File 25: Learn Your Lesson

1

The mujina.

Originally, in ancient Japan, it was an animal that was said to deceive people, like the fox or tanuki. There is no modern animal by that name because it was an alternate name for the tanuki, or the badger—there was regional variation in what animal was known as the “mujina.” Perhaps due to that ambiguity, that made it all the more unknowable, and as a result, in the modern period, it came to be treated as a fictional beast, or a youkai.

It had a distinctive feature as a youkai—it transformed into a person, but often without a face, like the nopperabou.

There was a famous story that appeared in Kwaidan by Yakumo Koizumi: a man comes across a woman who is hunched over, crying by the roadside at night, and he calls out to her, concerned. When the woman turns, she has no eyes, nose, or face. The man runs off in a panic, fleeing into a soba place that has its lanterns lit. When the man says he just had a frightful experience, the owner says, “Did her face look like this?” and turns to reveal that his face also has no eyes, nose, or mouth. And just as he does, the lights go out.

The title of that story was “Mujina.”

If this were someone else’s problem, it would be fascinating—there weren’t just old folk tales, but also multiple true ghost stories that were similar. Including the element of a person crouching at the foot of a utility pole.

The details of the face when they turn around vary from story to story. A face that’s smooth like a peeled egg. A face with no eyes, nose, or mouth, but noticeable pores. Or even a bizarre face with all the parts rearranged...

I think all the commonalities and minute differences in these experiences are really interesting.

If this were happening to someone else...

I don’t know how I got home after that. The next thing I knew it was morning, and I awoke in my own bed. That’s just how much the experience shook me, apparently.

But the shocking part of it wasn’t encountering a mujina, but the fact that I was afraid of Toriko.

I had faced horrors from the other world several times before. I often knew the original stories they were based on, but even with that knowledge they’d all been super scary experiences.

I had only been able to take them on because Toriko was there.

She must have been scared too, but she always stuck there by my side, holding my hand. Even when it looked like fear might win out in the end, one look at Toriko’s face was all it took to make it all okay again.

How could I be afraid of Toriko?

I thought I might have screwed something up, made her fed up with me. I’m not exactly a confident person, after all. But I never thought it was so bad I’d recoil at the sight of her.

I’m scared.

Scared of what? Of meeting her face to face? Of talking? Of touching?

I curled up in a ball in bed, thoughts racing through my head. I remembered what Toriko said during Satsuki Uruma’s funeral.

“I don’t want to touch you now, and I don’t want you touching me either. So, yeah... It was over. I mean, if I don’t want to touch you, if that’s how I feel, then... We’re through, right?”

Is that it? Is it no good between Toriko and me anymore? That’s absurd.

That can’t be right.

Well, can I call her right now, talk over the phone?

Looking at my smartphone—I hesitated.

Is it okay to call when she said she wouldn’t contact me for a week? What do I do if she gives me the cold shoulder? Or, alternatively, what if she just carries on chatting normally, as if nothing ever happened?

I’d never thought like this before.

Is this...what it’s like to be scared? I don’t think so. This isn’t fear, at least. It’s uncertainty, sure. For some reason, I’ve become timid.

Come to think of it, since the aberration appeared in Toriko’s form, I should check in on her. No doubt about that.

I made up my mind, and...didn’t call. Instead, I texted her. “You doing okay?”

It got marked as read. Then, seconds later, she sent a stamp of a cat forming a circle with both its paws, meaning yes.

That was it.

She didn’t ignore me outright, but she apparently wasn’t going to put in any more than the bare minimum effort to respond. I saw how it was.

Still, it was a bit of a relief. I’d overcome my timidity for now, and even got a response I could kind of understand. And it looked like the mujina hadn’t showed up at Toriko’s place, so...

“What the heck...?”

Why was I making excuses to myself, and for what?

I didn’t understand.

It’s not like me. This isn’t me. Maybe I’ve gone crazy. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

No, but if I keep dragging my feet, I get the feeling another mujina is going to show up looking like Toriko. If it happened in my room, that’d be the worst. Yeah, that’s right. I can’t be passive when it comes to the Otherside. If I get timid, they’ll do me in.

Maybe it’s the same way when it comes to Toriko?

That suspicion suddenly arose in my mind.

