MERE SECONDS SEPARATED Izzy and Antonio on the AlterG machine leaderboard, and that wasn’t the only challenge where they were neck and neck. Two weeks ago, the teams had switched, and Antonio had enjoyed his time riding fence with the ranch hands. There was something soothing about being on the back of a horse, and it put him in touch with his roots in a way that he hadn’t been in years.
He also hated it slightly. Being out in the pasture gave him too much time to think about Izzy. They were still “dating,” though he used the term loosely. They had crashed in each other’s rooms a few times over the last two weeks, but Ace and Hemi were driving all of the candidates hard and some of those evenings had been quickie sex followed by deep sleep.
He admitted to himself that having her in his arms at night made him sleep better. Probably because she was the number-one cause of his insomnia when she wasn’t there. When he held her, he felt almost like he really had her. He knew he didn’t, though. Had glimpsed the competitive glean in her eyes too many times to ever think that they were going to drift into some kind of solid relationship.
This was his last day of dedicated ranch chores. Tomorrow was the start of Memorial Day weekend, and there was a combination of events on the Bar T and in town that everyone was taking part in. There was a mock rodeo tomorrow and all of the Cronus candidates would be taking part in a dummy steer-roping competition, followed by some exhibition bull riding and barrel racing. Then a barbecue by the lake and dancing. He’d be competing against Izzy at the steer roping, and then cleaning up and coming to the party as a couple.
He’d sent away for a gift for her because he wanted her to know that he saw her as more than someone who egged him on. Someone who made him better because he was always striving to keep up with her. He wanted to get her something personal that would remind her of him and ultimately of them when they were apart.
When he got back from checking this section of fence he was going to see if the package had been delivered. He also needed to check his weekly email. With his brothers’ help, he was trying to arrange a trip to the state for his parents so they could see where he trained. They would have to stay in Cole’s Hill, but Antonio’s family was very close and it had been over a year since he’d been able to get home.
“Dude, you are taking your time staring at that fence. Does it need to be repaired?” Marty asked.
Marty was a tall and lanky cowboy and had been the one to confess to having a crush on Jessie Odell that day Antonio had gone swimming with the hands. He was a laconic speaker with a dry wit and ribald sense of humor. Antonio liked working with him.
“Sorry, Marty. The fence is fine over here,” Antonio said.
“You look like a man with a lot on his mind,” Marty said as they started riding back toward the Bar T’s main barn.
“You could say that.”
“Are you worried about going so far away from Earth?” Marty asked. “I’ve been following the press briefings on the Cronus mission. I’d be scared shitless if I was up there in space for a day, much less eighteen months.”
Antonio thought about it. Sure, there were moments when he experienced some trepidation. Like when the launch vehicle tests failed or when he heard rumors that the stationary jets on the actual space station still weren’t working, but overall the call to be out there in space overshadowed that.
“Not really,” Antonio said. “My brothers all think I’m crazy, though.”
“They ain’t the only ones,” Marty said with a laugh.
They got back to the barn and groomed their horses before Antonio left to go check and see if his mail had arrived. As he approached the ranch house, he heard laughter. Lots of women, he thought. And then he heard Izzy. He came around the corner of the house where the back porch led to a deck and the pool. His eyes were drawn to Izzy in her bikini lying on a chaise next to Meredith, Molly and Rina.
They were talking about something, but it wasn’t the words that he listened to. It was the joy. He realized he’d only seen glimpses of this side of Izzy, and it made him aware of the fact that she was on guard with him. The only time he really had a chance to know her and see her like this was when they were making love.
Outside of the bedroom she always kept her distance. He wasn’t sure if it was a conscious thing or not, but he decided he had to get to the bottom of it.
He cleared his throat and the women all turned to look at him.
“Hello, Antonio,” Rina called out. “This is a girls-only party, but we might make an exception for you if you have your cute dog with you.”
“I’m alone, I’m afraid. I don’t mean to intrude, but I was expecting a package to be delivered today,” Antonio said.
“Yep, I saw something come in for you,” Rina called back. “Follow me, and I’ll get it for you.”
He approached the deck and noticed that Izzy hadn’t said a word to him. A part of him was tired of the to-and-fro that was going on between them. He knew they’d been training hard and maybe she just needed this time with her friends to unwind and relax, but he needed her to acknowledge him.
