"MA’AM, WHAT EXACTLY ARE you accusing your husband of?”
The judge wasn’t a very friendly man. He seemed bored and angry at the same time. His gavel slammed down, echoing in the courtroom and he declared that I was a liar. A slut. And a bad mama.
Mr. Silverman stood at my side but he was just looking at me with those I-told-you-so eyes. He wanted to know why I didn’t run or scream. Why did I just let things happen to me?
Ricky sat on the other side of the courtroom, grinning and counting a stack of bills. He handed some to his lawyer then got up to give some to the judge.
“Mama. Wake up mama. Make us pancakes.” Nat stood in front of me, shaking my shoulder even though my eyes were wide open. “Get up, mama.” She was just tall enough that she could’ve climbed into bed with me but she didn’t.
I blinked and she was gone.
“MAMA, YOU HUNGRY?” NIKKI balanced a tray with a dinner plate and a tall glass of milk. She slid it onto her daddy’s side of the bed and held up a spoonful of mashed potatoes. “Here mama.”
Paula sat in the corner, her head tilted to one side as she tried to figure me out.
“You gotta eat mama. Been a whole day. Here.”
My friend was all dressed up to go dancing. She laughed and pointed at me, saying I couldn’t leave the house looking like that. Helen handed her a dress from my closet and she held it up, considering what accessories to put with it.
“Mama watch me. I made up a dance. Wanna see?” Jackie’s braids whirled around her head the faster she moved. “Ta-da!” She finished.
“She need shoes,” Helen said and she disappeared into the back of my closet.
“You know you cheated on him,” Paula sat at the foot of my bed now, taking the dress off its hanger. “Adultery is a sin, Pecan.”
Helen stood with a pair of black heels and held them against the dress. She shook her head and went back to searching the floor of my closet.
“Mama, I’m gonna sleep with you tonight. Okay? You won’t be alone.”
THE MIRROR WASN’T KIND enough to lie. It didn’t hold back none of the truth. I’d gone to bed without my scarf so my hair was a mess. I had on my least favorite nightgown. A pink nylon, with tiny holes in the armpit and a bow above my cleavage that had been threatening to fall off for some years. I leaned over to spit into the sink and replaced my toothbrush in its holder. Didn’t bother combing my hair. Didn’t think about changing my underwear. Fresh breath was more important.
“Mama you up?” Jackie rubbed her eyes sleepily. “What time is it?” She yawned. She’d assigned herself the task of keeping an eye on me.
I took her by the hand and led her back to her own bed. She climbed in and fell fast asleep. It was too early for the girls to be awake. The sun wasn’t even up yet.
The stairs creaked under my bare feet as I headed to the kitchen. Flicked on the light switch and pulled the pancake mix out of the cabinet. I had a stack of ten by the time I realized I wasn’t alone in the kitchen.
“Whatcha doing?” Mya stood in the doorway. I hadn’t heard her on the stairs. Hadn’t even seen her in twenty-four hours. “Mama?”
It was obvious. I was making breakfast.
She had a blanket wrapped around her. Same blanket that was normally on her bed. It was so long that it dragged along the floor behind her.
“You okay?”
I was fine. Making breakfast.
She disappeared from the doorway and it occured to me that my girls needed some meat to go with their pancakes. So, I threw some strips of bacon into the frying pan. A chair scraped along the kitchen tile and I saw Mya had returned. This time she had a pillow with her, which she put between her head and the kitchen table.
One thing about Mya, she ain’t mind the quiet none. Just sat there watching me. No questions. Just watching. I got the sense she hadn’t been to sleep. That she’d been standing guard over all of us the whole night.
“WHAT’S WRONG?” HELEN STOOD in the doorway, holding on to Jackie’s hand. She wasn’t talking to me but she was looking at me.
“She not talking to us. And she won’t stop making pancakes.”
Nikki and Nat sat at the kitchen table looking wearily at the fresh stacks on their plates.
Helen’s forehead wrinkled and a smile tickled her lips. She thought Jackie was joking.
“Really. She won’t stop.”
I flipped the last two and slid them both onto Mya’s plate. Jackie let go of Helen’s hand so I could slipped through them and into the hallway.
“Mama, where you going?” They called after me.
All of them crowding into the hallway, watching and waiting for an answer. Helen took a few steps in my direction and stopped when I turned to look at her. I thought it was obvious. The box was empty. I had to get some more pancake mix. I threw on my coat and reached for the doorknob but Helen came the rest of the way, took my hand, and peered into my eyes.
“Pecan, you okay?”