That...could be true. But they’re two different things. Totally different...!

While I was thinking things that didn’t even qualify as excuses, I dragged myself out of bed and headed to the kitchen. For now, I had to head to my university.

So I went, but there was no way I was going to be able to focus. With the precedent set by T-san, I could imagine I might run into a mujina again somewhere, and, more importantly, I still had no way of resolving my current issues. Talking with Benimori-san felt like it had cleared the fog a little, but maybe that had just been an illusion?

Once my afternoon lectures were over, I left the university feeling dead tired. The evening sky was heavy with clouds. The rainy season was late in coming this year, and we weren’t getting much precipitation even now that it was June.

As I was thinking I’d buy some prepared foods from the supermarket, then head home like usual—suddenly, I came to a stop. I’d just remembered Benimori-san’s advice that I should talk to other people about it too.

Come to think of it, there was one candidate in my tiny social circle who I could ask. Akari. The girl adored me, so if I talked to her about it, maybe she’d give me some advice that really took my interests to heart...

Err... Would she? I was a bit iffy on that.

I don’t think her attachment to me is romantic. I know I’m not the most observant when it comes to these things, but that can’t be it. But at the same time, it’s hard to predict how she’ll react when I ask her. There’s no doubt she’ll want to know who we’re talking about, and her frank and strangely warped personality might cause her to blow up in ways I’m not anticipating. Not that there’s anything specific I’m worried she’d do... But on the other hand, I can’t deny that just being around me makes her act weird, so... Yeah, no, I guess I shouldn’t.

One of the big reasons I was able to talk to Benimori-san was that there’s a certain distance between us. This is the kind of thing where it’s actually harder to go to someone I’m close to for advice. I don’t want to talk about it with them.

Hold on... Come to think of it, I do have another acquaintance in the area. We aren’t that close, and there’s a certain distance between us. Maybe I’ll try getting her opinion.

As I was thinking this, I kept walking past my usual supermarket.

“Huh? Kamikoshi-senpai?”

Natsumi, who had been looking at a clipboard in the garage of the Ichikawa Automobile Repair Shop, furrowed her brow when she noticed me. “What’re you doing here?”

“Do you have a moment, Ichikawa-san?”

“What’s up?”

“I was hoping you’d hear me out on something. Is now a good time?”

Natsumi set her clipboard down on the tool wagon and fixed me with a suspicious look. “Hear you out about what?”

“I need some advice, actually.”

“Oh, is this about cars?”

“Nah, it’s about, uh, what would you call it...? Interpersonal relationships?”

“Interpersonal relationships?” Natsumi repeated the words dubiously.

“Yeah. Oh, I’ll buy you some food.”

“Right...” For some reason, that made Natsumi more suspicious.

“It’s fine if you’re busy,” I told her.

“I guess it must be pretty important, huh? Since you’ve gone out of your way to come here.”

“Well...” I trailed off. It was really important to me, but probably didn’t matter to Natsumi.

Natsumi turned around and shouted, “Hey, old man! Sorry, I’m gonna head out for a bit.”

From the back of the garage full of vehicles being repaired, someone responded. “What about dinner?”

“I’ll eat while I’m out! Let Mom know too.”

Natsumi’s parents were supposed to have gotten hurt pretty badly during the Sannukikano incident. Had it been half a year since? I was glad to see they’d both been safely discharged from the hospital.

Natsumi turned back to me. “Could you wait for me to go get changed?”

Five minutes later, Natsumi came back after changing from her jumpsuit into a tracksuit. “Where’re we going to eat?” she asked.

“How does a tavern sound?”

“Works for me.”

I’d looked up nearby places on my phone while waiting. We were a good distance from the station here, but it was close to the university, so there were a number of taverns. From the options available, I picked out a place that did fried skewers where we wouldn’t have to worry too much about the price.

We headed inside and sat down across from one another at a table. It was superbly awkward being alone with her, but she seemed to feel the same way, so I decided not to sweat it.

I ordered a highball. Natsumi got a lemon sour.

“Well then...”

“’Kay.”

After that unclear toast, Natsumi spoke up. “So...”

“Uh, right. Hear me out.”

“Okay.”

“I’ve been worried about something lately.”

“You, Senpai?”

“And I thought it would be good to get your opinion, Ichikawa-san.”