Because despite what she’d said, he’d been the one to go to her on the nights they’d spent together. And he was beginning to believe that no matter what she’d said, all she wanted from him was a booty call.
* * *
IZZY WATCHED ANTONIO walk away, knowing she should have said something. He looked good. Hot and dusty from spending a day working the ranch. His olive skin had darkened in the sun and his shirt fit his shoulders and muscled arms like a second skin. His jeans were faded and looked soft as they clung to his body in all the right places.
So, instead of talking, she’d hid behind her sunglasses and just watched him. Listened to the deep rumble of his voice and his accent, and had a flashback to him reading to her in the bathtub.
She was struggling. Only on the nights when he knocked on her door was she able to let go for a few minutes and allow him in. Not only into her room but also into her life.
The competition was stiff between them, but it wasn’t just that keeping her from him. It was her own fears and her desire to not stumble this close to the finish line.
She’d realized it this morning when she’d been in the simulator of the actual space vehicle they would be using on the mission working with assembling part of the space station in the underwater tank. She had read over Antonio’s notes, which he’d been so generous to share with her and the rest of her team, and she realized that as much as she’d always worked in a group, she didn’t like to have to rely on anyone else. She had always been at the front of the pack because she didn’t trust those around her. She had to lead.
Which was uncomfortable when she realized it was true in her personal life, as well. Though she had wanted to go to Antonio’s room every night, she refused to be the one to break first or to show that she needed him.
She was playing a game and she was smart enough to know that if she played with a real relationship she was going to get burned. She wasn’t ready to admit that she and Antonio could be more than friends or lovers. No matter what she’d said in those predawn hours at the Grand Hotel, the truth was that she wasn’t ready.
She wanted to be. When she was with Antonio he made her trust that she had nothing to fear, but her demons had been with her longer than anything else. They were familiar. She wanted to believe she was the strong woman she saw herself as, that she’d never crumble because of a man and wasn’t cut from the same cloth as her mom.
But here she was watching Antonio walk away and feeling a pang deep in her stomach. A longing for him. Every time it sprang up, she tried to convince herself it was only sexual, but that was a lie. They hadn’t had a chance to just hang out and talk lately, and she missed that as much as she missed the sex when she wasn’t with him.
This was more than sex.
Pretending otherwise was an insult to Antonio and to herself. “Excuse me, ladies.”
She jumped up and followed Rina and Antonio into the house. The air-conditioning felt cold after the outside heat, and the tile floor was cool on her feet. She followed the sound of Rina’s voice to find them standing in the main hallway. Suddenly, she had no idea what she was going to say.
“Antonio, are you going back to the bunkhouse?”
“I am,” he said.
“Wait for me, I’d like to go with you,” Izzy said.
Rina raised her eyebrow but only said, “I’ll keep him company while you grab your shoes and bag.”
Izzy nodded before turning and going back outside to gather her things. She pulled on her gauzy beach cover-up and picked up her bag. “Sorry to bail, ladies, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to Antonio for a few days.”
“It’s okay,” Meredith said. “We’ll miss you.”
Izzy stood there, not entirely sure what to say, but having already committed to Antonio she knew she couldn’t waffle on it now. But going public hadn’t been part of her plan. Meredith was in the Cronus program. Was it wise to imply that she and Antonio were involved? There was a lot risk involved with dating someone else on the team.
“Thanks,” Izzy said. She felt stupid. Was she the only woman in the world who was this messed up and confused about a man? Why was this so hard? Now that she knew Antonio, she knew he was a good guy. He had manners, he was smart, he was funny, he didn’t get mad when she won, and better still, didn’t let her win. He had a rocking, sexy bod. He was everything a woman could ask for.
Yet, she’d been holding herself back.
She wished she could just let go, but she couldn’t. The more she tried, the more she dug in her heels.
Idiot.
She’d been keeping herself aloof from him, but she needed to just enjoy this. She regretted not at least living with one of her boyfriends in the past; maybe then this wouldn’t feel so foreign and she’d know how to just be with Antonio.
But there had never been a man who made her feel what Antonio did. And as much as she was unsure and apprehensive about him, she also couldn’t simply walk away or let him go.
She wasn’t thinking about the space program or anything other than Antonio.
Was this what it was like for her mom? Was this why she’d sworn off men?
Izzy wanted to ask her, but then that would mean opening up a bunch of issues from her upbringing that she had never wanted to deal with.
