eight

I could hear a chainsaw. It was a long way away. My back felt sticky and my head was empty—a reverberating, aching empty. I was unbelievably hot. The rice paper curtain beside my bed was lowered and glowing bright with sun. I was in my old room, which counted as a win. My shoulder hurt as I pushed away the duvet. It took a long time to get the blanket off, because my arms had become impossibly feeble. I was still wearing all of my clothes. There was some kind of guilt feeling, but I was too thirsty to bother with that right now. My mouth tasted of whisky and ash. I didn’t feel nauseous, but I never do when I’m hungover, not really.

So, first task: get water. I pushed up out of bed and, predictably, regretted it. I could feel the blood circulating in my brain, which is, as I’m sure you know, not at all a good feeling. The room took a mandatory spin around me before settling into place. I opened the door into the hallway.

The house was quiet. I couldn’t hear anyone moving inside, just the whir of the chainsaw in the distance, and I made it to the kitchen sink before I saw Fi, who was sitting on a cushion at the table. She had her favourite black shawl wrapped around her waist. I recognised the brown and cream cover of the book she was reading, a collection of translated poems by the Japanese hermit monk Ryōkan Taigu. Ryōkan was one of those sanctified figures who drink and write poetry and play tricks, and are like deeply holy but also deeply human, you know? Like the Beat poets would have been if they weren’t all drug-addicted reactionary kiddy-fiddling shallow racist phony misogynistic rapist idiots, you know? That kind of vibe. There are heaps of holy people like that in the Zen tradition of Buddhism, it’s kind of a thing. Anyway, of all the books Fi had ever given me, this one was my favourite.

Fi didn’t look up.

I took one of Fi’s hand-thrown cups from the drying rack and filled it with water. I drank the whole cup in one go and filled it again and drained it again. And then I sat down beside Fi.

She cleared her throat.

Another year lingers to an end;

Heaven sends a bitter frost.

Fallen leaves cover the mountains

And there are no travellers to cast shadows on the path.

Endless night: dried leaves burn slowly in the hearth.

Occasionally the sound of freezing rain.

Dizzy, I try to recall the past—

Nothing here but dreams.

I leaned on her shoulder, but she didn’t lean back. I lifted my head, and Fi spoke.

‘John is down the gully. Hannah’s helping him take a few big branches off one of the eucalyptuses.’ Fi had planted the eucalyptus trees at the bottom of the gully not long after I was born. They were massive now, like actually giant trees. ‘For next year’s firewood.’

‘John’s handy like that, isn’t he?’ I nursed my cup of water.

Fi sighed. ‘Yes, I suppose he is.’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I just wish he hadn’t done that.’

‘Cut the eucalyptus?’ Something was happening and my echoing skull couldn’t follow it.

‘I haven’t seen him like that in years.’ Fi shook her head. ‘It’s mortifying.’

‘What happened last night?’

Fi gave me a sharp look. ‘You don’t remember?’

‘I don’t remember.’ Which wasn’t quite true. I remembered something. I remembered John looking at me, and I think he was crying.

‘Mark came back to the house. After the band was done.’ Fi’s thumb slipped off her page and the paperback fanned open in her hands. ‘I think you were somewhere else, with Hannah maybe, but anyway, Mark said some things to me, some bad things, and John hit him. In front of everyone, all of my sisters, and then they both went at it. It was awful. Thank Christ that Perry and Joseph were there to break it up. It was just awful. You’re lucky you don’t remember.’

I closed my eyes and tried to think, holding this new information against the scraps I had of last night. But this wasn’t what I remembered, or, I mean, it’s not what I didn’t remember, I don’t think. I took a deep breath.

‘What did Mark say to you?’

Fi shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Was it about me?’

‘No.’ Fi squinted. ‘Why would it be about you?’

I shrugged. Then it had to be the thing. The unspeakable thing. I caught Fi’s gaze and held it. ‘What was it?’

‘Why do you need to know?’

I hesitated. I didn’t need to know, but I wished Fi would tell me. I wished she would tell me, because if she told me what I thought she wasn’t telling me, maybe I could tell her, like maybe I could just fess up, do you know what I mean? ‘I know something happened, Fi. I know something happened to you. I’m big now. You can tell me.’

Fi wrinkled up her nose and set her book face-down on the table. Maybe I’d pushed too hard. Fi rubbed her face, and I sat quietly. The chainsaw sputtered off in the distance and then roared back on. Fi got up, closed the French doors against the noise, and sat back down. I was about to apologise, but she spoke first, in a quiet and steady voice.

