“IS SHE ASLEEP?” Jesse asks me.
I turn back to look at Vicks, careful not to wake the duck, who has tucked herself into a small fuzzball in my lap. Jesse reluctantly entrusted Waffle to my care after Waffle slipped off the driver’s seat and nearly got squashed by the gas pedal.
“She’s out cold,” I say, and indeed, Vicks is stretched across the backseat, her head cradled between her arms like she’s bracing herself for impact. I lower the volume on Macy Gray’s “I Try.”
“Saving me from the jaws of death must suck out the energy,” says Jesse.
I’ve been full of fun and smiles and alligator adrenaline, but her comment stings. I sink into my seat and stare at the blackness outside. Yes, saving someone from the jaws of death would require energy. But I wouldn’t know. Because I didn’t save her. I didn’t do anything but panic. “I’m sorry I didn’t jump in to save you,” I say.
“You didn’t need to. Vicks did.”
“I know.” My voice cracks, but I take a deep breath and keep going. “I just wish I was the kind of person who could.”
“Mel, you’re not a bad person because you’re afraid of alligators.”
I turn back to her. “I hate that I’m a wimp.”
“Hey. Some people are afraid of getting chewed up by alligators. Some people”—she jerks her thumb at Vicks—“are afraid of getting chewed up by other people. It’s okay.”
I think about my new school. My old school. My sister. The situations I was afraid to face. The people I was afraid to stand up to. The people I let slip away. “But I’m afraid of alligators and people,” I say. I hear the whining in my voice, and I’m embarrassed, because I’m not trying to turn this into a poor-little-Mel conversation.
“You’re not afraid of me, are you?” Jesse asks.
I laugh, startled out of my self-pity. Jesse. Jesse who once terrified me. Sweet, generous Jesse. Big-hearted Jesse. “No.” I pause. “Not anymore.”
“I was pretty awful to you.” She gives me a sheepish smile. “Why’d you come with us on this trip? For real?”
I run my fingers over the duck’s head and down its back. “I don’t know. You and Vicks seemed so close. You trusted each other. I wanted to be a part of that. And I guess…I guess I was tired of being afraid of people.”
We’re silent for a few minutes, while I pet Waffle and listen to the song. I wonder if you can know something about yourself and not know it at the same time. I wonder if everyone has secret fears, and not just me.
I think about Vicks, who’s so scared of getting hurt down the road that she decided to hurt herself now instead. “She’s making a mistake, isn’t she?”
Jesse must have been thinking about Vicks too because she nods and says, “Uh-huh.”
“We should stop her.”
She wrinkles her forehead. “How?”
“We’ll go find Brady.”
“Are you kidding me?”
I stop petting to reach for the map. “No, why not? She saved you. Now we’ll save her.”
Jesse’s forehead is still wrinkled and now she’s sucking on her lower lip. “Um, okay. But Vicks and me, well, we’re fixing things between us, I really do think we are, and…it’s just…”
She trickles off.
“You don’t want to mess things up,” I fill in.
“I don’t want to mess things up again,” she says. “For the forty billionth time. I mean, I’m sure this is one of those times when the right thing to do is speak up, but—”
“It’s okay,” I tell her.
“I’m sorry, Mel. For real.” She does look very sorry.
I realize what I have to do. “Hey, can you pull over? Just for a second.”
“Excuse me?”
I may be afraid of gators, but I won’t let myself be afraid of Vicks. “Your turn to hold Waffle. My turn to drive.”
“Er…do you know how to drive?”
“Of course I know how to drive. And if I’m driving, when Vicks freaks out it will be at me.”
Jesse drums her fingernails against the steering wheel, but I can tell she really does want to. “Are you sure? She’s going to be way bent out of shape.”
“I know.” I can take it.
Jesse pulls over to the shoulder and puts the car into park. We both open our doors and hurry around the front of the car. I pass her Waffle like a precious baton and then slip into the driver’s seat.
Well. Here I am. I notice the light creeping up over the horizon, as I adjust the mirrors. I feel my excessively pounding heart against my hand as I fasten my seat belt.
I can do this. I can do this. I place my foot on the brake, and shift the car into drive. Here we go. The blood rushes to my head.
Vicks might be mad, but I’m not going to lose her over this. Because it’s the right thing to do; because she might hate me, but she’ll get over it; and because I’m a good friend.
Bzz! Bzz!
“Your cell,” Jesse says. She reaches behind her to the backseat floor, where I must have dropped it. “Bet it’s your boyfriend.”
My boyfriend. Marco. Marco! I forgot about Marco! I mean, not forgot forgot, but I haven’t obsessed about him since the whole alligator debacle.
Maybe I’m tougher than I thought. I take the phone from Jesse and flip it open. “Hi there,” I say.
“I almost didn’t call since it’s so late—well, early—but then I thought, what the hell. Anyway. How’s it going?”
He’s babbling! How cute. “Great. I’m driving!”
“I thought you hated to drive?”
I feel the weight of the gas peddle under my foot and weigh the truth of that statement. “No. I’m just new at it. Guess what? I almost got eaten by an alligator!”
“What?”
I laugh. “Long story. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. Where are you now?”
“Back home.”
“Good. Are you going to sleep?”
“Yup. I just wanted to check in. Call me tomorrow?”
“Sure.” He wants to talk to me tomorrow. Because he likes me. Because I am likeable. Because I am going to be a great girlfriend.
“And I’ll take the bus up to see you next weekend. Cool?”
I sit up straight. “Maybe I’ll come see you.”
“Really? You can borrow a car?”
“I have a car.” My sister will have to deal. In the distance I spot a sign for Miami. “Marco, I gotta go. We’re almost in Miami.”
“I thought you were going to the castle.”
“We were. But I’m wild and crazy and changed the plan.” I laugh.
“Okay, Ms. Wild and Crazy. Have fun. Good night. I mean, good morning.”
“Same to you.” Adorable Marco.
I flip down the phone and hand it to Jesse.
“He’s going to have sweet dreams tonight,” she says. “He must be thanking his lucky stars he met you.”
The words, I doubt it, want to slip out, but I swallow them. I laugh instead.
We follow the signs to the university. “You don’t know where Brady lives, do you?”
“No clue,” Jesse says. “Let’s just look for the dorms or something. And then we’ll wake her up. Well…you’ll wake her up.”
I continue along the South Dixie Highway until I spot a sign to turn onto Stanford Drive, and then I see the campus. Even though it’s only four in the morning, there are a few groups of students—probably drunk—milling around the lawns.
I stop the car and turn off the ignition once we’ve driven through the entrance gate.
It’s quiet.
“You gonna do it?” Jesse asks.
“Absolutely,” I say, my voice squeaky. “But you back me, okay?” I unsnap my seat belt, and climb into the backseat. I touch Vicks on the shoulder.
“Vicks,” I say extra gently.
“Oh, brother,” Jesse murmurs.
“Vicks,” I say louder. I’m a little bit afraid she’s going to punch me in the face, but I gotta do what I gotta do. An alligator she’s not. “Vicks, we’re here.”
She unclenches her arms and lifts her head looking like a turtle stretching her neck. “At the heartbreak castle?” she mumbles.
“Close,” I say. “But not exactly.”