She walked back through the house to where Rina and Antonio waited.
“Ready to go?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said.
* * *
ANTONIO TUCKED HIS package under his arm as they walked back toward the training facility and the bunkhouse quad. Izzy didn’t say anything as she kept pace beside him. She smelled like summer to him—a combination of coconut and pineapple. He assumed it was her sunscreen.
He wanted to ask her about her past. To figure out why she was so gun-shy when it came to him. But, of course, that would be opening up a can of worms that he might not like. Instead, he searched for something else—something safe—to talk about.
“We’re both at the top of the leaderboard in skills,” he said. “I hope that means we are both chosen for the first mission.”
“Me, too,” she said, then reached out and took his hand.
Hers was clammy and she sort of clung to his hand. He slowed his pace and looked down at their joined hands, then over at her.
“Are you okay?”
She shook her head. “I’m not. Not even close. I told you I would be okay with dating, and then I slunk back to my room, working every hour I could in order to make sure I was exhausted every night so I wouldn’t be tempted to go to you. But the only time I sleep is when you come to my room. I’m running from you and I’m starting to think I should be running to you.”
Antonio took a deep breath and pulled her to a stop near one of the large shade trees that dotted the path. There was a small wrought-iron bench underneath it, and he drew her over to it. This was the kind of conversation that needed to be had in private and in a neutral area. Not the bunkhouse.
“Why? What is it about me that scares you so much?” he asked. “I’m trying to give you room and let you set the pace, but even that doesn’t help.”
She pursed her lips and looked down at her lap. “I’ve never really had time for relationships, and I’ve put them on the back burner for a reason.”
He lifted their joined hands and brushed a kiss along the back of her knuckles. “Whatever it is, I’m not going to run away.”
“You should. I’m carrying around so much baggage.”
“We all are,” he said. “That’s how we know this is serious. We’re adults, and we’ve got the scars and the triumphs to prove it.”
She tipped her head to the side and studied him with her large gray eyes. He didn’t want to admit to falling for the wrong woman in the past or the fact that there were times he wasn’t sure he could live up to the example his parents had set of what a couple should be. But his own relationships with women had always left him feeling wounded and raw. Never giving him that love and commitment he saw in his parents.
They both made each other stronger, and while he and Izzy pushed each other to improve at their jobs, Antonio had no idea if he made her a better person.
“That’s very wise,” she said. “Sometimes I feel I’m the only one who is a big mess inside.”
“If only,” he said. “The older I get the more I realize that almost everyone is a mess. All we can do is try our best. Tell me what you fear.”
“I sort of started to the other night and then chickened out,” she said.
Whatever she was hiding from was deeply embedded in her. He knew because he’d spent a lot of hours running from his own demons and knew what that looked like.
He took a deep breath. He wanted to make it easier for her. Wasn’t that what a man was supposed to do for the woman he loved?
But he’d been the one to reach out every time. She always welcomed him, but he needed her to take the first step once in a while.
She nibbled on her bottom lip and then inhaled audibly. “I had five stepdads when I was growing up. My mom is a very good mother—so please don’t think I’m judging her—but she didn’t know how to live without a man in her life. Actually, I think she’s still not sure how to deal with men and so I’ve never really trusted a relationship.”
That was something he wasn’t expecting. Five stepdads...that was a lot. He remembered his own childhood with his steady parents and brothers, and he felt the guilt over his own demons grow. She could have taken a different path; instead, she was stronger than he was.
“Were they good to you?” he asked.
“Some of them. And there were guys she dated in between. Some of them just ignored me, some had kids of their own. It was complicated. My mom always changed with each new relationship, losing herself in the man of the moment. I vowed I’d never do that.”
He could see that. “I can’t imagine you ever letting a man have that much control over you.”
“I’m glad you think that. But I am afraid to let myself really care about you, Antonio. I’m afraid if I let go for a second, then I will be just like my mom.” She ran her hand through her hair and shook her head. “I love my mom and I’m not trying to diss her, but what if that’s just the way we are? You’re the first man that I’ve even thought of in a serious way and I am afraid of that. Afraid of you.”
Her truth humbled him, and he wished there was something he could say to reassure her. But he wasn’t sure of what the future held. He’d never ask her to be anything other than herself, but until she was really committed to him, she’d never know if she had that capability.