‘I went to see a therapist after Hannah was born. I was having nightmares, wetting the bed, all sorts of odd things. And my therapist was helping me remember things that I had locked away.’ Fi took my cup and spun it slowly, assessing her work. ‘When the sessions were done, I decided to talk to your Aunty Deb about it. I loved her and we were close in age, so I trusted her. I thought maybe she might even remember something.’ Fi set the cup down. ‘One night, when her husband was away on business, I drove up to her place in Tāmaki Makaurau. We had dinner and a few drinks and in the end I stayed the night with Deb in her big double bed. It was like we were kids again, and I felt safe there, in the dark with my sister. So I told her about the things I remembered. The things my therapist had helped me remember. She listened and then she held my hand as I fell asleep.’

The chainsaw cut off, wood groaned, cracked, and thudded to the earth. I heard Hannah cheer half-heartedly.

‘By the time I got home the next day there was a message on my answering machine. She had talked to her husband—this was before their divorce. He was a very intelligent man, he really was, even if he wasn’t right for Deb. He was highly qualified. It was his opinion that my therapist was a hack, that she was making me remember things that weren’t real. And Deb, your aunty, agreed. She thought I was making things up for attention. Just like when we were kids. And the truth is, my memory isn’t clear now either.’ Fi cleared her throat. ‘So that’s it. There’s really nothing to talk about, is there? There’s no point now. It just upsets people.’

I looked into Fi’s eyes, but she wasn’t there. I recognised that look, I’d seen it in a hundred bathroom mirrors, and I wanted to shake her and scream, I believe you Mum, you can tell me, I believe you, but also, to be honest, I was scared. I’d never seen her like this, at least I don’t know if I’d ever seen her like this, or if I just hadn’t been looking right, and I didn’t feel like her child in that moment, because she looked too fragile to be my mother—too scared, do you know what I mean?

I didn’t want to, but I still had to ask. ‘What about Mark?’

Fi blinked and let out a slow breath. ‘I think Mark has probably always known.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘I don’t understand either, Rosemary.’ Fi grimaced. ‘The only way I can make sense of it is that he was jealous.’

I thought about Linus, about Fi being his favourite.

‘He was jealous of the special attention you were getting?’

‘Not that, no.’ Fi spoke in a monotone. ‘He was jealous of the person giving it to me.’ Fi looked at me then—straight into me. I could tell that she was leaving it open, that I could ask, but that for her sake, I shouldn’t.

‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ I offered, breaking her gaze.

Fi tried for a smile. ‘Don’t be. You weren’t even born.’ She got up, walked to the bench, and opened a carton of eggs. ‘How about I make you something to eat?’ Fi cracked eggs into a pan and popped toast into the toaster.

I didn’t say anything.

She moved slowly and methodically, keeping her back to me as she cooked.

Somewhere, my phone was vibrating. By the time I found my tote, and dug my phone out, it had gone still. There was one missed video-call from ⛓Daddy⛓. I hadn’t messaged Thorn for days now, and now xe was calling me. I wanted to call straight back. I couldn’t ignore xem forever.

‘Sorry, do you mind if I take a quick shower?’

Fi whisked eggs, showing no sign of having heard me.

I shut the bathroom door. My phone rang twice more while I shaved and washed my body, and then I heard a knock and the front door open and close. I applied hyaluronic acid, moisturiser, a caffeine serum under my eyes, lotion on my body, an anti-frizz curling formula to my hair, and wrapped myself in a towel. I’d forgotten to bring in my make-up, so I went to get my tote from the kitchen, and there was Fi, sitting at the table with an iron teapot, two small ceramic cups and, sitting right across from her, Thorn.

I froze.

Xe was here—my whole damn Daddy—drinking tea, in the kitchen, with Fi, in the house I’d grown up in. I couldn’t speak.

Thorn beamed at me, xyr eyes folding at the edges into the beginnings of crow’s feet, like a sailor’s eyes—or at least, how I imagine a sailor’s eyes; bright and hopeful and steady against the glare of the sun and the sea—and those eyes were making me feel some kind of way. I was bare, like literally undressed in my damp towel, but I also felt like xe was seeing me, seeing me in a way no one sees me in that place, in a way that made me feel like I actually existed, that I was, like, actually the person I want to be, like I was brand new, if that makes sense? Like maybe that’s a lot to read into someone literally just looking at you, but that’s honestly what it felt like.

