupid, huh?”
“Not stupid. Just protective. It’s kind of sweet in a way, I guess.” Tears pricked Jamie’s eyes. She wiped at them and sniffed. “That must have been some talk you had with Jeff.”
Kell shrugged. “The talk was okay. But he made me think. He said there was nothing he could do about Melanie’s fears except to tell her that we may go into dangerous hot spots, but it’s our training and physical condition—the best in the world—that makes our missions successful and keeps us safe.”
“But then there was this last mission when you both got hurt.”
Guilt edged Kell’s eyes. He exhaled sharply. “Yeah. Then there was this last mission.” His jaw worked and he looked out toward the water. “It changed everything.”
“I’m so sorry, Kell.” Jamie grabbed a handful of sand and tossed it out in front of her. “Why does everything have to hit at once?”
Kell gave her his attention. “What’s hit? What happened?”
“I heard from my agent today. She asked me how the writing is going. I had to tell her I hadn’t even started. She was not amused and pretty much lectured me on self-discipline and told me I’d have to give up something for fame.”
“Like what?”
“Well, she mentioned friends, family and society.”
“Damn. That doesn’t leave much.”
Jamie met Kell’s gaze. “That’s what I said. And I just don’t want it to be us that I end up leaving behind. It’s funny, you know. Now I’m in your position, in a sense, and I see how you feel. This is something I have to do, and all I can hope for is support and understanding. Yet, I really have no right to ask you to put yourself through it. Jeez, could it be harder?”
“I don’t see how. But it sounds to me like I’m in the way, Jamie.”
Jamie’s heart hurt. She put a hand on his arm. A muscle flinched under her touch. “God, don’t say that. I hate it.”
“Me, too. But I think it’s the truth.”
Jamie gave in. “You’re right. I can’t say it isn’t. I keep getting this picture of us as newlyweds trying to make a life together when one of us is always absent from the picture.”
“Like movie stars.”
“Exactly,” Jamie grumbled. “And everyone knows their success rate with marriage.”
“So what are you saying? We should wait until all the hype with your book settles down?”
“I’m not so sure it will settle down, or that I want it to. I mean, there would go my sales and my career. So, to make sure that doesn’t happen, I’ll be optioned to do another book after this one. Best-case scenario is…this is an ongoing thing, Kell.”
“Ah, the life of a celebrity.”
“Exactly. But this is what I want, Kell. Just like being a SEAL is what you want. I know you have a sense of duty. And I like that. In the same way, I’m very excited by all the possibilities open to me because I really think I have something to say through my work. But right now, I’m more worried about you and me.”
“So what do you want to do?” He was looking out to sea again.
Jamie drank in his profile…and the hard set of his jaw. She feared she was losing here. “I think we ought to think about what my career will mean for yours.”
“Okay. Shoot.”
“All right. For one thing, the publicity. You can’t afford any, being a SEAL. So let’s say this book goes as big as Highline Publishing thinks it will. There’ll be some pretty heavy media interest about whoever I’m involved with.”
He raised his eyebrows. “‘Whoever?”’
“You know what I mean. Anyway, say that somehow we learn to handle the media. What worries me more is the amount of, well, let’s call it traveling that you have to do.”
He shrugged. “I have a desk job, remember? I’ll be sitting right here.” He poked a finger into the sand. The bitterness was there in his voice.
“Do you hear yourself? You won’t sit at that desk for long, Kell, and we both know it. Say you’re back out in the field in a year or two. I’m thinking…what if I’m home but you’re gone? And then you’re home and I’m gone? It’s not like, with your military career, you could just pick up and follow me. I don’t think you’d be happy for long doing that, even if you could…or would.”
“Great. Dueling careers. Well, you’ve convinced me. Sorry I asked for forever.” Resignation rang in his voice, but still, he reached over to stroke her back, his hand gently sliding up and down her spine.
Tender thrills of pleasure chased over Jamie’s skin, making her words all that more heartfelt. “I hate this, Kell. All these years I’ve wanted you to settle down. And now, when you seem ready to do just that, I can’t. My life is heating up and I’m the one getting ready to take all the chances. It’s funny, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Hilarious.”
Jamie brushed her hair back from her face and glanced over at Kell. His handsome profile was troubled. Fine lines creased his forehead. She tenderly stroked his clean-shaven cheek. “I do love you, Kell.”
“I know,” he said, not much above a whisper. “I guess this means we won’t be waking up together in Las Vegas, right?”
“JAMIE, I swear I am about ready to get on a plane and fly to Tampa so I can pull all your hair out. God, you are so frustrating. I don’t even know why Kell tries with you, little sister.”
