It had been three weeks since they’d called the wedding off. Three weeks since Titus had attended the men’s fellowship. Three weeks since his world came crashing down. Again.
But there was nothing he could do about it. If Emily wanted to live her life without him, then he wouldn’t stop her.
During church on Sunday, he’d glanced at the women once, but she hadn’t been sitting among them. However, he’d received a glare from her schweschder Susan. She’d never seemed to like him in the first place.
He now stared at the box, in the corner of the dining room, mocking him. The sum of everything he’d given to Emily, including his heart. She’d sent it back last week. He hadn’t opened it—he hadn’t needed to. The moment it showed up, he knew. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with it, so he’d left it there.
“Dat, when is Emily coming over again? She hasn’t been here in forever,” Rose said as she poured him his morning coffee.
He hadn’t told his kinner, but he knew they suspected something since Emily hadn’t been over to visit them and vice versa.
“I don’t think Emily is going to come back, dochder.” He didn’t even bother with the peppermint patty today. What was the use, anyway? It wouldn’t bring joy back to his heart.
“Why not? I thought you and Emily were going to get hitched. I thought we were going to get a new mamm.” Rose’s voice shook and he longed to comfort her.
“Nee. Not this time.”
“But we love Emily and she loves us!” Tears ran down Rose’s cheeks, but Titus was helpless to stop them. “Why can’t you marry her, Dat?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“It’s because of your stupid eggs, isn’t it?”
“You know you’re not allowed to say that word,” Titus warned. “And it has nothing to do with the eggs.”
“Yes, it does. You care more about those eggs than you do Emily!” She scowled at him. Ach, when had his dochder ever done that?
“You will not speak to me in that tone.” His voice was firm.
Rose let out a cry, then rushed out of the room.
“Ach, what have I done now?” he whispered to the stale air.
Having been abandoned by Rose, his eggs sizzled on the stove. He’d have to finish cooking breakfast this morning. And what a wunderbaar morning it was shaping up to be! He couldn’t stop his sarcastic thought. And he wasn’t going to bother apologizing to Der Herr for his ungrateful attitude, either.
~
After Titus had dropped Rose off at school, he instructed the boys to go play in their room. He needed some time alone to gather his thoughts. The floral perfume he’d purchased for Emily during one of his shopping excursions still sat on his nightstand. He’d ignored the strange looks he received when he purchased it at the store. A man should be able to buy women’s perfume if he wanted to.
Had he given it to Emily, he suspected it would be in that box by the mudroom. Which reminded him… He quickly fetched the box, brought it back to his room, and shoved it under his bed. He hadn’t decided what to do with it yet, but at least now it wouldn’t be staring at him every time he sat at the table.
When he entered the kitchen again, a knock sounded at the door. He glanced through the glass. Ach, Sammy Eicher. What was the older man doing way out here? And with his buggy?
Titus opened the door and invited him in.
“Missed you at the men’s fellowship the past few weeks,” Sammy remarked.
Jah, he probably wouldn’t be going back. “Been busy.” Titus lied. Unless “busy moping” qualified.
“I see.” Sammy glanced around. “The kinner at school?”
“Just Rose is old enough for school. Ty will start next year. The boys are in their room.” He needed to distract himself. “Uh, would you like some coffee?”
“I’d love some. I’d even be inclined to try one of them fancy peppermints you’re so fond of.” Sammy raised his bushy eyebrows.
“Where do you work, sohn?”
Titus scratched his beard, then joined Sammy at the table with two mugs of coffee and two peppermint patties. “I chust work at home right now. Since my fraa passed, I’ve been home with the kinner. We actually had a small life insurance policy on both of us, so I haven’t needed any extra income. When all of the kinner are in school, I’ll probably take a job.”
“I see.” Sammy sipped his coffee. “Tell me about your fraa.”
There was something about this older man that set his mind at ease. Like he could confide in him about anything.
He raised a half smile. “She was a wunderbaar woman—a wunderbaar fraa. Would do anything I asked. Loved the kinner.”
“Was she a believer in Jesus?”
“She talked about Der Herr quite a bit.” He nodded. “I think so.”
“How about you?” Sammy seemed to look straight through him.
Titus shook his head. “I really don’t know anymore.”
Sadness seemed to enter Sammy’s eyes. “What makes you say that?”
“I’m beginning to realize that I’m a failure, Sammy. At everything.” As he said the words, his heart squeezed, like it was a piece of wood held tight by the metal clamps he used in his woodshop.
“I don’t think that’s true, sohn.”
“It is.” He forbade his tears from falling. “I couldn’t even protect my fraa. It was my responsibility to keep her safe. I’m the one who should have been driving the buggy.”
“You said it was an accident. You can’t control accidents.” Sammy frowned.
“I shouldn’t have let her drive. If we would have had laying hens, she wouldn’t have needed to go fetch eggs.” He stared at Sammy. “Why did I even want eggs for breakfast? I didn’t need them. She could have made pancakes or oatmeal. But no, I wanted eggs.”
Sammy listened quietly as Titus prattled on nonsensically.
“There are so many things I could have done differently. Should have done differently. Then my fraa would still be alive.” He shoved away a tear.
“Didn’t you say you were thinking of remarrying?”