‘Thorn.’ I tried to arrange my wet hair with one hand and hold my towel tight at my chest with the other.

What was xe doing here? Fi was doing her shiny company-is-here smile, and Thorn looked completely comfortable somehow? Like it wasn’t at all weird to be messaging me from Te Whanganui-a-Tara one day and be in my parents’ kitchen the next, like xe belonged here, like I’d welcomed xem in, plus how had xe known to find me at my parents’ house? Also how did xe know where my parents’ house even was? So there was all that rattling around in my head, and then simultaneously there was the uncomplicated hungover revelation of xyr physical presence: a broad-shouldered, soft-eyed manifestation that just seemed so much more real and so much more urgent than anything else.

‘How did you find me?’ I was smiling despite myself, like, I should have been worried, like, all signs pointed towards this being a stalker situation. And honestly, it shouldn’t have been, I know it’s fucked up of me, because stalking is not a joke, but, fuck, the idea of Thorn stalking me was actually so hot.

‘It was easy, thanks. I just followed Google Maps. It’s not that bad a drive.’

‘You must have been on the road all night.’ Fi topped up Thorn’s cup.

‘It was no big deal, really.’ Thorn took a sip of xyr tea. ‘This is making me feel a little sleepy, though.’

Xe must have dug up my address somehow. Is that like a thing you can do if you’re good at computers? I feel like that’s a hacker thing, right? Maybe Thorn was a hacker, although, like, isn’t hacking traditionally more of a trans-fem thing than a trans-nonbinary thing?

‘Have a lie down if you need.’ Fi poured herself another cup. ‘She can use your room, if you don’t mind, Rosemary?’

Thorn didn’t blink, but I felt immediately embarrassed.

‘Thorn’s pronouns are: xe/xem/xyr.’

Thorn raised xyr palms. ‘It’s fine.’

‘Sorry, Thorn.’ Fi looked mortified. ‘I didn’t know.’

‘It’s not a big deal,’ Thorn reiterated. ‘Thank you for the delicious tea.’

‘I’ll show you my room.’

Thorn followed me into my room and closed the door behind xem. I felt really shy all of a sudden. I had imagined dressing up in something cute and slutty, or at least doing a pretty make-up look, for the first time I met Thorn in the flesh, but instead I was holding a threadbare towel, with shapeless wet hair, but also that shouldn’t be my priority right now, should it? My priority should be grilling Thorn, like getting a proper explanation for all of this, not seducing xem, and I was gathering myself, I was about to ask, but Thorn spoke first.

‘Can I kiss you?’ Thorn was standing very still, xyr eyes on my lips.

I took a small sharp breath. My rabbit heart beat quickly against my ribs. ‘Yes please, Daddy.’

Xe wrapped xyr arms around my waist and pulled me in tight, trapping my hands against xyr chest. I let my weight fall very slowly into xem, testing xyr strength. I was a little bit taller, but there was more of Thorn than me. Xyr body felt like a contradiction of binary sex, like, xe felt actually biologically agender? Like, that’s probably a problematic as fuck thing to think, but that’s how xe seemed to me. I thought about those TERFs who troll trans girls online, posting things under their profiles like, When they dig you up, in a thousand years, archaeologists will know your bones are male, as I ran my free hand over Thorn’s shoulder and arm. And I thought that Fi might have read Thorn’s fat thighs and big titties as female, but I bet the transphobic graverobbers of the future would be baffled by Thorn’s barrel chest and powerful frame. I relaxed and realised Thorn was holding me up; xe supported me easily against xyr body. Xyr lips were so soft and xe smelled so good, like bubble-gum or something sweet and immediately nostalgic, and I felt impossibly small and tender as Thorn made a fist in my hair, pulling my head back and sinking xyr teeth into my neck.

Xe took a breath. ‘Do you like that, Kitten?’

‘I like that, Daddy.’

‘You’re lucky your mama is on the other side of that door. I really want to hear the sounds you make when I bruise your little body.’

I was dripping, like actual goo dripping out of my towel onto the hardwood floor. And then I remembered why I hadn’t been talking to Thorn; I was a bad girl.

‘I’m sorry, Daddy.’

‘There’ll be plenty of time later.’

