nine

Fi and John took us to the same Indian place they always go to. It’s comfy and affordable and the walls are a beautiful warm red, with these paintings of like, I want to say North India maybe? All done on black velvet, and the music is really nice, and it smells so good in there.

Thorn held my hand under the table, which helped a little with my nerves. I was fixating on the menu, and I couldn’t decide between a bone-in goat dish or butter chicken. The bone-in goat looked really delicious, but also I hadn’t had it before, which felt like a huge risk. I knew Hannah and John would roll their eyes if I ordered butter chicken, because apparently that’s what white people always order, and apparently when you’re a white person and you go to an Indian restaurant you’re supposed to pretend not to be a white person, so I felt like I had to get the bone-in goat, which was probably delicious, but then I remembered a food show I watched one time where an Indian chef said that butter chicken is not a white people food, it’s actually a comfort food, like macaroni cheese or something, something yummy and easy and like soothing, and I wanted soothing, like, I felt like I deserved soothing, right? But then the waiter came to take our orders, and I still hadn’t decided, and Thorn ordered butter chicken and Hannah did a little smirk, just like I thought she would, and everyone was waiting for me to order, and I felt Thorn’s hand cradling mine, so I said, The same for me please, and then xe was grinning at me and I felt very happy, because I was gonna get what I wanted.

Which seemed to be exactly what Thorn wanted for me. Like, all I had to do was be a good girl, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything else. I had been so sure that Thorn would hate me after I had finished telling xem about everything that had happened, everything I’d done, and I told xem everything because it’s against the rules to lie to Daddy, and I’d even cried, all over again, but xe’d just pulled me in close and held me, and when I was done crying xe’d stroked my hair and told me what I had to do.
John ordered a Kingfisher Strong and Fi picked out a sav. Hannah got the same as John. When the waiter asked me if I wanted beer or wine, I remembered the new rule Daddy had given me and I shook my head.

Thorn gave my hand a squeeze. ‘Do you like mango lassi?’

I nodded, and xe ordered two.

Our drinks came and then it was time to wait for our food. John sat across from me, but he wouldn’t raise his blacked eye to look at me. He looked like a dog whose paw had been stood on. Fi was asking Thorn about xyr job, and xe was explaining how doing clerical work at the Ministry of Education was very boring but also very easy and fairly well paid and xe liked it a lot, thank you, and Hannah was nodding and being hospitable, and then I cleared my throat.

‘Fi, John. I need to talk to you about something.’

John looked up at me now and his freckled face went very pale, like he was gonna puke, and Fi had a little concerned frown.

‘You sound very serious, Rosemary. Is everything okay?’ Fi said.

And then I didn’t know what to say, because in one sense everything was okay, like I wasn’t in danger, no one was in actual immediate peril, except maybe Ashley’s kids, and honestly I don’t know what any of us could do for them now, plus I don’t actually know that they are in any danger, and I was basically okay, but then also I really really honestly was not okay, and the two people who cared about me most in the world didn’t know that I was not okay, and now that it was time to tell them, I felt sick, but I also knew this was what I had to do; Daddy had asked me if I trusted my parents, and I had said yes and then xe’d asked me if I loved them, and I said yes and then xe had told me what I had to do, so here I was, finally, and I was gonna do it.

‘When I was little, when Hamish first started coming over, something happened to me. Like, something bad.’

And Fi and John were both leaning in and they looked scared, and Hannah looked surprised, because I hadn’t told her I was going to do this, in case I chickened out I guess, and Thorn had both hands on mine now, so I continued.

‘I don’t blame Hamish, or you guys. I know things were different when I was little; people didn’t worry about the same things. Like, I would never send my kids to a sleepover, for example, not that I’m ever gonna have kids, but you know what I mean. But everyone sent their kids to sleepovers and stuff when I was little, right? I mean, people do that now, still.’

Fi just gave a tight nod and John looked confused, so I guess I hadn’t told him everything last night, and now I was gonna have to actually come out and say it.

‘So, basically, Hamish molested me?’ I said the last bit really quiet, as if that would make it sound less terrible. ‘I know he wasn’t that much older than me. Like, I don’t think it was his fault, there had to be someone older who was doing the same stuff to him, at home or something, but the stuff he did to me, and made me do, it wasn’t like kid stuff. It was proper sex stuff, you know? The way we did it.’

‘Goan fish is for . . . ?’ The waiter was balancing a platter of food in one hand and holding out the Goan fish in the other.

We all leaned back in our seats and Fi put on a polite smile.

‘That’s mine, thank you.’