Jamie slumped onto her couch’s cushions the next Monday morning as she listened to her sister’s lecture…again. “I know. I just want everything to be perfect.”
“Nothing is perfect, kiddo. Get over it. How old do you have to be before you realize that? I would have thought that this past weekend would have shown you that. I thought you learned something.”
The events of the past forty-eight hours flitted through Jamie’s consciousness. After leaving Kell, she and Donna had taken a trip they should have taken years ago. She swallowed. “I did. I learned to let go.”
“Then act on that. Quit trying to think the future through, hon. Instead, grab an imperfect piece of it for yourself. Make the leap. Act. Don’t think.”
Kell’s handsome face suddenly filled Jamie’s mind. “That sounds like how Kell operates.”
“Exactly. And the man gets things done, doesn’t he? He has goals and he achieves them. Jamie, don’t let this thing with Dad hold you back. It wasn’t your fault he left. You have to know that. You may not have known it at thirteen, but you should now.”
Jamie exhaled and shifted her position on the soft cushions under her. “I think I do, Donna.”
“Good. Then quit making Kell pay for his part in that.”
Jamie swallowed the lump on her throat. “Kell yelled that same thing at me several nights ago.”
“Then listen to him. And to me.” Donna’s voice was pleading yet calm. Almost motherly. “Honey, I love you and I want to see you happy. And I know you love Kellan. So I’m just going to say this. Don’t let that man slip through your fingers. Say yes to him.”
Jamie couldn’t say anything. She stared at the ceiling above her and watched it become a blur, thanks to her welling tears. A sniff escaped her.
“Look,” Donna said, “I know you have to go to your therapy appointment, so I’ll let you go. Just remember what I said, Jamie. You’re going after your dreams in the other areas of your life, and I’m proud of you. That’s good. But don’t stop there. In this instance, lead with your heart. It’s better than your mind. And everything else will follow. One action leads to another. Take that first step.”
“SO, YOU DIDN’T wake up in Las Vegas?” Dr. Hampton asked.
“Short answer…no. We’d probably still be there if we’d gone. That was just a couple of nights ago.”
“I see. And how do you feel about not being there?”
“Like I broke a promise to a friend.”
“I’m not sure I understand, Commander Chance.”
Kell shrugged, downplaying his own comment. “It was nothing. I have a good friend who told me I should ask Jamie to marry me. I did. She wouldn’t.” He shrugged. “So I feel like I let him down.”
“Him? Or yourself?”
Kell met the therapist’s gaze. “Both, I guess.” He sat upright, grimacing as he rubbed his leg.
“Does your thigh still hurt?”
“No.”
“You were rubbing it as if it did.”
“It’s just sore. I got the stitches out a few days ago. The feeling’s coming back to the nerves.”
“That’s a good sign. Then everything’s healing as it should?”
“Yeah. It’s fine.”
“You mentioned your friend just a moment ago. Would that be Jeff, the one you said was in the hospital?”
“Yeah. Jeff’s fine…well, better. He’s still in the hospital, but at least up and around now.”
“That’s good news.”
Kell grinned. “And his wife, Melanie, is expecting their first baby. They just found out.”
“That’s wonderful. You seem close to them.”
“I am. I love Jeff like he’s my brother. And Melanie…well, she’s a sweetheart.”
Dr. Hampton nodded and stared Kell’s way…and waited. Kell had no idea what he was waiting for. But he had to call on his rigorous training to steel himself against the urge to squirm under this slight, bearded man’s silent scrutiny. Finally, the silence got to Kell. “You okay, Doc?”
He nodded. “I am. I’m just wondering why you’re here.”
Kell made a broad gesture. “To talk, obviously.”
“Of course. But it’s my understanding from colleagues familiar with the Special Forces that you routinely undergo psychiatric evaluation out at the base.”
“We do. It’s as tough as the physical training. It’s what keeps us safe. We don’t go off half-cocked on a mission. It’s all about being so damn good at what we do that we don’t fail—” But he had failed. Kell lapsed into silence.
It wasn’t lost on Dr. Hampton. “And yet sometimes thing go awry, don’t they? Despite all the training and expertise.”
“Yes. They do.” Kell’s words were terse, crisp—just the opposite of Dr. Hampton’s quiet and soothing voice.
“And that’s when you go in to talk to the psychiatrists at the base.”
Suddenly this man was the enemy. “No. We have to go in for debriefing after every mission, regardless of the outcome.”
“I see. And you’ve been on many missions.”
“Yes. What’s your point?”
“My point, Commander Chance, is you should be used to answering questions about your feelings. And yet you’re avoiding doing just that.”
Kell shrugged. “I didn’t think I was. But I don’t talk to the military headshrinkers about things like this.”