‘No, Daddy.’ And now I felt legitimately wretched. I couldn’t look Thorn in the eyes. ‘I fucked up. I swear I didn’t mean to. Like, I wasn’t even touching myself or anything. It just, like, happened to me. Spontaneously, I guess? I’m not sure. I was thinking of you and watching a video and it just happened.’ I shook my head. ‘I’m so fucking sorry, Daddy. I know I’m bad, I know. I didn’t mean to break your rule, but I did. I’m so so sorry, Daddy. I’m not a good girl. I thought I was, but I’m not.’

‘Is that why you weren’t messaging me, Kitten?’ Thorn lifted my chin, and I met xyr gaze.

‘I just felt like I’d ruined it, Daddy. I didn’t want to be bad. But I still broke your rule. If I can’t be your good girl, then what’s the point?’

‘What’s the point?’ Thorn shook xyr head. ‘The point is, you need a daddy to teach you to be good, don’t you? Of course, I’m disappointed that you broke my rule, but that’s what punishments are for. I’ll teach you to be the best girl, Kitten.’

‘Do you like giving out punishments, Daddy?’ Was I supposed to break the rule, maybe? Was that, like, the point?

‘No, Princess.’ (Princess!) ‘I don’t like giving out punishments. When I punish you, it’ll be to correct your behaviour. It’s not for fun, not for me or you. You’re a good girl, not a brat. I mean, look how upset you are that you’ve broken my rule. And that’s what I like—a good girl, just like you. I don’t need you to behave badly to justify hurting you. If I want to beat you, I’ll beat you, for my gratification, because I like it, and you’ll take it, because you want to be good, don’t you?’

‘Yes, Daddy.’

‘You want to be good?’

‘Yes, Daddy.’ It was so easy to say.

‘Okay. Now come here.’ Thorn lay on my bed, and I climbed in beside xem. Xe scooped my legs up in one arm and braced xyr knees under my thighs, wrapping xyr other arm around my neck and shoulders. I rested my head on Thorn’s chest, and for the first time in a long long time, as long as I could recall, I was being cradled. We were lying down, like, Thorn wasn’t lifting me, but xe was cradling me and rocking me a little, and I felt safe, like properly safe, and then it just rolled through me, a big ugly sob, and I was crying and Thorn was holding me and it didn’t matter that I couldn’t remember what had happened last night, I didn’t care how Thorn had found me, because xe was here now and Thorn was soothing me, making little hush hush noises, It’s okay Baby-Girl, let it out, and I was undone, actually undone, horny and crying, wet face and wet gock, and it felt better than anything had ever felt, like a demolition, you know? Finally, done.

I closed my eyes and Thorn pulled me in close.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. Thorn was still wrapped around me, which seemed impossible, and Fi cracked the door open and peeked in. I wriggled away from Thorn, like a teenager caught breaking the rules, which didn’t make any sense, because my parents had never set those kinds of rules. Fi always said, If you don’t give teenagers a safe place to do it, they’ll just do it somewhere dangerous, and she was still working as a receptionist at a Family Planning clinic back then, so she kind of knew what she was talking about. But, anyway, I did that and Thorn just pulled me in tighter, like, xe wasn’t afraid of my mum seeing me in xyr arms, like, xe’d made xyr claim on me now and xe wasn’t embarrassed by it, and I honestly loved xem for that, so I relaxed and xe squeezed me and Fi cleared her throat.

‘Thorn told me you are going back with xem to Te Whanganui-a-Tara first thing tomorrow morning.’

No one had told me this, but Thorn was nodding, so I nodded too.

‘I was wondering if we should all go out for dinner to the Indian place tonight? You two and Hannah and me and John? I just thought it’d be nice to do something fun, since we hardly ever see you, and it’s been all doom and gloom otherwise. We can shout you and Thorn.’ Fi rushed the last sentence, as if she was nervous.

‘Mmmhmm, yes!’ I was already imagining hot steam rising from an open samosa, as I spooned sweet tamarind sauce over spiced pea and potato.

‘That sounds great,’ Thorn added. ‘I can pay for Rosemary and me, though.’

Fi raised her eyebrows. ‘Are you sure? I know it’s expensive down in Te Whanganui-a-Tara.’

‘It’s okay.’ Thorn smiled. ‘I’d like to buy Rosemary dinner.’

And I hate that that made me gooey, like I don’t need anyone to spend money on me, because I sure as hell don’t have any money to spend on anyone, even though I wish I did, like sure, I want more money but I also hate that I want more money, like, John literally read me The Communist Manifesto before bed when I was little, but still—and it’s not like Indian is an expensive dinner—but still, I did like it that Thorn wanted to, like, take care of me? So that was that: I’m a counter-revolutionary now, I guess.