“Why me?”

I obviously couldn’t say it was because we weren’t that close. “It’s because I feel like you’ll be able to give me an objective opinion.”

“Objective... Ohh, well, yeah, since we’re not that close.”

She holds back even less than I do. Well, that’s good in its own way, though.

“So, you said interpersonal relationships. Who’re we talking about here? That’s what I wanna know first... This about Akari?” Natsumi asked, unable to hold the question in.

Oh, she was worried about that... I thought to myself, feeling like I understood.

“No, no,” I reassured her. “This has nothing to do with Akari.”

“Oh... Huh. I see. I was sure it was gonna be...” Natsumi said, deflated. She reached for the edamame that we got as an appetizer.

“Yeah, it’s got nothing to do with her. This is something more abstract.”

“Right... What are you talking about?”

“This is going to sound like a silly question, but what do you think is the difference between friends and lovers?”

Natsumi’s hand stopped halfway to her mouth.

“Between friends...and lovers?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s...a hard one, yeah,” Natsumi said with a serious look on her face. “Real hard...”

“It’s that tough?”

Natsumi glared at me as I sat there confused. “Why’re you asking?” she demanded. “You’re not messing with me, are you?”

“No, not at all...? Why would you think that?”

“Because... Aw, shit.” Natsumi hung her head, drinking alcohol in silence for a while, then, suddenly, she raised her head again. “Fine, I’m gonna come right out with it. You’re lesbian, right?”

“Come again?”

“You’re not?”

“Uhh... I dunno.”

“You don’t know?”

“I’ve...never thought about it.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Natsumi looked at me with open doubt on her face.

“I wouldn’t normally be so blunt about this. But you’re the one who came to me, Senpai. I can’t say anything if you’re not gonna be clear about it.”

Natsumi leaned across the table.

“So, how about it? You don’t look like the type, Senpai, but from what I’m hearing, sounds to me like you’re a raging lesbian.”

“What did you hear that makes you think that?!”

The platter of skewers chose just that moment of confusion to arrive. Natsumi sat back down in her chair, staring at me as she munched a chicken skewer.

“You’re saying I’m wrong? Okay, tell me who’s your one and only then.”

“My one and only...?”

“Whose woman are you, Senpaiii...?”

“You drunk already?”

“Please don’t dodge the question. I’m serious here.”

“I’m nobody’s woman.”

“Sigh. That’s what you’re gonna say, huh?”

“What?”

“Well, what’s Nishina-senpai to you, then?”

Seeing me at a loss for words, Natsumi put on a mocking smile. “See? It’s just like I thought, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not.”

“How isn’t it?”

“It’s just not, okay!” I raised my voice without meaning to. Then, lowering it, I continued, “That’s what I wanted to get your advice on. Don’t just decide things for me.”

“That’s what you wanted to get my advice on...?” Natsumi repeated, seemingly not getting it. “Huh? Then... Wait, hold on, you two aren’t going out yet? Still???”

“We aren’t!”

“You’ve gotta be shitting me?! Huh? Seriously?!”

I let out a sigh, exhausted already. I may have chosen the wrong person.

“Huh? So when you asked the difference between friends and lovers... That wasn’t about me?”

“About you? I have no idea what you mean.”

“Oh... You don’t, huh... I was so sure...” Natsumi suddenly covered her face. “Ohh... So that’s how it is, huh? Ugh... I wish I could just die...”

“What are you on about?”

“I was totally hung up on myself. I’m so sorry.”

“Right...”

Natsumi bowed her head to me as I sat there totally bewildered.

“Did I say something about you, Ichikawa-san?”

“No, you didn’t. You didn’t, buuut...” Natsumi mumbled indistinctly, then looked up at my face. Her eyebrows were drooping.

“Akari’s, like, super important to me...”

“Yeah, that’s easy to see.”

“I love her.”

“Okay then...”

“Whaddaya mean, ‘Okay then.’”

“Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Uh, I think that’s nice.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“Uh-huh, yeah.”

“Akari’s a cutie.”

“Real cute, sure.”

“You thought so too, then, Senpai?”

“Huh?”

“You were gunning for her.”

“Was not. Your face is scary.”

“I mean, Akari’s attached to you, isn’t she, Senpai?”