Dr. Hampton frowned. “So, what’s the point?”
This was a subject he knew. Kell sat forward. “The point is to get cleared to go out on the next mission. You don’t get cleared, you don’t have a career.”
“You feel passionately about this, don’t you?”
“Hell, yes. Look, the service has spent millions of dollars on our training and equipment. We know that. And we have a mission. So we tell the shrinks we’re fine. They tell our commanders we’re fine. Everyone’s happy, and we’re back out in the field doing what it is we do best.”
“I see. And what is that…what you do best?”
Kell sat back and quirked a corner of his mouth. “Well, I could tell you…but then I’d have to kill you.”
Dr. Hampton’s eyebrows shot up in alarm.
“Relax. It’s just a joke. But seriously, most of my work is classified. I can’t talk about it with you. See, I can talk about the missions with the military doctors, and how I feel about what I did and what happened. But not my personal feelings on other subjects. That’s harder.”
“Of course. Will you excuse me a moment? I need to write some of this down.” Dr. Hampton spent the next few minutes making notes. Kell frowned and watched him—and fought the urge to lean forward to see what he was writing. Finally, the older man looked up at him. “Thank you. Now, let’s talk about your personal feelings. How are you and Jamie doing now, today?”
Kell shrugged. “Fine.”
Dr. Hampton eyed him. Then, with very precise movements, the psychiatrist put his notepad and pen on the low table next to him. He folded his hands in his lap and stared a hole through Kell. “That’s the same evasive answer you just told me you give to the psychiatrists out at the base. You’re wasting my time and your money, Commander.”
Kell met the man’s steady gaze…and saw a strength of will there that matched his own. He sighed and let loose his reticence. “All right. Point taken. Jamie and I aren’t doing well at all. I don’t think we’re going to make it.”
Kell watched Dr. Hampton assess him and then pick up his notepad and pen. Surprising to Kell was how relieved he was that the man had. “So,” the doctor said. “Tell me why you think that you won’t make it.”
“Because she won’t marry me. That would be closure, wouldn’t it, if we got married?”
“Well, certainly. But only if it was for the right reason.”
“Which would be for love, right?”
“Yes, I suppose. But a lot of times, two people—”
“Look, I don’t want to hear any buts. I love her and she loves me. Yet she won’t marry me. I even proposed to her on a moonlit beach and we made love and she still said no. What’s wrong with two people, Doc, who make love and then fight right after?”
“Nothing. It’s entirely normal. It’s a way of reestablishing boundaries following such intense intimacy.”
Kell nodded. “I see. Like personal space.”
“Exactly.”
“Well, she’s getting plenty now. Stupidly I told her last Friday that if she didn’t give me a yes then, I was rescinding my proposal.”
“I see. And did you?”
Kell shrugged. “Not really. But now she’s turned it around on me. I haven’t heard a word from her since Friday. She won’t take my calls or answer her buzzer to let me in when I go over to her place. I’ve called her friends. They tell me they haven’t heard from her. It may be true, but the bottom line remains I’m shut off. What the hell am I supposed to think, Doc? What should I do?”
“Are you asking me?”
“Hell yes, I am. Right now you’re my only link to her. You’re the only one who can tell me what she’s thinking.”
A look of censure came over the older man’s face. “Oh, I’m afraid you’re misinformed, Commander Chance. I can’t tell you anything about Jamie’s state of mind. That’s privileged information. All we—you and I—can and will talk about is your state of mind.”
“Well, my state of mind is tied up in hers. And she won’t see me or talk to me. So that leaves me where?”
“I don’t know. I can’t say.”
“That’s two different conclusions, Dr. Hampton.”
“You’re right. Allow me to rephrase it. I can’t say because I don’t know what her state of mind is right now.”
Kell nodded and eyed the man as he mulled that over. “Then she hasn’t been in and you haven’t talked to her since last week, right?”
“I can’t tell you that, either. I’m sorry.”
Frustration ate at Kell. About ready to give up, he sat forward and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not trying to put you on the spot, Dr. Hampton. It’s just that I feel so helpless. I love her. She loves me. When we’re together it’s magic. We have fun. We laugh. I’ve even begun to let her in, to see how I think. She says she loves that, that it’s progress. Then she says no and locks me out. What the hell is going on? What does that indicate to you?”
“A lot of things, actually. But answer this for me. Did you and Jamie try what I suggested?”
Kell chuckled. “Yes, we tried. For about ten minutes. But the chemistry got in the way…more than once.”
Dr. Hampton cleared his throat. “I see. Well, then what happens…once the chemistry is sated?”
“We talk a bit. Establish some common ground. Then we leave it at that. And one of us walks out. Usually her.”