He grimaced. “Jah. But nee. We called it off.”
“Why?” Sammy’s hands cradled his coffee mug.
“Because she insists on driving by herself. And I won’t lose another fraa. I won’t, Sammy.”
“And you think her driving alone will result in her death?”
He nodded. “I know it will. Der Herr is against me.”
“Der Herr is not against you.”
“Then explain why my first fraa is dot.”
“I do not know the reason. But I do know that we all must face death someday. None of us knows when that day will be. Unless we are here when Christ returns.” He smiled at that last part.
“Why do we have to die?”
“Well, technically, we don’t.” Sammy chuckled.
“But you just said—”
“I know. But if we are believers, we are only exchanging our old bodies for new ones. If we are absent from the body, we are present with Der Herr. We are alive for eternity.”
“I’m not sure how all that works.”
“Simply put, if your fraa was a believer, she’s happier now with Jesus than she could ever be with you.”
“You keep saying if she was a believer. Isn’t everyone a believer?”
“Nee. There are very few in this world that are true believers. Consider the words of Der Herr, ‘Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.’ Jesus also said, ‘Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name cast out devils? And in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.’ You see? We must know Him. He must know us.”
“How can He know us? How can we know Him?” He rubbed his head.
Sammy explained, “When a person trusts Christ as their Saviour, He sends His Holy Ghost to live inside them. As that person reads and studies Gott’s Word, he learns Der Herr’s will for his life. The Holy Ghost will guide him, and He’ll let that person know when he is pleasing Gott or not.”
“I’m not making the connection. What do being a believer and knowing have to do with one another?”
“When we place our faith in Jesus—allowing His blood to wash away our sins—it must be a heart belief. It can’t chust be intellectual. Because when Christ enters your heart, He changes you. He places new desires in your heart. He gives you the power to overcome your struggles and temptations and fears.” Sammy stared straight at him now. “And it sounds like you have some of those in your life.”
Ach, Sammy was right.
“If you call out to Der Herr and place your trust in Him, He will comfort you and give you the strength you need to overcome your fears. Gott is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear…” Sammy continued, “Remember that the spirit of fear does not come from Der Herr. For Gott hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. Fear is from the enemy and he does his best to trip us up with it. And let me say that he is mighty gut at what he does.”
Was this fear he was holding onto? The eggs, keeping the kinner close, driving alone…losing someone dear to him? Again.
Jah, it’s the truth, he realized. It was his fear that had come between him and Emily. It was his fear that had caused the rift between him and his dochder. It was his fear that had come between him and Der Herr. Truth be told, it was taking over his life.
Even Rose perceived it.
“You are right, Sammy. It is fear that is ruining my life. But I feel powerless against it,” Titus admitted. “What should I do?”
“Call out to Jesus. Repent of your lack of faith and ask Him to save you. Ask Him for His help. He will give you the victory. He will provide the strength you need to overcome. He will renew and restore the relationships in your life. If you let Him.” Sammy reached for his hand across the table, then bowed his head. “Dear Gott, my friend Titus here is in need of Your help. Please take his hand and help him. Show him that he doesn’t have to do it alone. Show him his need for You. Show him how much You love him. Amen.”
When Sammy lifted his head, tears shimmered in his eyes. “The rest is up to you, sohn.”
Titus nodded and bowed his head. In silence, he poured out his heart to Der Herr. As he prayed and confessed each fear and failure, a burden seemed to lift from his shoulders. The weight of guilt had disappeared. He physically felt lighter when he finished his prayer.
He released a long breath and stared at Sammy in amazement. “Wow. For the first time, I feel like I actually connected with Gott.”
“Isn’t it awesome?” Sammy’s eyes shined with joy.
“Jah, for sure.”
“Chust remember, if you ever doubt Gott’s love for you, go back to the cross. There is no greater love than that.”
“I will.” Titus stood. “Sammy, are you hungry for some eggs?”
“I can always eat.” Sammy grinned.
Titus went to his extra fridge. “Do you need any eggs? I need to clear these out.”
“I suppose we can always use eggs. Miriam will appreciate it.” Sammy scratched his chin. “But let me pay you for them.”
“Nee, I need to give these away.” Titus waved his arm to beckon Sammy. “Kumm, here.”
Sammy stood next to him staring into the refrigerator. “That’s a lot of eggs.”
“That’s my fear.”
Sammy’s brow lowered. “You’re scared of eggs?”
Titus chuckled. “Nee. The morning my fraa died, she’d gone out to fetch some eggs from one of the families in the g’may. For my breakfast.”
“I see. So, if you kept enough eggs on hand at all times, no one would ever need to fetch any.” Wow, Sammy hit the nail on the head.
“That was my thought.”
“And now?”
“Now, I feel like I need to get rid of them. Not all of them, chust most. I’ll keep a couple dozen.” Titus turned to Sammy. “Do you know of anyone who could use eggs?”
“I imagine Jenny Miller uses a lot at the bakery.”
“That’s perfect.” Titus smiled. “And what about a refrigerator? Do you know of anyone who could use a fridge?”
Sammy shook his head. “You know. Funniest thing. Silas was chust telling me about someone’s refrigerator going out chust this morning. Isn’t Der Herr gut?”
“So gut.”