“Sure she is. As my kouhai.”

“Is that really all it is?”

“Listen! I’m going to be blunt here, but I don’t have any feelings for Akari, or anything like that, okay?!”

When I said that so emphatically, Natsumi screwed her face up like she was dissatisfied about something. “Well, what then? You’re saying I’ve been feeling uneasy this whole time, just getting jealous for no good reason?”

“Yes!”

Natsumi crumpled again at my response. “So that’s how it was...”

Seriously, what is with her?

“That thing you said, the difference between friends and lovers? I’ve been agonizing over it this whole time too. We’ve been close since we were little, and Akari really respects me. I’ve wanted to ask her to go out with me as my girlfriend so many times. But I can’t do it, you know? I just can’t come out and say it. My love for her and her love for me are different. I just know it.”

Natsumi started telling me something I never asked. I just chewed on a skewer and listened respectfully.

“Akari’s a nice girl, so I don’t think she’d hate me for asking. I trust her not to do that. But once she rejects me, or just lets it go by with a vague response, it’d definitely be a little awkward, you know? Maybe Akari’d forget it, but I never could. It’d absolutely sour things.”

As I sat there silently listening, she glared at me. “Say something, would you?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah... Must be rough, huh?”

When suddenly prompted to comment, that was all I could come up with.

“Yeah, you’re right... It is rough.”

I thought she was going to get mad again, but Natsumi nodded earnestly. I didn’t know if she was a pain in the butt or easy to deal with.

“How about you, Senpai?”

“What do you mean, about me?”

“Your relationship with Nishina-senpai. Quit playing dumb every time it comes up.”

“I’m not really playing dumb,” I shot back, getting miffed at her aggressive attitude.

“You’re the one who went and brought up the difference between friends and lovers, Senpai.”

“Yeah, I don’t care anymore. Forget about it.”

“Huh? What’re you chickening out for? You came to me because you need advice about something, right? Out with it already.”

I hesitated for some time, then finally broke my silence. “So, listen...”

“Yeah.”

“Toriko, she asked me to tell her how I feel about her.”

“Right... How do you feel about her?”

“See, that’s the thing. I dunno.”

“Right... Huh? Whaddaya mean?” Natsumi furrowed her brow.

“Toriko said that she loves me. In a romantic way.”

“She confessed her feelings, huh? Good for you two.”

“But I dunno how I feel.”

“Now I’m getting pissed.”

“Why?”

“Don’t give me that. She told you how she feels, right? Now it’s just a matter of whether you’re going to do her or she’s going to do you, isn’t it?”

“I-Is it?”

“Got a bit ahead of myself there. No... If she’s confessed her feelings, you’ve either gotta give her the OK, and go out with her, or reject her.”

“Hrmm... If I reject her, what happens then?”

“You’re planning to reject her?”

“We’re talking hypothetically here. Hypothetically.”

“I don’t know, but... It’d get a bit awkward, I guess...?”

“Yeah, so I figured...”

“You gonna reject her?”

“Hrmm... Before it gets to that, I dunno how I even feel.”

“Which is why you asked the question about friends and lovers, huh? Are you one of those, Senpai? The people who don’t experience sexual desire or romantic attraction.”

“Yeah... I don’t know.”

“I hear they exist.”

“You’re awfully knowledgeable about this...”

“Huh? Well, when you start looking this stuff up, you learn all sorts of things in the process, you know?”

“I’ve never looked it up.”

“Hold on, didn’t you learn about it in sex ed?”

“I wasn’t exactly going to school much.”

Natsumi stared at me, surprised. “You’re surprisingly innocent, Senpai... I may’ve been wrong about you.”

Just what kind of image did she have of me?

“So, wait, you have no romantic feelings for Nishina-senpai? I thought you two were super close. If you two act like that, and then it turns out you weren’t into her at all, I’m gonna have to feel bad for her.”

“It just isn’t clicking for me...”

“Huh? Talk about a nice problem to have. You really are pissing me off here.”

“Why...?”

“Okay, let’s say it’s impossible for you to go out with her. Would you be okay with Nishina-senpai ending up with another woman?”

“Huh? No, I’d hate that,” I blurted out reflexively.

“You’d hate it, huh? Well, guess you’re going to have to bite the bullet and go out with her then.”