Dr. Hampton nodded and stroked his beard…and appeared to be doing a lot of thinking.
“Tell me something, Doctor.” Dr. Hampton met Kell’s gaze. “Is this normal? I mean for a person with a Ph.D. in psychology. Shouldn’t she be, uh, better at relationships?”
“Well, it’s not at all unusual in the field, if that’s what you’re asking. As counselors—and Jamie is a superb one, from what I’ve observed—we tend not to apply our expertise to our own relationships, I’m afraid. As if we don’t want to take the job home. There’s nothing worse for a couple than for one to constantly be evaluating the other one. It causes the other person to feel manipulated. So, when it comes to our own personal relationships, we tend to be as, well, clueless as the untrained person is.”
“I see your point. It’s hard to be objective when you’re in the middle of something that’s tied up in your emotions.”
“Very well said.”
“Thanks. But I didn’t mean to imply that I think Jamie wouldn’t be good at her profession. She’s the smartest person I know. And she cares a lot about everything.”
“That’s been my experience with her, too. She’s very passionate about life and how it should be lived.” Dr. Hampton then surprised Kell by looking at him in a thoughtfully assessing manner. “She’s also very passionate about you.”
Kell felt as if his heart was on his sleeve. “She is? Then you think there’s a chance she’ll come around and make a commitment to me?”
“Why is that so important to you? I mean right now, today.”
Kell gestured his frustration. “Because I love her. I always have, no matter what, no matter how many times she’s walked away. I’ve always believed that if you loved someone, you should marry them and have a life together. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?”
“Certainly.”
Kell wanted to jump up and scream. “Then, dammit, tell me what’s wrong here. I’ve been talking to her, letting her inside my head—and that is not an easy thing for me to do. I just want all of her, Doc, and I’m willing to put myself on the line for that. Why is that so awful?”
“I don’t think it’s awful at all. I think it’s wonderful. But I also think that the problem may not be with you.”
“Which means it’s with Jamie?”
Dr. Hampton’s smile was sympathetic. “I think so. But I’ve already said more than I should.”
“No, you haven’t said near enough.” Kell wanted to give up. “She won’t see me or talk to me. Do you see my problem? Where do I go from here?”
Dr. Hampton studied Kell a moment and then looked at his watch. “You have about five minutes left in your hour, Commander.”
Hope fled. Kell started to get up. “Keep them for yourself, Doc. Have a cup of coffee on me. I’m through here.”
“Sit down, Commander Chance.” When Kell did, he said, “Thank you. I’ve been listening to you and watching you. I’ve watched you with Jamie, too. I believe you when you say that you love her. And I know she loves you. And even though I’m not supposed to, well, say or do anything—and I’m not going to—I do also have a special interest in Jamie. She’s a wonderful young woman, and I would love to see her happy.”
“Me, too.” Excited anticipation, of the same sort that gripped Kell before a deployment, now tightened his stomach. Finally, something he understood. A mission…and Jamie was the target. A moving target. “So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that by chance, pure and simple, my next client…were you to talk longer than you should and go over your hour…would be someone you’d run into anyway as you were leaving my office. And it could turn out that you know her, too.”
Kell grinned. “Dr. Hampton, you’re a stand-up guy.”
The older man smiled. “Thank you. And now I’m going to ask you to be one, too, not that you haven’t been. But what I want you to do—providing Jamie consents to speak with you—is to promise to use the time productively. Talk. No raised voices. No accusations. A lot of listening. And no touching. Can you do that? I want you to think about it before you answer because this will be a lot of work.”
Kell thought he already knew his answer. So it surprised him to realize that he did have some questions, some doubts. Did he want to continue to knock his head against the brick wall that was Jamie’s resistance? Was it hopeless? He had to ask himself what he was getting out of all this. Was he happy? Was she? Would she give him a sign that she wanted it to work out this time?
Suddenly, it occurred to him that she must want it to, or she wouldn’t keep coming back to him. She wouldn’t be so upset that they couldn’t work it out. So the truth was…she couldn’t walk away from him any more than he could walk away from her. Moths to a flame, she’d said. Well, maybe they could learn to control that fire and use it to their advantage.
Kell nodded. “Okay. I’ve thought about it. And I want to do this.”
Dr. Hampton grinned broadly. “Excellent, Commander.” He put down his notepad and pen. “Now then, what do you want to talk about for the next few minutes?”
With excitement and hope coursing through him, Kell crossed his arms over his chest and looked around the diploma-laden office walls. Nothing to talk about there—nothing that he’d understand. He checked the clock hanging on the wall. Five minutes. “So, how about those Buccaneers, huh? Think they’ve got a shot at the Super Bowl this year, Doc?”