I looked across the restaurant at a window fringed with red curtains. I’d said it now, and I couldn’t take it back, even if I wanted to. There was a big sycamore tree growing outside, with thick horizontal branches. The waiter was carefully setting down our meals, and Fi and John were staring at me, their eyes pleading for something, I didn’t know what. It was almost unbearable. I imagined climbing the tree and sitting on one of those branches, tying one end of a rope around the branch and the other end around my neck and then inching my butt forward until I slipped and fell. Did you know that if you hang yourself, like standing on a chair and then kicking it away, you generally die of asphyxiation, which takes fucking ages and is very very painful, but if you have a bit of a drop when you hang yourself, you’ll probably break your neck instead, which normally kills you very fast. I’ve read about cases though where you break your neck and end up paralysed, which is a nightmare if you’re trying to kill yourself because it becomes basically impossible to try again and get it right, or there are other cases where you have a big drop and you can be literally decapitated, which is great, from a you-definitely-die perspective, but aesthetically it’s pretty grim, like decapitation really isn’t a super cute way to go, so the whole thing gets a bit complicated if you’re not an expert, and let’s be real, who among us has the experience to be properly good at hanging, so honestly if you’re going to top yourself, hanging isn’t really a way I guess I’d recommend but—

Thorn pinched the inside of my thigh, and I looked at xem, and xe took a deep breath so I copied xem, and then xe let it out slowly so I did too, and xe took a sip of xyr mango lassi, so I took a sip of my mango lassi, and it was sweet and delicious.

‘Rosemary.’ Fi was leaning in again; she hadn’t touched her Goan fish. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I let that happen to you.’

‘I don’t think you did anything wrong. Like, realistically, I don’t know what you could have done differently.’ That was what I said, although it wasn’t entirely true, I guess. Like, I didn’t have to be left unsupervised with Hamish, did I? At the same time, it was totally normal to do that, wasn’t it? No one supervises kids the entire time they’re playing, right? I mean, I don’t think they do. Or, I guess, Fi could have just never slept with John, and then Hamish would have never been involved with my life, but obviously that doesn’t work either, because I don’t get to exist if Fi and John don’t get together.

Tears were running down John’s face. He opened his mouth, but I cut him off.

‘John. I’m sorry about last night.’

I reached across the table and touched John’s hand. ‘I’m not saying you haven’t fucked up. You have fucked up. You should have never fucked your brother’s wife. You should have never kept Hamish a secret, and he should have never grown up the way he did. But, you know, when Hamish was conceived, you were a teenager right? Not an adult, anyway. Boys don’t even finish developing their frontal cortex till they’re twenty-five. And it’s not like your mum and dad set you up for success. Those guys fucking suck. So, I’m sorry you have to live with this. Not as sorry as I am for Hamish, but I’m still sorry. And, you know, you’ve been a good dad to me, despite what happened, you’ve always loved me, and you’ve always made sure I knew it. Okay?’

‘I’m sorry.’ John’s voice wavered, and Hannah put an arm around his shoulders.

Fi was sitting straight up in her chair, both palms pressed onto the table, her body vibrating. ‘I should have known, Rosemary. You’re my baby, and I should have known.’

I didn’t know what to say to that. I did wet the bed, I did have night terrors, I was in fights every lunchtime until Fi pulled me out of primary school, I had learning blocks, I cussed out teachers, I used to stand at the wire fenceline and show my dick to the neighbour’s kid until his mum told my mum I couldn’t talk to him anymore, like, sure, I was a troubled kid. I did have all the classic signs of a kid that someone had diddled. And yeah, Fi didn’t put that together, but neither did the child psychologist she took me to, neither did any of the teachers at my new school, neither did anyone.

‘It’s not your fault. Bad things just happen sometimes, don’t they?’

Fi shook her head. ‘I hate that, though. It’s like saying shit happens. Shit doesn’t just happen. People do things. People do the wrong things.’ And now she looked at John. ‘I was only twenty when I had Hannah. I was a mother, just like that. And maybe my brain was more developed, maybe girls do mature younger than boys. Maybe. But I’m not convinced, personally. I don’t think the reason boys get let off the hook for careless, irresponsible behaviour is biological. But it is true that you can’t change the past, as much as you might want to.’

John looked grey, just completely exhausted.

Fi had her chin up, like a priestess facing the moon. She lowered her gaze and looked me straight in the eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Rosemary. I really am.’

‘It’s okay.’ I tried on a small smile, even though it wasn’t really okay, like I didn’t feel bad towards Fi or John, but it still wasn’t really okay insofar as, honestly, I wasn’t really okay, you know? I didn’t know how to be okay there, in that city, with my parents, who I love.

‘The thing is, I’m going back to Te Whanganui-a-Tara with Thorn tomorrow, and I honestly don’t know when I’ll be coming back. I’m not mad at you, I’m not cutting ties or anything like that, I just don’t know if I can be here. It’s too much. I know that sucks, but that’s where I’m at, you know? Can you understand that?’

I felt like I had said too much. Like, way too much. I’d climbed far too high and now I had to turn and look down. At the same time, I felt kind of not fucked? I wasn’t shaking, I wasn’t dissociating, and it was scary to say the things that I was saying, but at least I was here saying them, present in my own skin, actually here, terrifyingly close.

I smiled at Fi, and I smiled at John.

John looked shattered, and Fi looked teary but thoughtful.

Thorn scooped rice onto xyr plate and mine, before ladling rich orange sauce and chicken over it. I was salivating now, like, I felt impossibly hungry, and even though Hannah hadn’t picked up her fork, and Fi and John were apparently stalled, I had to eat. I felt like I would literally die if I didn’t, so I picked up my fork and speared a piece of chicken and took a big bite, and it was, truly, delicious.