“Hrmm... Can’t things be like they’ve always been...?”

“Senpai. That pisses me off more than anything,” Natsumi said with restrained anger. “I think it took a lot of courage for Nishina-senpai to tell you how she feels. I know you two’ve been close all this time, but she wants to move on to the next stage with you. It’s awfully selfish to ignore that and want things to stay the way they are. That’s only taking the parts you like, isn’t it?”

“Urgh.”

“Even if you reject her, maybe Nishina-senpai’ll feel that she has to act the way she always has, on the surface, at least. Because she loves you. But if you do that, you’ve gotta accept it when she finds someone else who’s going to be more important to her than you are.”

She...might be right about that. Natsumi’s reasoning was sound. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even want to think about Toriko drifting away from me.

“If you really can’t accept Nishina-senpai’s feelings, I’d feel bad for her if you didn’t just come out and say so. You’ve gotta set her free from you, Senpai.”

“Set her free...”

“If you don’t, she’ll be tied down to you forever. You might be fine with that, but do you think Nishina-senpai would be happy that way? It’s just not healthy.”

“Urgh.”

“Okay, level with me. What’s wrong with going out with her? It’s not that you have someone else you like, right? If you’re not, like, totally put off by her on a biological level, why not try it? If it doesn’t work out, maybe you end up breaking up, but at least that’s moving forward, isn’t it? For both of you. Otherwise, you’re just gonna be treading water in the same place forever, aren’t you?”

“You think...?”

“Yeah, I think.”

I get what she’s saying. And fair enough. I think she’s right. But there’s something about it that doesn’t sit right with me, and I can’t put what it is into words.

While I burned with frustration as she lectured me, Natsumi got more and more intoxicated. As the alcohol spread through her, the sermon which included her own feelings for Akari and self-ridicule repeated itself over and over. The percentage of complaining involved rose, and as I listened, unable to argue back, Natsumi finally collapsed on the table, dead drunk.

“Whoa... You okay? Can you make it back home?”

“I’m, fine. Toootally fine,” she said, her speech slurred.

“You don’t look fine.”

“’Cuz I’ve got Akari with me.”

“She’s not here, though?”

“Why’s she not here? Call ’er here, Senpai. Take responsibility!”

There was nothing else I could do, so I texted Akari. She showed up at the tavern in person, not ten minutes later, totally out of breath.

“Wha?! You two really were drinking together! What gives? No fair! I’d have wanted to join you too!”

“Uhh, sorry. It just kinda worked out this way...” I mumbled, not wanting to get interrogated as to how this happened. Akari put a hand on Natsumi’s shoulder as she laid with her head down on the table.

“Hey, Nattsun. You okay?”

“It’s Akari... Huh, what’re you doin’ here?”

“I came to get you. Time to go home.”

“I don’t wannaaaa.”

“Jeez. Sorry, Senpai. I’ve never seen Nattsun this drunk in public before. She’s not normally like this.”

“Nah, I should apologize. It’s not like I tried to stop her.”

“Here, have some water. Can you stand?”

Natsumi stood up, borrowing Akari’s shoulder for support. Once we’d settled the bill, the three of us headed outside.

“I love you, Akariii.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“I love youuu.”

“I know, I know.”

Brushing all of this off, Akari continued lending Natsumi her shoulder as they walked.

In terms of overall closeness, these two were pretty close too. The way Akari looked at Natsumi, the way she talked to her, they seemed so very gentle, and loving to me.

For a moment, I considered asking. How did Akari feel about Natsumi? Did she know that when Natsumi said she loved her, she meant it romantically?

But I couldn’t ask. Maybe she hadn’t noticed, maybe she was only dimly aware...

Maybe she knew, but was pretending not to, so as to keep her relationship with Natsumi the same as it had ever been.

Or perhaps she enjoyed seeing Natsumi tormented by the affection that Natsumi felt for her.

Was that reading too much into it? Yeah, probably. I don’t think Akari’s that warped. But I don’t know. Anything’s possible.

Watching from behind as the two of them walked so close to one another, I started to feel lonely.

Toriko, Benimori-san, Natsumi and Akari—I felt like everyone seemed to go crazy once “romance” got involved.

Will I end up like that too? Or am I already crazy?