Fi ducked out.

Thorn kissed me and I absolutely kissed xem back. Xe had this really slow and lazy way of kissing that made me feel like I was being savoured? It made me feel like I was in one of those artsy pornos that you have to buy a monthly subscription to watch. The ones full of, like, hot genderqueers in gauzy togas and woven wreaths and it’s like the horniest, witchiest production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream you’ve ever seen, or like an actual ancient bacchanal, and when the actors cum, you can tell they’re actually cumming.

It felt like that, and Thorn had xyr hand under my shirt, resting on my belly—xe had big hands too—and I let my head fall back and xe kissed my neck and I felt really nice, and I was kind of humming, kind of moaning, and I actually sounded okay, like I sounded correct, and Thorn was on top of me, between my thighs, and xe had my nipple between xyr forefinger and thumb, and xe pinched it and I gasped and then xe pinched it hard and I whined and it hurt but also it felt very, very, extremely good, and then xe let go and I was sort of floating, I mean I felt like I was floating, and Thorn was looking me in the eye, and now xe looked serious.

‘You don’t know why I’m here, do you?’

I’d completely forgotten to ask. ‘No. I don’t.’

‘And that doesn’t concern you?’ Xe narrowed xyr eyes.

‘Should it concern me?’ Looking up at Thorn, I didn’t feel concerned.

‘You don’t remember calling me?’

Okay, so that concerned me. If I’d made a call to Thorn that I couldn’t remember, I must have made it while I was blacked out, and that concerned me a lot. Drunk dialling is not cute.

‘I don’t remember that.’ I watched Thorn’s face for any clues. ‘What did I say?’

‘Not a lot. You really weren’t making that much sense, and then you were crying, and then you asked me for help.’

‘For help with what?’

‘I’m not sure. You just said, Help me, Daddy. I managed to get your address out of you, got in my car, and here I am.’

‘Here you are, Daddy.’ I whispered back. Thorn was smiling, but I knew it was a full eight-hour drive from Te Whanganui-a-Tara to Kirikiriroa. ‘I don’t understand.’ I closed my eyes. ‘Why would you do that?’

‘Because I really like you, Rosemary. Because you’re my good girl. I gotta take care of you, don’t I?’

Which sounded great. But it wasn’t enough.

‘No. I mean, seriously. Not just that, but everything. Like, I’m a mess. I’m not a proper person, you know? I can barely run my own life. I’m sure you can see that. Why would you do all this, for a person who’ll never give you anything? Like, I call you Daddy, but what kind of person are you, really?’

Thorn was silent for a long moment. When xe spoke, xe spoke slowly, with the slightest tremor in xyr voice. ‘First off, I don’t love hearing you talk that way about yourself.’ Thorn rolled onto xyr back and blinked at the ceiling. ‘But to answer your question, I want to help you, because you let me help you. Because you like the way I do it. And because you’re obedient. I have a lot of control issues.’ Xe rubbed the thick pad at the base of xyr thumb, as if the joint ached. ‘And for a lot of people, obviously, that’s a big problem. I’ve had to deny myself a lot, to be with people who don’t even really want me.’

Xe paused. Had I hurt xem?

‘Maybe it’s because I helped my mum raise my little brothers when I was just a kid myself? I could build a pretty tidy theory about that. Like: I desire power now, because as a child I had too much responsibility and not enough control. Or maybe there’s some kind of sexual dominance/autism comorbidity. Or maybe I’m just a sicko?’ Thorn turned and pinned me with a sharp look.

I met xyr gaze, wide-eyed, and xe softened into xyr lopsided grin.

‘I’m not sure the reasons really matter to me. What matters to me is that you want me the way I am. I want to take care of you, and you want to be taken care of, don’t you?’

I nodded. I liked that, and I wanted to believe it.

‘You’re gonna have to catch me up though, Kitten. Why did you ask for help?’

I stared into Thorn’s chestnut eyes and felt the weight of the last week descending on me. I didn’t remember why I’d called Thorn, and when I looked back at everything that had been happening, it felt impossible to single out one distinct thing that I needed help with. I was way past that; I was a total mess.

I took a deep breath. ‘It’s sort of a long story, and, to be honest, I don’t remember all of it that clearly.’

Thorn raised xyr eyebrows and opened xyr hands. ‘I’m listening, Princess. I drove all night to hear it, so go slow, and tell me everything.’